May 7th, 2016


Book Reviews: Torpedo Juice + Reflections On A Marine Venus

Torpedo Juice by Tim Dorsey
This 2006 novel sees Serge look for a wife amid a storm of sexism. Also an idiot woman and a crazed drug dealer tangle. This has no vitality, harmony or serenity just many annoyances. Serge needs correctional supervision for his endless wrong decisions. The Concerned Narrator voiceover vanishes after a few pages. Serge is seen as a crusading individualist goaded into fury while his darker aspects are ignored. His murders are because spiritual pollution in endemic in Florida and he has to deal with it in attention-seeking, beyond inappropriate ways, apparently. The author is under the misapprehension that Serge is a lovable scamp. He isn’t.

Best Lines:
“Clothes and makeup that are only in fashion in penitentiary visiting rooms.”

“Keeping alive his record-breaking streak of wrong life decisions.”

Reflections On A Marine Venus by Lawrence Durrell

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Bad Moms’ trailer
Stressed moms (among them Mila Kunis and Kristen Bell) whine about their lives, their mcmansions and scald themselves with coffee and have a silly dog. A PTA bitch (Christina Applegate) bitches and the mothers crack up. Cue sex jokes and partying.

Best Lines:
“I’m saying we punch that chick right in the tits.”

“Is that your mom bra?”

“My son failed study hall.”
“My daughter stole money from a homeless woman.”

‘Last Action Hero’ trailer
The big Ticket for 93 indeed. This film had no consistent tone.

‘Captain America: Civil War’ TV spot
Lord, Renner looks rough.

‘Mad City’ (1997) promo

Goat butter - okay.

‘The Craft’ reboot is a 20 years later sequel. I’m there!

I never saw any of the ‘China O’Brien’ films.

Mandles are a thing?

‘The Gloss’ Quotes:
“Violent harassers are known to lurk in ritzy hair salons.”

“So many bin bags full of no-longer-loved possessions were deposited at the local charity shop that the manager imposed a barring order.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Only God controls the weather.”

“This country was roasted out of it.”

“That was terrible. I won’t hear a word in its favour.”

“Trained for sinister, ambiguous future roles.”

“Crawford called her co-star a child and threw her clothes in the street.”

“A scene beloved by queer theorists.”

“Comparatively hapless.”

“I still love you like you love me,”

“Angry faces and evil minds.”

“Parental failure.”

“Baseless delusion.”

“An earlier, marginally more interesting pass at the same material.”

“Were a little less effective in the lead role.”

“This causes Sally to throw milk jugs at his head.”

“Daily ritual of online shaming.”

“I don’t like that connotation.”

“The exhalers of all fumes.”

“Never write ‘balls’ with an indelible pencil on the margins of the books provided. Do not solicit the female librarians to acts of unnatural vice.”

“To make the powdered flavourings they sprinkle on their products sound like expensive, hand-crafted ingredients.”

“Isn’t a farm where happy chickens roam fragrant meadows.”

“You are only looking for attention.”

“Less evenly tempered inner Marxist revolutionary.”

“Unclean pauper.”

“In-your-face inequality.”

“Intimidated by the envy.”

“A known bike thief.”

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“Furnace glowing with revolutionary metaphor.”

‘Futurama’ Quote:
“A single conspiracy nut who no-one will believe.”

‘The Daily Telegraph’ Quotes:
“Twitchy wide boy’s strut and his faraway eyes.”

“Seems helplessly bound to bad choices.”

“Watching his TV being carted away after yet another infraction.”

“Hairdressers notoriously detest it.”

“A schoolgirl affection.”

“Such folk, who can afford to be Left-wing, can barely camouflage their contempt for the American poor’s suburban lifestyles.”

“Vindictive cow.”

“Ecological replacement.”

“My policeman had to get off and vomit over the bench.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“How long do I have to be punished for this?”

“I have no forgiveness for you.”

“I faked a surrogate pregnancy for the money.”

‘The Windsors’ Quotes:
“You clean bog now!”

“Fighting rottweilers in Morrisons carparks.”

“Smoking crack with three Burmese prostitutes again.”

“We could not go shopping?”

“Who pays for a holiday?”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Sienna makes out with Trevor on her hen-night and steals Grace’s garter. Nico acts up. Sienna is cataclysmically cray-cray. Trevor dumps her. Sienna attacks her wedding dress. Since when are Maxine and Sienna friends? Nico looks like a crazy woman. Harry annoys. Sienna marries Ben.

Best Lines:
“I helped you through your breakdown!”

“Go marry your cooper!”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: City On Fire + Airport 79 + Avalanche + Airport 77

City On Fire (1979)
A pyromaniac ex-employee of a city oil refinery creates a chain reaction of fires that engulfs the city. Shelley Winters, Leslie Nielsen, Ava Gardner, Henry Fonda and Barry Newman star. A shoddy hospital must cope with the disaster as a doctor (Newman) has to save the day. This was directed by the guy who did the inept ‘Death Ship’. People die, people turn up for a pay cheque and there is a good scene where people try to escape the hospital by drenching themselves in water and running through the burning streets. This was relentlessly stupid but a time passer.

The Concorde: Airport ‘79 (1979)
George Kennedy, Robert Wagner and Sylvia Kristel star in this franchise killer. A bad man (Wagner) plans to kill his reporter girlfriend by shooting down the Concorde she is on. Luckily the pilot (Kennedy) manages to land the Concorde on a ski slope in the Alps. Dumb.

Avalanche (1978)
Rock Hudson, Mia Farrow and Robert Forster star in this Roger Corman ski slope soap opera avalanche schlock. Has selective appeal.

Airport ‘77 (1977)
Jack Lemmon, James Stewart, Christopher Lee, Olivia de Havilland and Lee Grant star in this camp okay film. A rich nut (Stewart) transports his art and guests via plane. Thieves try to rob the plane, only to clip an oil rig and sink to the bottom of the ocean. Now the survivors must escape.

10 TV Reviews

War & Peace (1972 - 1973) 1x07-1x10

New Beginnings
I skipped 1x05&1x06; they involved a battle and Lisa dying in childbirth and her dreadful husband berating her for it. The theme music is the old pre-revolutionary national anthem. Pierre learns his wife is a ho and challenges her lover to a duel. Pierre broods. Helena says he is an embarrassment. Pierre shows off his ACTINGS. Natasha is proposed to. Pierre is lectured into joining the Freemasons. There are weird visuals, inefficacy and distinctly overblown voiceovers. The Tsar and Napoleon meet. Boris prances. There is a deterrent to caring. Characters spew author tracts. Lisa’s husband Andrei (Alan Dobie) doesn’t seem to care about his dead wife or newborn son. He’s disillusioned and spews classicism.

Best Lines:
“It’s not a party, it’s a banquet.”

“Do as you please.”

“Be thou the pride of Alexander’s reign.”

“Things just seem to happen.”

“Go and marry him.”

“What have you done for your serfs?”

“A man offends you and you shoot him.”

“I hate my life.”
“Then change it.”

“Help is given from God alone.”

“Whatever happens, endure.”

“Brutalised by too much power.”

“You’ve got no right to say.”

“Beautify life.”

“The only good is the absence of both of them.”

“What is it that you’ve been converted to?”

“They know no rest day or night.”

A Beautiful Tale
Quiet and serious Andre ignores his son; Natasha has the notions of a common woman and deserves bad opinions. She should be penitent but isn’t. Spoiled pet dogs lurk. This ep was like a ludicrous parody as Natasha is a slack-jawed moron who Andrei stares at perversely. As if 19th century presumptions would make Natasha desirable. She’s a sexless harridan. Andrei is 31 and acts like he is 65. Natasha’s father, Ilya, is Pottery Barn poor. It is now 1810 and there is a ball. Helena wears another indecent dress and a massive tiara. Sonya and Natasha wear polyester dresses and men in overly tight white trousers dance badly. Andrei feels not-hate for Natasha. This was dull with no febrile intensity.

Best Lines:
“The place looks like a hotel.”


Leave Of Absence
Mad dad rants at Andrei and dismisses Natasha and her clan as provincials. Mad dad orders Andrei not to marry Natasha for a year and points out that Andrei ignores his son. This ep has a lurid operatic tone. Natasha erodes dignity. She’s 17 and Andrei paws at her and has stillness. Then Andrei goes aboard to a clinic for some unnamed illness. Nikolai sucks on an unlit pipe and rants. Natasha sits on a rocking horse. Their mother doesn’t want Nikolai to marry Sonya. Natasha is wretched. This was not revelatory and people go wolf hunting with only a few Russian dogs. Then they sit around having ennui about uncle Vanya chopping down the cherry orchard or something. Then Natasha spaz dances showing off her pop socks.

Best Lines:
“She’s inherited vast estates.”

“They were our friends and they’re poor.”

“What do you want?”

“You’re a child of the steppes.”

“Such is the gratitude children have.”

Maria is a dark cloud and Natasha sneers at her. Mad dad runs around. Natasha is then tempted by Helena’s wastrel brother. Natasha is childish and hateful. The waster is already married so Pierre throws the wastrel around. Natasha tries to poison herself. Andrei does not forgive her. An inept comet is seen in the sky. This was mediocre.

Best Lines:
“He ought to be doing men’s work.”

“One must make way.”

“He saw fit to scream at me.”

“You’ve hardly known this man a week.”

“If you dare tell Sonya, I’ll kill myself!”

“You’ve done your duty which is more than she’s done.”

“Running away like a common wench.”

“How she could have taken you over him I’ll never know.”

“He said a great many things I choose not to remember and other things I chose not to hear.”

Legends Of Tomorrow 1x10

When will Sara learn that Laurel is dead? Rip is a moron and takes the gang to a corporation dominated future in 2147. Vandal Savage prances. A teenage boy, Per, is destined to become a tyrant so Rip says that need to kill him. Stein is aghast and has moral superiority. There are no dramatic stakes just borderline blank line-readings. Kendra recalls Carter Hall. Things are not enticingly complex and multilayered as Rip makes Per into the tyrant he becomes. Like duh.

Mick is surplus to requirements. STAR Labs Corporation took over Central City? Ray has issues in a moronic plot. Rip is awful and has no understandable rationale. I really, really, really disliked this. Per is a bad child actor with daddy issues. Rip is an ass. This was a stupid and wrong ep full of miserable ennui. Per has moral indifference and is vitriolic and nasty. There is bad acting, Rip makes things worse due to a self-fulfilling prophecy and the Hunters show up. Nice work TPTB giving us this uninspiring and terrible ep.

Best Lines:
“Releases the Armageddon virus.”

“What a strange age for dating.”

“Some payback he’s not walking away from.”

“The bad man found us.”

“I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not.”


Colony 1x05

What hath Katie wrought? Snyder rants. Luis the radio guy is menaced. A surly teenager is arrested and he of all people leads Will and co to Geronimo. A GZ woman gets smacked in the face. Bram and his gal pal go outside the wall and there are no people there, it’s very weird. Coffee and markers are hard to get now. How many colonies are there? Snyder is a bad bad man.

A pair of hipster artists are arrested and they’re Geronimo. They’re just propagandists. The wife is subjected to the first cycle of something bad and her husband spills all. What was done to her? Geronimo was never the leader of the Resistance, just a figurehead. Snyder shrugs off Will’s demands.

Will gets Phyllis’ job. Will riles Jennifer. As for Jennifer, she has a sob story and is on to Katie. Will is suspicious of Katie. Snyder’s boss (Ally Walker) is not a nice person. Snyder makes a deal with Luis, who turns out to be an actor, to pretend to be Geronimo. Katie is an unrepentant lying liar who lies. Bram and Mr Carson work on his telescope to see what is in Earth’s orbit.

Geronimo is tried and trials are now Tribunals and Snyder is the judge with a teleprompter. Snyder lied to poor dumb Luis. The Resistance plot and I’m sure there will be punishing consequences for all. This was okay but really Katie is a dreadful woman.

Best Lines:
“This is very bad.”

“You were transporting Resistance propaganda.”

“Her job was to erase us.”

“He broke just from watching her.”

“Nazi collaborator asshole.”

“Here I am. Sitting.”

“Pool cue biker.”

“Thug number three.”

Z Nation 2x11-2x12

Corporate Retreat
The gang run from forest fire zombies and into a hotel full of jerkass survivors led by Anthony Michael Hall. Vasquez annoys and bores. The leader spews about shared dialogue and process committees. Murphy gets shot. Linguistically-limited people sulkily lament. Murphy is still a nefarious hate figure and people are pretty stoical about the continuous instability around them.

This had no dark, exciting energy or constant tumultuous change. It was not dark, edgy, substantial or engrossing. Murphy dreams and his blood has weird effects on people. A dread fate awaits some. There is no maturation or cerebral, hypnotic innovations. This was neither a mind-wrecker not coldly logical or concise. This ep was a mess that stubbornly refuses to coalesce into anything resembling a narrative. This was a dull plod.

Best Lines:
“Maybe the Grand Canyon filled up.”

“You’re defying consensus.”

“Framework of trust.”

“Honesty inventory.”

“Burn down the bridges of trust.”

“Why are we sharing anything with them? Who are they to us?”

“You corporate morons!”

“You’re alive!”
“No thanks to any of you.”

Party With The Zeroes
Zombie messiah Murphy bores. The Zeroes cartel show up again and are no nurturing sanctuary for the gang. The gang are in Mexico with the Zeroes queen (Gina Gershon) who dresses like Elvira on meth. Kurian has suffered serious badass decay and the Zeroes have plans. Season 2 is deeply frustrating. The Zeroes do deliberate and evil things. There is a makeover montage. The Zeroes have significant behavioural problems. WTF is Zona? It was mentioned in ‘Rozwell’ and again in this ep. Vasquez is menaced with a whisk and this was not emotionally intense. Zeroes whack a zombie piñata full of drugs. Murphy is oppositional and this was ugh.

Best Lines:
“I am atoning.”

“Save us both some major unpleasantness.”

“Hates zombie mimes.”

Supergirl 1x14

Truth, Justice And the American Way
There is sap. Lord is released by the DEO and James never seems to do any work. Non lurks. Is Rao the Kryptonian god? Lord screeches. Kara can’t pronounce Siobhan. Her work rival is PA Siobhan Smythe. Cat bullies and Kara snots. Alex worries about an unnamed interstellar bounty hunter. This was full of creative hypocrisy and was nothing special. Siobhan is a negative peer. Lucy whines. Kara makes a Batman reference. She and her self-destructive confrontationalism bores. This was not briskly effective. Cat has guilt about an old puff piece. Kara’s misinterpretation of events bores. This was terrible.

Best Lines:
“You have no part of this, human.”

“You, leave.”

“This thing is nasty.”

“You have forfeited your right to exist.”

“Black star alloy.”

“You’re not as scary as you think.”

The Secret 1x02
Hazel and Colin plan to kill their spouses and have no fear or uncertainty. There is no darkly witty domesticity just resigned acceptance and joyful carnality. Colin and Hazel drug their spouses and go through the gruelling tribulation of suffocating them and staging a fake suicide pact. There is loathing, bad decisions, genuinely tragic behaviour, dread-wracked days and no regret. Colin is creepy as he carries out the outright devastating murder of his wife who realises at the last second what is happening. Hazel has no supreme dissatisfaction as she stands idly by as Colin kills her husband as he fights for his life.

Hazel puts out potpourri to hide the smell. Colin barricaded his children into their rooms so they couldn’t see the murder. Somehow the double murder is successfully portrayed as a double suicide. Hazel and Colin don’t really care that their spouses who they regarded as awkward nuisances are gone. The church is reproving and the chiaroscuro corners of the respectable are highlighted.

Best Line:
“Nobody is going to catch us. It’s god’s wish that we be together.”