December 27th, 2015

Scary Books

Book Review: The Italian Secretary

The Italian Secretary by Caleb Carr
This 2005 novel sees Holmes and Watson head to Scotland to investigate grisly murders that the suggestible are linking to nefarious goings on at the court of Mary, Queen of Scots. The overriding feeling one gets from this novel is boredom. It has all the accoutrements but it is so very very dull and full of padding.
JohnLock

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The H8teful Eight’ TV spot
Hell no.

‘Creed’ promo
No.

‘Sherlock’ promo
Mmmmm.

Mint humbug dairy free goodness - okay.
Hot port - okay.
Goat’s Cheese pearls - good.
Gluten free gravy - not so hot.
Gluten free stuffing - got a little burnt.
Gluten free Christmas pudding - excellent.
Brandy Cream - yum.
Wild Raspberry chocolate - good.

Amber Heaven body lotion with sandalwood and patchouli smells okay.

Dear relative: stop buying excessive pickled onions and mince pies. Get out of the kitchen and stop getting crumbs on the carpet. Why wouldn’t you get off your ipad on Christmas day? Also stop blaring carols on the radio so loudly and we are not “the staff”. You won’t help change a light bulb, are selfish, bought the wrong kinds of light bulbs and are lazy, stupid and ungrateful. Also I don’t want to go on skype, leave me alone.

Days of Our Lives’ Quote:
“Maybe we can live like normal people.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“You BBC bastards!”

“An indefinite purgatory.”

“Cold, calculated and unhelpful.”

“Social transfer.”

“Sex storm.”

“Flagrant disregard.”

“Morally regressive.”

“Magnanimity.”

“Existentially prevailing.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quote:
“Prevent foxy foraging.”

‘Scandal’ Quote:
“You think the law is a suggestion.”
Scary Books

6 Movie Reviews

One Dark Night (1983)
Meg Tilly and Adam West star in this bizarre boring ‘horror’. A woman stares, tinny music plays and there is no drollery or raillery just idiots with bad perms. This was not harrowing, there is just thuggery, a dead Russian psychic and this was not lucent. This was non-negotiably boring, jaded, derivative, tiresome, delusive and contrived. There was yelling and ridiculousness and had no sanctity or overtly ideological moments. Adam West lurks and looks cute. There were mutterings about psychic vampirism and death. Avoid this mess.

Best Lines:
“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Ain’t no sister yet.”

“Take that stupid thing out of your mouth!”

“The bizarre condition of his apartment.”

“You are such a nice girl!”

“Bio-energy.”

“Your father was no fake.”

~
Darby O’Gill and the Little People (1959)
Terrible.

~
E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1983)
Very very boring with no aesthetic diversity or sturdy appeal just ordered eating.

~
Man Of Steel (2013)
Wooden actor Henry Cavill stars in this dull, terrible, ugly Zack Snyder film that reboots Superman yet again. This was blurry and Russell Crowe looks old as Jor-El. There is weird creepy alien technology, Krypton elders in silly hats and blathering about a codex. Zod stomps around in silly armour overacting and the alien world looks 1950s.

There is excessive incoherent action. Jor-El is a bad ass and Lara whines. Zod is so bug-eyed and wooden it is laughable. Russell Crowe fights, fights, fights and dies. There is yelling, no flying 2D glass prison and excessive CGI. Little Kal-El heads to earth and suddenly he is an adult named Clark Kent doing ‘Deadliest Catch’ and saving people from an oil rig accident.

There are flashbacks to a school bus accident with mentions of Lana, Pete and the Fordham boy. Jonathan Kent (Kevin Costner looking old) mutters distancing language. There is no moral equivalent and this does not impart familiarity. How did the Kents lug Kal-El’s huge alien ship into their storm cellar? How did the government not notice?

The optics in this film are ugly and this was not a metaphorical construct. The intensity of Zod’s dispute is inversely proportional to the importance of the issues at stake. There is no moral presumption or measured advice. This wasn’t even sporadically interesting. Lois Lane shows up to swap spit with Superman. Clark finds his fortress of solitude that is 20,000 years old or something. Perry White lurks and Clark gets answers. Zod has a manufactured sense of privilege. Clark puts on his suit, dead Jor-El pops up to dump exposition, Martha Kent (Diane Lane) sits around, stuff blows up a lot and there is no defining third act statement. I hated this.

Best Lines:
“There are habitable worlds within reach.”

“Everybody here is already dead.”

“On whose authority?”
“Mine.”

“You’ll be the leader of nothing.”

“His cells will drink its radiation.”

“They’ll kill him.”
“How? He’ll be a god to them.”

“Heresy!”

“Forget them. They’re dead.”

“Didn’t even exist on the periodic table.”

“Release the world engine!”

“Print it or I walk.”

“Creeping cancer of falsehoods.”

“Foresaw the coming calamity.”

“This is a genesis chamber.”

“Earth’s sun is younger and brighter.”

~
Gravity (2013)
This was emotional manipulation all the way as the space shuttle Explorer is destroyed by space debris and incompetent idiot Ryan (Sandra Bullock) must survive. How did Ryan become an astronaut? Matt (George Clooney) hangs around with a woman his own age for a while before dying. Ryan more or less destroys the ISS and then has to head to a Chinese space station. There goes humanity’s capability to travel to space. Ryan is really annoying and cannot choose wisely. She hallucinates and is a Jonah. This was okay but was not a serpent of subtlety. Also, where was Ryan’s space nappy?

Best Lines:
“Right of disposal.”

“You point the damn thing at Earth.”

“Let’s go home.”

~
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)
We get exposition dumps about elves, dwarves, eldritch architecture and the arkenstone. We also get an end to peace and plenty, things turning sour and a dragon flapping around. This was dull with false highs and seems to be set 60 years before the events of ‘Lord of the Rings’. Various ‘Lord of the Rings’ actors lurk and there is excessive singing and so much padding. This was belatedly crap and I had no idea what was going on.

There was yelling, gender policing and adventure. A dwarf named Thorin wants the Lonely Mountain back. Where are all the women in this film? They’re irrelevant. There are orcs, fights, trolls, swords, spiders and a ghost thing. Elrond lurks and map-reads. There is ethereal choral singing, silly names, stupid comedy and Christopher Lee. There is gibbering about the precious ring and Middle Earth is full of tiny little bridges. No.

Best Lines:
“It began long ago.”

“King under the mountain.”

“That is where they found it.”

“Bad things will follow.”

“A dark and fierce desire.”

“A Hobbit hole.”

“They think you’re becoming odd.”

“Wider not shorter.”

“Can you please not do that?”

“He charged the Goblin ranks.”

“A dark power dwells in there.”

“It is the shadow of an ancient horror.”

“That is not from the world of the living.”

“You have no enemies here.”

“No small degree of charm.”

“I don’t like green food.”

“The Goblin Cleaver.”

“The Foehammer.”

“Moon runes.”

“It will not be ignoring us.”

“A tomb so dark it would never come to light.”

“Something moves in the shadows. Unseen.”

“Did we say so?”

“That could have been worse.”

“Where is our Hobbit?”
Scary Books

Z Nation (2014 - 2018) 1x01-1x03 + And Then There Were None (2015) part 1 Reviewed

Puppies and Kittens
It’s not ‘The Walking Dead’ but zombies are rampaging and a rag tag band of survivors battle to survive. Camp Northern Lights is not only populated by Citizen Z (DJ Qualls). Meanwhile a solider named Mark (Harold Perrineau of ‘Lost’) drags a reluctant vaccine carrier named Murphy across country. There is vomiting, yelling and violence in this man eat man world. The title card is very nice.

There is a mention of ‘The Walking Dead’, bad acting and the survivors have want and uncertainty. The year is 3 AZ namely it is 3 years since the outbreak. Mark has to gets Murphy to a medical lab so a vaccine can be made from his blood. A woman has a henna job that holds up well. There is shouting and a zombie baby. This is made by a studio customarily regarded as trash makers. This is like ‘The Walking Dead’ with a few significant alterations. It’s not po-faced and populated by vile psychos who think they’re better than everyone else and exercise their ‘right’ to kill everyone. Mark gives assurances that Murphy can save the world. There is blood, a hammer attack and a dead star walking. This was okay; I’d like to see more.

Best Lines:
“I give you mercy.”

“I guess I won’t shoot him, yet.”

“Operation Bitemark abandoning location.”

“Down and dead.”

“It’s a real life baby. I haven’t seen one of these in years.”

“I hate moral dilemmas.”

“I will send you to walk among the dead.”

“Says who?”
“Says me!”

~
Fracking Zombies
10k is a sniper who has joined the rag-tag gang of survivors. There is a mention of the Black Summer where survivors starved to death. A biker knows the girl that was saved from the cage in 1x01. The gang head to a refinery to get gas. Meanwhile Citizen Z is menaced by a zombie husky. This was okay, Charlie is the new leader.

Best Lines:
“Level 4 infected.”

“We’re probably the last generation of humans on earth.”

“What happened to your friend?”
“Turns out he had other friends of low morals.”

“I’m not going back. Not alive.”

“You have a finger in your hair.”

~
Philly Feast
Cage girl aka Sunshine aka Cassandra has a past. The Liberty Bell kills zombies whilst rolling down the street. What is the Liberty Bell? Murphy is an ass. Sunshine’s ‘family’ are not nice people. The gang do a rescue mission on the cult of crazies to very familiar music. This was okay and disturbing.”

Best Lines:
“You all had doubts. Even I did.”

“Weasel-breath.”

“I look like a post-apocalyptic stripper.”

“Define rough stuff.”

“Eat or be eaten.”

“Listen scumbag.”

“The person who wants it least wins.”

“Kill away.”

~
And Then There Were None (2015) part 1
This is the beginning of the BBC miniseries based on Agatha Christie’s novel. Burn Gorman, Charles Dance, Sam Neill and Aidan Turner star. This has bizarre opening credits. It is 1939 and people travel to Solider Island at the behest of U.N Owen despite obvious weirdness. There are figurines and sinister foreshadowing. Sam Neill plays a General with a stupid moustache. One wonders how all this was paid for.

Burn Gorman and his ugly face plays a police officer who thinks Lombard (Turner) is a Fenian. A horrid matron is horrid and harangues servants to within an inch of their sanity. Lombard and his Irish accent looms. A coke head drunk driver annoys. A gong is struck for dinner and people will not desist from being awful despite the obvious weirdness. A record plays accusing the awful people of unprovable murders. Cue sinister goings on, classism, deaths and a flashback showing Turner with his shirt open to his waist. This was good.

Best Lines:
“If you’re posh or not.”

“Third-rate girls.”

“These vile rumours should be given credence.”

“This is the peace before the carnage.”

“Choked on his own puke.”

“You terrible, terrible man.”

“Almonds be buggered.”

“Rogers and myself is competent.”

“I am a particular kind of woman.”

“Crumbling old roaks.”

“Hysterical women are so boring.”

“There’s always a next one.”

“There’s something a tad off here.”