March 20th, 2016

To Light The Way To Bed

Movie Reviews: 10 Cloverfield Lane + Last Shift + The Daisy Chain

10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)
A stealth sequel to the 2008 ‘Cloverfield’. A woman gets into a car accident and wakes up in a bunker with a crazed prepper (John Goodman) who claims he saved her from the apocalypse. Local idiot Emmet is the only other person in the bunker. Is the menace really outside or in? This was okay but had no nuances or complexities and the ending verges on ridiculous.

~
Last Shift (2014)
A young female policewoman, Officer Loren, begins work at a closing down precinct. Inherent evil is present apparently. This was not splendidly diverting as a crazy homeless guy with Jesus locks pees and wails. This was an overblown, self-regarding, thematically repetitive narrative and you quickly shed any hope of having a fulfilled viewing experience. This has an oddly leisurely pace and is not eminently watchable.

Officer Loren has a bad night and meets a chatty hooker and is haunted by the spirits of a wannbe be Manson family whose acts still linger. Why do ghosts stack chairs? There is no heightened sense of drama and no conceivable justification for Officer Loren’s moronic actions. The grim topic of the cult’s miserable existence and contemptible acts deserved more attention. Officer Loren’s careless petulance is filmed with a distinct lack of a striking aesthetic. Also the actors mumble. This was terrible and I don’t care about Officer Loren’s desperate need to dedicate herself to a cause. The violtable twit has faithfulness to her job and is escorted to her grave by the dead.

Best Lines:
“No ma’am I will not.”

“Could you please remove yourself from the premises?”

~
The Daisy Chain (2008)
She just wants to play.
This Irish horror movie sees a couple move to the husband’s remote village where a weird dirty kid named Daisy is the local pariah. There are odd locals, a cantankerous old man and nasty kids all of whom claim Daisy is a changeling. Maggie and Tom take Daisy in after a succession of accidents. Tom soon turns against Daisy but Martha grows close to her until even she has questions. It all comes to a suitably horrible ending, this was okay but who knew fairies could have chickenpox scars?

Best Lines:
“Whatever you do. Don’t say no to her.”

“I don’t want her in my life. I don’t want her in my family. I’m saying she has to go.”

“Can’t breathe now.”
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Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Bastille Day’ trailer
Interesting.

‘The Huntsman: Winter's War’ trailer
Maybe.

‘Midnight Special’ trailer
No.

‘Blindspot’ promo
Mmmmm.

‘Indian Summers’ promo
Ugh.

‘Eddie The Eagle’ TV spot
No.

‘NCIS’ opening credits
How is this still on?

‘H2’ promo
Mmmmm.

‘The Tunnel: Sabotage’ promo
Maybe.

‘Stan Lee’s Lucky Man’ opening credits
No.

Coyo coconut milk yogurt alternative raw chocolate flavour - tastes like asbestos.
Apple, cucumber, celery & spinach cold pressed juice - okay.
Mint choc chip mousse cake - okay.
Jelly popping candy chocolate - no.
Apple, beetroot, carrot & ginger cold pressed juice - okay.
Elderflower & Rose presse - good.
No sugar added Belgian chocolat Noir & Ganache noire orange bar - okay.
Sea salt & Cider vinegar hand-cooked English crisps - good.
No sugar added Belgian chocolate lait praline noisettes & riz croquant - okay.
Remember Calvita?

RIP Paul Daniels and Larry Drake.

I won’t review ‘The 100’ 3x05 ‘Hakeldama’.

I will review ‘Hollow Pike‘, ’When Gravity Fails’, ’My Sweet Audrina’,  ‘Behind Closed Doors’ and ‘Lost Girl’.

The new ‘Prison Break’ sounds awful.

‘The Flash’, ‘Legends of Tomorrow’, ‘iZombie’ and ‘Supernatural’ renewed. Mmmm.

Dear relative: demanding use of the printer, carrying a half chewed apple (that isn’t even yours) down two streets and saying you don’t believe in recycling annoys. Also shut up about you ipad. Going on about a job you had 30 years ago and berating someone for buying you a bicycle helmet that you claim ‘destroyed’ your love for cycling is ridiculous. You are a negative influence and everybody hates you and your utter emptiness as a human being.

‘The Negotiator’ Quote:
“They’re all I care about. You leaving here walking is a distant second.”

‘Raised By Wolves’ Quotes:
“I can smell your armpit odour on them.”

“They’re hard. They’re bad. They don’t know how to add.”

“One of grandpy’s miasmas in there.”

“That’s too complex an idea to shout down a megaphone at a community support officer in riot gear.”

“Last year’s flaming lasso incident.”

“Dead-eyed fact drone.”

“Emotional repercussions.”

‘Pompeii: New Secrets Revealed’ Quote:
“For classy people.”

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“What first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“The under-resourced crime infested fiefdom of a fighty billionaire leather-fetishist.”

“The only American programme RTE could afford.”

“A well paid enabler of a rubber-clad tycoon.”

“Fetishising 1970s decline.”

“The pathetic last wheezes of the Baby Boomer Entitlement project.”

“I deny him three times.”

“Ordered him to tone down his rhetoric. In response he ramped it up.”

“The commentary was barely disguised mockery.”

“A made-to-measure narrative.”

“Walking up and down Wall Street, shouting into a megaphone.”

“An eager search for something that would have his whole devotion.”

“Substituting proselytism for the complicated narrative that the events and sources demand.”

“She’s like a soap opera that you tune into after ten years only to find the plot hasn’t moved an inch.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Why is your first thought: we are going to be blamed?”

“Adults have the right to go missing.”

“He just doesn’t do anything.”

“She’s blinded by her dislike of me.”

“A non-responsive word.”

~
On ‘Hollyoaks’: Diego goes up in my estimation by throwing the mooching, employment adverse, ungrateful, lazy, exemplars of deceit Harry and Ste out of the McQueen house. The duo has no concept of selfless collectivism. Robbie and Holly along with Ste and Harry are shameless in their shared transgressions, lying and general crapulence.
Illya K

The Man From UNCLE 2x09&2x10 + Legends of Tomorrow 1x03 + Childhood’s End (2015) part 1 Reviewed

The Deadly Toys Affair
For a show that was once a worldwide phenomena, it is odd how this has been forgotten. Thrush plot with gas. Solo and Illya safeguard the urban intellectual world and pampered modern sensibilities. Illya looks cute. There is bad music and Illya’s obvious stunt double rides a motorbike. The interaction between Solo and Illya could be read in a sex way.

There is an assassination via model plane. Hard looking dude Solo has to save a boy genius, has women falling into him and he has no classy restraint. Illya pretends to be a hairdresser with a billowing open shirt. A mad actress (Angela Lansbury) runs around. Women prefer the oddly robotic and formal Illya to Solo. Thrush carry around a little photo of Solo. There is an annoying child actor, Solo sniffing underwear and there are moist moments. This was good. Illya is in peril and does some impressive acrobatics.

Best Lines:
“Is he with us now?”

“My breakfast diamonds.”

“Oh marvy.”

“Just when you were supposed to be giving me a finger wave.”

“I’ll make them very sorry.”

The Cherry Blossom Affair
Solo is inept and not brutally efficient. Thrush has found a way to set off volcanoes. The innocent du jour is named Cricket and she obsesses over a missing roll of film. Illya is in peril again but he maintains a level of calm. This ep has a strange emptiness. Characters need to complain less. Why don’t the bad guys just shoot them instead of thinking up elaborate death traps? Illya is cerebral and Solo is openly mocking. This was not a powerhouse display.  It’s frankly astonishing how terrible this ep is. Illya wears a red tie.

Best Line:
“Yes Napoleon. Tell us about your javelin throwing days.”

~
Blood Ties
This show gets worse and the core conceit of this show doesn’t work. Why didn’t Rip Hunter hire Golden Glider? 1700BC looks unconvincing. This has no emergent strengths. I’m already tired of Savage’s back story and Rip Hunter’s scowling. They are still in 1975 and ugly props are on display.

Ray wants to re-enact ‘Fantastic Voyage’. There is fighting, slow-motion, Sara has a cold functional process and Ray annoys. Rip Hunter is full of miniscule irritations and likes to callously imply insults. Snart, Mick and Jax bore. Mick has a room temperature IQ. This was facile and has a much depth as a compostible toothbrush. The characters are now all troubled introspective versions of themselves.

People call Rip the Gareeb. This was unnecessary and leaves one absent of emotion. Snart tries to change history. There is mumbling about a vessel. Not very 70s attire is worn. Vandal Savage has cult followers who group and amalgamate around him. Hawkgirl wails. Rip Hunter is crazily angry. Hawkman is still dead.

Best Lines:
“I’ve seen Men Of Steel die and Dark Knights fall.”

“You’re not nearly as thick as most people say.”

“When I get bored I make bad decisions.”

“Initiation burns.”

“If I were you, I’d run.”

“Good luck with that.”

“I didn’t have you pegged as the ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ type.”

~
The Overlords
Charles Dance and Colm Meaney star in this Arthur C Clarke adaptation about a maybe benevolent alien arrival. An annoying unobservant farmer named Ricky blabs. A handicapped boy named Milo likes sci-fi. Weirdness happens and a newspaper magnate (Meaney) rabble rouses. Aliens bring peace on Earth after creepy communications. There is a bad Irish accent and Meaney has a bad US accent. Ricky for reasons left obscure is made a conduit between humanity and the aliens. There is only some constant inquiry into the aliens sinful potential. There is no rictus terror at the arrival of aliens.

Ricky is not unsettled by his role. There are no real cultural fits from the arrival of aliens. Ricky has no self-abnegation and the newsman has lurking distrust. There is no substantive debate caused by the aliens actions. There is amoral pouting and absurdist existentialism as we wait for something to happen as self-defeating localism takes place. There are anti-alien ads, atavistic instincts and infuriatingly disordered new world order making. No one has carnivorous menace.

There is no febrile talent at work here. This was not a cohesive whole. Ricky is unnecessarily appalling. Problematic female characters have no role. This had promise but was just tedious and seems as if it was written in the cocaine years. The Overlords are creepy and unsettling and the Freedom League spews wholly phantom imaginary wrongs or do they? This was terminally witless.
Milo knows stuff and the polished of tooth characters have no emotional honesty. This was deathly dull and full of uncharismatic performances. Milo is raised from the dead, Ricky is in peril and why is he so utterly beloved? 15 years pass and the aliens true, horrifying appearance is revealed as one clomps down the arrival ramp to the child greeters.

Best Lines:
“We’re not conquerors.”

“Both sides are praying together under a flying saucer.”

“Like in ‘Signs’ where that little girl killed them with a glass of water.”

“Why come all this way just to blow us up?”
“Because they’re aliens.”

“You’ve been a godsend to this town.”

“You were on the verge of discovering interstellar travel. But the stars are not for man.”

“Decent men can be manipulated.”

“Be firmly stopped.”

“A stonewashed hick from a flyover state.”

“I had hoped the world has had enough of angry mobs.”

“We don’t look like humans.”

“Here comes Dr X.”

“You selling my mom drugs again?”

“The Overlords have destroyed god.”

“The blue collar prophet.”

“Evil can disguise itself as truth.”
Scary Books

Book Review: Those Below

Those Below by Daniel Polansky
Book 2 of ‘The Empty Throne’ duology concludes as the fantasy epic comes to a grim dark conclusion. Loads and loads of characters are involved willingly, reluctantly or unwillingly in a rebellion of huge proportions against the Eternal. Some live, some die and some find their unflinchingly loyalty, wistful admiration and docility toward the Eternal cruelly repaid. This was an excellent tale of ambition, death and the destruction of the aura of authority and social organisation of those who have ruled for so long.

Best Lines:
“And what is to come will be terrible beyond all reckoning.”

“The hawk does not share meat with men.”

“Frequently and easily carried beyond all objective reason.”

“One must never underrate the willingness of fate to thrust an individual beyond their proper station.”

“Rule with no greater kindness than their predecessors.”