December 29th, 2015

To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: The Revenge Of The Hound + Ghosts In Baker Street

The Revenge Of The Hound by Michael Hardwick
In this dull 2004 novel, Watson is getting married yet again, Holmes is an ass and the Hound is back. Also someone has stolen Oliver Cromwell’s bones. Holmes is impossible, people act like morons and a plot is unwound. This does not disseminate joy or have any qualifying adjectives. This isn’t even sporadically interesting.

Best Lines:
“For heaven’s sake, Holmes, stop making those sepulchral noises!”

“They’re saying the Hound of the Baskervilles has come back.”

“You surely do not need me to spell out the menace of used notepaper.”

Ghosts In Baker Street edited by Martin H. Greenberg, Jon Lellenberg, and Daniel Stashower
This 2006 anthology tells new tales of Sherlock Holmes with a supernatural twist.

The Devil and Sherlock Holmes
Watson gets Holmes to investigate a mental patient who claims to be Satan. This was mediocre and makes no sense.

Best Lines:
“There isn’t a criminal with imagination left on our island. They have all emigrated to America to run for public office.”

“Was prevented from ingesting the contents of a bottle of chlorine bleach only by the strenuous intervention by a male orderly.”

The Adventure of the Librarian’s Ghost
Is there a ghost in the library? No. This was dull and had a ridiculous conclusion.

The Adventure of the late Orang Outang
A story of a spectral anthropoid that devolves into sub par twaddle.

A Scandal In Drury Lane, Or The Vampire Trap
There is drama in a theatre in this dire mess.

Best Lines:
“Malignant fate,”

“I could never portray a woman with such strange notions of hospitality.”

Sherlock Holmes and the Mummy’s Curse
No curse just greed.

Death In The East End
Watson is troubled by the sins of the past. Dull.

The Adventure of the Dog in the Nightime
Murder in the East End. No.

Selden’s Tale
Inspired by ‘The Hound of the Baskervilles’ this was boring.

The Adventure of the St. Marylebone Ghoul

The Coole Park Problem
Holmes and Watson go to Ireland. No.

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Deadpool’ trailer
Ass shots, red spandex and killing. Maybe.

Best Lines:
“Look at it.”
“I don’t wanna.”

‘War & Peace’ promo

‘Iron Man 3’ promo

‘Texas Rising’ promo

Dark chocolate fudge sundae biscuit - okay.
Apricot chutney - good.
Milk chocolate orange sundae biscuit - okay.
Mixed Double Chocolate Viennese biscuit - okay.
Sauvignon blanc - okay.
Cranberry confit - okay.
Belgian dark chocolate mousse - okay.
Dark chocolate Viennese finger biscuit - dull.
Milk chocolate shortcake ring - dull.
Milk chocolate shortcake regency biscuit - dull.

‘Wayne Rooney - the man behind the goals’ was crap.

Miniature donkeys are cute.

ITV are making a drama about the Durrells?

‘Deep Impact’ Quotes:
“This is the crew that will stop the comet.”

“We call it the Messiah.”

‘Countryfile’ Quote:
“Cultivation terraces.”

‘Mina: The Dracula Story Continues’ Quotes:
“If I had any desire to devour my husband, did he think I would do it in the dining car?”

“How quickly that wonder died.”

“Do not draw their interest.”

“Stoic misery.”

‘Friends’ Quotes:
“The Irish jig guy?”

“Big fat gaolie.”

‘The Big Bang Theory’ Quotes:
“She agreed to go out with you for free.”

“Are you high?”

“Doesn’t feel like an arm.”
“Than maybe you should let it go.”

‘SWAT’ Quote:
“100 mill oughta buy you a nice husband in there.”
Scary Books

4 Movie Reviews

Timescape aka Grand Tour: Disaster In Time (1992)
This dull badly acted film stars Jeff Daniels as a man whose wife died in ridiculous fashion. So he and his daughter (Ariana Richards) renovate a guest house. Weird guests move in and they are time travellers who go on disaster tours and are waiting for a disaster to hit this town with detached fascination.

Oz: The Great and Powerful (2013)
James Franco is the Wizard in this prequel. Glinda and her tacky crown lurks and kisses the oily wizard. Two wicked sisters show off various outfits. There are wacky sidekicks and nightmarish transformations. James Franco’s wizard causes all the problems and combative individuals. The Emerald City looks cheap. This was dumb and derivative with clunky CGI. Why does a land with no Christian tradition have church bells? Why are Glinda’s outfits so fugly? How is James Franco’s hair oil holding up?

Best Lines:
“Curse you and your pretty little face!”

“Oh sister, you’re hideous.”

“Oh dear.”

“You happened to me.”

“They will come back.”

“I don’t want that.”

“Now everyone will see you as you truly are.”


Telstar: The Joe Meek Story (2008)
This UK film stars luvvie comedians and Kevin Spacey with an English accent. It tells the tale of a UK record producer who tantrums, assaults people, makes music and throws the Beatles demo in the bin. This was unwatchable.

Best Line:
“Does that include being attacked with a pair of scissors and thrown down a flight of stairs?”

Behind The Candelabra (2013)
A tale of Liberace and his younger lover Scott (Matt Damon). How much of this is true is debatable. Trashy Scott is drawn into Liberace’s world of glitter, bling and rhinestones. People act like the scum of the streets and forget to be nice. This film isn’t worth my spit. Liberace has a hairpiece, Scott wears overly tight swimwear and there is sex and selfishness. Rob Lowe looks grotesque as a plastic surgeon. Nobody is deeply moral. Scott is a doom cookie. There are drugs, bitterness, enmity and a demand for severance pay. No good thing ever dies and this wasn’t good. Scott and Liberace weren’t optimum mates and this was unrealistic and ends with death and tack.

Best Lines:
“Eight beats to the bar.”

“He’s ruining me!”

“These are actual Roman columns.”

“In and out of places.”

“This request is unseemly.”

“My talent comes from God.”

Z Nation 1x04-1x07 + And Then There Were None parts 2&3 + Scream Queens 1x10 Reviewed

Full Metal Zombie
How did the virus spread? Where did it come from? Nobody knows. The gang ration toilet paper. There is an ambush by a nasty family and it is revealed that Murphy was in jail for postal fraud. One wonders why the gang treat everything Citizen Z says as vouchsafed. Citizen Z has a sexual misunderstanding and the gang arrive at an infection control base full of nut jobs.

Doc is in peril. 10k has flashbacks. This was a placeholder of an ep. Doc saves his life by getting a zombie high. Unenforceable orders are given. The gang are alone and unwanted in an uncaring world. Cue baleful staring, malefactors and ignominies. I’ve disinterest in this ep.

Best Lines:
“Amish zombies? Really? Really?”

“’Night of the Living Dead’. Great movie. Sucky reality.”

“When was the last time you changed your underwear?”

“You don’t sneak up on people in the zombie apocalypse.”

“We played cards. Once.”

“Everybody I ever knew is dead.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
“You know I don’t like you.”
“Get in line.”

Home Sweet Zombie
The mock-serious adventures go on. Addy shows off her shaved armpits and legs and her henna dye job still holds up. An electric fence has power until it doesn't. Other survivors are sighted. A tornado hits and the gang head to Roberta’s hometown for shelter. Murphy is awful. Roberta looks for her missing husband. Murphy offers no inestimable help. Addy has flashbacks. Murphy has more side-effects. There is a mention of the Battle of New Jersey. Doc does improvised brain surgery with a drill. The tornado is full of zombies. Addy’s boyfriend Mack comforts her. This was good and Murphy acts psychotic.

Best Lines:
“Is he going to make it?”
“Is that a trick question?”

“His momma didn’t raise him right.”

“Really God? Really?!?”

Resurrection Z
Citizen Z quotes Yeats. A preacher leads a cult of crazies. There is a mention of zombies forming mega-herds. I see some similarities to ‘In The Flesh’. The cult causes chaos in a safe zone. A zombie is killed with a whisk. This was good and tense. Murphy goes all dark messiah and Charlie (Tom Everett Scott) makes a sacrifice.

Best Lines:
“There is no cure.”

“At least while there was still business to boom.”

“Crazy spreads fast.”

“Goddam suicide zombies.”

“Now walks among the dead.”

“You psychotic bastard.”

Welcome To The FU Bar
Everyone deals with Charlie’s death. The gang are separated. A zombie mega-herd approaches. Roberta and co hang out at a camp full of sketchy types. This was not cogent or canny. Murphy causes more issues with injurious actions. He is discontented and past the bounds of rationality. 10k does something thick. There is impecunious behaviour.

And Then There Were None (2015) part 2
The servant carries on being a servant. Nobody has any sense. Vera goes hysterical. The Judge has health issues. Dr Armstrong (Toby Stephens) annoys and issues blandishments. Vera makes queries. The General killed his wife’s lover after finding an explicit love letter and is haunted by his deed. Lombard and Blore search the island. The General is obsessed with being a gentleman. Silly moustaches are sported. The matron (Miranda Richardson) extrapolates and offers innumerable examples of her vileness. There are more deaths and a storm blows in.

Why does nobody swim for help? Sadly this ep was mediocrity. The matron rants about the lower orders breeding. There is more death. The survivors are pawns and rotten people. There is swearing and foreshadowing. Aidan Turner gets his shirt off. Suspicion blooms. This was underpowered and impenetrable and not dark and startling like part 1.

Best Lines:
“Suffers from female neurosis.”

“I did kill all those men and more.”

“After all that, she died of the Spanish flu.”

“No-one’s coming for us.”

“Your employer is insane.”

“My maid of all work.”

“I believed her to be a clean, decent, modest girl.”

“Naturally and quite properly I refused.”

“Can handle situations.”

“A sink of depravity.”

“Sweaty bucket of lard.”

“She’s shut up now isn’t she?”

“He’s gonna go everywhere.”

“Actual intellects.”

“Don’t go implying.”

“How happy we’ll be when we have everything.”

And Then There Were None (2015) part 3
The meditative gang have the dread realisation that the killer is one of them. Vera has more flashbacks to Hugo and doomed Cyril. Dr Armstrong has existential darkness and manly conviction. Wargrave is a virtue-signaller. The killer has a warped and corrupted mind. A crusty old gent and raffish types are all that is left so they act smug, self-congratulatory, greedy and venal. Psychological amplititude goes on; there is genuine threat and overtly loathsome people.

Nobody has any sense and nobody acts to a high moral standard. Cocaine is snorted like it is in abundance on the island. Lombard gets his shirt off yet again. People readily admit to their affinity for murder. There is smouldering and more death. Including death by polar bear rug. Things get increasingly robust. Vera reveals how she isn’t blameless in Cyril’s death. A lot of adaptations shied away from Vera’s guilt for Cyril’s murder.

The so well-intentioned killer is revealed and psycho cow Vera gets a gruesome end. But how did the killer do it all? I can’t even imagine the mind that would come up with this plan or maybe I just don’t want to. This was good and dark.

Best Lines:
“You idiotic cretinous bastard.”

“It was unsettling.”

“His terrible darkness.”

“Posh people innit.”

“People don’t just vanish not on an island this size.”

“Not here.”

“Ten bodies and no murderer.”

“They believed me last time.”

Gigi dies and families are horrible. Hester isn’t dead, spurious paternity claims are hurled and Chanel 3 has a horrible family. Wes was a man slut in the 90s. Murder accusations are hurled, Chanel is called trash by Chad’s vile family and Chanel 5 bores. Pete annoys, there is a reveal and Chad’s father (Alan Thicke), mother (Julia Duffy) and brother (Chad Michael Murray) are disgusting people. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Gravity killed Hester.”

“I have bathroom shame issues.”

“That seems like an unnecessarily complicated cover story.”

“Drunk on wine is still drunk.”

“That outfit screams desperation.”

“Neckbrace whore.”

“Is that what quail is?”

“You bloated little tramp!”

“A bunch of my sorta friends have been killed.”

“Tastes like Henry VIII just barfed in my mouth.”

“Chad hasn’t mentioned you. Ever.”

“Not the most adult form of conflict resolution.”

“You have a bright future ahead of you in the sex offender wing of a supermax prison.”