January 19th, 2016

To Light The Way To Bed

Red Thorn #1& #2 Reviewed

Chapter One: Glasgow Kiss
A woman with odd powers is in Scotland looking for her long lost sister. There is swearing, sex, monsters, nudity and death. This was okay but the narrative arc makes no sense. The heroine is nonchalant to the point of indifference about vague implausibilities and madly creepy goings on but hey she’s an orthodontically correct bien-pensant liberal so who cares about narrative conceits?

Best Lines:
“Are you really sitting alone, reading Camus at a Nirvana tribute band gig?”

“It was already far too late to undo what my drawings had done.”

Chapter Two: Rebel of The Underground
Thorn some mad fair who really wants to be David Bowie in ‘Labyrinth’ lurks. Red Caps prance and people have a weird reluctance to notice the tunnelling horror. The tyranny of narrative leads the heroine in a dark direction in startling unrealistic fashion. The heroine has no aesthetic shock regarding the almost primeval Thorn. This experiential reality is not a compelling rendition and is hideously homogenous.

Best Line:
“The fool married Morag the Bloody Fingered. Ye’d think the name woulda been a giveaway, eh?”
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Scary Books

5 TV Reviews

iZombie (2015 - ?) 1x01

Doctor Liv goes to a party on a boat and zombies attack and she becomes a zombie and this all takes place before the opening credits. This was created by Rob Thomas from a comic I’ve never heard of. Liv wears a bad wig and David Anders is in this as another unexpected zombie. Liv steals brains from the morgue and eats them with hot sauce. Was the zombie outbreak caused by a designer drug? Liv gets memories from the brains she eats and helps a cop to solve the murder of a ho. Liv is lost and isolated and not looked after by her friends and family. People are deceitful and this was seemingly dubious but was okay. Liv won’t talk to anyone as she fears social repudiation. On cursory analysis, the plot resolution is not maniac brilliance. This was implausible and the David Anders revelation causes Liv perturbation. I’ll watch more.

Best Lines:
“You’ve all the making of a nemesis.”

“An inexplicable zombie outbreak.”

“Place of love.”

“Please say vomit.”

“The trophy wife and the intruder were one of our go-to’s.”

“Like satan with a fat ass.”

Scream Queens 1x13

The Final Girls
This was okay but logic was an absent presence as Hester narrates her ridiculously auterish long in the planning murder spree. Boone’s dumb, Hester spared Grace because she was nice to her and she hires Steven Culp to play her father. Chanel, Chanel 3 and Chanel 5 are framed as psycho killers. Why was Chanel 2 killed then? Chad is dumb, the Chanels are arrested in hilarious fashion and vagueness goes on.

Best Lines:
“Killing herself with laxatives.”

“Clock of social invisibility.”

“Our daughter sucks.”

“Some people don’t deserve to just get murdered.”

”God already blessed me with toenail clippers in the form of teeth in my mouth."

“The worst human beings I have ever encountered.”

Catherine Cookson: The Man Who Cried (1993)
Ciaran Hinds stars in this soppy ITV miniseries that tells the tale of ego-driven middle class wanquerie and bad women with no moral obligations. This was deeply insincere. One does not care about the prevailing malaise and hunger marches of the 1930s.

Best Lines:
“He’s done his wife in.”

“I’m done supporting you!”

Miami Vice (1984 - 1990) 4x22&5x01

Mirror Image
After a boat explosion Crockett gets amnesia and thinks he really is his drug dealing undercover identity. Either that or he has had a nervous breakdown induced DID episode. Julia Roberts pops up as a drug dealers PA. Chris Cooper is in this. Tubbs has a beard. Hardfaced Don Johnson gives evil looks wears dark evil clothing and has evil hair and looks fine for someone blown up in a boat at sea. Tubbs cannot act. Edward James Olmos looks dreadful as the boss. Crockett and his shiny face plots and kills people and has no moral boundaries.

Crockett or should one say Burnett shoots Tubbs in a dry ice filled dark alley as a terrible 80s song plays. Tubbs survives cos of a bullet proof vest and is confused. A corrupt cop (Cooper and his huge 80s hair) plots. Tubbs screams. This was good.

Best Lines:
“I love vice.”

“Maybe your judgement is a little cloudy.”

“It was dark.”
“Not that dark.”

“There’s something really wrong with Sonny.”

“You’re not that good.”

Hostile Takeover
Sonny still thinks he is ruthless thug Burnett. The soundtrack is completely different. A drug war looms. Annoying types party. Don Johnson directs this ep full of 80s tech, 80s hair and a guest appearance by Matt Frewer. Sonny (Johnson) has a ponytail, how much time has passed since 4x22? Where did Julia Roberts’ character go? There is death and bad acting and terrible lines.

Tubbs goes undercover with a bad Jamaican accent and Sonny doesn’t know him. Tubbs is slow on the uptake. Sonny has flashbacks to who he really is and targets another damaged woman. Sonny is a way better criminal than he ever was as a cop. He manipulates a drug dealer, his badly permed son and his trophy wife. Sonny is now the bad guy. Where are the cops? Sonny is a sexist pig as Burnett and murders more people.

Tubbs and Sonny have a confrontation full of increduility and dismay. Sonny wears a nice suit, Tubbs is stupid and it ends in a cliffhanger. This was not good not even a little bit.

Best Lines:
“Don’t touch me old man. Don’t ever touch me!”

“Never saw the day when dope dealers would organise.”

“I hear interesting things about you Burnett.”

“Punk ass silk suit!”

“Make love to my woman!”

“Get this trash out of here.”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Colony’ trailer
LA has razor wire, an orange tree, a wall of photos, red hats, a wall, drones, battle damage and tragedy befalls all of the characters who have unhinged looks in their eyes. What is the arrival? Or the exclusion zone? Who are the Hosts? Josh Holloway must collaborate, there is a glow in the skies and a labour camp. I wanna see this.

Best Lines:
“Collaborate and you die.”

“Good things come to the loyal.”

“No one ever sees them.”

‘Colony’ 1x02 promo
Greasy hair, a weird wall and cast members from ‘Lost’, ‘The Walking Dead’ and ‘CSI’ run around as stuff blows up. There is also a drone and a weird logo. Am intrigued.

Best Lines:
“What’s out there?”
“The rest of the world.”

‘South of Hell’ trailer
Looks boring.

‘Dad’s Army’ TV spot

‘Scream Queens’ 1x13 promo

‘Bridget & Eamon’ promo

‘Code Black’ 1x02 promo

Made gluten free chocolate walnut cupcakes, yummy.
Pink champagne - nice.
A deliciously indulgent centre containing Brazilian honey flavoured with a hint of apricot and set in a milk chocolate shell - good.
Zesty Valencia orange oil set in milk chocolate and encased in a crisp dark chocolate - good.
Maldon sea salt set in a milk chocolate centre and encased in a crisp dark chocolate shell - good.
A crisp dark chocolate shell encloses a luxurious intense liquid caramel filling with deep burnt sugar notes - good.
Broccoli, walnut and feta salad - yum.

I may review ‘Deadly Spa’ and ‘The World’s End’.

Sam Neill is in an upcoming ITV miniseries ‘Tutankhamen’.

Horrid ‘The X Files’ eps include: ‘Lazarus’, ‘Young At Heart’, ‘E.B.E’, ‘Miracle Man’, ‘Shapes’, ‘Tooms’, ‘Born Again’, ‘Roland’, ‘The Host’, ‘3’, ‘Excelsius Dei’, ‘Irresistible’, ‘Fresh Bones’, ‘Fearful Symmetry’, ‘Dod Kalm’, ‘The Calusari’, ‘Soft Light’, ‘Our Town’, ‘D.P.O’, ‘The List’, ‘2Shy’, ‘The Walk’, ‘Oubliette’, ‘Revelations’, ‘Pusher’, ‘Teso Dos Bichos’, ‘Hell Money’, ‘Avatar’ and ‘Teliko’.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves’ Quote:
“Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans. No more merciful beheadings. And call off Christmas!”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“So this guy’s first job after leaving college is to photograph David Bowie for Italian Vogue.”

“Off-the-shelf existential stereotype.”

“Portentous histrionics.”

“Hope was dead.”

“Profoundly disturbing.”

“Is that a veiled criticism.”

“French metrosexuals in drainpipe jeans.”

“Bulgarian toughs.”

“Tooth-grinding grimace.”

“They are shouting and screaming and slapping them in custody, because they are religious, and the sons have brought shame on the whole community.”

“They are declining fast.”

“The posh drunks they would come in and vomit there.”

“Those surly Afghans with the shifty electronics shops.”

“Slurring indifference.”

“Loathes table-clubbing.”

“He needs three prostitutes to calm himself down.”

“Foul burgers.”

“Inevitably dumb.”

“Stolen from 1930s corpses.”

‘Furious 6’ Quotes:
Wrong team bitch!”

“Thank you for fast cars.”

‘The Running  Man’ (novella) Quotes:
“People were being led out weeping. People were being thrown out.”

“Stupid fearful incredulity.”

“It rained fire twenty blocks away.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Lindsey fakes a pregnancy or does she? Harry and Ste continue to be vile life obliterating jerks. Cameron is now a psycho creating a dense network of lies. Lockie escapes from the garden shed he was kept in by his brother only to find no-one missed his ‘charismatic’ ass for the three weeks he was gone. Plus he is framed as a fire setting junkie.
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: The Running Man + 2 others

The Running Man (1987)
It’s 2017 and reality TV rules. This is based, loosely, on a Stephen King novella. We get Arnie, 80s SFX, 80s action and terrible quips in this testosterone tsunami full of people who can’t act. This has no artistic merit. Captain Freedom (Jesse Ventura) lurks in ridiculously tight tights doing nothing. There is screaming, death and this was not complex or compelling or fastidiously plotted or wistful. There is lame duck acting and this was dispirited and dire and a crass misreading of King’s work.

The baddies aren’t stylishly malevolent just dumb. Arnie sneers, snarls and scowls and is quite unpleasant. Nobody is heartfelt or emotional. Arnie’s character Ben Richards has an unjust reputation as a nut and yet acts in irredeemably sour fashion and is highly irritating. I say again this was awful and Ben has no strong dramatic motivation and nobody seems convincingly affected by the dystopia they occupy.

This was sense deadening and starved of substance and is pretentious twaddle and spectacularly nondescript. The baddies are all self-conscious decadence and sneering nihilism that isn’t subtly deviant. Dancers in leotards who are extraneous whores prance. Ben and his ’love interest’ escape the deranged clutches of the game makers which did not happen in the novella. This is ultimately tedious, lacking in emotional subtlety and is full of macho chest beating by illiberal avidly awful people.

There is 80s hair, 80s earrings and is like pro-wrestling from hell. Killian is the gameshow host, TPTB don’t seem to understand the concept of television, the game zone is a joke and nothing from the novella makes it in. Ben shows off his Protein World muscles and everyone has teeth like a toothpaste model. Ben has persistent defiance, really stupid dialogue and is clamorously dumb. Nobody shows compassion and everyone watches snuff TV with rapturous acclaim. The ‘love interest’ does dumb things and is useless and makes bad choices typical of her unwise lifestyle choices. This movie is a horrendous thing. Woe betide viewers.

Best Lines:
“Eliminate anything moving.”

“Food riot in progress.”

“Street punks.”

“Are you ready for pain?”

“Climbing for dollars.”

“I’m your court appointed theatrical agent.”

“I’ll be back.”
“Only in a rerun.”

“Flaunted the law and traditional morality.”

Gilda (1946)
I don’t get it.

One Hour Photo (2002)
Pretty Smart

Book Review: She Walks In Shadows, part 2

She Walks In Shadows edited by Silvia Moreno-Garcia & Paula R. Stiles, part 2

Lavinia’s Wood
The tale of how Lavinia Whatley conceived her terrible twins. She is decisively excluded, overlooked and patronised by proper people and so seeks celestial catharsis. This was deliciously villainous.

The Adventurer’s Wife
The non-cohesive tale of the widow of a man spoken of in hushed and reverential tones. This was substandard.

A man is simultaneously invited and repelled by the disorienting dissonance of a place where something terrible happened. This was good and imperiously cold.

An excellent tale of vengeance and hate. Has intensity and the unbearable certainty of doom.

The Thing On The Cheerleading Squad
At Miskatonic High, a cosseted girl sees through the normative veneer only to fall prey to elemental forces and iniquitous magic. A bleak unanswerable injustice is about to take place and this was excellent.

Body To Body To Body
An okay tale of two radically contrasting sisters and their increasingly fraught relationship.

Magna Mater
A strikingly un-normal woman walks into a museum causing implicit deference all around her. Satisfactory.

A young girl dreams of the Witch House and sheds the shackles of her bastions of conformity to get there. This was done with wary frankness.

Bitter Perfume
A family have a secret that leaves them at discordance.

Eight Seconds
A bad mother pays the price for her bad choices. Okay.