January 31st, 2016

Scary Books

Book Review: White Jenna

White Jenna by Jane Yolen
I came to the erroneous assumption that because ‘Sister Light, Sister Dark’ was good that the sequel would be too. I was wrong. This was no triumph for subtlety and was full of displays of stupidity and singing. Jenna is a hateful figure and this crashes and burns spectacularly. I don’t care about Jenna or that long after she is gone, historians grossly misinterpret the past. I don’t care about this ass’s roar of a book so I won’t bother with the next sequel.
Pretty Smart

Movie Review: The World’s End (2013)

This was absolutely awful. Gary King (the ever more annoying Simon Pegg) obsesses over the best night of life from 1990. He believes he was the leader of his gang of friends and king of their small town. Now the vile ugly Gary who looks like a homeless tramp and still wears the same Sisters of Mercy outfit he did in 1990 gathers together his old friends who he hasn’t seen in years to go on a pub crawl. His friends don’t actually like him or the way he refers to them in disparaging terms.

For some reason they go on the pub crawl so Gary, Oliver (Martin Freeman), Andy (Nick Frost, who only seems to get work because he is BFF with Pegg), Peter and Steven reunite. After ‘Shaun of the Dead’ and ‘Hot Fuzz’ this was a total letdown. There is a germ of an interesting idea with pathetic manchild Gary and his bad dye job and how his ‘friends’ hate his lying inconsiderate alcoholic ass. But TPTB ruin it.

This was not strangely alluring as Gary utters gross provocations and still speaks in teen argot. Why is anyone hanging out with him? They walk around Newton Haven having disruptive contact with Gary. This is a bleak verdict on the intellectual capacity of filmmakers. Gary still dresses in 90s forced fashion trends and thinks everything he says or does is a fist pumping sequence. This cinematic plague was literally painful to watch.

Gary uses his friends as a surrogate social life and has a proclivity for causing chaos, strife and discord. He has a toxic persona and causes bad feelings by the trolliest means. Gary is neither an iconoclast nor a ranting misfit. He pants after Oliver’s sister Sam (Rosamund Pike) and has unrealistic expectations of the pub crawl. Then the aliens show up.

Yes TPTB throw away potentially interesting drama about the trapped in his youth Gary and his self-destructive choices, depression, suicide attempt and nostalgia trip to have the ‘friends’ make out with teenage girls and hit aliens with bar stools. This was not poignant or funny. It was full of windy exposition and stricken looks. The terrifying ordinariness of Gary’s life, his awful clothes and his bitter knowledge that the best days of his life are long long gone matter not. He swears at aliens and ruins the planet. Oh and some other guy hits his bully with a branch.

Best Lines:
“You sold my guitar to buy drugs.”

“You have a friend here to see you.
“No I don’t.”

“I haven't had a drink for 16 years Gary.”
“You must be thirsty then.”

“Rob small charming pubs of any discernible character.”

“Big ugly bastards wearing warpaint.”

“Massive wide-ons.”

“Can’t help feeling sorry for him.”

“On those dark country roads where they can deal with us.”

“Organic renewal.”

“Have you had sex yet?”
“We have two children.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and a 2002 Tape Tale

‘Labyrinth’ (1986) trailer
Muppets and Bowie and singing and an 80s fright wig.

‘Unhallowed Ground’ (2015) trailer
School cadets, burglars and guns. Looks good.

Best Line:
“Horror movie 101: never investigate.”

‘Dance N Twirl’ Barbie
Use a huge radio remote control to make Barbie dance!

Best Line:
“Batteries and Ken not included.”

‘Elementary’ promo
Is this still on?

‘The Walking Dead’ promo

Whole nut milk chocolate - yum.
Dragonfruit, yuzu, zinc and Ceylon tea - ugh.

Strawberry soufflé face masque - smells like Opal Fruits.

RIP Frank Finaly of the 1976 'Bouquet of Barbed Wire'.

Anyone recall Heinz steamed puddings? Biarritz bars? Orange Viscounts? Haunted House pasta in a tin? Smash? Supermarkets having an entire aisle devoted to Soda Stream cordials? French Brad pizzas? Strawberry Pepsi?

Anyone else have a relative who gives unwanted insanely aggressive ‘help’ and unwanted ‘advice’?

Recall Dance Magic Barbie? Western Fun Barbie and her horse Sun Runner? Or Totally Hair Barbie? Or Dream Glow Barbie?

WTF are Herbal Womb Detox Pearls?

So ‘House of Cards’ got a 5th season. Shrug.

‘King George & Queen Mary: The Royals Who Saved The Monarchy’ Quotes:
“Royalty was above education.”

“Had the intellectual capacities of a railway porter.”

“Rumours that he was Jack The Ripper.”

“Unreliable to the last, caught the flu and died.”

“Flagrantly dynastic marriage.”

“Looked at the frogs in the garden.”

“You dress like a cad.”

“Riot begets riot.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Cultural submission.”

“But then complained.”

“Let me speak ill of the living.”

“Amiability bewitched many.”

“Became the prevalent narrative.”

“Disputed issues.”

“Realistic defence capability.”

“Some kind of dereliction or malevolence.”

“Defended it until help arrived.”

“Lawyerly evasiveness.”

“Pounding battle drums and militaristic machismo.”

“Unimpeachably heroic.”


“Scummy mummy.”

“Go home and get a wash.”

“Neither disorderly nor unparliamentarily.”


“Flying beaver.”


“Malicious and vengeful.”

“Lying was the game.”

“Paranoia and desperation.”

“Writ small.”


“The aesthetic is aggressively web 1.0,”

“Misplaced glances.”

“Camouflaged miscreants.”

“Potentially dangerous lies.”

“Leaving a comment that was deemed annoying.”

“Crossed the line from nuisance to outright menace.”

“Hardly relevant.”

“Disjointed and disturbing messages.”

“Dark insinuations.”

“His flaws burnished.”

“Randomness and inadequacy.”

“Tragic new significance.”

“Pride felt shameful.”

“Felt neither guilty nor responsible.”


“To have random strangers from the internet calling them.”

“Some measure of relief.”

“Under appreciative overdramatic teenagers.”

“Deliberately staged dispute.”

“Insufficiently committed.”

“Divisive and alienating.”

‘Flintoff: Lord of the Fries’ Quote:
“A training caber.”

‘Animal Hording’ Quote:
“Not listening to nobody.”

‘Manchester’s Serial Killer?’ Quotes:
“A difficult conversation about what someone was doing.”

“Fallen in there on his own accord.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Why am I 30,000 dollars in debt for medical fees?”

“Unduly threatening.”

‘Teen Mom’ Quote:
“He needs to get approved to stay here.”

‘Devil’s Consort’ Quotes:
“Are you willing to ally yourself with the gutter sweepings of Europe?”

“He watches every breath you take, and prays it will be your lat.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“It was very hands-on until it wasn’t.”

“When mid-life hit, it was unbearable for him.”

“Middle-aged alienation.”

“Evasions and dishonesties.”

“Ordinarily terrible.”

“Problematic male gazing.”

“Move slowly and moronically.”

“Sanctimoniously informed.”

“A miserable sham.”

“Discuss respectable topics in staid tones and with an air of intolerable self-confidence.”

“Morally better.”

“Ingrained suspicion.”

“Respectful care.”

“Simple, sheer inability.”

“Mutual distrust.”


“Looking dishevelled and smelling of urine.”

“A very, very antisocial group.”

“The mediocrity of contemporary thought.”

“To find some kind of path of understanding.”

“Has less power than he feels he deserves.”

‘Great British Railway Journeys’ Quotes:
“Hating eyes.”

“Tidal limit.”

“Charged with intent to murder.”

Cleared out a tape from 2002. It began with a ‘Smallville’ ep ‘Rogue’ in which the clex is undermined by Clark’s lies and a crazy cop. Victoria lurks with her bad acting and annoying mien. Chloe and Lana have no gratefulness. The colour scheme is very red. Jonathan Kent has a cultural reluctance to see sense. Clark wears too much corduroy. The Kents are inherently elitist. The sets look like an 80s social welfare office.

Best Line:
“Such negative feelings.”

Then came a season 6 ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Once More With Feeling’ which was the musical ep. This was the sole highlight of the disastrously limited season 6. This show is in odd looking widescreen. There is bad singing and angry glares. This ep is actually horrendous with little popular resonance. The plot is preposterous and self-consciously hip post-modernism. The teen angst BC doesn’t coalesce and this has the stink of desperation.

Best Line:
“His penis got diseases.”

Then there was an ‘Angel’ ep ‘Fredless’ which was not productive or constructive, it had no power or subtlety and was not incredibly authentic. Finally there was a ‘The Pretender’ ep ‘Crazy’ in which Jarod did more redressing of grievances. This lacked credibility and was unwatchable due to bad tracking. This ep prompted dissatisfaction and was of a reprehensible nature. There is no reasonable rationale to the litany of falsehoods and deceptions that Jarod carries out. This was neither extraordinary or emotive.