June 21st, 2016

Illya K

The Musketeers 3x03 + Legends 2x09 Reviewed

Brothers In Arms
How many ugly brothers does the king have? Gaston returns from exile to his estranged brother the king. The musketeers and their flashy uniforms sulk. Louis XIII is on to his blogger faced wife. Gaston is all secretiveness, seediness and stigma. He also looks like a goth. Treville is useless. The BBC has no tangible commitment to his show. Feron has no candour and directness. There are moral compromises. The royal family seem to have no servants. There is moral uncertainty. Constance and Anne are gut wrenchingly awful in each other’s icy orbit.

Peasants have paroxysms of disgust. War veterans have a climate of opinion. An old whiny barmaid causes trouble. Pretentious and posh people indulge in venality and corruption. Feron’s face is a visual blob. Rocheford’s ruinous acts live on. There are deceptions and betrayals. This show is better off without the essentialist fantasy of Milady. Treville is permanently frustrated. There are inappropriate accents and intransigent morons trouble stir. Bellicosity besets the dying king. There is public calamity and rewards fatally tainted by horrible compromise. A hostage situation erupts and the musketeers are okay with treason and a civil uprising. This had promise but descended into ridiculousness. Also Constance is annoying.

Best Lines:
“Am I in trouble?”

“Why are they still breathing?”

The Legend of Gabi Miskova
Ballard never heard of or saw Martin when they were both in the FBI. An attack is planned. There is an evil woman, idiot criminals and Katya in peril. Here is a gunfight and an attack. In 2001; Ballard lost his leg and sulked. Then 9/11 happened and he wanted to marry Gabi but she didn’t want to marry him. Katya/Kate is in peril and has to marry some dude. Martin finally gets a clue as to who he really is. It’s a ‘Salt’ knock off. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Will not return. Ever.”

“Welcome back comrade.”
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Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Living And The Dead’ promo

The Next Best Thing’ (2000) promo

‘The English Patient’ (1996) promo

‘I, Robot’ (2004) promo

‘K-Pax’ (2001) promo

Black Hawk Down’ (2001) promo

‘Patriot Games’ (1992) promo

‘Rumour Has It’ (2005) promo

‘Gross Anatomy’ (1989) promo

‘The Day After Tomorrow’ (2004) promo

Coriander & Cashew pesto - okay.
Scottish All Butter shortbread - yum.
Polish sausage - ok.

RIP Janet Waldo and Anton Yelchin.

I will review ‘Shades of Blue’.

Recall soap-on-a-rope? Or ‘Smash Hits’? Or ‘Wacky Races’ or ‘The Perils Of Penelope Pitstop’? Or ‘Thief Takers’?

‘Penelope Keith At Her Majesty’s Service’ is granny TV.

Gufo = owl.

There are burrowing owls?

The BBC are editing 'The Musketeers'. Boo.

Spectacles were invented in the 13th century?

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“I am attacked more than any other Irish writer.”

“Dizzy ramblings.”

“She has neither dreams to interpret nor inhibitions to untangle.”


“Appalling, catastrophic loss.”

“Spent years not speaking communicating mostly though lawyers.”

“Non-emotional entry.”

“Musky Queers.”

“There is a musketeer for every taste.”

“He claims to have scaled back his self-destructive behaviour.”

“A four-year stalking campaign in the gym.”

“Get medical.”

“He flounced out of plays, wound up his co-stars, took limos to go just three doors down the street.”

“He hated anyone who wasn’t fabulous, famous or gay.”

“Wheelie-bin sex.”

“A second towering act of self-sabotage - deciding to become best friends with Madonna.”

“Ami necessaire.”

“He appeared in the worst film of his career (a crowded field),”

“Had affairs with both Paula Yates and Sir Ian McKellan, as well as the French actress Beatrice Dalle.”

“Still carefully surrounds himself with people who adore and worship him and won’t answer back.”

“An audience of ageing toy-dog owners and Woody Allen lookalikes.”

“Is having a hand-floppy, screeching, continental hissy fit.”

“Wheeling around in his y-fronts.”

“Silent bitches.”

“The sledgehammer smashed down door after door.”

“Full of hairy beatniks eating giant tins of marmite and marmalade from the cash-and-carry.”

“He clearly was not very easy to live with.”

“Spectrum of possibilities.”

“It tiptoed politely down the gullet with just a hint of the fart that the radish would emit in about an hour.”

“Was cruelly rebuffed when he attempted friendship.”

“Servicing sexual pleasure.”

“Threatened her with a hammer.”

“The gait of a flung tombstone.”

“Warm affection and subversive irreverence.”

“An almost pathological use of inverted commas.”

“Moral seriousness.”

“Let their people down by being joyless, dull or mean.”

“Taking drugs while their lice-infested toddlers run wild.”

“Things aren’t just going to happen.”

“Changed their ideas as to what a 21st-century orgy should look like.”

“The traditional orgy has moved on.”

“Conscious sexuality.”

‘The Sunday Telegraph’ Quotes:
“Wearing dungarees without anything underneath.”

“I just want nicer things.”

‘Absolutely Fabulous’ Quotes:
“I can raise hemlines so high that the world is your gynaecologist.”

“Sex, bitch, aristo, sex, punk, whore, bitch, prozzie, lezzy, punk, tart, slut. But with lovely shoes.”

“Whole toilet rolls!”

“She’s blind!”

‘The Railway Magazine’ Quotes:
“The removal resolution.”

“Various further allegations, and, innuendo.”

“De-seat the incumbents.”

‘The Magician King’ Quotes:
“They were something kings used to do at some point between when Jesus was alive and when Shakespeare was alive, which was as close to placing when the Middle Ages had actually happened.”

“Julia was pretty sure the library didn’t have any subbasement stacks, because it didn’t have a subbasement.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Does that have to be nationally aired?”

“Perceptual mass.”

“Always some kind of drama.”

“A toxic environment.”

“Talk pretty bad about him.”

“Please don’t.”

“Nobody did anything.”

“I can’t even run away right.”

On ‘Neighbours’: Paige lies to keep John’s murderous secret. Nobody cares about John Doe or his memories. Walter wants Nell’s bone marrow. Susan obsesses over Angus. Sonya is selfish. Angus is vile. Toadfish is dreadful and Gary is out of jail.

Movie Reviews: Intruders + August: Osage County + Intruders + War & Peace + 7 others

Intruders (2015)
Also known as ‘Shut In’. Anna lives in a remote house with her dying brother who then dies. The Meals On Wheels guy is nice. But he and three friends take part in a home invasion to get Anna’s money. She has severe agoraphobia and is alienated and distanced. But she can deal with bothersome men. This film has no worth or value. Anna and her adjustment disorder makes no emotional impression as she takes on the theatrically hard baddies.

This film has a vile texture as four menacing men laugh at her excessive docility. This was dreary and gets worse with breathtaking rapidity. There is indecorous conduct and everyone swears and has a frustrating lack of sociability. Also who designed the madhouse Anna lives in?

Best Lines:
“Where would I go?”

“Then I won’t choose.”

“Something weird is going on here man.”

“You have no idea what I’m like.”

“He was your friend, now he’s a doorstop.”

August: Osage County (2013)
I had Aristotelian disinterest in this purposeless film of existential musing. It stars an overeager Meryl Streep and has lots of mumbling. There are no blunt honest observations in this embarrassingly clunking film that has no baroque beauty. Toxic and destructive people seethe with frustration and resentment and shout and are socially snotty. They have no straightforward morals and no profundity and little of what they screech registers emotionally.

This was ineffective and intemperate. Mournful people are acrimoniously fixated on personal grievances. There are no melancholy consequences in this shouty big drama. There is overblown intensity in this Tracy Letts play. I don’t care about their over-analysed lives and preening self regard, alienation and angst. Julia Roberts, Chris Cooper and Benedict Cumberbatch prance around. Man tears fall and people are unconscionably operatically vicious to each other.

This was without merit and people have strident antagonism and are deliciously arrogant. This was an ineffective tale of disillusionment and a prickly uncooperative woman with a used face. This was a spectacularly misconceived tale of bitter desolation, misery and bad decisions. There is more acrimony and it was too much.

Best Lines:
“This madhouse is my home.”
“Think about that statement.”

“Flat hot nothing.”

“The creepy character.”

“Then get your own beer.”

“My wife takes pills and I drink.”

“Your 5th puberty.”

“She’s old enough to exhibit character.”

“Forsaken big shot.”

“Who makes that decision?”

“That is wildly unfair.”

“Die after me.”

“Thank god we can’t tell the future, we’d never get out of bed.”

“This year’s man.”

“What’s that smell?”
“I don’t know, probably just that trash can over there.”

Intruders (2011)
There is a near insane lack of common sense in this film in which Clive Owen’s daughter’s chief function is to be beautiful and needy. The nightmare is real in this woeful mess. Clarice Van Houten, Daniel Bruhl and Kerry Fox prance around. In London and Spain children are tormented by Hollowface. Owen is a construction worker in this strangely banal film which is not rich or enveloping.

Owen’s wife has haughty superiority. This was purposeless and has no discernable emotional life whatsoever. A ‘Suburban Shootout’ star pops up and there is an obvious twist. This was stupendously toxic and full of people with hairdresser mindsets. I felt terrible scorn for this film. There is mad parental protectiveness and the infinitely melancholy consequences thereof. There is steadfast belief and no earnest realism or naturalistic details.

Best Line:
“In a dark corner everyone had forgotten about.”

War & Peace (1966-67)

Andrei Bolkonsky
Watched part 1 of this Sergei Bondaruhuk epic. It is loud, badly dubbed and has annoying ACTINGS. This was ill-suited.

Best Lines:
“A cruel and irrevocable mistake.”

“Imperial guards.”

The Battle Of The Sexes (1959)

Back To The Future II (1989)

Live And Let Die (1973)
Great theme song, ok 007 film.

Superman (1978)

Predator 2 (1990)

Mr Wrong (1996)

Universal Solider: The Return (1999)