November 17th, 2015

Scary Books

Book Reviews: Elizabeth & Mary + Heir To The Shadows

Elizabeth & Mary by Jane Dunn
This was a good dual biography of the cousins, rivals and queens for whom co-existence was impossible and whose intertwined lives only fed lethal resentment. Elizabeth I was cautious and insecure while her megalomaniac nihilist cousin Mary Queen of Scots was wilful, inept and loved to play the sainted victim. Their lives were bound together by blood, birth and ambition. Mary was insistent on her ‘right’ to Elizabeth’s throne which permanently poisoned all relations they had. Mary’s mad resolve and highly manipulative behaviour toward this end brought her fiery life to an end.

Elizabeth regarded marriage with a near psycho-pathological malady and regarded Mary’s various marriage irregularities and guileless narcissism with disingenuous resolve. In the end Elizabeth’s isolated whining stinginess won out over Mary’s near-diagnosable need to make bad choices. Despite centuries of romantic notions about Mary Queen of Scots, it is obvious her nonchalantly manipulative behaviour made her an object of suspicion from childhood and a study in failure.

Best Lines:
“Her swaggering, homicidal favourite.”

“Will never cease until such time as she has wrecked all the honest men of this realm.”

“Pestiferous faction.”

“By battle let us try it.”

“As if appropriating her throne and threatening her life was on a par with stealing the furnishings.”

“Compromise and obligation were alien concepts to a princess raised in the French court of Henri II.”

“Never one to pull his punches or choose a discreet word when a dozen rabble-rousing ones would do.”

“Chronically dour and cautious.”

“Impervious self-righteousness.”

“She ought to beware how she dallies with God.”

“Importune me no more.”

“There were increasing rumours of a great Spanish fleet in the making.”

Heir To The Shadows: Book 2 Of The Black Jewels Trilogy by Anne Bishop
This bloated 1999 novel bores. Lucivar is incrementally stupid. Daemon goes mad because his family members are horrible awful people. Who are Kara and Roxie? Jaenelle grows to adulthood and does nothing. Why do mystical millennia old creatures speak like Valley Girls from the 80s? Why does Saetan keep calling Jaenelle the daughter of his soul? Why is everyone always crying, yapping or acting like they have neuro-degeneration? Unicorns get angry. Jaenelle finally decides to get off her ass and step up just as the novel ends. This is a ridiculous novel about evil floaty fashion bimbos, gross titillations, humid horror and harkens back to some idyllic pre-industrial past that never was. This has no folkloric feel just malignant action, impropriety and an ephemeral lack of conviction, conflict and animus. This reads like it was written by a dubious talent and leaves an unpleasant aftertaste.

Best Line:
“To each will come what he gave.”

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D 3x05 + London Spy 1x02 + Scream Queens 1x04 Reviewed

7,722 Hours
This is the tale of Simmons 6 months on the alien planet. There is lots of blue filter and Simmons hideous waxy curls. This was dishonest and contrived. Simmons is not deeply miserable at her exile; this show has been a howling disappointment. Fitz is a complete prat. A malevolent presence lurks on the planet. Simmons has huffy bewilderment at her situation. Simmons drank alien planet water and ate an alien creature and didn’t die. Oddly alien water and food isn’t toxic. Simmons chews the furniture rather decently in this ep full of sulphurous cobblers that rips off ‘The Martian’.

Simmons doesn’t look hungry, thirsty or dirty. Her teeth and skin hold up just fine. Why does her phone hold up? Is there bamboo on the alien world? The perceived malevolence planet being lurks. Simmons meets a stranded astronaut named Will who has been stuck there since 2001 and has frightening inactivity. Fitz plagues Simmons. As for Simmons, she feels genuine warmth for Will. What is the thing on the planet? I bet Fitz will leave Will to die cos he just assumed Simmons will shag him. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“There has to be a sunrise eventually.”

“Where’s the sun?”

“You’re dinner!”

“What do you think is out there?”

“Planet’s cannot be evil.”

“That’s a bad place.”

“Don’t trust it!”

London Spy 1x02
Danny does weird inexplicable stuff and tries to tell the truth. His odd dislocated behaviour and lack of absolute gutted-ness get him shamed in the press. I am tried of the showing-of-ness of this show. People have a casual attitude to Alex’s death. Danny’s concerns are nearly always imperiously dismissed. People are ethically lazy, openly hostile and he is subjected to authoritarian silencing manoeuvres. This ep is blandly discouraging. Angry exchanges produce creeping malaise. This show has no significant possibility of improvement.

Alex has been dismissed as a dead sadistic, violent, raging pervert with a detached aloof persona. Danny has an intense unnerving dislikeability. This was crapulous with deliberately opaque framing and a hostile atmosphere. Danny has found a strange device. Danny meets weird people and Alex’s parents. His mother (Charlotte Rampling) mutters about sexpionage and lies. Alex came from money; Danny gets warned off a lot and won’t listen. I think I’m done.

Best Lines:
“They lie well.”


“Rotting in squalor and neglect.”

“Mourn in the belief that your relationship was perfect.”

“No fuss.”

“He was playing a part.”


“Your muscles can’t lie.”

“Get as far away from these people as you can.”

“Your insignificance.”

Haunted House
There is a mention of ‘The Cosby Mysteries’. Complete prats Grace and Pete look up a 1995 Kappa student named Mandy. This ep leaves you unfulfilled and bilious. Nobody acts like there was a chainsaw attack recently. Mandy talks about the cover-up ordered in the pre-ipad year of 1995. The Kappa baby was a girl and Grace thinks it was her. Chanel and her glue-on acrylics do stuff. Nobody is disquieted by recent murders or the discovery of all the dead bodies in the haunted house.

Silence was imposed on the events of 1995. What became of the baby? Who was the father? Why is this show so bad? Nobody exudes ineffable panache just pure munificence. What is the Red Devil’s specific intention? Where is Boone? This show is massively counter-productive. Chanel no 6 plots. Chanel nos 3&5 bore. There are hints about the baby and a local hag. This was terrible.

Best Lines:
“I went shopping with my comatose grandmother’s credit card.”

“Ain’t no hag in a house on Shady Lane.”

“You are so devastatingly mediocre.”

“A risible notion.”

“I will avenge your face stabbing.”

“Stuck up little sociopath.”

“I want everything Chanel has.”

“Drown in her attention pond.”

“Are you on bath salts?”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Fungus The Bogeyman’ promo

‘The Terminal’ (2004) promo

‘Casino’ (1995) promo
No silken charisma.

Enough’ (2002) promo
I feel a pathological resistance to this.

I may review ‘Black Rock’.

I am reading ‘The Sudden Departure of the Frasers’.

Dear house guests: stop obsessing over wineglasses and stop frying your nausea inducing foul liver and bacon. Stop taking for granted that the dishwasher will be done and if you’ve broken said dishwasher, you’ll be sorry. You lie in bed, you whine, you burn the grill and tell us what to do. LEAVE!

‘Jezebel’ Quote:
“How a housemate’s jealous boyfriend had a psychotic break with reality and came after Strauss with an axe.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“The proscenium arch.”

“I tried to get onto one of his sets and was thrown off by an assistant director.”

“The carrot was known as the devil’s vegetable.”

“Idealised visions.”

“More opaque, more indecipherable.”

“A moral equivalence.”

“What that is remains enigmatic.”

“Cataclysmic expectoration.”

“Frighteningly cold.”

“Like a menace.”

“Car-mad cow.”

“Student gig personas.”

“Spends too much time camply admiring its own cool atmosphere.”

“The whole filthy tribe of sycophantic bastards connected with this bogus rubbish.”

“Surprising frailties.”

“Flying plates of breakfast food.”

“Wretchedness of their situation.”

“False consensus.”

“Appalled admiration.”

“Overblown symbolism.”

“Salty exuberance.”

“Punishing, authoritative, demanding and judging.”

“Throat-tightening crap name.

“Rather unnecessarily.”

“I just growl and they go away.”

“Spectacularly ugly.”

“Post coital tristesse.”

“I am unfit for any and all paying jobs.”

“Insufferably arrogant.”

‘Sunday Independent’ Quotes:
“Insists on wading into danger and danger delivers.”

“Shrieked accusations.”

“Had to lock herself into a cupboard to avoid the bottles he threw at her and the excrement he pulled out of his underwear and threw at her.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“We will no longer have to wear attic clothes.”

“Charred and moist.”

“Thank goodness for your selfish choices.”

“Kill it, chill it, grill it.”

“A eat down.”

“Master prison chef.”

“Side dish impossible.”

“Buy my cookware!”

“You were right greasy hobo.”

“Never care again.”

“Expensive cash.”

“Quitting in yoga pants.”

“Garlic sucking tunnel trash.”

“Dead meat doesn’t lie.”

“I’m covered in death.”

“They suck so hard!”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Disastrous invasion.”

“Greed and fraud.”

“Impugn my integrity.”

“Sought to match her aggression.”

“Entirely appropriate.”

“Cool calculation.”

“Uncompromisingly lethal.”

“Sacrifice for significance.”

“Unappealing and unsuccessful.”

“Discernible method.”

“We are not sending people back to the time of the carrier pigeon.”

“The punch lines are punching back.”

“People who have been legitimately harmed.”

“Vast, multifarious crowd.”

“The earth is their toy chest.”

“Treating them like dangerous interlopers.”

“The screaming and shoving.”

“Frivolous whiners.”

“Obviously intoxicated.”

“Sexual misconduct was blatant.”

“A deluge of filth.”

“The morality gap.”

“Blatant sexual misbehaviour.”

“Most visible agent of that backlash.”

“Mass pop art so imperishable that it cannot be dimmed by cheap nostalgia and endless repetition.”

“That didn’t involve being like your parents.”


“Provocatively expressed their dissatisfaction.”


“Reset pop culture’s polarity to positive.”

“Absolute aloofness to old prejudices and preconceptions.”

“Festive iconoclasm.”

“Assertive and visible.”

“One generation does not understand or refuses to try to understand the one behind it.”

“This era has consistently been denigrated.”

“Dismissed by various pundits and historians.”

“Smearing the past with the values of the present.”

“The vicissitudes of sharing daily living with another human being.”

“A needy, insecure man with delusional tendencies.”

“Fairly dim.”

‘The Observer’ Quotes:
“Didn’t photograph identically.”

“To kill the crabs groupies lay on them.”

“Dubious quotes.”

‘Modern Family’ Quotes:
“Human beings are basically terrible.”

“A stitch or two at urgent care.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Cleo tells Harry about Pete. The McQueens wear hideous wedding clothes. All the women have what look like pot scrubbers on their heads. Harry is all belligerence. Is this supposed to redeem him for ruining John-Paul’s career? Where is Matthew during all this? Pete and Reenie marry in the pub. Oh classy. Pete is vile and lists off all the dead McQueens (except Neil) to make himself look good. Porsche is at the wedding. Harry bursts in with a casually disparaging attitude about Pete. Harry cannot act.