April 24th, 2016


Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Captain America: Civil War’ TV spot
Has no creative component.

‘The Flash’ promo

Best Line:
“You can’t lock up the darkness!”

‘Angie Tribeca’ promo

‘Robinson Crusoe’ TV spot

The Fugitive’ (2000) trailer
In this cancelled TV show remake, a wife is murdered. Her husband is accused and an obsessed detective chases him in a flurry of bad acting. The chase continues and Richard Kimble is running faster than ever. Bad plot decisions are evident.

Best Line:
“I want a baby.”

‘The Last Stand’ promo

‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows’ TV spot

Sour Apple Laffy Taffy - okay.
Grape Laffy Taffy - okay.
Strawberry Laffy Taffy - okay.


RIP Prince.

I want to see the 1986 ‘Gothic’.

There is Black lava salt and Arctic thyme salt and birch-smoked salt? There is also handcrafted nut butter?

Dried cranberry, vanilla & smoke, plus pecan and maple chocolate sound yummy.

The white giraffe is cute.

Dear relative: stop making a mess, spilling things on the floor, leaving doors open and demanding wine and potatoes. Stop fiddling with the broken water timer and buying excessive bread, fruit and spread.

Get Him To The Greek’ (2010) is horrible, sexist bilge.

I will read ‘Sleeping Giants’.

I won’t read ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ 10x25 or 10x26.

I may review ‘Versailles’.

The Fugitive’ (1963-1967) Quotes:
“How you must hate me.”

“Nothing I do is decent.”

“It was and is a lie.”

“When I’m dead, you’ll find him.”

‘The Fugitive’ (1993) Quotes:
“I didn’t kill my wife.”
“I don’t care.”

‘Emmerdale’ Quote:
“Not cheeking off the dentist.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“A darkening swirl of fear.”

“Felt threatened by the way people responded.”

“Not permit survival.”

“Slightly proud of one’s ignorance.”

“Wanted to pull him by his necktie and kick him in the nuts.”

“Sucking up sympathy which he ill deserves.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Nobody thought he could be dead.”

“Turn up at awards ceremonies with heavies.”

“It’s not interesting any more.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Creative idling has been all but outlawed.”

“Has it all but does not seem to be enjoying any of it.”

“Unflattering British masculinity.”

“Descended into open hostility.”

“The struggle of production.”

“A shouting match in the National Film Theatre.”

“Programme free will out of them.”

“Historical nostalgia.”

“An apparently interminable parade of dippy, solipsistic singer-songwriter berks.”

“Dire presentiments.”

“Feminine colours.”

“Retro culture.”

“Instant viral infamy.”

“Grey-lit Serbs plotting in quarries.”

“Sweaty leeches.”

“A man so amoral he has a fur sofa-”

“We had exactly the sort of sex I’d imagined.”

“Her flashy clothes that weren’t age-appropriate.”

“Edible bile.”

“Verballed up.”

“Never a man exactly crippled by modesty.”

“Unnecessarily handsome.”

“Sucked like a Dyson.”

“He refused to play anyone’s game or to act with gratitude.”

‘Catfish’ Quote:
“Like a punch to the face right there.”

‘The Daily Telegraph’ Quote:
“A 70-year-old pensioner attacked her husband with a meat hammer after catching him watching pornography.”

‘The Blacklist’ Quote:
“How does that happen?”

‘FTWeekend’ Quotes:
“Guitar-toting laureate of the street.”

“Roaring bar-room rock and roll.”

“Cultural engineer.”

“Wallow in newsy gravitas, confect historical grandeur or blow up sentences with adjectival pyrotechnics.”

“Dialogue should never be the principle method of conveying the facts of a novel.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Ste and Harry have wifi in their shed apparently. Harry is awful and whines about a missing essay. Myra is suing Tony so she can have IVF money. John-Paul is still a teacher. What happened to his love of music? Harry is a life-ruiner. Cleo tries to steal money from Myra’s IVF fund which she keeps in a Will&Kate biscuit tin. Tony berates Harry. Ste demands a job in the pub. Myra is awful and Ste coos about having a schoolboy lover. Cleo is stupid. James pervs over Harry. WHY? Cleo is stupid some more. The plotlines are clichéd and unconvincing. James offers Harry 10,000 for sex. Harry accuses Ste of having James perv over him. Harry and Ste have issues. Harry whines about giving stuff up for Ste. As for Ste? He is an arse. John-Paul and Scott seem to be getting together. Harry ignores how he ruined Ste’s relationships with Sinead and John-Paul.

Best Lines:
“Cheesy balls.”

“Put your heads together and talk balls.”

“That isn’t love!”

“After everything I’ve given up for you!”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: The Mammoth Book Of Roman Whodunnits, part 2 + Paper Tigers

The Mammoth Book Of Roman Whodunnits edited by Mike Ashley, part 2

Heads You Lose
Murders take place during the siege of Jerusalem. There is a vigorous enforcement of justice. This whole story was an error of judgment.

Great Caesar’s Ghost
Caesar’s ghost wanders spewing vile calumnies. This confounds logic.

The Cleopatra Game
A spoilt woman’s fiancé dies. This was sexist with the evil hussy making emotional demands and being an offensive intrusion into her fiancé’s family. There are no moral regrets or cunning malevolence. This was silly with a wide use of non-Roman names.

Bread and Circuses
There were no detectives, police or law enforcement of any type in ancient Rome. So why do people keep writing stories with such things? This has no emotional complexity and no hints of the unlimited brutality of Rome as annoying kids investigate bread thefts. This was childish and inaccurate.

The Missing Centurion
Romans get up to mischief in Egypt. This is a steadfast embodiment of all that is wrong with this anthology.

Some Unpublished Correspondence of the Younger Pliny
A bizarre, terrible tale of Pliny and Christians.

A Golden Opportunity
I’ve no idea what this was about.

Caveat Emptor
Fraud and reckless ingenuity and boredom.

Sunshine and Shadow
Another wildly anachronistic tale and the deadliest trial is getting through this.

The Case Of His Own Abduction
This was a totally impossible tale of a slave detective. Slaves were frightened into obedience not PIs.

The Malice of the Anicii
Evil plotting Romans plot. There is promised vengeance and impecunious ingratitude. This was okay.

The Finger Of Aphrodite
There is no abundance of promising characters just a regurgitation of explanations that never ever elicit enlightenment about WTF the point of this was.

The Lost Eagle
A Sister Fidelma tale. The cognoscenti yap about a lost Legion.

Paper Tigers by Damien Angelica Walters
Alison lives in tragic solitude drowning in a glut of self pity, bitterness and cynicism after a terrible fire. She is miserable and unashamedly needy. Trying to recover from her trauma, she buys an antique photo album and is targeted by a charmless, sly, insidious, manipulative ghost. This is a plotline full of ridiculous impossibilities but far from being an opportunistic misjudgement it is all studied nuances, obscure flashbacks and apprehension. This is a good tale of a woman with an increasingly raddled physique and poisonous paranoia who is worn down by a parasitic enabler.

Best Line:
“Screams no one will ever hear.”

Legends Of Tomorrow 1x08 + Colony 1x03 + Supergirl 1x12 + Agent Carter 2x05 Reviewed

Night Of The Hawk
The gang are in a town called Harmony in 1958. Vandal Savage lurks in the woods. Snart slouches and pretends to be an FBI agent. This was directed by Joe Dante. Jax notices correctly that Harmony is how horror movies start. Stein needs a slap. Nobody has any stressors and all seem undaunted by time travel. Sara wears an ugly nurse’s uniform. Vandal Savage has a wife and a casserole dish. People act like 2016 values can be applied in 1958.

Savage is doing something involving crappy SFX. He also has golf pants. What is Nth metal? Hawkgirl wears a not very 1958 style dress. This started out well but went downhill. Chronos shows up. Sara, Ray and Kendra are stranded in 1958. This was not smart, nuanced or gripping.

Best Lines:
“Quaint little hamlet.”

“A more accepting one.”

“I like my town’s backward.”

“The local insane asylum would be fertile ground for clues.”

“Fate is a prison.”

“Oh come on!”

“Why did they leave us?”

98 Seconds
It’s Day 341 of the occupation. The Resistance have radio broadcasts. But they’re still not very smart. Bram records them on cassette tapes. The Resistance do an alleyway ambush, are unfriendly and it all goes awry. Katie is inept and the Resistance kill their own wounded. The drones kill looters. Gracie’s creepy perky tutor lurks. Katie humps Will’s leg.

I don’t care about Katie and her emotional trauma. Katie isn’t moral, just and right. The lightshow in 1x01 was a launch. A launch of what? Bram and his teacher bond over the Resistance. Telescopes are forbidden and something is in Earth’s orbit. Will has to know Katie is in the Resistance. San Francisco and Kentucky are still around judging by the alcohol deliveries for Katie’s bar. Also chargrilled oysters were on the menu at Katie’s bar. Bram’s galpal has a secret.

Homeland has breach teams and radios. Will doesn’t believe in gun holsters and gets ass sweat on his gun. The aliens banned sports? Bram’s galpal knows of a tunnel beyond the wall and says there are no people out there. Quayle is Katie’s Resistance boss and he threatens to kill Will. Oddly the Bowman’s aren’t pariahs. Beau and his ugly shirts tells his back-story. Snyder shows up and hints at the danger LA is in. Will and Beau’s co-worker Jennifer is a true believer. Katie sets their boss Phyllis (Kathy Baker of 'Picket Fences') up to be killed.

Best Lines:
“He’s bleeding everywhere!”

“Stop clock two.”

“The youth of the colony.”

“This was a planned op that went bad.”

“No one gets taken.”

“What’s out there?”
“The rest of the world.”

“Medicalled out.”

“There are no people.”

“Will needs to get a lot worse at his job.

“No one can change our present situation.”

This show has no vivid characterisation or linear clarity. Lord does more moral injustices. Supergirl is an alien, does she even have DNA? Winn and his botched romantic liaison bore. When Cat chews on her sunglasses - does she not get a mouthful of ear sweat? Lord has dark mojo. Cat has Joker lips. Lord is a monster and has a queasy turn. Kara and Cat’s son have questionable courtship rituals.

Bizarro and her skater skirt is cranked up with rage. Kara is sombrely sweet. I don’t care about Winn and his seething sexual jealously. Lord is ghastly and militantly appalling. Adam is frankly uninteresting. Kara is pretty vacant. Lord went through 7 girls to create Bizarro. He doesn’t care. Lord has more moral infelicities. Alex responds with characteristic gun-wielding unreason.

There is no narrative justification for Lord not being killed. He has a lack of compassion. Lord sees Supergirl as the threat and himself as the sole authentic genius. Or he may simply have a vendetta against young women with eccentric names. James is detracted from commitment with Lucy. Bizarro breathes fire. WTF? Lord is finally arrested. James is in peril. Lord will not stop talking. How did Alex get to the warehouse for the fight? How does Lord go to the toilet in his cell? There is another cliffhanger as Kara is jumped. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Grab eyeballs.”

“Bad. Very bad.”

“What do we do to bad people?”
“We kill them.”

“Things will get very bad for you.”

“Hate you!”

“I’d be very angry about that.”

The Atomic Job
There is a solemn atmosphere but no sincere feelings. Sousa proposes only for Violet to realise he fancies Peggy. Jarvis is unfathomably frivolous. Frost has deluded views. This was dull and uninteresting and offers so much to complain about. There are bursts of shouty violence by guest star Ken Marino. This was vomitacious. There is a surfeit of wilfully prolix plotlines. Peggy is a life-ruiner. This has no whimsical internal logic and there are selfish omissions.

Best Lines:
“That hurts me.”

“The Council does not trade in mercy."