October 20th, 2015

Scary Books

The Blacklist #3 Reviewed

There are hints of Liz/Red and Liz/Ressler. The weirdly omnipotent baddie plots, Red looms and the FBI run around utilising Hollywood tactics. What did the FBI do to Red? There is death, a prison van break, Liz is incidental decoration and this was okay. Sadly that is mostly due to collective nostalgia for the glory days of season 1.

Best Lines:
“Why was the FBI suddenly catching criminals they’d never caught before? Criminals they shouldn’t know existed?”

“I needed to piss for the last thirty miles.”
  • Current Music
    Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
  • Tags
To Light The Way To Bed

Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D 3x01 + NCIS: New Orleans (2014 - ?) 1x01 + Person Of interest 4x02 Reviewed

Laws Of Nature
Inhumans spread and public perception is not good. Daisy and her whore clothes feels she has the right to attack people. She and SHIELD go around imposing their will. How do SHIELD have fuel and money? Perpetual problem Coulson annoys. Joey the Inhuman du jour is maltreated. The POTUS (William Sadler) has no time for Inhumans. Mockingbird is smug faced and horrible. Coulson waves around his fake hand. Mack looms being a nasty anti-Inhuman bigot.

There is a mention of the events of ‘Age of Ultron’ and ‘Ant-Man’. The monolith is kept behind a bit of glass. Fitz’s brain damage has just gone away apparently. Fitz dresses and acts like a bar chef. Who cares about him or Hunter or Mockingbird? Lincoln is asked to help. Rosalind does stuff and is an interesting new character who runs an anti-alien task force named ATCU. Coulson is a smug moron. A monster lurks. Hunter and Mockingbird plan to look for Ward. This was okay. Fitz acts like a loon presumably so he can get Simmons back and she’ll finally have sex with him. As for Simmons, she’s trapped on what looks like the planet from ‘Avatar’.

Best Lines:
“Use lethal force if necessary.”

“I take that back!”

“A bio-morphic event.”

“I’m not a freaking TED talk.”

“Eerily silent.”

“My life is in ruins.”

“Great master of melodrama.”

“This secret, the world’s not ready to hear.”

Musician Heal Thyself
The mothership show has become a caricature and the ‘LA’ spin-off is stupid beyond words. Various characters have fake hick accents. Pride (Scott Bakula of ‘Quantum Leap’ and ‘Star Trek: Enterprise’) looks old. LaSalle (Lucas Black of ‘American Gothic’) is obviously the ‘hunk’ of the show but I still think of him as Caleb Temple. Pride and his ridiculous name takes a case personally. There is babble about OIC, NIIN and NMCI. A weird tech babbles.

The opening credits are ridiculous. Brody has a bad haircut. Their office is silly. The coroner Loretta is the Ducky of this show. Hamilton a bad politician played by Steven Weber seems to be the big bad of season 1. There is a mention of the Irish Bayou. Ducky (David McCallum looking geriatric) guest stars via skype. The case comes down to a fake tattoo, pallets and a wharf. There is also babbling about pigment bases, corruption, crime and this was okay. There are fake tans and paternalism.

Best Lines:
“Rent, drinking money.”

“Angry shark, rabid squid? Even a starfish from hell?”

“Take Brody. Learn things.”

“Dead hazing.”

“You have a blessed day.”

“We’re attached to what we know.”

“Micro punctures.”

“You snore. Loud.”

“Roll tide.”

“Gets done in his own trailer.”

“I’d say he starts running in 3, 2, 1.”

“Stop resisting.”

“Here’s what I’m chewing on.”

There is Rinch subtext and a college student, Claire, who does potentially harmful things. What has happened to the flashbacks? Claire is playing an intensely complex game or so she thinks. Finch is mystified. Root is annoying. Shaw’s plotline does not invite attentiveness. Claire is annoying and caught up in worrisome events. This was serious, intense and good.

Best Lines:
“The game master.”

“Optical head mounted display.”

“Go cow or go home.”

“Nobody can see or hear or help.”

“Frightening thought.”

“The wrong thing is reaching back.”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ trailer
Where is Luke?

‘The Last Kingdom’ promo
BBC2 does ‘Game of Thrones’.

Peanut M&Ms - good.
Dark chocolate M&Ms - okay.
Gluten free chocolate tart - okay.

Years ago I saw the 1987 film ‘Love At Stake’ in the video store and never rented it. Thankfully.

Anyone recall the 1991 to 1998 TV show ‘Step by Step’? Or ‘Rentaghost’?

I’ve dropped ‘Zoo’.

I’ve heard how ‘Continuum’ ends - yawn.

I don’t like Black Orchid by Tom Ford.

Recall Dib Dabs?

Dear houseguest: you blew a fuse, screamed and made a mess in-between making demands. Will you JUST LEAVE instead of lying in bed all day every day.

‘The Mechanic’ Quote:
“His costly troubled son.”

‘The Sunday Telegraph’ Quote:
“But when you scream, nobody listens to you.”

“Earthy, febrile talents.”

“Later on he rethought that.”

“Guilt, shame and self-reproach.”

“Too much time talking chemically altered nonsense.”

“Warned drunken students they could end up rogue traders or Volkswagen engineers.”



“Bitterly furious.”

“Sexual presence.”

“Lacking in gratitude.”

“Utterly dismissed.”

“Without an inch of respect.”

“Ideological menace.”



“Abstention from crude parallels.”

“Prescient fit.”

“Self-evident contradiction.”


“Profound viciousness.”

“Dubious child-rearing practices.”

“Forced fervour.”


“I wanted to go where there was light and food.”


“Bad and paranoid judgement.”

“Penitential way.”

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“Made to clean dustbins.”

‘Sunday Impendent’ Quotes:
“Wanted to hit him over the head with the stick-blender.”

“Once accused an epileptic patient who was recovering from a seizure of being lazy, ordering him to ladle out the cesspit.”

“Threatened him with personal violence.”

“Twee in the extreme.”

“Withholding her own private self.”

“I’m not very good with cold soup.”

“You could feel it in the room, this fury coming up.”

“Most awful depth of despair.”

“If your fold your arms in front of a team of men, you are a washerwoman, and you lose your strength. Keep your hands down, never lift your voice. The second you do that, you’re finished.”

“A bag of trouble.”

“Awareness of what, remains the question.”


“Comforting memories.”

“How dismissive he was of me”

“Mysterious darkness and depth.”

“Completely detached.”

“Onslaught of criticism and negativity.”

“Extreme joylessness.”

“A lady tickler.”

“Tawdry and cheap.”

“Whose aspirations may be limited through no fault of their own.”

“UFO fear.”

“Inexhaustible resources.”

“Widespread anger.”

“The 1960s flower child era has turned into something ugly.”

“It’s a state of mind. It’s a tone, a voice.”

“Asks where is the limit of a mother’s love.”

“Deliberately so in our view.”

“Hugely unpleasant individual.”

On ‘Neighbours’: Toadfish’s charity money is stolen cos the moron didn’t put it in the bank. Brad moves in with Lauren and sees no problem in abandoning his family. In fact he did it just to spite Terese. Piper is awful. Lauren and Paige are smug in their victory. Imogen throws Brad’s dry cleaning in the pool. No-one recalls Matt except Terese. Brad has no shame.

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Dr S’avage is murdered. Holly is casually, relentlessly and sometimes aggressively stupid. Harry rejects Ste. Tony and Diane realise the depth of Ste’s lies and depiction. Ste has no shame and is a nub of toxicity. Hypnotoad, Jason and Robbie are menaced by the controlled danger Trevor in ceaseless fashion. Mercedes scrutinizes her life choices and goes back to Joe. John-Paul meticulously lists Ste’s many faults and calls him poison. Ste ignores Leah.

Best Line:
“You were gay half an hour ago!”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: The Final Girls + Sins Of The Past + 6 others

The Final Girls (2015)
A very disappointing homage to 80s horror. Max’s mom starred in ‘Camp Bloodbath’ in the 80s which was a star derailing role. Sadly mom (Malin Akerman of ‘Watchmen’) dies in a car wreck. Max broods and her horrible heartless desensitized friends take her to a ‘Camp Bloodbath’ horrorthon. Max likes the lunk Chris (Alexander Ludwig) but his evil ex Vicki (Nina Dobrev of ‘The Vampire Diaries’) who is also Max’s ex-BFF won’t go away.

After a highly improbable fire, the gang run through the screen and end up in the movie. Presumably everyone else in the cinema dies. So Max, Chris, Vicki, hipster Duncan and some other girl are in ‘Camp Bloodbath’ and its hyper-real cinematography. They encounter the doomed ‘Camp Bloodbath’ characters including Nancy the character played by Max’s dead mother. Max and co wander around the summer camp observing the doomed camp counsellors and their hideous shorts. WTF is with Americans and summer camps anyway?

This got paeans of praise to my astonishment. It is so boring and an imposition on your time. ‘Camp Bloodbath’ character Kurt is taurine and obviously adored by TPTB. Kurt is the tastemaker and arbiter of style. Max is supposed to have indefatigability - she just annoys and can’t act. Increasingly dramatic music plays and this was made with no malevolent skill. The killer, Billy, wears a silly mask. Paula the ‘Camp Bloodbath’ final girl looks like Catya Sassoon. Vicki seems to have had bad fillers done. There are tasteless comedy deaths. Even watching this on a nano-crystal TV probably wouldn’t improve this. It creates no active fear and the sap is dreadful.

This limp film does not enthral you. The millennials have inherent privilege and no aplomb. The cliché-ridden writing bores and the low budget SFX look cheap and fake. Vicki remorsefully babbles. Billy the dastardly killer lurks. This was clunky and not fresh or insightful. There is no innocence, strangeness, crisis, personal development, optimism or Aristotelian thought. This was not hyper-realistic, nuanced or restrained. You don’t care about any of these cartoon characters.

There is no abject immobilising terror, emotion or intensity. This was not a satisfying experience. This was not poignant as the marauding killer exudes no menace, savagery or evil. The killer is inexorable bit not alarmingly chilly. The ‘Camp Bloodbath’ characters can’t escape the kind of roles and responses laid out for them by the time and place they exist in. So there is no drama in people fighting hard to avoid the obvious outcomes of their storyline. So this was plodding and inherently boring to watch.

The overlong slow motion sequence heavily circumscribes any emotional tension or intellectual and emotion horizons. Nobody acts like it is the worst circumstance it is possible to be in. The utterly pitiless killer isn’t even interesting. You don’t care about stony-faced, flint-eyed Max and her boring mommy issues. This was full of stupidity and irrational decisions. There is not melancholy and this was just lurid and unkind. Max and her lofty judgmental moral crusade annoy. This film is nowhere near as clever as it thinks it is. Human desecration = funny according to TPTB. So there is no moral service in this meandering, self-indulgent and frustrating mess. Nobody is clever, compassionate or self-aware. The perfunctory dialogue, inspirited performances, cod-portentous language and crude caricatures are mordantly painful and worst of all, there is a sequel hook.

Best Lines:
“The only marshmallow that will roast is your sanity!”

“My arc on ‘CSI’ as a bipolar mistress.”

“Why would you say that? That’s so hurtful.”

“She is the worst!”

“I’m having a psychotic episode.”

“If this is a dream there’s a very strong chance that my dad’s going to come up to us naked and offer us some pecan pie. But don’t take any. It is not pecan pie.”

“Says the guy in the crop top.”

“Are you guys’ poor people? Are you guys’ poor?”

“Our homes don’t even exist yet. They’re probably just landfills waiting to be turned into crappy subdivisions.”

“Dibs on the one that looks like Ricky Schroder.”

“I can’t believe we’re just gonna casually watch someone get murdered. What is this, Detroit?”

“Why do we need a chainsaw for a slumber party?”

“I love legends: Loch Ness, Big Foot, Bon Jovi.”

“Actually, people don’t really shop at malls anymore. They shop online.”
“What’s online?”

Sins Of The Past (1984)
This TV movie is about a group of former call girls who are stalked and murdered by a crazy man. Barbara Carrera, Kim Cattrall, Kirstie Alley and Debby Boone reunite and track the nutter. Said nutter is eventually foiled by the hallelujah lights as Debby Boone warbles at a religious gathering. This is mindless fluff.

Too Good To Be True (1998)
Bad TV movie with Patrick Duffy and Loni Anderson.

Braveheart (1995)
An ill-advised judgment of a film with a wilful disregard of fact.

Best Line:
“Stay. Learn how.”

Gypsy (1962)

Tea With Mussolini (1999)
Plodding tale of Florence and fascists.

Dirty Dancing (1987)
Not charming or good.

Double Indemnity (1944)