December 22nd, 2015

Scary Books

Book Review: After The Funeral

After The Funeral by Agatha Christie
In this post-war novel, a family gather for a rich man’s funeral. His sister voices the opinion that he was murdered and then she herself meets a violent end. Hercule Poirot is summoned to put his resourcefulness to the case. He must sort through baffling family members, people with controlling artistic mania, people with selfishly acquired means, people who resent being resented and finally the febrile truth is exposed by the dissonantly serene Poirot.

This was okay, a tale of the old world struggling to find a modern function. This is in the 2nd tier of Christie novels above such works as ‘The ABC Murders’, ‘And Then There Were None’, ‘The Body In The Library’, ‘A Caribbean Mystery’, ‘Death In The Clouds’, ‘Dumb Witness’, ‘Elephants Can Remember’, ‘Evil Under The Sun’, ‘4:50 From Paddington’, ‘Halloween Party’, ‘The Hound of Death’, ‘The Man In The Brown Suit’, ‘The Mirror Crack’d from Side To Side’, ‘Murder Is Easy’, ‘Murder On The Orient Express’, ‘Nemesis’, ‘Ordeal by Innocence’, ‘The Pale Horse’, ‘Peril at End House’ and ‘Sparkling Cyanide’.

Best Lines:
“The Abernethie girls were not good choosers.”

“I really cannot envisage the hatchet.”

“There, will that content you?”

“Speaking B.B.C.,”

“All this education racket. It gives them ideas.”

“I could have used a pitchfork, sir, and I intended to if necessary.”

“It would underlie the point that it is unwise to make jokes about murder,”

“Altogether too many nuns!”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Joy’ TV spot

‘Aladdin’s Flying Carpet’ ad

‘Indian Summers’ series 2 promo

Lemon curd yogurt - gross.
Toffee & caramel yogurt - okay.
Grapefruit - good.

I will review ‘White Jenna’, ‘She Walks In Shadows’, ‘Madame de Pompadour’, ‘A Mountain Walked’, ‘Indexing: Reflections’, ‘Starbound’ and ‘The Devil’s Ark’.

Recall Girl’s World Head?

‘The Sound of Music Live!’ was horrible.

‘Bear’s Wild Adventure With Barack Obama’ was okay.

The 1983 ‘One Dark Night’ had a cheesy VHS cover.

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Somebody else is the other, and we banish the other.”

“Social critics.”

“Perennial slurs.”

“A passionate defence of his own popularity.”

“Any substantial answer.”

“Emotionally exploitive and sentimental.”

“Brilliantly unsentimental.”

“Light folkloric twinges.”

“Shady and compromised.”

“The rottenness underneath.”

“Pall of grim foreboding.”

“Something absolutely remorseless and absolutely terrifying.”

“Terrifying vortex of hysteria and suspicion.”

“Caustic logic.”

“Burgeoning scepticism.”



“Harmless chump.”

“Public opprobrium.”

“Prague mafia stonewashed jeans.”

“Gravely disappointed.”

“The more you get angry, the less they listen to you anyway.”

“Canapé fatigue!”

“A house trembling row.”

“One minute, two sixtysomethings in paper crowns were discussing fitness routines, the next my uncle was holding my dad up to the wall by his throat.”

“It’s a euphemism for loo-cleaning.”

“Less attractive character traits.”

“An impatience that borders on contempt.”

“Emotional journey.”

“Piquant thought.”

“Stagey and miscast.”

“Stodgy, wooden and unbearably slow.”

“Significant and unjustifiable delays.”

“Social mobilisation.”

“No fruitful discussion.”


“All egomaniacs and eating disorders.”

“Practised indifference.”


“Insanely difficult.”

“Attribute blame.”

“Perplexing behaviour.”

“Urinating into the oven.”

“Visible attrition.”

“A mimetic shambles.”

“Obvious contentment.”

“A loveless Serbian prostitute.”

“Brimming, shining, innocent hope.”

“Such vacancy.”

“Snivelling narcissism.”

“Luscious pastiche.”

“Trumps any sense of caution.”

“Onomatological air.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“How it blows.”

“Acute feminine over-reaction.”

“What doesn’t make you hot?”
“Alcoholic stepfather.”

“Some loon-o.”

“What’s a vagabond?”

“That’s bad too.”

“I’m usually sweating when we talk.”

“We wash the ketchup out of the old onion rings.”

“He might look it up and set us on fire.”

“Snitches lose their stitches.”

“Form a line in order of medication.”

“They don’t react.”

“Your empty souls.”

“Suspicious weddings.”

“Dark door on the back that has no lock.”

“You started out life as a bad decision.”

“Science of ‘Thor’ exhibit.”

‘The Growing Pains of Adrian Mole’ Quotes:
“Barry Kent smuggled two cans of ‘Tartan’ bitter though the fire doors. His gang of six shared them and got leglessly drunk.”

“It was cold and dark and some yobs were throwing chips about in the street.”

“He watches ITV all day.”

“Jesus would have turned in his tomb.”

“The shop was full of sweating men buying women’s underwear.”

‘The Rich Kids Of Instagram’ Quotes:
“I don’t need you as a friend.”

“Lip injections.

“Is this exclusive to Europe?”

‘Evicted At Christmas’ Quote:
“They will not get vacant possession.”
Illya K

7 TV Reviews

Scream Queens 1x09

Ghost Stories
Boone pretends to be a ghost and or Joaquin Phoenix. Nobody has emotional pain over the multiple murders. Boone (Nick Jonas) is irrelevant. Grace is awful. Denise tells ghost stories. There are deaths, the brainless drones run around and Chad is impervious to sense. Hester makes wild claims, Chanel plans murder and the detective spews oft-regurgitated lines. The Dean has no prescriptive guidance and does crow poses. There is another revelation about bathtub mom. Grace is a ball of frustration, Boone gets got and Hester may be dead. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“It’s part of my performance art piece.”

“Listen up hog-faced sluts.”

“Gay camping extravaganza.”

“Get a hot rich husband.”

“I saw the ghost of dead gay Boone!”

“ISIS done broke in my house!”

“I’m going to look for a salad bowl to squat over under the stairwell.”

“That crazy overly dramatic staircase.”

“Causing future events to flow inexorably toward us.”

“The logic’s not that complicated.”

“Her two slightly less bitchy friends.”

“Get pillowcases and shovels.”

“You’re trapped in a web of lies whore!”

“I’ll kill you neckbrace!”

“This had to happen.”

“What happens to hog faced bitches who try to steal hotter Kappa’s boyfriends.”

Person Of Interest 4x10

The Cold War
This episode was good even if the show is no longer engaging and addictive. Finch annoys. The faux lesbo act between Root and Shaw is really irritating. Samaritan does a ‘good’ deed. People rant about AIs. Root has reverence for the machine and there are flashbacks to 1973 that show how Greer went from working for MI6 to being a super-villain shill for vested interests after learning to be sceptical of received wisdom. Greer uses the phrase “blocks” in 1973 which is not a term used in the UK. Also did MI6 have no security?

People babble about search engine security and are corralled by destiny. There is a mention of Pastebin. People pull guns, there is sap and Samaritan’s avatar is a boy who can’t act. Sketchy characters chat. Innocuous statements are made, things enter a frosty period and Shaw heads out.

Best Lines:
“The extra ingredients you enjoy.”

“You’re always watching.”

“I hear your analogy.”

“As if any such thing could exist.”

“All-evil god.”

“For I am a god.”

“Who would have did this?”

Agents of SHIELD 3x10

Fitz won’t shut his mouth even when stuck on an alien world with Ward and an Inhuman god. Hunter backs up Coulson’s moronic choices. There is a Hydra logo on the blue world. This episode and everyone in it was hateful. Coulson is the malady that poisons this show as he bristles and spews bald exaggerations. Hydra and SHIELD collide catastrophically.

This was drab and Coulson’s madness poisons everyday concerns. Will is found or is he? Fitz is a sour presence. The blue world with everything coated in grime and dust bores. This absurdly hyped show is full of unshakable neurosis and nobody has any contradictions, complexities or foibles. Andrew is not dead, Simmons is a tool and does selfish things.

Stuff happens off-screen - has the budget been cut? Coulson is stupid and does prohibitive stupid things. Ward finds his truism, does a monotone speech and spews fatalistic maxims. Malick is absent for most of this ep. Mack is a moron. TBTB try to normalise Coulson’s acts. SHIELD has no appearance of obedience. A ruined city is noticed. Will’s dead. If SHIELD is outside the government then who pays their salaries and fuel bills?

What about the monolith causing Daisy pain? Coulson murders Ward and then dead Ward gets possessed by the ancient energy of the Inhuman god. This seems to have been Malick’s plan all along. Coulson and Fitz are smug over Coulson’s murdering ways. How did zombie Ward get back to Earth?

Best Lines:
“That’s not disturbing at all.”

“Hydra, that’s an old name.”

“Who or what is with him.”

“Depends on what she finds.”

“The entire planet is a wasteland.”

“It caused the desolation.”

The Man From UNCLE 1x22-1x25

The See-Paris-and-Die Affair
Solo menaces a woman, Illya smirks, men steal diamonds and there is excessive singing. Illya fakes being a mugger, Solo puts on a horrendous French accent and calls himself Javert. It looks like Solo is hitting on Illya. There is shrieking, idiot twists and this annoys. This was unpretentious and was not a lavish and nuanced production. Solo is an ass.

Best Lines:
“My sewer.”

“Your nefarious flair for the dramatic.”

“Must you put ketchup and mustard on everything?”

“This grassy snake.”

“Being eloped with.”

“Why, those diabolical Dutchmen.”

“In no way do I represent American foreign policy.”

The Brain-Killer Affair
Mr Waverly keels over - how can they tell? He looks like a bog body anyway. Waverly ends up in a hospital with a sinister doctor (Elsa Lanchester). Solo bothers an innocent, THRUSH has an evil plan and people have THRUSH induced nervy b’s. Solo and Illya don’t sit around discussing socioeconomic power structures. UNCLE’s structure remains mysterious. The walkie talkies are disguised as cigarette packs. Illya is imperilled. Solo tries to kill the evil woman. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Mr Waverly’s down.”

“All those drunks making remarks.”

“Set condition mushroom.”

The Hong Kong Shilling Affair
The duo are in Hong Kong achieving public good. A huge mook (Richard Kiel) lurks. Solo is the human embodiment of grease. There are fights, an innocent du jour and a mention of a telephoto. Illya’s Russian accent varies wildly from scene to scene. Solo behaves badly, no wonder he had retrospective trivialization of his reputation. Why is it UNCLE’s prerogative to involve innocents in the spy life? Illya does a goose impersonation. Solo’s fantasies of life get him captured. Illya wears a disguise and broods in a polo neck. This was not good.

Best Lines:
“Your suffering distresses me but not very much.”

“I believe someone wants to come out.”

“I am waiting for assurance.”

“Yes, I am very confident.”

“I refuse to talk in this debased posture.”

The Never-Never Affair
An UNCLE lackey (Barbara Feldon of ‘Get Smart’) is bored and wants an adventure. Illya looks good in tight black. An evil THRUSH boss (Cesar Romero) plots. There is a misunderstanding, a fake mission, a chase, a shoot out in a cinema and Solo is tied to a chair with his hands behind his back and still manages to shoot the baddie. This was good.

Best Lines:
“You’re a smart Russian.”

“You’re friend looks very lonely out there, Mr Solo.”

“You do not expect me to believe that, so consequently, I will not.”

“Smart American.”