February 9th, 2016

Hawkeye

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Independence Day: Resurgence’ promo
I like this superbowl ad.

‘The X Files’ 1x05 promo
No not Robbie Amell!

‘10 Cloverfield Lane’ promo
I like.

‘Captain America: Civil War’ promo
“You chose the wrong side.”

‘X-Men: Apocalypse’ promo
Nah.

Helen Mirren Budweiser superbowl ad
This ad offends me.

Best Lines:
“Human form of pollution.”

“Science would return it.”

‘The Blacklist’ promo
Die Liz die.

‘The People Vs OJ Simpson: American Crime Story’ promo
Maybe.

‘The Finest Hours’ TV spot
No.

‘Royal Navy School’ promo
No.

PuppyMonkeyBaby superbowl ad
Creepy.

Parsley mash - nice.
Peppercorn sauce - nice.
Crunchie Blast with popping candy - okay.

That ‘Kingdom Death: Monster’ board game looks ridiculously complicated and pricey.

There is such a thing as smoked yogurt?

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Struggles to feign enthusiasm.”

“There are only two reasons to go to Hollywood Boulevard: to see the stars to or buy drugs.”

“Pescatarian.”

“Reeks of vengeance.”

“Linguistic exile.”

“A woman who looked as if two crows had crashed into her face.”

“Hippies never really took root in New York anyway,”

“You’d get threatened with knives all the time.”

“Dames fighting in their underwear.”

“The emptiness of the audience.”

“A moribund city.”

“Nihilistic chaos.”

“Frantic retreat.”

“Technology dictated art.”

“Sledgehammer emoting.”

“Rugged hippie youth.”

“Shamanic therianthropy.”

“Compromise country.”

“Enforced absence.”

“Callous disrespect.”

“Vaulting contempt.”

“A public and very acrimonious rift.”

“So widely not believed.”

“The most disliked woman in London.”

“Banality and horror.”

“Extraordinarily vile and untrue stories.”

“The mad woman of Belgravia.”

“Uprotectable reputation.”

“Made incautious remarks.”

“Snide and spiteful.”

“Curated her own pictorial.”

“A media corpse.”

“Inevitable criticism.”

“Woefully anachronistic.”

“So utterly beyond satire.”

“My cultural reference points.”

“Eating quite complicated little things.”

“A First World whinge.”

“Bog-standard panna cotta.”

“Marks on the wall charting the height of long dead children.”

“Faintly rackety.”

“Viewed as lies.”

“A stifled, awkward encounter.”

“Warily tender.”

“Spoke with unnatural levels of enthusiasm.”

“The foulest liquid ever to be offered as sustenance.”

“Blood cube.”

“You can look like an American eating crab claws.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Tut tuted loudly.”

“Managed zones.”

Dr Phil’ Quote:
“There was no fist fight in the front yard.”

‘The Haunting of Hill House’ Quote:
“Whatever walked there, walked alone.”

‘Salem’s Lot’ (book) Quotes:
“They went rip-assing home.”

“In ominous gore-crow tones.”

“Oh God, let him believe that.”

“I’ll clout your ass backward.”

“In the night world of her new existence, she found his advances among the heaped mound of garbage very acceptable.”

“Defective window glass was no joke.”

‘NCIS: LA’ Quotes:
“A nice deep straddle.”

“Whatever’s going on here.”

“Those guys.”

“Why am I scared?”

“Fame, pain and cocaine.”

“Freedom, joy and peace.”

‘The Pagan Night’ Quotes:
“Some mud-hut noble.”

“Your father is in the habit of forbidding things,”

“Someone has to hold the walls.”

‘The Phantom of the Opera’ (2004) Quote:
“Bring my doggy and my boxy!”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Socially incited.”

“Dyadic friendships.”

“Intimate disclosure.”

“To be discouraged.”

“Expect symmetrical reciprocity.”

~
On ‘Neighbours’: Brad is selfish and moves his Alzheimer’s riddled father in with him and his whore. Tyler wears a ‘shirt’ with the sleeves and most of the torso torn off.

And on ‘Hollyoaks’: Hypnotaod is back and is all wet in the opening credits. He inspires hostility and can’t act and is all dirty and menacing or rather, trying to be. Trevor denies having anger issues. Hypnotoad has forgotten that Lindsey tried to murder him. Joe, Robbie and Jason walk in on Lindsey and Hypnotoad making out. Hypnotoad could care less that Ziggy is dead. Where is Cameron? Where is JJ? Hypnotoad is outraged that Lindsey is pregnant. Sienna and Trevor fill in a colouring book. Hypnotoad sulks, Grace just doesn’t understand and Lindsey’s unborn baby is Hypnotoad’s!

Best Lines:
“DO I LOOK LIKE A WHITE WINE DRINKER?”

“We put something in the ground.”
Cat

‘Salem’s Lot (2004) + iZombie 1x04 Reviewed

‘Salem’s Lot (2004)
This dull 2004 miniseries stars Rob Lowe, Andre Braugher of ‘Last Resort’, Donald Sutherland, Samantha Mathis, Rutger Hauer and James Cromwell. It is not exactly faithful to the book. In a small town, evil spreads quickly as unseen malign forces gather and benighted characters are worryingly ignorant. This was first made into a miniseries in the 1970s that starred David Soul, James Mason and Bonnie Bedelia.

The characters are all mood hoovers. Sutherland does his usual unsubtle swivel-eyed lunatic act and a real estate agent is massively angry, joyless and a pervert. Matt (Branugher) is a teacher, Susan (Mathis) is doomed and Ben (Lowe) narrates and is unmistakably direct and speaks in a primly reticent way.

I wish I’d watched the 2009 ‘Children of the Corn’ miniseries instead of this. TPTB made some mystifying editorial decisions and this has harsh sharp blue lighting and Hollywood darkness. There are shout-outs to other Stephen King works such as a man singing ‘Stand By Me’ in a karaoke bar and another man yelling “Shut up Cujo!” at his dog.

Susan has a vile smother. Ben has unending flashbacks to a trauma he had as a child. There are no realistic emotions. The evil real estate agent is ominously controlling, treats people with contempt and lacks any natural warmth. Father Callahan (Cromwell) gets his plot rewritten, the trailer trash McDougall clan plot and Dr Cody falls prey not once but twice to convoluted plot gyrations. Dud the village idiot likes Ruth the angry real estate agent’s daughter. The big bad vampire (Hauer) isn’t very scary. Eva the boarding house owner seems stupid. This was not beautifully wrought and you would be hard-pushed to describe it as a profound artistic statement.

Susan is unbearably ponderous, Ben has absolutely no self-insight and is self-justifying and tragically and fundamentally disengaged. He obsesses over the misplaced vanity of modern life. Ben and Susan have no grand romance, no integral moments just inert and laboured dialogue. Mike and Floyd bore. People are psychotically vulnerable to the big bad vampire who looks like he should be holding a dog on some string and selling the Big Issue.

Eva’s pal Weasel bores, there is silly SFX, naff vampire contact lenses and all female vampires somehow get crimped hair. This was not made with the utmost respect for the text or the viewer. The sheriff who looks like Ed Harris tries to get away but does he? There is bad acting, random death and unintentional camp. This was wholly inconsistent with the book and sense. This was not a grand opus and lacks all internal logic. What happened to the baby and the Sherriff? This was nothing significant.

Best Lines:
“Small town Shakespeare.”

“A thankless miserable business.”

“Borderline traitorous.”

“You can’t encourage that retard.”

“You swamp Yankees.”

“Dull mindless moronic evil.”

“Haunted houses are not my genre.”

“We’re standing on unhallowed ground.”

“He might be G’d out on some designer drug.”

“I’ll see you tonight!”
“Yeah, I’m really scared!”

“All the evil things slept.”

“It poisoned my life.”

“His infernal gods.”

“You don’t have any faith to keep me out.”

~
Live and Let Clive
This episode and the show in general are terrible. Major has a want of tact and no impeccable charm or charisma. Liv’s annoying brother shows up to annoy. Liv annoys, Blaine annoys and Liv is anxiety inducingly stupid. This ep was a rickety irrelevance. People behave in vaguely disrespectful ways. There is no constant vigilance over the growing zombie horde just swathes of stupidity. Liv zoms out and I am this close to dropping this unholy mess.

Best Lines:
“Twisted wannbe ninja.”

“Your gang overlord.”

“Anxious fearful thought process with bouts of irrationality and delusion.”

“Don’t startle them, they’re thinking.”

“Porn store.”