October 11th, 2015


Movie Reviews: Valkyrie + Mean Girls 2 + Hook

Valkyrie (2008)
The true story of how some German officers tried to fight the dark forces of history by killing Hitler. They failed to have the transformational impact on the war they hoped and paid for it. This was not intriguingly intense but merely okay. Hitler is always petulantly inquiring and failing to be a social realist. People have to give deferential nods to the crushing might of a crazy man who is always doing aimless ramblings and nefarious walking. This was not emotionally charged but does entertain. The Nazis even decorated their swimming pools with swastika mosaics according to this film.

Mean Girls 2 (2011)
Horrible, unwanted, unneeded sequel about human disaster zones.

Hook (1991)
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Scary Books

Book Review: Left Hand Magic

Left Hand Magic by Nancy A. Collins
The 2nd in the ‘Golgotham’ saga has lazy writing, shaky world building, impending doom and a deeply embedded lack of trust between humans and supernatural beings. There is also idiot comedy, morons, an obvious villain, violence and the moral abyss is undermined by cheesy dialogue and a terrible twist ass pull ending.

Best Lines:
“Enough of this playing at being a bohemian artist!”

“We’ll see if you still feel the same way once the pain-killers wear off.”

“I grabbed this sword that had a flaming chicken stuck on it and chased him around the restaurant.”

“Are you sure he wasn’t tripping when he told you that?”

“Pulled inexorably downward into the bowels of whatever hell awaited him,”
Scary Books

Reign 2x12 + House Of Cards Season 3, part 3 Reviewed

Mary is unimpressed with Francis and his irritating haircut. Disloyal Lola annoys. Diane shows up and has a fragile tolerance for Kenna. Catherine has more eerie and bleak visions. There is a serious lack of respect for Narcisse. Mary and co do no movement, speech or association that make you believe they are of the 16th century. Greer is lectured to by Leith and his demented syphilitic emperor haircut. Catherine isn’t seen as threatening. Diane was 15 years older than Henri. Things are remarkably flat and complacent and there is bad acting.

Greer is thick. Bash and Claude solve the mystery of the twins. There is hysteria and no moral obligation to sense. Francis whines and has no trustworthiness. Do the royals have no servants? There is more foreshadowing of Mary’s fate. Mary can’t be reconciled with Francis. There is a flashback to little Bash. Greer loses everything and is thrown out on the street. Bash disowns his mother. Kenna is not compelled to apologise for absolutely anything Mary’s dog returns. Bash is done with Kenna. But what happened to the nanny? Did no one notice Catherine murdering someone?

Best Lines:
“More useful outside the door.”

“What jealous tantrum did that necklace pay for?”

“Royal children are never alone.”

“Be afraid of me!”

“Your words are unwise.”

“I haven’t properly mocked you.”

“Doubts like this start wars.”

“Oh? Is that caring?”

“I will not bear you.”

“I don’t want you at all.”

“You’re dead. You’re nothing but dust and bile.”

“Return to your hell and leave me to mine.”

“Where is your forgiveness?”

“Do you think it was easy being the King’s mistress? A position easily gained. But held? For decades?”

“Neither of you deserves my forgiveness.”

“That can no longer be my concern.”

“Somethings are too unforgivable.”

“But I am alone.”

“Jealous hands.”

“Indignation instead of grovelling.”

Chapter 33
I don’t care about Underwood v Claire or their vow renewal. Meechum does nothing. Claire mumbles and sulks. Underwood is a fat southerner in a white suit. Claire has a frost of ignorance and makes the hostility between herself and her husband obvious. She’s all dumb viciousness. This was dull and Thomas the writer bores. Stamper continues stalking. There is unsubtle symbolism and the salient point is that this sucked.

Best Lines:
“I’ll be smiling. Will you?”

“Just what I said, less combative.”

“People assumed she wouldn’t steal any valuables. But, of course, she did.”

“I fault her as much as you.”

Chapter 34
A hurricane blows. Underwood berates Remy. Freddy gets screwed again and gets a new job. Kate the reporter gets melodramatic. Meechum hates on Thomas, Meechum is weird. Underwood signs away AmWorks. The hurricane doesn’t even hit. The empirical fact is this sucked.

Chapter 35
Russian troops are killed in the Jordan Valley. Spacey’s ACTINGS annoy. I don’t care about Jackie, Remy or Doug Stamper. Petrov emotes a lot. Claire makes wild accusations. Underwood does dumb crap. Heather gets yelled at and things go even more awry. How does Claire’s witterings suffice as proof? This was terrible.

Best Lines:
“Campaigning on Air Force One costs $179,000 an hour.”

“You’re holding onto that table like it’s a stripper’s tits.”

“FSB counter-intel training.”

“I will put you in your f##king grave!”

Chapter 36
This season has been disastrous. The Underwoods are on a slippery slope due to their loud and proud smugness. They annoy and sense remains unheeded. Jackie’s husband is adorable. Petrov issues ultimatums. Two middle aged men in camo snipe at each other. The guinea pig returns. Thomas yells so many lies; you can’t accept that he was a rent boy who Underwood fancies. I don’t care.

Best Lines:
“I think she should be gone.”

“We made her believe that we did.”

“Never touched me once.”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘They Look Like People’ teaser trailer
Mumblecore horror about paranoia, back shaving and fly buzzing.

‘The Walking Dead’ season 6 promo

‘The Soloist’ (2009) promo

‘You, Me and The Apocalypse’ 1x03 promo

‘Sew Cool/Knit Cool/Sweetcare Spa’ ads
I despair, I really do.

Gluten free apple crumble - yum.
Gluten free mature cheddar chilli thins - okayish.
Light Philadelphia - mmm.
Chilli & Lime hummus - nice.
Chocolate M&Ms - okay.

I won’t review ‘Nightfall’, ’Atonement’, ’Dynasty’, ’Battle Mage’, ’Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ issue 10x19, ’Angel & Faith’ Issue 10x19 or ‘Once Upon A Time’ 4x18 ‘Heart of Gold’ or 4x19 ‘Sympathy for DeVil’.

I will review ‘Carry On’ and ‘The Leftovers’ season 1.

Dear houseguests: You barge in the door without knocking, claim to have a present for me but don’t, fail to say thank you for anything and shove food in your gob. You also lounge in bed all day, fake bronchitis and eat and offer no thanks.

The 1997 ‘The Shining’ miniseries was not good.

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Home protection weapon.”

“Lockdown drills.”

“The regulation tracksuit.”

“Nothing to envy in the world.”

“Are old enough to remember all three leaders of the Kim dynasty.”

“Emotive phrase.”

“Cue maniac clapping.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“People might have saved themselves if they weren’t so spineless.”

“No-platformed by the University of Manchester’s student union.”

“Seen as threatening.”

“Fake binaries, performativity.”

“Must be able to talk. No one has to listen,”

“Spending school holidays trying to lure father out from behind his Daily Telegraph.”

“Mutoid stalks.”

“Strong sense of the past.”

“Ready for their big reveal scene.”

“You can’t trust victims.”

“Heightened atmosphere.”

“An indicator species.”

“Cock trout fighting each other for the right to fertilise.”

“A relentless application.”

“A malign nostalgia.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quote:
“I missed you during my uneventful absence.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Spending his money on her addictive lifestyle.”

“Life somewhere else. Without him.”

“A quick-claim deed.”

“Co-morbid situation.”

“Might want to not do that anymore.”

“The kava bar.”

“You haven’t helped her.”

“Everything is his.”

“Found it in the front yard.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“There is a natural psychological reaction to believe what you want to believe and ignore more realistic and less laudatory comments.”

“Rather poor.”

“Leave no discernable impression whatsoever.”

“Passports under lock and key.”

“Lack of selflessness.”

“A decent man forbidden from behaving decently.”

Endlessly well dressed.”

“Neither side understood what it was fighting for. The conflict had become its own cause.”

“Even further disconnected.”

“Moral outrage.”

“Needs to be played by Josh Brolin.”

“Creative ambiguity.”

“Properly appalled.”


“Emergency puke or ride bag.”

“Tan wipes so you don’t look like the ginger one from Girls Aloud.”

“Her thigh tattoo.”

“Lacked motivation to complete necessary tasks.”

“Struggles with boundaries. The respect isn’t there.”

“Have any validity.”

“If I had come across them. I probably wouldn‘t be speaking to you now.”

‘Why would I be in a field with a cow?”

“Discursive construct.”

“Grindingly predictable narrative.”


“Vindictive protectiveness.”

“Reoccurring difficulty.”

‘A League Of Their Own’ Quotes:
Colonel pain.”

“All fart, no poo.

‘Dark Secrets Of The Lusitania’ Quote:
“Zone of war.”

‘FTWeekend’ Quotes:
“Daydream for the dissatisfied.”

“Looking beautiful and blank.”

“Appear from nowhere to befuddle hapless men.”

“Reductive formula.”

“More like a collection of apps.”

“Disparage the internet.”

“Dutiful men trapped in relationships with manipulative women.”

“The work of a nasty personage.”

“Excellent moral understanding.”

“Destined to be enjoyed equally on long-haul flights and by cultural theorists.”

“There was no cultural dialogue any more.”

“Core concept anchors.”

“Mouth heat.”

‘American Gothic’ Quotes:
“My faithful sidekick.”

“What should I wish for daddy?”

On ‘Neighbours’: Amber thinks Paige should dump Brennan and hook up with Tyler - vastly inappropriate. Imogen and Daniel clash.

On ’Hollyoaks’: Pete pervs over Jade. Sienna does not die. Cleo is jealous of Jade. When is rage monster Porsche leaving? Talk about a waste. Theresa is shameless. Nico and her ill will makes things worse with Ben. You can’t believe TPTB are making the show’s 20th anniversary all about hypnotoad and his artfully mussed hair. Quality is not manifestly evident. Sienna tries to protect her insane child.

Ben isn’t and then is an emotional companion for Sienna and her red eyes. Sienna is in a horrible unending anxiety spiral. Ben’s thick. Is Maxine baking bread in her onesie? Sienna’s nail polish and Nico’s lipstick aren’t bothered by the fire. Nico is not misunderstood, she’s a thundering loony. Patrick was going to be Nico’s father not Dodger.

Patrick lies to Ben. Sadie lurks like a stale fart. Where will the new family live? Maxine tries to clean up the incinerated sofa with a dustpan and brush. Patrick cant’ beat up Maxine any more because he can’t. Ben proposes to Sienna - oh this will end in fire. Cleo pines for Pete.

Best Lines:
“He had more women than Russell Brand.”

“I never wanted to leave you.”
“But you should.”

“I need you” I love you!”

“I don’t blame myself.”

“This is our family. Right here.”

“It’s not her kidney, it’s her.”

“Stay out of care or jail.”

“Handle all my essentials.”