March 10th, 2016


Movie Review: The Heat (2013)

This sexist mess features an outright irritating FBI agent and a loud mad cop. They cause nonsensical havoc and TPTB have nothing to feel especially proud about. The lazy dour half-assed script centres on uncharismatic, unappealing, unpleasant wretches of human beings. I felt nothing but blistering contempt for this jaw-dropping incompetence that is devoid of interest. This was truly dedicated to being horrendous.

Best Lines:
“Window blankets.”

“You used the coffee filter for toilet paper at your house.”

“Those are her classy sweatpants.”


“I’ve lived here since I moved in.”

“A line of awful people.”

“Ride a cotton pony.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: The Alchemy of Chaos + Magic's Silken Snare

The Alchemy of Chaos by Marshall Ryan Maresca
Veranix - magic student by day and vigilante by night - returns in this implausible sequel. There is an initially hostile woman, a big bad who has the apparent belief that he can bend events to his will, assassins in stripper outfits, menacing boasting, pranks, copious ‘Breaking Bad’ rip-offs and an over involved plot.

This was an imponderable mess full of fighting, talking and improper behaviour. New allies and enemies show up and this was of dwindling interest and unfalteringly dull and larded with jargon about a made up magic system. I just did not care.

Magic’s Silken Snare: Silken Magic #1 by ElizaBeth Gilligan
This 2003 novel set in an alternate Renaissance world takes place in the made up country of Tyrrhia. Various persecuted people hang out there under the benevolent rule of the so liberal rulers. But a kill-tastic princess and cardinal plot. A dead woman lurks needing rescue and the truly annoying ’heroine’ Luciana believes she is the true moral voice of the land.

This was boring as hell, padded out and full of trans-cultural cross-dressing. Luciana’s dudebro husband annoys and Luciana is always whining and finding fault. There is silly magic and a chaotic situation. This was ridiculous with un-engaging characters, a non-realised world and a badly constructed plot. Also it has a horrible cover; I don’t care about these belligerent and unpredictable people.
Scary Books

Ghost In The Water + The Flash 2x11 + The Aliens (2016) 1x01 + Person Of Interest 4x18 Reviewed

Ghost In The Water (1982)
This BBC drama has weird opening credits. A school has an ugly paint job. In a poor scum town, a know it all girl named Tess becomes obsessed with a gravestone. Her parents watch something on TV that looks like a Pet Shop Boys video. There are perms, bad line delivery and flat acting. The 1981 ‘The Haunting of Cassie Palmer’ was better.

Tess nearly drowns herself in a bathtub. Her gravestone obsession is not a noble crusade just an overblown school project. There is a total lack of empathy and an old mine opens up under her lawn. This was stodgy with blue tinged flashbacks. There is an unquiet spirit and an unspecific threat. There is no sense of the physical or topography of the world. The underlying presumption is that I should care. I don’t.

Best Lines:
“Have you been dreaming again?”

“I saw the lawn disappear!”

The Reverse-Flash Returns
Eobard Thawne has returned, yet somehow this ep is boring as hell. Barry is voluble. Cisco is condescending, hectoring and bristling. No-one asks Harry why he is agitated cos they are selfish trash-monsters. Does Harry wear anything that isn’t monochrome? Jay lurks like a yeast infection. Thawne lurks. Jay seethes. Patty still isn’t gone and is one of season 2’s collective problems.

Barry tries to be suave. Iris does not have a calming effect, Joe’s ex is dying and Cisco joyfully intuits. Why does Harry keep squeezing into that yellow suit?  Tina McGee (Amanda Pays of ‘Leviathan’, ‘The Kindred’ and ‘Thief Takers’) is in peril. There is punching, a retcon and Harry has to draw a diagram explaining it all. Barry is aggressive, Snow is useless and makes implausible decisions. This was intermittently interesting. Nobody can make spontaneous conversation. Wally has intransigence. There is a fight and no authentic brittleness.

Thawne has serious bad-ass decay. Nobody mentions that Thawne killed the real Earth 1 Wells. Thawne has pathetic motives. Cisco has no propriety, Patty is so pathetic and there is not a vestige of quality. This ep and everyone in it is terrible. There are ‘Back To The Future’ homages. Barry is a selfish asshat. Thawne meets Earth 2 Harry and this is how he knew to replace Wells and take over STAR Labs. Barry created his own worst enemy.

Didn’t the particle accelerator blow up? Jay shows Snow his Earth 1 doppelganger Hunter Zoloman. Patty finally heads off to Midway City. Jay is too dumb to live and there is blathering about energy force. No more.

Best Lines:
“Freaky-ass Braille room.”

“Yeah that’s right, I see plays.”

“You died.”
“Good to know.”

“A timeline remnant.”

“Nothing can change that.”


“I will never lose to you again.”

“Every time I’ll be ready for you.”

“This is his origin story.”

“Who are you?”
“No-one of consequence.”

The Aliens (2016) 1x01
This is E4’s latest attempt at drama. Shell suit wearing aliens crash landed off the UK coast 40 years ago. Now they live in an alien zone and Lewis is a border guard. It’s presumably 2020 is the aliens crashed in 1990. This isn’t ‘V’, not the original or even the remake. Alien hair is smoked as a life destroying drug. Even ‘Star-Crossed’ was better than this mess that is a distillation of all that is wrong with E4’s yoof drama.

This has annoying opening credits and unwanted kitchen sink drama. People smoke drugs and our hero calls up a cam-girl. There are stereotypes and the aliens are nicknamed Morks. Our hero is thick, catastrophic and forlorn. There are determined and ruthless aliens. Our hero learns he is half alien and that his dad isn’t his dad. I care not.

Best Lines:
“We tag and spray them.”

“I make on-purposes.”

“It’s more a collection of horrible people.”

“Anyone else but him.”

“It’s anatomically impossible.”

The shrink fancies Reese, there is a bounty hunter, a bail jumper and a con artist. They all annoy. Reese tries to help the not hugely appreciative bounty hunter. Finch and his sideburns whispers. Root plots, Finch over-acts, there are stupid subsequent decisions and this was all mendacity, cynicism and boredom. Finch’s latest relationship with a woman is ruined, there is fault finding and egregious people have inconsiderable pride.

Best Lines:
“All sketchy spots.”

“It was all for nothing.”

“She lied, go figure.”

“Watch your back Barbie.”

“A sociopath can’t be sorry.”

“He hasn’t killed anybody. That we know of.”
Illya K

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2’ TV spot

Best Line:
“Knees shut.”

‘Raised By Wolves’ promo

‘Kung Fu Panda 3’ TV spot

Childhood’s End’ (2015) trailer
This Syfy miniseries has aliens showing up. They promise peace. This looks naff. Colm Meany is in this as well as creepy kids. Is that Julian McMahon?

A sequel to ‘My Sweet Audrina’?

I won’t read ‘Things We Have In Common’.

I saw the most gross ‘Scooby-Doo’ tattoo on ‘Tattoo Fixers’.

I hope to review ‘The Witch’.

I won’t review the 2007 ‘The Number 23’.

Malbouffe - junk food.

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“The LAPD was called. Again.”

“Not much work for someone who gets arrested 5 times in an 8 month period.”

“He hid out in a liquor store.”

‘The Man From UNCLE’ Quote:
“We’ll graze in your pasture later.”

Aesop Quote:
“Destroy the seed of evil, or it will grow up to your ruin.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quote:
“Driving me to ruin.”

‘The Daily Telegraph’ Quotes:
“For her to have “earnt” his gaze felt like an achievement.”

“She told stories, instead of listening in awe to his. She made people laugh, instead of giggling on cue at his jokes. He was cold and distant”

“But only in the context of a certain narrative.”

“On the sidelines of his intricate existence.”

“Need consoling every year he didn’t win the Noble prize for literature.”

“Moral decision-making.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Where is Mercedes? TPTB are planning a homeless storyline for the ‘popular’ Harry and Ste? WTF? Nico has assaulted and tried to kill her mother innumerable times. Thorpe resurfaces. Sense is trounced and nobody has articulacy and unfaltering courtesy. Where is Kim? Ben seems to have forgotten his dead daughter. Ste is living in the Lomax house, why? What happened to his own place? Does he recall Doug or John-Paul? Ste is an indomitable ass. Cameron forgets he impregnated Leela at 13. Where are Theresa’s children and John-Paul’s son? Teens have audio opacity. Where are Celine and Cleo? Famously sworn enemies Ben and Trevor brawl over Sienna’s bed. Diego and Myra plan a baby. Nico has done preposterously unforgivable things, like pushing Will off a roof. Ste has no shame. Grace throws Trevor out. Nobody notices Lockie is missing? Trevor and Grace make loud protestations. Sienna lies to and is afraid of Nico. Sienna and Trevor plot. Cameron plants drugs on the moronic self-righteous hypocrite Ste.

Best Lines:
“We’re reasonably good looking.”

“Cajun chicken flamer.”