April 21st, 2016

Pretty Smart

Movie Reviews: Satan's School For Girls (1973) + The Veil + Fatal Love

Satan’s School For Girls (1973)
This alleged ‘classic’ had a bad remake. I think the remake was only slightly less bad. Pamela Franklin, Kate Jackson, Roy Thinnes and Jo Van Fleet star in this tale of odd goings on at a school. There is dated tech, annoying yelling and Elizabeth refuses to believe her sister Martha killed herself. There is bad acting and this was not softly beguiling. Cops have disinterest and sceptical reason.

Elizabeth goes undercover to Martha’s alma mater, an academy of the fine arts. There are bad clothes and Jackson is a fellow pupil and Van Fleet is the headmistress. The picture is bad. The teachers at Salem Academy are creepy. I can’t believe this TV movie has a hallowed status. It is so dull. There are wine parties, screaming, odd diction and a non-disciplined environment.

You can’t gage the urgency of Elizabeth’s situation as nothing is happening. The plot is not a puzzler. Elizabeth acts obviously. She has emotionally needy classmates. A painting is important as is a corridor. There is no guile. The remake/sequel reinterpreted events and was slightly less dull. This film causes an absence of euphoria. The boredom caused by the untapped potential of the plot cause a weird dissonance.

This was naff with exploitative sexuality and a stark existence for teens. This was unfabulous. I had unrealistic notions of what to expect due to this film’s unearned cult status. This was a soul suckingly awful yawner. Elizabeth thoughtlessly heads into dangerous situations. Teachers do scathing tirades and this was an intestinal transit.

Best Lines:
“She’s gone crazy in there!”

“She was a melancholy girl.”

“No memories for her.”

“Girls of good breeding are more easily groomed.”

“To make them passive.”

“Any unusual conduct in your teachers or classmates?”

The Veil (2015)
Thomas Jane and Jessica Alba star in this inept horrible horror movie. In the 1980s Jim Jacobs (Jane) led the Heaven’s Veil cult while ranting in particularly wretched fashion. Then they all died. One child survived and grew up to be Sarah Hope who is now the subject of a documentary by Maggie (Alba).

Maggie wants the salacious details and to find the film reels the cult made that were never found. Flashbacks to the 70s and found footage of the 80s show the nauseatingly uxorious Jim recruiting and ranting.

This differs dramatically from ‘The Sacrament’, as in that film was good. This film isn’t, at all. Jim was overwhelmingly negative, pessimistic and crazy. A harbinger lurks, the film has a grubby image and shared recollections of the cult’s long shadow bore.

This has overtly melodramatic tones and is not harrowing and nobody is sweetly appealing. Maggie and her gang find the films in a rotting building that was oddly never found until now. They watch Jim’s bizarre rantings. This was not a largely delightful fragmentary experience. Jim had no pious inspirations. It is revealed who Sarah’s parents were to no suprise.

There is bad acting and mumbling. Sarah’s mother was Jim’s nurse/devoted handmaiden Karen (Aleksa Palladino). As Jim Thomas Jane overacts and yells all his dialogue. Jim was not a fake, Karen doubted and there are twists and an incoherent ending. This was not observantly brilliant and what happened to Jill (Shannon Woodward of ‘Raising Hope‘)?

Best Lines:
“Why are you touching needles?”

“They don’t have needle guards.”

“The other airbag blew.”

“It’s another 20 miles to, like, the nearest anything.”

“Those who will not follow. Shall be carried.”

“What have you done Sir?”

“The veil has been lifted and the fallen shall rise.”

Fatal Love (1992)
Molly Ringwald takes her top off and plays a crazy stalker in this deadening boredom inspiring mess that does a truly inept job.
Scary Books

Trailer, Quotes and Stuff

‘Bad Neighbors 2’ TV spot

Hazelnut praline with lace crepe bits - good.
Hazelnut praline with fragments of speculoos - good.
Hazelnut praline with crispy cereals - okay.
Rocher with hazelnut praline - good.
Orange Kitkat - okay.
Tabasco chocolate - yum.

RIP Victoria Wood.

So ‘Castle’ gets rid of its female cast members for ‘budgetary reasons’.

Burger King are doing the Angriest Whooper (red). Recall the Halloween Whooper which was black?

The Fugitive’ (1993) Quote:
"He showed up not dead yet.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quote:
“The groom spotted falling out of a nightclub with a Hollyoaks actress.”

‘Deadly Lessons’ (1983) ponderings:
This TV movie had an undertone of older men preying on teenage girls. The horse riding instructor and Shama (who was a Saudi don’t forget). Stable boy Eddie and Stefanie and EVERYONE knows about them. The creepy janitor who stalked Marita’s mother and now stalks Marita. Plus the killer’s own origins and motivations.

The finale has Stefanie being chased and then she encounters someone who she thinks is her rescuer. Who is creeping around the school dressed as a ninja and wearing black leather gloves and is obviously the killer. Why didn’t anyone hear her screeching for help? The killer drops their corn fed nice guy act and reveals himself as a sexist, murdering, psycho and promptly wastes murdering time to explain their motivations and gets caught. This film is so cheesy and illogical but oddly compelling.

Best Lines:
“Nobody’s going to get us.”

“This is dumb! DUMB! DUMB!”

“Oh for sure!”

“But I could kill her, my father’s bodyguard showed me how.”

“Went against him.”

“Nobody is going to murder us.”

“Wouldn’t hurt to see where Senator Dean’s daughter was yesterday morning at 5 am.”

“When I’m through with you.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Cleo hangs out with Pete and plans to run away with him. Myra is drunk and useless. The new family rant. Holly is trash. There are more excited utterances. Kim goes back to work. Ste and Harry steal from Price Slice cos they’re classy like that. Ste and Leela waste time. The new family have ugly wallpaper. Where are Peri, Tom and their bastard child? Thorpe is the only cop in Chester. Cleo won’t be charged. The plots are devoid of interest. Darren lurks. Esther’s hair changes colour from scene to scene. Esther loves Kim. The new family bore. Harry and Ste live in a shed. Amy is going to let Ste have his kids. Cleo is kidnapped. But that’s over with quickly. Ste’s children are out of control. Lindsey cackles madly. Ste is ungracious whilst caught housebreaking. Lindsey wants JJ. Leela disowns Ste.

Best Lines:
“My stoneware!”

“What is your excuse this time?”

On ‘Neighbours’: Paul is widely and unjustly despised. Terese is awful. Brennan bellows.
Scary Books

The Flash 2x17 + Blindspot 1x16 Reviewed

Flash Back
Cisco whines. Iris recalls Eddie. Barry has a genuine philosophical conviction: he’s going to go back in time and ask fake Wells how to run faster. Harry predicts Barry will screw up the timeline. He’s right. Barry’s caustic assessment is that he doesn’t care. Barry runs back in time to the time of the irritating Hartley.

This is all ominous for Barry personally. There is talk about E-bombs. Hartley and his declamatory style annoys. Fake Wells wheels around being creepy. Eddie shows up. As does a Time Wraith - where were they during Thawne’s rampaging? Everyone Barry has a deep admiration or affection or respect for is actually evil. This makes Barry angry.

There is whispering, things goes awry, Cisco freaks out and fake Wells does interpretive mime. Barry changes the time line and Hartley is now part of team Flash. This was good.

Best Lines:
“I let it happen again.”

“Your plan is asinine.”

“He’s not Wells!”

“Some ‘12 Monkeys’ time loop.”

“I move like this, you barely flinch.”


“Evil Wells.”

“Small, loud, run around.”

“I’m coming for you.”

Any Wounded Thief
Kurt’s sister and nephew piss off. Blondie’s ex made a dinner date. Kurt annoys people. It’s Taylor Shaw’s birthday. A truck carrying chemical weapons is robbed. Jane has memory of spying on Kurt from before this all began. Kurt was profoundly damaged by Taylor Shaw vanishing and is Jane really Taylor Shaw?

The FBI are not pleasant. A General has gone bad. The CMA is mentioned. What about Mayfair’s corruption? Reade broods. How did Jane’s gang learn all this stuff? Jane recalls more of her snooping on Kurt’s past and how he and his dad had issues. There is a hatch and a stupid act. Will things ever normalise? Kurt vomits after being exposed to chemical weapons. This happens after he just had major surgery.

The obvious baddies are behind it all. Kurt gives Jane a necklace that belonged to Taylor Shaw’s mother. Kurt and Jane have tension. Angry is gambling again, she never learns. Blondie talks to herself. Jane’s gang want her to shag Weller into submission. Why are they targeting him? Jane’s contact shags her. This was okay and had a reveal. Is Jane actually Taylor? Is Weller the big bad?

Best Lines:
“No one wants you here. No one.”

“It’s delusional!”

“The antidote vial is broken!”

“That was not a normal human reaction.”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Mammoth Book Of Cthulhu part3 +LiveByThe Code +Mammoth Book Of Roman Whodunnits part1

The Mammoth Book Of Cthulhu edited by Paula Guran, part 3

In The Sacred Cave
This story is not satisfactorily contributing. It’s about the collective past and false consciousness or something.

A mother lost her daughter but could maybe get her back. This was meticulously creepy.

Variations On Lovecraft Themes
These interpretations and musings on Lovecraft, his parents and his utterances dissect him in calm, devastating ways devoid of worship. This was good.

Star Trek Enterprise Rise Of The Federation: Live By The Code by Christopher L. Bennett
Klingons have bitterness and resentment causing unnecessary excitment in Section 31. There is social stratification in the Empire which nobody cares about. The Ware are increasingly a destabilising social factor. Saint Archer thinks up the Prime Directive. Shran is shoved aside. Tucker and his moral ranting bores. This was crap, sexist, dull and boring.

Best Lines:
“The slave pens are open - the merchandise is in open revolt!”

“Do you expect gratitude in return?”

The Mammoth Book Of Roman Whodunnits edited by Mike Ashley, part 1
This 2003 anthology collects tales from the Eternal City to the most remote outposts of her Empire.

Never Forget
A lawyer is told to uncover a murderer. The ending wildly transforms the story. But this was dull.

A Gladiator Dies Only Once
A tale of gladiators and societal diversionary activities. No.

The Hostage To Fortune
A murder takes place in Roman England. No and there is a wildly anachronistic use of Jesus.

De Crimine
A tale of an orator, a man in love and a vamp. Has promise but is of questionable sincerity and too po-faced and extremely grave.

Best Lines:
“The doorman was chained to his door as usual.”

“I don’t frequent the kind of parties she gives or attends.”

The Will
There are issues over Julius Caesar’s will. Okay.

Honey Moon
By Marilyn Todd. Claudia Seferius (of the dreadful novels) remarries and suddenly she’s nice and caring and concerned about others. This was wildly anachronistic and wildly inaccurate.

Damnum Fatale
A tale of Christians and Paul in Nero’s Rome. Okay.