April 14th, 2016

Scary Books

Book Reviews: Would-Be Witch + 13 Minutes

Would-Be Witch by Kimberly Frost
Book 1 in the ‘Southern Witch’ paranormal romance saga is terrible and un-readable. The ‘heroine’ Tammy Jo is dumb, her ex-husband is a jerk, her love interest is a creep and the plot is all conflict and inconsistencies. There is no emotional odyssey and you cannot perceive the contours of the social and domestic life in which Tammy-Jo is embedded. This was badly written and madly unpleasant.

Best Lines:

“I hate you and your dog!”

“A real-life heroine addict in Duvall.”

“Crockett, where’s your sister?”
“Tied up in the backyard,”

13 Minutes by Sarah Pinborough
Beautiful and popular Natasha is hauled out of the icy water and revived. But how did she end up in there? This is a tale of self-deification, the bitter misery of female friendship and a boldly bleak look at teenagers. This was okay but the luridly surprising twist isn’t. As the small surprises and reversals make it clear early on what is going on.

Best Lines:
“So much wine at lunchtime doesn’t indicate a fulfilled life.”

“Staying friends with that dealer your mum dated is the best thing you ever did,”

“Be my best friend forever.”
To Light The Way To Bed

The Omega Factor (1979) 1x06 + The Flash 2x16 + Blindspot 1x15 Reviewed

Child’s Play
I last watched this in August of 2014. Doors slam wildly, gym equipment flies around and glass breaks. This all centres on a boy with ‘Carrie’ powers. People have indifference on ugly furniture. This was not eerie, moody or tense. There is babbling about PK. People go down the country. An idiot woman with bad hair is the mother of the imperilled child. The mother can’t wait to ditch her son. The boy’s father ditched his son and wife for a nice new family. An ashtray moves and the boy’s father, who can’t be bothered to show up, wants him sent to boarding school.

The mother moans uselessly. People discuss poltergeist activity with a straight face. The heroine has a dismissive tone; the hero has low level irritation. Pejorative comments are made by brash and callous jerks. Negative thoughts are stated with a painful honesty. Nobody is pushed emotionally to the edge. There is instead, sheer stupidity as people wander around aimlessly having a basic inability to do simple things.

A man rants wildly. This was not viscerally upsetting. People seem to have a death of personality. Garish ties are worn. The sinister authorities have plans for the boy. There is ugly wallpaper and a sad, soggy script. There is bad, bad behaviour and daylight shunning people act in unsettling ways. The shockingly unskilled actors fail at things, which is an accurate assessment of this show. There is a twist, general illogical mayhem and cruel, inhuman dire acts of dispassion The boy kills someone with a very slow moving car. An omega ring pops up and the maybe evil kid gurns. This open ending was not genuinely creepy. This was not good.

Best Lines:
“You bold hussy.”

“I take it the funny smell is fresh air?”

“What has he done this time?”

“Fat hairy legs.”

“Puberty and tension.”

“Without a noticeable trace of warmth.”

“Break it.”

“We not only can, we must.”

“Your bedroom preferences.”

Getting through this episode is a laboured process. Beyonce is a senator on Earth2. Jesse is lazy, untidy and stares blankly. You can see the faintly humming machinery of the script. The gang go to a club. Jesse has no wit and charm. There is more clunky exposition and then another speedster pops up. Iris’ boss rants in his exceedingly overlit office. Jesse has maximum hauteur and acts wrathful and in defiance of all logic and reason. She treats her father with thinly veiled contempt. Cisco acts in preposterous fashion. Barry is faintly irked and not warm and witty.

People talk too much. Snow had a friend named Eliza. Snow has friends? Iris has no concept of work appropriate attire. This episode was woefully insufficient. Harry has apartness. Eliza has DID and is the evil speedster, like duh. Her slow-burning anger causes trouble. There is no intangible sense of continuity and weight.

There are deadly consequences because of Eliza. Drugs are bad don’t you know. Barry pity-ogles V9. This was potent. Eliza is tired of feminine servility. Cisco vibes. Iris is consistently inconsistent. Iris’ boss is profoundly doubtful. Eliza is a miscreant who growls and leers. Harry and Jesse have PZ Negative blood. Cisco has more non-imaginatively colour-tinted vibing scenes.

This episode was limp and unfocused. It was moribund with desultory direction. Jesse is terribly uninspired, convoluted and illogical. Eliza decides to destroy a bridge for no reason. Joe is ever useless. Eliza dies and Barry has a realisation. Iris tells her boss that he’s over-critical. There was no particular significance to anything. Jesse leaves for Opal City and nothing makes any sense.

Best Lines:
“You’re going to have to go, that fast.”

“Oh damn.”

“Over my rotting corpse.”

“An inescapable daughter cube.”

“This is not good.”

“No helmet glare.”

“Continually do whatever they want.”

“Bad Flash.”

“I’m having a very bad thought.”

“Please don’t come looking for me.”


Older Cutthroat Canyon
Jane’s gang are vaguely suspect. People are in peril. A Banksy like artist is part of the plot. Kurt is caught up in a bomb blast. There is running, gun waving and yelling. Jane goes AWOL. This ep is too busy for its own good. This was not wildly entertaining mostly because it had a moronic premise and no cohesive character development. Jane’s gang are dangerous and irresponsible. I don’t care about the tattooed oik Jane, her old associations or the unknown future. Kurt walks off major surgery. Nobody is perpetually competent and unruffled. There is no fine-grained realism. Jane is not a beautifully rendered cipher, just annoying. Why isn’t Taylor Shaw going missing and inexplicably returning being reinvestigated? Kurt shouts. Where is his dad?

Best Lines:
“Remember that sound.”

“Rotating drop points.”

“Commercial loft building.”

“Her story feels off.”

“He held me responsible.”
“Were you?”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Doctor Strange’ trailer
This looks BAD.

‘Outlander’ season 2 opening credits

‘Artists In Love’ promo

‘Scream’ season 2 promo

‘Johnny Mnemonic’ (1995) promo

Gluten free paelo friendly handmade raw chocolate power fudge bar - okay.
Gluten free Madeline - okay.
Pure Green cold pressed juice - okay.
Saraments du Medoc chocolat noir de degustation menthe intense - good.
Victoria Plum & Bergamot yogurt - yum.

I am reading ‘The Pale Horse’.

Read interesting things about the goings on behind the scenes of ‘The 100’.

Dear relative: I hate your stupid too small lampshade and the tablecloth you won’t shut up about. SHUT UP about your lampshade.

Bloody workmen making mess.

‘Underworld 5’ is called ‘Underworld: Blood Wars’?

‘Modern Family’ Quote:
“Can’t wait to learn!”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:

“Facial rot hole.”

“Rough looking.”

“Living on the reef and fighting with fish.”

“A millefenille of meta-jokery and viciously brilliant satirical commentary.”

“Defined by its rightness.”


“Objectify the wearer by default.”

“He has no idea what normal is.”

“Blameless flat-dwellers sitting peacefully in their undies watching the local version of Loose Women until the film’s principals run through their living rooms without a by your leave.”

“Blind to his own ridiculousness.”

“On a planet already far away and long ago.”

“How they expect their parents to behave towards them.”

“Corruption fest.”

‘Outlander’ Quotes:
“It is hard to reconcile what you are saying with anything resembling logic or even natural law.”

“A point you have made several times.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Getting strapped to a wheelchair.”

“Inbetween a rock and a rock place.”

“Contemporaneous notes.”

“No tending on wanting.”

‘The Daily Telegraph’ Quotes:
“A jealous husband is facing life behind bars for decapitating his wife of 30 years and flushing her head down the lavatory.”

“After a series of violent altercations.”

‘The Pale Horse’ Quotes:
“I’ve always said that if one of those wife murderers came into my place and bought a nice little packet of arsenic, I’d be able to swear to him at the trial. I’ve always had my hopes that something like that would happen one day.”
“But it hasn’t happened yet?

“Not in front of the vicar.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quote:
“Life was pronounced extinct.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Your evidence so far has been unsatisfactory.”

“Weapon dogs.”

‘Irish Independent’ Quotes:
“Statutory sitting.”

“Sense of discontent.”

“Absence from home.”

“Cumulative effect.”

“A chaotic scene.”

“Defiant declarations.”

“Failed entity.”

“Briefly, and not very successfully.”

‘International New York Times’ Quotes:
“Ought to be subjected to as little outside scrutiny as possible.”

“Devoted little effort to understanding.”

“Lost its swagger.”

“Becoming risk adverse and beholden to lawyers.”

“The style, work ethic and morale of the post office.”

“Very conscious of his image.”

“Could stain that image of him as cynical and indifferent to their misery and despondence.”

“Spiteful comments and death threats.”

“Titillating news item of no consequence.”

“Well-trodden ideological paths.”

“Forensic graphology.”

“Mega grows.”

“A rough-edged community.”

“Terse statement.”

“Particularly devastating toll.”

“Volubly and understandably upset.”

“Family-sustaining jobs.”

“The kind of sullenness that is either perfectly normal or wildly alarming.”

“Mostly linear narrative.”

“Allows expectations to build and then gently corrects the assumptions on which they rest.”

“Where exactly she begins and ends in the presence of her children.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Ste and Harry try and move back into Trevor’s house only to get kicked out. Grace rumples Trevor. Ste and Harry are rude to James. I don’t care about their apathy and agitation. Are Ste and John-Paul divorced yet? Has Harry no shame about driving Sinead and Hannah away? Does Ste even recall Hannah? Fake Lisa is arrested. Nico gets her transplant. Maxine pops up. The Lovedays rant. Joanne plots. Trevor chooses Grace. Ste and Harry break and enter and have curiously abstract feelings. There are secrets and unstated resentments.

Best Lines:
“Please don’t leave me.”

“He’s quite the catch.”