November 5th, 2015

Scary Books

Book Reviews: The Madness Of Cthulhu Volume Two + Failure Of Moonlight + Supernatural Season 1

The Madness Of Cthulhu Volume Two edited by S.T. Joshi

20,000 Years Under The Sea
A tale of Captain Nemo and his simmering resentment v Cthulhu. This is a pulp tale that is not conveyed eloquently and has no retention of interest.

Tsathoggua’s Breath
The uneasy harmony of a colony is disturbed. So some randomer heads off to be a hero. This panders to paranoia and it turgid and hopelessly misjudged. This is written with a dazzling laxity of sense.

The Door Beneath
A tale of scientists who prod at a maliciously aware thing. This was okay but the ending is tasteless and there is no grit or soul.

Best Line:
“Ferociously hued oculars.”

Dead Man Walking
A ridiculous story etched with comic book menace.

A Crazy Mistake
A film researcher looks up old religions and goes gaga due to such excrescences. So she will never be taken seriously as an intellectual. This was ridiculous.

Best Line:
“It’s mis-thinking.”

The Anatomy Lesson
A silly tale of medical students and ghouls.

Best Line:
“Touched by the Unbegotten One.”

The Hollow Sky
A sequel to ‘At The Mountains Of Madness’. It’s about the ozone layer and monsters and is contrived.

The Last Ones
A man comes to a small town in Wales and largely ignores all obvious hints of doom. This causes general disengagement.

Best Lines:
“The betrayed past.”

“Vast dark legions of them.”

A Footnote In The Black Budget
Lacks charm or wit and is almost furiously inarticulate and isn’t at all unsettling.

Deep Fracture
A husband guilty of anti-social behaviour is cold and distant and then bad things happen. Is not precisely observed and has no tangible effect.

The Dream Stones
College students form a grave and dangerous cult. Okay.

Best Line:
“None of the deaths were my fault.”

The Blood In My Mouth
By Laird Barron. A man discovers his girlfriend’s detrimental secrets. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Violent apathy.”

“Voyager broadcasting its dinner bell wasn’t the brightest idea mankind ever had.”

On The Shores Of Destruction
Beware hippies! Okay.

Object 00922UU
A tale of far future and people with no social obligations. Has no tragic irony.

~
Failure Of Moonlight by Rosemary Edghill
A dull collection of short stories about rancorous witch Bast.

Advice From A Young Witch To An Old Priestess
This sours the mood as Bast becomes a witch and lectures about the ability to align oneself with the sacred and her own exceptionality. This is complete mundanity.

The Iron Bride
Bast finds a murderer in strongly opinionated fashion. Bast has suppressed hatred for everyone.

A Winter’s Tale
A good tale of a magic shop and a monkey’s paw.

Best Line:
“To help him stare at the items in disbelief.”

Burden Of Guilt
Murder at a pagan convention. Bast is demanding but not avuncular or reliable as she faces down troublemakers and crazies. This leaves you unhappy and dissatisfied.

Best Line:
“Post-death personality survivals.”

The Christmas Witch
A ridiculous kid’s story.

Best Line:
“That is not our way.”

~
Supernatural: The Official Companion Season 1 by Nicholas Knight
A tie-in to the TV show, it’s a rigorous puff piece and does not focus on the grim emotional isolation.
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and two 2005 Tape Tales

‘The Flash’ 2x06 promo
The emotionally lazy Barry, Dr Light, Zoom, Linda and thought terminating clichés. Mmmm.

‘The Lady In The Van’ TV spot
No.

‘Mad City’ (1997) promo
No.

‘The Patriot’ (2000) promo
No.

‘S1m0ne’ (2002) promo
No.

Gluten free bagels - ugh.
Guinness - disgusting.

Dear house guests: you hogged my fondue pot, bought a cake you know I can’t eat and lie in bed moaning, shouting and drinking. Stop going on about your ‘hopeless’ life and leave. Stop playing on your ipad and breathing like a sex offender.

Anyone recall the old sitcom 'Evening Shade'?

‘We Will All Go Down Together’ Quote:
“Increasingly threatening trees.”

‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ Quotes:
“Nobody judges you on the floor of a bus station.”

“Our house is broken.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“If I ate a banana, it could kill me.”

“Outrage season.”

“Go out of their way to be offended.”

“Highly suggestive.”

“Delay, dithering.”

“Dud lines.”

“Slowing to savour the profundity of his next three words.”

“Undergraduate wit.”

“He was allergic to doors.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“I was irritated that their ambitions were so low.”

“She was taught what to do if her knickers fell down in public.”

“Seemingly impossible demands.”

“If you ask how much it costs, you can’t afford to eat here.”

“You greedy wazzock.”

“Look at his simple face and horrible shirt.”

“Magnanimous.”

“Unforgivable decency.”

“Comparative avarice.”

“He may as well have eaten the money and then vomited it up on an orphan’s tea.”

“Ethylene gas.”

“I want to dress French.”

“Axial symmetry.”

“Candy-coloured decoys.”

“Approved choice of haircuts.”

“Women who don’t exist only to interact with men.”

“Who gets to speak and why, is the only question.”

“Fervid, intellectually arousing crush.”

“European style staging.”

“Manipulate all the events.”

“Too much and it’s your great aunt’s bubble bath.”

“Nefarious seagull.”

“Rancid Bovril.”

“Largely servile media.”

“White models often caked in makeup with big Barbie-doll hair.”

“Trend-and-irony free.”

“General provocateur.”

“A right to my power.”

“Gradually graduated.”

“Sado-monetarism.”

“Largely escapes negative media attention.”

“Important critical debate doesn’t happen as openly as it should.”

“Piss on pity.”

“Sleek dinner party soul.”

“Purveyor of elegant tearjerkers.”

“Aural mojito.”

“Loading every extended note with empathy.”

“Damaging depiction.”

“However well intentioned.”

“Pitiable, tragic stereotypes.”

“Locked herself in the car (it took the AA to get her out).”

~
Cleared out two 2005 tapes. Tape 1 began with a  silly ‘Veronica Mars’ ep ‘Donut Run’ in which Duncan kidnaps dead Meg’s baby and runs off with it. Somehow he couldn’t get custody of his own child. Veronica smugs about how smart she is. Vinnie lurks. Dick is dumb. Lucy Lawless is stunt cast. Duncan and Veronica plot. Keith does badly acted whining and got over it real quick. Duncan wears a stupid disguise. Then there was a dull ‘Surface’ ep which was ‘Episode 13’ in which people are anti-sea creature. The title card is bad. People talk at each other. Ian Anthony Dale menaces Martha Plimpton and then there is a flower, an old film and a revelation. Then came an unwatchable season 1 ‘Supernatural’ ep ‘Asylum’ in which there are outdated phones and Sam acts like a jackass, again. Then came another unwatchable ‘Supernatural’ ep ‘Home’ in which a family have moved into the Winchester’s old house and are in peril. Sam and an annoying psychic (Loretta Devine) mock Dean for no apparent reason. John is a bad dad.

Tape 2 began with a ‘Battlestar Galactica’ ep ‘The Pegasus’ in which the Battlestar Pegasus is met. Admiral Helena Cain is icy, bad wigs are worn and we’re meant to care about an imprisoned 6 and her limitless pain. Oh boo. Then came a ‘Stargate Atlantis’ ep 'The Lost Boys' in which the gang of morons encounter Ford and stupid wraith. This bored.

Then came a ‘Surface’ ep ‘Episode 1’ in which there are shooting stars, a submarine crew vanish and Leighton Meester plays a bitch. The submarine crew was never explained. Miles has an emotionally abusive family and finds an egg. Lake Bell’s dive goes awry. There are intriguing characters that’d be killed off later. A giant tooth is shown off. This was dull. There are hints at Lovecraft like aliens, a plot which was later dropped.

Best Line:
“It is as if it just fell from the sky.”

Then came another ‘Surface’ ep ‘Episode 2’ in which the Cape of Good Hope lighthouse is destroyed. Miles bores. Lake Bell does B&E. A dude has visions of his missing brother, another plot that was dropped. Bogans get eaten by a sea monster. This was dull.

Best Line:
“Sorry about the creepy dead hackfish and the felony trespassing.”
Hawkeye

The Flash 2x04 + Arrow 4x04 + The Invaders (1995) Reviewed

The Fury Of Firestorm
Snow spews technobabble. Now Ronnie is deaded, he needs a new boytoy. Lying Barry is a jerk. Joe is unanimously wrong and committed a serious betrayal of trust. Patty goes on about a man-shark. Does anyone recall Eddie? Where is Joe? Stein (Victor Garber) bores. Earth 2 Wells wanders around unnoticed save by Tina (Amanda Pays).

Jax is self sacrificing and awe inspiring. Iris meets her mindless tart mother and doesn’t want to know. Snow wears too much makeup and dismisses Jax so she fawns over Henry in classist fashion. There is more ‘Legends of Tomorrow’ setup. Has Snow quit Mercury Labs? There is no emotional investment in this ep. Henry has over the top fury.

Barry has all the appeal of a tired aunt. Joe lies more. Joe’s ex is dying. Cisco is a burk and has firmly negative attitudes. Snow is brazen and un-apologetically awful. This is an angry, empty and ill-used ep that does not uplift and enrich. Is Ronnie alive on Earth 2? I’m sure he is. There is bad acting. Stein goes into rapid oxidation - shouldn’t he be dead? Where is his wife? This ep goes wrong, very wrong. Iris claims to be a reporter and learns a family secret. Henry is locked up. King Shark attacks. Barry is a thankless ass.

Best Lines:
“Gene rearrangement mutation.”

“The firestorm matrix.”

“The genetic locus.”

“You need to stop.”

“I know how to take a hit.”

“Second chances waiting to be seized.”

~
Beyond Redemption
What is ESU? Laurel keeps Sara’s revival a secret from Oliver but not her father. Oliver runs for mayor which is laughable. Felicity talks in a baby voice. Oliver shows off his new lab that STAR labs built. Lance is indignant. Oliver has no charismatic authority or advantage. Felicity is stupid. Ray is unheard. No one recalls Lance’s bad heart. Thea looks up a former drug dealer. In flashbacks Oliver is dumb.

Laurel shows off her canary cry. Oliver’s big plan is not a de-stresser. Felicity needs to go and go soon. Liza (Rutina Wesley of ‘True Blood’) is an altruistically bad cop. Star City is dying. Felicity is unmanageably annoying. Lance and Damien talk about Sara. Damien has a child? Oliver whines about Lance having contempt for him. I hate Oliver and how he has forgotten Tommy.

Lance has a complicit look, cries and is irascible. Oliver is less reverential. Like anyone cares. Sara has amnestic gaps. The bad cops hit the contraband disposal facility. Lance’s lifelong dislike of Oliver persists unabated. Oliver just won’t admit when he’s wrong. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“I don’t need Oliver’s judgment.”

“Do not eat the red berries.”

“This isn’t back Laurel.”

“This isn’t my daughter.”

“Finding out what kind of man you really are.”

“Something very cold inside of you.”

~
The Invaders (1995)
A horrible miniseries based on the 1967-1968 TV show. This boring, incoherent mess stars Scott Bakula, Richard Thomas, Terrence Knox, Richard Belzer, Roy Thinnes and Channon Roe.
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Hanger 18 + 4 others

Hanger 18 (1980)
On October 25th, a large metallic object crashed in the Arizona desert. The government is concealing a UFO and the bodies of alien astronauts. Why won’t they tell us?

Darren McGavin, Robert Vaughn and Pamela Bellwood star in this dated looking dull movie that displays all the infelicities of the genre. This has a horrible synth score, hints of ancient astronauts and a memorable ending. A shuttle that looks like a toy flies with three men on board and launches a satellite. No women seem to work at NASA. A UFO interrupts the launch, the satellite hits the UFO causing one astronaut to be decapitated and the UFO to crash. The slimy POTUS advisor (Vaughn) orders a cover up.

People seem to shrug off an astronaut dying in space. The days before Challenger and Colombia. The two surviving astronauts are blamed for wrecking the satellite and killing their co-worker. The UFO is hushed up so the POTUS can be re-elected. Nobody has any sense of wonder. The astronauts refuse to hide in a flame trench and go investigate what is going on.

Meanwhile scientists explore the UFO that looks like a dried turd with blinking lights stuck on it. This is very, very slow. They find film of Earth newscasts and a captive animal and a human on board. The alien abductee is rushed to hospital but wakes up screaming in the ambulance in a creepy moment. The director of this film went on to direct the ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’ episode ‘Little Green Men’.

The scientists translate the alien language and learn all modern knowledge and thought is down to the aliens more or less establishing a seed colony on Earth. Cue spoiled idealism. The two astronauts ignore their dead colleague to run around without being recognised. The interior of the UFO looks like a German sex dungeon and the two dead aliens inside look very human. This all leads to the memorable ending but getting there is a bit of a dull chore. This film is best viewed through nostalgia goggles.

Best Lines:
“Not unless a meteor can make a u-turn.”

“Call NORAD.”

“This is a scramble.”

“We have a flying saucer in our possession.”

“Some joke.”

“An alien spacecraft parked in a NASA facility.”

“This is stupid.”

“I don’t like it, it’s scary.”

“Question: how do we open it?”
“Another question: do we want to?”

“Yes. We, mankind, the human race, are their children!”

“There it is and there it goes.”

“Compute the area of impact.”

“Is she still alive?”
“Barely.”

“Ain’t got no car.”

~
Challenger (1990)
This is an okay TV movie about the Challenger disaster. Karen Allen, Barry Bostwick, Joe Morton, Angela Bassett and Peter Boyle star.

Annie (1982)
Terrible.

Pretty Woman (1990)
Inept.

Empire Of The Sun (1987)
No.