October 25th, 2015

Pretty Smart

Reign 2x14 +The Last Kingdom 1x01 + The Leftovers 1x03 - 1x05 + Once Upon A Time 4x22&4x23 Reviewed

The End Of The Morning
Kenna behaves disgracefully. One of Mary’s Guise uncles finally resurfaces. Mary has persistent negative commentary. Catherine spews out damning accusations. Henri had trusted first valets? Really? Where are all the servants? Catherine is courted. Greer is in an inn caring nothing for her husband and stepchildren. She’s not sanguine and becomes a madam. Francis starts attributing blame. I don’t care about Mary’s liaisons with Conde. Francis is awful and non-reassuring. There is ass pull plotting and bad blood. Bash spews semiotics. The King of Navarre and Narcisse plot. I feel a cessation of interest. Francis returns to Lola. Kenna bores. This was not enrapturing.

Best Lines:
“Find a hobby or a whore.”

“Managed to install themselves in your court.”

“Their line has been aiming for the throne for generations.”

“Why she hasn’t assassinated them when they’re here at court is a mystery to me.”

“My family, not yours.”

“Look what survived the plague.”

“Speak to the whore next door.”

“Told everyone I serviced a leper.”

“Serving strawberries and snow.”

“Stained by the crimes of the dead.”

“No cash, no bird.”

“Died betrayed.”

The Last Kingdom (2015 - ?) 1x01
This BBC2 drama is set in AD866 and shows how the life of a Saxon boy is turned upside down by his father’s defeat in the Danish invasion of York. This has okay opening credits and is based on Bernard Cornwell’s novels. A priest (Ian Hart) risk assesses. The stupid son runs around. There is plotting and a Vikings v Saxons battle. The stupid son is captured by victorious Danes. His father is dead so the stupid son and a young girl are taken as slaves by a Dane. This was not of interest and I cared not for the stupid boy’s sorrowful back-story.

The dangerously unstable Danes have a great capacity for brutality. This was ill-conceived. Years pass and the stupid son is now a man and his uncle stole his inheritance. The priest lingers and King Alfred is mentioned. There is fire, fighting and big name stars die as the man’s Danish owner gets got. This was not real or relatable, even to cultural theorists. Any sense of order has collapsed and there is sporadic scowling, implausible group dynamics, terrible decisions, hair extensions and hideous self-interest. This series covers the first 2 novels but I’m done - there is no creepy dread just mud and underwear models trying to act.

Best Lines:
“They come as Vikings. We go.”

“There are pagans there.”

“Every man must be prepared to die.”

“Forests alive with meat.”

“He is king of nothing.”

“Drink it. Lots of it.”

“He has offended me.”

“A puppet king for his Danish masters.”

“I’ll have your ball bag for a purse.”

“I need to kill someone.”

“I shall take what is mine.”

Two Boats and a Helicopter
Matt (Christopher Eccleston doing a weird accent) has righteous anger. He gets beat up in his church in an eminently foreseeable fashion due to his belligerent newsletters. No dangerous pathos is invoked. Kevin and Matt were once friends. Matt does a surreptitious baptism and refuses to believe it was the Rapture. Some accept his intellectual arrogance and ill informed obfuscation. This has bad acting and is devoid of any distinctive character. Bizarre new businesses have sprung up in the wake of the event. Matt has a comatose wife. Laurie and the GR lurk and are awful. This ep was wholly valueless.

Best Lines:
“Stop pissing people off.”

“People need to punch you in the face.”

B.J. and the A.C.
It’s Christmas. How do the GR have so much money? What do they want? Why don’t they text? Jill and her sexed up friend annoy. The baby Jesus is stolen. Kevin is orange with huge eyebrows and enormous tattoos. Christine is pregnant. Tom isn’t Kevin’s son. Laurie wants a divorce. Dialogue is mumbled. Jill gives Laurie a lighter for Christmas which Laurie (who has nail polish on) throws down a drain. The GR do more nefarious crap.

Best Lines:
“You walk over the dead.”

“Stop copping me.”

The GR are awful so no one has any great dismay or sadness when one of them is killed. What is the GR’s overarching point? There is no co-existence and dialogue just divisive acts. No understanding, acceptance or cultural engagement is possible due to the GR’s non-compliance with caring. This ep was unwieldy and this show is a criminal folly. Aimee the sexed up friend obviously fancies Kevin. This was not cohesive. The ATF has changed into the ATEC (explosives and cults have been added).

There is no deep sorrow for the GR due to their devastating betrayals of trust and unsatisfactory and substandard acts. It is impossible to be effusively positive about this show. It induces no tinges of melancholy or climates of fear. I’m tired of the GR and their agitation and lack of self-reflection. They are proud and unruly. Meg is deeply hostile. Unfulfilled vendettas and long held frustrations fester. The GR does more shameful and wretched behaviour.

This was not delicately handled. The GR head is peerlessly, unparalleled crazy and she is an extraordinary manipulator. This show is in a calamitous downward spiral. There is no determination, passion or commitment. Jill the over indulged spoilt brat needs a slap as she is so clumsy and bland. This is only occasionally coherent.

Best Lines:
“She wouldn’t have cried for me.”

“Don’t investigate too hard.”

“Doesn’t really do okay.”

“”They will retaliate.”

“Doubt is fire!”

“What happens is, they go away.”

Operation Mongoose 1&2
This season was a misfire with the total narrative irrelevance of Anna and Elsa. No to mention the Snow Queen, the author, Zelena and Cruella mattering little. This was all padding and Emma becoming the new Dark One. I’m done with this show, again.
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Jessica Jones’ trailer
A PI, Purple Man and mind control. Looks dark and creepy.

Best Lines:
“Booze costs money. Usually.”

“What he made me do.”

‘The X Files’ trailer
Mulder isn’t a fox anymore.

‘Jobs’ trailer

‘Cordon’ opening credits

‘Field of Dreams’ (1989) promo

Gluten free lemon tartlet - yum.
Sea salt choc - yum.
Strawberry flavour chew - nice.
Smoked butter - no.
Pumpkin spice latte - no.
Raspberry & Milk flavour chewy lolly - good.
Strawberry & Cream chewy lolly - okay.
Gluten free cinnamon tartlet - good.

I won’t read ‘The Martian’, ‘Sight Unseen’, ‘Little Sister Death’ or ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ 10x20.

I will review ‘The Traitor’ and ‘The Secrets of Drearcliff Grange School’.

Remember ‘Knightmare’ or MTV‘s ‘Fear‘?

Dear unwanted houseguests: thank you for insulting me to my face. You eat and drink constantly and make a mess you fail to clean up. Stop moving plates.

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Poor doors.”

“So irritated by inaccuracies.”

“Precise, unfussy.”

“Without offending the Texan’s sense of morality.”

“Earned release.”

“The aggrieved and the rejected.”

“Intensely opposed.”



“Unpredictable and dangerous.”

“Appalling state of upheaval.”

“Pure atavism.”

“Intractable rivalries.”

“Intense and wide-ranging.”

“Frankly terrifying.”

“A history of amoral, elite good tastes, something which appears to be becoming ever more inescapable as the lifestyle of the rich flies off into places ever more distant from that of the majority.”

“Shamelessly elitist, wilfully sinister, hierarchical, classical, it’s apparent minimalism belied by an obsession with the finest possible material and the severest cut.”

“Laughing, more like it.”

“Things to stay away from.”

“Oh my god, this is not good.”

“Working out how he liked his food cooked (burned, basically)”

“I just didn’t know if it was authentic or not.”

“Thrilling Cities.”

“Baffling plot convolutions.”

“General aversion to subtlety.”

“Show him a precious cultural site and he will most likely drive a car or a motorbike or a tank through it.”

“Ardent gaze.”

“Funk syncopation.”

“Faintly baffling.”

“Landfill indie.”

“Place it.”


“False metal.”

“Scary-macho tics.”

“Utterly destroyed by their delusional addictive dreams.”

“Papal presence of menace.”

“Unembarrassable, uninterruptible and impervious to mockery.”

“Slightly pious deal.”

“Presumptuous and intrusive and inappropriate.”

“Spending my time wiping his pee off the floor.”

“Understandable rage.”

“A lazy, armpit waft of a man.”

“A jarringly bleak outcome.”

“Jeopardy was no-existent.”

“Inessential album.”

“Honest Joe performance.”

“Talismanic life essence.”

“Wonderfully melancholic mode.”

“Resolutely downbeat.”

“Inner rage and conviction.”

“Shambling, mumbling figure in hippy gear.”

“Utterly ghastly confrontation.”

“Medieval bombast.”

“Searching for redeeming features.”

“A sulky recluse famous for not answering telephones or disclosing his whereabouts.”

“Subtle instantiation.”

“Scared of the ocean? Get in that ocean!”

“Egregiously improbable.”

“No internal coherence.”

“Self-satisfied anti-intellectualism.”

“Genuine hostility to academic inquiry.”

“Stonily inert.”

“Phantasmagoric elements.”

“Blatant misfires.”

“Verbal glue-traps.”

“The discovery of letters to Strike, thoughtlessly filed under ‘Nutter’,”

“Very, very proud.”

“Sugary existentialism.”

“How ruinous expectation can be.”

“That is so accusatory.”

“Sex haze.”

“Who has not expressed hostility to the idea.”

“Emotional stability.”

“Tattoo flu.”

“Cold, unloving, rubber-insulated sex.”

‘FTWeeked’ Quotes:
“Defensive, abrasive, smug.”

“This prison is like a really rubbish boarding school that you can’t leave.”

“Indubitable truth.”

“Plots strands dangle, protean and promising, and are never quite resolved.”

“What promises to be a Jacobean pile-up of corpses but isn’t.”

“Strategic silence.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Lindsey’s reveal as the GHK shines a new and unpleasant light her ‘misdiagnosis’ of baby Katy. Is baby Katy’s death attributable to psycho Lindsey too? After all she tried to kill Kath. It explains how she ditched Joe and her baby so easily. Lindsey is cray-cray. The pub’s irritating new owners arrive. Lindsey and Kim stash hypnotoad’s corpse in Trevor’s van. Trevor is busted for hypnotoad’s murder. Charles and hypnotoad are gone from the opening credits.

Movie Reviews: The Martian + Liar, Liar, Vampire + 2 others

The Martian (2015)
This is a good film based on a terrible self-published novel. Matt Damon stars as an astronaut stranded on Mars when the Ares III mission is abandoned due to a dust storm. Damon’s character Mark is a loud, obnoxious jerk. NASA can’t quite save the day and need the help of the Chinese. Mark grows potatoes on Mars which are fertilized by poo. He also drives around in a rover, digs up a relic and is insufferably smug and insults Neil Armstrong. This has lots of 70s music which can’t quite cover up Mark's distinct lack of gratitude. Mars and the beautiful Hermes spaceship look good but the fearsomeness of space isn’t that well conveyed.

Liar, Liar, Vampire (2015)
This Nick TV movie spoofs ‘Twilight’. Scrotum faced Davis moves to a new town and fancies the hot girl while overlooking the emo girl next door. People think Davis is a vampire because through a random set of circumstances - he sparkles. Davis gets the hot girl but they are actually a hateful, dysfunctional pairing without a plausible set of emotions. This okay film has not one truly emotional moment. There is also no dramatic tension whatsoever. Jeopardy is non-existent and this was un-challenging. People have Borat-like ignorance about everything. The all-purpose loser Davis becomes a jerk. An un-serious vampire hunter shows up. Lies and shaming take place.

Best Lines:
“Make a mockery of my school’s social order.”

“Constipated model.”

“Nasty smelly thing from beyond.”

“Who are you?”
“I’m new.”

“You’re just high school arm candy.”

“Were you Rocket Raccoon at your last school?”

“I have seen the movie ‘Van Helsing’ 47 times! And I HATED that movie!”

The Fifth Element (1997)

Angela’s Ashes (1999)