May 26th, 2016


Book Review: Alt.Sherlock. Holmes, part 2 + 2 others

Alt.Sherlock. Holmes by Jamie Wyman, Gini Koch, Glen Mehn, part 2

A Study In Starlets
A follow up to ‘Ladies’. Holmes and Watson are PI’s in LA dealing with Irene Adler a wannabe reality TV star. A certain James is hinted at as a continuing imminent threat. Holmes is enchanted by consumerist culture and this has no cultural weight. Villains laboriously explain their master plan, there is romantic subtext, Watson falls conveniently unconscious and this invokes no fondness or admiration. It was not proficient and is inconsequential.

Half There/All There
Reprinted from ‘Two Hundred and Twenty-One Baker Streets’. Watson and Holmes are drugged out weirdniks in 60s NY hanging out with Andy Warhol. This was good and full of pervasive suspicion of Irene Adler. This was grubbily appropriate.

The Power Of Media
A sequel to ‘Half There’ as the 60s become the 70s, Holmes and Watson get involved with various major events. This invokes blithe disinterest and is startling in its inconsequence and lack of pathos. This was written with indifferent execution.

Best Lines:
“But what they are not is good actors.”

“Visibly disgusted, with himself and everything around him.”

“One of the best friends a man could have, if you could get past his weirdness.”

“Heiresses desperately seeking disgrace.”

“A more miserable hive of the desperate and demented.”

“Manufacturing complacency.”

“Enhancing paranoia.”

The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Neuromancer by William Gibson
Okay future making.
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Critcal Assembly + Amelia + 4 others

Critical Assembly aka Ground Zero (2002)
Two college students (Katherine Heigl and Kerr Smith) build a nuclear device to illustrate the need for political change. Then it is stolen and they must work with the FBI. This is okay.

Amelia (2009)
This blatant Oscar bait flop stars Hilary Swank (who is all bad hair, buck teeth and a bizarre accent), Richard Gere and Christopher Eccleston as a celestial navigator. There is an annoying voiceover, a lot of talking, dullness and obvious green screen. Amelia wants to fly, does so and gains fame. Then she vanishes never to be seen again. This was so very worthy and dull.

Best Lines:
“You don’t read the papers?”
“Not unless someone makes me.”

“Her death will not be a plus for aviation, women or your next campaign.”

“Don’t be so proud of it.”

“Hardly anyone knows or cares that it exists.”

“If you miss this island you’re out of fuel with 2000 miles to go.”

“Who wants a life imprisoned in safety?”

“Well hello sheep.”

“She’s landed in Ireland.”

Godzilla (1998)

Higher Learning (1995)

The Warriors (1979)

Love At First Bite (1979)
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Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Star Trek Beyond’ trailer
McCoy yaps, they’re out in space, Kirk broods and the Enterprise is trashed. The crew end up in escape pods and aliens lurk. They seem to have new uniforms and I am intrigued.

Best Lines:
“I joined on a dare.”

“The vastness of space.”

“What the hell is this?”

“They’re boarding us.”

“Mercy will be the last thing on his mind.”

‘Ghostbusters’ (2016) trailer
This looks better than the previous trailer. Mr Staypuff is back. They kick the unloving crap out of ghosts and the receptionist is dumb.

Best Lines:
“No one should have to encounter that kind of evil.”

“Why am I operating the untested nuclear reactor?”

‘Wagons East!’ (1994) promo

‘Hollyoaks’ promo

‘Antitrust’ promo

‘Falling Down’ promo

‘Spice World’ promo

Eastenders’ promo

‘Coronation Street’ promo

Raw organic handmade mint chocolate - ugh.
Organic sparkling cola - okay.

So in the cold war, the west was referred to as Non-Socialist Foreign States.

‘Damien’ cancelled, haven’t even seen it.

I’ve never seen the 2000 ‘St Francisville Experiment’.

Airheads’, ’Real Genius’, ’Transformers: The Movie’, ’Flashdance’ and ‘Cool As Ice' were terrible movies. ‘Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead’ was ok as were ‘She’s All That’, ’Teen Witch’, ’War Games’ and ‘Eyes Of Laura Mars’.

Recall ’The Division’, ‘Degrassi Junior High’, ‘Punky Brewster’, ‘Jem’ and ‘Heathcliff’?

There was once such a thing as horse-drawn lawn mowers?

RIP Burt Kwouk.

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Struggle with popularity.”

“Listen less and less.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Nothing is his.”

“Misdemeanour obstruction of breathing.”

“Came after me with a golf club.”

“Has complete control of the house.”

“Do you believe that he will hurt you?”

“See the evil in his eyes.”

“A history of making verbal threats.”

“His behavioural repertoire.”

“I can’t punish him anymore. He doesn’t listen.”

“Very belligerent.”

“My punch is a lot harder than yours.”

“That evil face.”

“So alone in his own house.”

“Some real social issues.”

“Proceeded to annoy them.”

“Auto-exacerbating disorder.”

“Highly dysfunctional family unit.”

“Identified bad guy.”

“I don’t want it to end well.”

“He will come in the night and kill them.”

“Hit the bus driver.”

“Made homicidal statements.”

“I don’t have words to describe what it’s like to live like this.”

“Sleep in a bedroom with the door locked.”

“I’m tired of dealing with it.”

“A personal truth.”

“The social mask is off.”

“They named an aisle after her in the liquor store.”

‘Grey’s Anatomy’ Quote:
Bone wax.”

‘Council House Crackdown’ Quotes:
“Who are you please?”

“They’ve been gone for 9 years.”

“She wasn’t shown as laying a footprint.”

“A notice of seeking possession.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“More cat.”

“Standing alive.”

“Insincere agenda.”

“Completely out of control.”

“Beyond the control of her parents.”

“Behavioural issues are so concerning.”

“Emotional response.”

“A few more sticks might be part of the answer.”

‘Great British Railway Journeys’ Quotes:
“A request stop.”

“Arise Sir Loin.”

‘Code Black’ Quotes:
“Counter-sniper units.”

“The fact that she was still breathing?”

“Dragged my husband’s name through your filth and bile.”

“They haven’t been your friends in a long time.”
“And whose fault is that?”

“Blood pocket below the brain’s surface.”

“Blood return.”

On ‘Neighbours’: Does Ned fancy Lauren? Brad is thick and lives a toxic lifestyle. Piper is awful and has no authenticity. Terese is drinking, Sonya dresses like a Manson girl and Lauren is sure Ned fancies her. Lauren has no embarrassed discretion about being a husband thief. The plots creak with familiarity. Terese hurls herself at a new man - she has a symptomatic manic fixation on Paul. Imogen, Daniel, Kyle and Bossy the dog are all gone. Piper thinks she is a PI. Lauren doesn’t care about her dead husband and whines that Brad thinks more about his dead son Josh than her. This isn’t the least indecent thing that she’s done.

Best Lines:
“You’re not a woman? Does Brad know?”

“Get off me loser!”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Darren mocks Sienna. Esther and Grace have ridic bridesmaids’ outfits. John-Paul and Scott reconcile. Various heavies show up on Trevor’s side for the wedding. Frankie mocks. There are no other guests. Since when are Maxine and Sienna friends? James wears a tweed jacket with a turtleneck. Ben is desolate and Nico has no idea of dispute resolution. Grace dresses like a stripper. Ben and Trevor brawl. How did Nico and Ben get to the church? Nico stabs Trevor and he staggers into the church to get married. Nobody notices Trevor twitching and bleeding. He called 999 - why didn’t they show up? Trevor dies.

Did Grace walk all the way back to the village from the church in her bloody dress? Maxine is on to Nico. Nancy baby-sits Curtis. Nico threatens her stepgranny. Thorpe shows up. Ben realises Nico is a raving psychopath. Grace howls. Ben realises he picked an ill-chosen individual as his wife. Nico is cruelly conniving at 16. Grace and Trevor’s tacky wedding china is delivered. Sienna howls. Ben takes the fall.

Best Lines:
“Where’s the goon?”

“Man up!”

“Your makeup will melt off.”

“You ruined my life!”

“Saying it and proving it are too different things.”

“He was a nasty thug.”

“Trevor had more enemies than he had dodgy tattoos.”

“Who does that?”

“How dare you laugh?”

“Stupid smug marrieds are laughing at you.”

“I know people round here.”

“I can’t grieve for Trevor.”

“He was the problem.”

The Flash 2x22 + Blindspot 1x21 + American Horror Story: Coven 3x03&3x04 + Rewind (2013) Reviewed

The metahumans attack. Iris bores. Barry is cocky and is all ‘Rocky III’. Black Siren (Katie Cassidy) shows up to attack. Cisco vibes. Tina McGee (Amanda Pays) knows who the Flash is. Joe nags Wally; he has no culture of appreciation. With sickening inevitability, Jesse is a useless whiner full of youthful pretension. Snow has obsessive anxiety that no-one cares about. Season 2 has had many failures and grave omissions. Barry thinks he has impunity and is divisive.

Zoom is dangerously out of control. Snow has a predilection to whine. Barry sows the seeds of his own downfall and is painfully dismissive of sense. Snow claims they loved Laurel, WTF? Cisco and snow pretend to be their Earth 2 doubles by doing stupid voices. Cisco gets more powers. Harry passes out. This was okay. Zoom kills Henry setting up his final rout with Barry.

Best Lines:
“Blackest of nights.”

“We’re paid to be perceptive.”

“Crash-survivable memory unit.”

“I’ll be busy winning.”

“Again - how?”

“Poor Black Canary. Bye bye birdie.”

“You should look more afraid.”

“What are you up to?”
“No good.”

“Enjoy being dead.”

“It’s not even Laurel.”

Of Whose Uneasy Route
Mayfair doesn’t have complete plausibility. Kurt and Sarah continue their boring family drama. A bitter evisceration of sense takes place. The FBI building goes on lockdown due to a hack. Kurt does a dramatic window break. Who is the annoying elevator woman talking to Sarah and Reade? There are overreactions and misunderstandings. Tasha is angry.

Jane and Kurt fiddle in the evidence room and won’t that cause problems? The hacker has absolute confidence in himself. Why do TV elevators always have escape hatches in the roof? Mayfair’s ex is part of Jane’s gang apparently. Sarah’s moving away. Mayfair is arrested. The US Attorney is a mouth-breather. This was okay. Jane’s gang have framed Mayfair. Carter’s body has been found and after many eps of set-up, a huge frame up ensnares Mayfair to Jane's shock.

Best Lines:
“There is not a lawyer in the land who can get you out of this.”

“Shelter in place.”

“In a chemical attack. That’s a good thing.”

“Beast child.”

“SOMETHING is going on here.”

“Not calm! Not calm! Not calm!”

The Replacements
The evil glamour of this show has an addictive quality. Madison is Lindsey Lohan with magic powers. This isn’t exactly ‘Switch!’. There are flashbacks to 1971 and a young Fiona and how she became the supreme by killing her Eva Gabor looking predecessor. As the replacement supreme grows, the old supreme sickens. Kyle’s mother (Mare Winningham) grieves and Fiona has a not so secret envy. The girls admire the hot boy next door to the horror of his mother (Patti LuPone).

LaLaurie has a horrified reaction to Obama and is made a maid. LaLaurie has intransigence and is all unrestrained awfulness. Misty wants a friend, Zoë is not wholly reliable and people have bad intentions. The cute boy next door is named Luke. Cordelia learns she is barren. Fiona suspects Madison is the next supreme and decides to do some interfering with an expected inheritance. Marie laughs in Cordelia’s face. Kyle’s creepy mother creeps. Kyle gets murderous. Queenie humps the Minotaur. Fiona gets rid of the competition. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Don’t test my wrath.”

“I’ve seen the ruin you will bring to this coven.”

“Where’s your modesty?”


“What do you expect to get with that dress?”

“The trashy one lit my curtains on fire.”

“She snorted half my coke and then let the cops bust me for it.”

Fearful Pranks Ensue
There are flashbacks to 1961 and Marie unleashing zombies. Now she plans to do the same to the witch house. Now Spalding hides Madison’s body and her stripper heels in his creepy attic room. The Council show up. Fiona sends Marie a head in a box. Zoë’s life revolves around Kyle. There was a truce between the witches and Marie that is now broken. Hank cheats and reveals himself to be a monster with no moral qualms.

Myrtle knows Fiona is evil. Fiona does the slouch of villainy. Spalding has a deep and heartfelt love for Fiona. Madison wasn’t the next supreme, oops. This was good. Spalding is a freak and something terrible is done to Cordelia.

Best Lines:
“Hard drinking, big dicks and trouble.”

“She keeps getting away with it!”

Rewind (2013)
This failed SyFy pilot seems to have been rejigged into 2016’s ‘Timeless’. A physicist named Rourke (David Cronenberg) goes bad and decides to blow up New York. He is threatened by CIA agent Knox. Rourke is obsessed by his 37 years dead wife and babbles incoherently. Knox is played by a truly untalented actor. Rourke orders Knox to save his wife. This has corny dialogue, wooden acting and stupid women.

This was horrific, uninspired and boring. New York blows up in a cheap ass exposition. One month passes. Knox is in jail facing trial for the NY bomb. His wife died in the blast along with 9 million other people and he broods. A General takes him out of jail to a bunker where a scientist Dr Bryce works. Dr Bryce (Jennifer Ferrin of ‘The Cape’) snaps and snarls.

Another dude named Gates stands around. Bryce has a particle collider and a window to the past. There is a time travel plot to save NY. The failed ‘Time Tunnel’ reboot was better. Bryce points out that nobody has any idea what the consequences to be to time travel. Apparently the destruction of NY has collapsed economies and war is imminent. Ellis (Jeff Fahey of ‘Lost’) is an engineer.

This was semi-wretched and muddled and there is a rip-off of a joke from the 2009 ‘Star Trek’. Self-absorbed and unreflective people prance. This has no distinctive voice. The scientists collect garbage to study the past. This was negating and not an unmined gem. Nobody reacts with amazed disbelief to time travel. It has a glossy smooth veneer. It was vapid and kind of dumb. It is as subtle as an axe to the face. It was incompetent and incapable. The fight for all time begins but nobody cares.

Best Lines:
“Go. Don’t ask.”

“Life creating act of destruction.”

“No one was listening to me.”

“No I don’t understand.”

“That Libya thing last year.”

“They won’t go easy on you.”

“A measure of recourse.”

“Things don’t get better now.”

“That line is there for a reason.”

“A rupture in the wave function of the universe.”

“Pre 1978.”

“Bring a person back through.”

“Mannerisms, taboos.”

“They don’t like subtlety.”

“It was the Spanish civil war.”

“Jazz age.”