October 6th, 2015


Zoo 1x08 Reviewed

The Cheese Stands Alone
Jamie tries being a manipulative temptress. The damning truth is that this ep was bad, lumpen and poorly realised. The gang look for blood thirsty rats. Mitch visits his ill daughter whom he abandoned for unclear reasons. The lardy script has Mitch’s ex being sour and spewing digressive vituperation in un-thoughtful fashion. A female guest star spews a jealously narrative. Rats use an elevator. How was this renewed? Steven Culp and Xander Berkeley guest star. Ben had a boss and there is a twist.

Best Lines:
“No more rat talk.”

“Should have gone to a better college.”

“That man is here. The surly one.”

“That’s just awesome.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and a 1995 Tape Tale

‘Doctor Who’ 9x04 promo

‘Reign’ season 3 promo
Elizabeth v Mary. The doomed Mary is all false sincerity.

Best Lines:
“I can’t take on 2 queens.”

“Scotland’s queen will fall.”

‘Babylon 5: In The Beginning’ promo
A nice TV movie but the Minbari never paid for what they did.

Best Lines:
“Simple retribution.”

“The human race ends with the current generation.”

‘Ex On The Beach’ promo

Best Line:
“Are worst enemies.”

‘The Bone Collector’ (1999) promo

‘Arrow’ season 4 promo
Feck off Felicity. I have general scepticism. Oliver is very loud after the bloated and preposterous season 3.

‘Crimson Peak’ TV spot

‘Master Of The Game’ (1984) miniseries promo
Terrible ad, terrible miniseries.

‘Heaven & Earth’ (1993) promo

The Affair’ season 2 promo

‘The Pursuit of Happyness’ promo

‘Driven’ (2001) promo

‘Superfast’ promo
A dumb comedy spoofing a dumb franchise.

Best Lines:
What are you driving?”
“A car!”


‘Space Precinct’ opening credits
Cops in space! Rob Youngblood was hot. These opening credits are rubbish.

Gluten free Tex Mex Burrito Bean chips - okay.
Hot green beef curry - okay.

Gluten free bread could contain fracking glue and treated wood pulp? Gross.

I read ‘Hollyoaks’ spoilers - meeehhh.

There could be a ‘Watchmen’ TV show?

‘Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil’ was poo.

I won’t review ‘Once Upon A Time’ 4x16 ‘Poor Unfortunate Soul’ or 4x17 ‘Best Laid Plans’.

‘American Gothic’ Quotes:
“His personality hasn’t improved any.”

“That was a cheap shot about Hitler.”

“Lucas is corrupt, he’s manipulative, he’s probably psychopathic.”

“Never underestimate the power of the unholy to deceive.”

“He is a channel for demonic evil.”

“There aren’t demons roaming the Carolinas.”

“Never said I wasn’t.”

“There’s no such thing as they in Trinity.”

“Go to hell.”
“Been there.”

‘Running With Bear Grylls’ Quote:
“That’s a false horizon.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Lack of love and responsiveness.”

“Emotional neglect.”

“Hostile, critical and intrusive.”

“An inexhaustible supply of hatred.”

“Relentless, humiliating, terrorising, degrading, twisted, petty.”

“I couldn’t ever protest or express an emotion.”

“I was forced to finish every disgusting meal.”

“Once I was sick into the porridge, but, so scared of her, I ate it.”

“I wasn’t allowed to get out of bed by myself until I was 14.”

“Every interaction was rough, angry, verging on violent.”

“Wielded absolute control and power.”

“Her insatiable fury was mentally exhausting.”

“It’s healing cream.”

“Simmering, scowling disapproval.”

“Persists in the fantasy.”

“Reimaging the past.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“We have a large stainless steel bowl filled with crushed ice and faces, limbs, tentacles and claws in front of us.”

“Lose your contraceptives.”

“Justly celebrated.”

“Chain of solidarity.”

“Inherently defective.”

“Put too much faith in the camouflage ability of knitted ski masks.”

“Long stagey speech.”

“Rarely seen without an anorak.”

“Pettily harassing.”

“Never one to knowingly underplay the melodrama.”

“Some ambivalent aspects.”

“Who would have the malice?”

“Not exactly bitter, but wary of life.”

“Was I really like that?”

“Broken! Devastated! Sobbing!”

“Insurmountable separation.”

“Loud and self-indulgent pleasure.”

“Nonsense stuff like that”

“The apogee of everything.”

“Far less alarmist character.”

“Cultural fault-line.”

“Disastrously unproductive.”

“Outright, unequivocal prohibition.”

“No evidential value.”

“Hubris, arrogance and delusions of aggrieved self-pitying.”

“Crass and self-serving.”

“Relentless attacks.”

“Irrational obsession.”

“A negative view.”

“Haul off.”

“There was constant drama.”

“Rescued Teddy Fossett from an aggressive chimpanzee by hitting the animal over the head with a hammer.”

“Precarious situation.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Why did you allow it?”

“I shamed the family.”

“Coming at you and yelling.”

“Puke out in the back yard.”

“People should be nice to people who have knives. Take it out.”

“I never carved die bitch.”

“You came to fear him?”

“Trailer park pig.”

“I hate that for you.”

“Opinion and truth are two different things.”


“Bring them to respect.”

“Start to isolate.”

16 & Pregnant’ Quote:
Go mudding.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
Blow dried dogs.”

“You need his trust early.”

“Crowd hair supervisor.”


“Remote significance.”

“Without a single complex emotion.”

“The master of the cold, the bleak, the unknown.”

“Comes across as having significant, undiagnosed mental insatiability.”

“Arrant hyperbole.”

“The heroine needs a personality disorder.”

“An unsavoury sideline.”

“Entraining vituperation.”

“Reinforced fornicating chair.”

“Lying like a back-alley slut.”

“Alcohol, inertia and pub violence.”

“Pathological rage.”

“Doing good better.”

“Considered constructions.”

“A slag heap of cocaine.”

“A carpet of underwear.”

“Contrived hedonism.”

“Radical inclusion.”


“The rich and moronic.”

“Steely avarice.”

“Revelling in their own hedonistic triumph.”

“Furious invectives.”

“Aptly soothing.”

“A paper-thin counterculture that has been consistently and badly appropriated ever since.”

“Radical self-reliance.”

“Stocky men being mean.”

“Failing to heed advice.”

Aggressive scowl.”

“Male freight.”

“They even feel frightened by taps.”

“Feelings are totally over-rated.”

Cackling fury.”

“Makes you feel like a medieval crone who lives in a wood.”

“Someone who doesn’t want you enough.”

“Plays against lovable.”

“Aggressively infantile.”

“Youthful foolishness.”

On ‘Neighbours’: Susan is sanctimonious, Piper is the smoke of satan and Terese cries about her awful husband.

Cleared out a 1995 tape. It began with an ‘American Gothic’ ep ‘Pilot’ in which there are deep fried accents, Lucas is the devil, Matt is detestably annoying and Lucas never does any law enforcing. Gail does nothing of interest, Selena sluts it up, Ben wears a vest and it is never explained why Selena and Lucas don’t have a baby. This was dull.

Best Lines:
“I thought the southern sheriff was a cliché.”

“Someone’s at the door.”

“Rack your balls?”

Then came another ‘American Gothic’ ep ‘Strangler’. Gary Cole overacts, Merlyn dispenses otherworldly platitudes and there is a heap of misogyny. This was crap and Caleb needs a kicking. The opening credits to this show were good. If Lucas was the devil - why did he have such small ambitions?

Then came an ‘Alien Nation’ ep ‘The Game’ in which the image looks cluttered and orange. There is 80s hair, good opening credits and a George has bad dreams. There is over acting, shrieking, melodrama and Andreas Katsulas guest stars. In the credits there is a shot of a cinema playing ‘Rambo 6’ - not so improbable.

Best Lines:
“Flying bags of germs!”

“Use of firearms without provocation.”

Finally there was a season 1 ‘Babylon 5’ ep ‘Babylon Squared’ which looks low budget and is full of bad acting. It is never explained what the dawn of the third age of mankind was. Michael O’Hare did the best narration of the opening credits. There is bad makeup, Delenn is boring, there are visions, time travel, clunky dialogue and a twist that makes no sense.

Best Lines:
“Babylon 4!”

“Needing, we take.”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Dark Equinox, part 2 +The Neighbours + The Best Horror Of The Year Volume Seven, part1

Dark Equinox and other tales of Lovecraftian horror by Ann K. Schwader, part 2

Custom Order
An au pair is hired to mind an unusual baby. Things happen in nice, understated fashion. This is a bleak vision of the calamitous damage that wanting can cause. Good.

Best Lines:
“Generally sanitizes Alex.”

“A truly frightening disregard for natural order.”

Uncomfortable expressions.”

Desert Mystery! Gas & Go!
A creepy little tale of horror in the desert. Good.

A disturbing tale of nonchalant amorality. Good.

Scream Saver
Careful what you click on. An okay tale of apprehension and dodgy characters.

The Water Lily Room
An ignored wife and mother slips out of her life as her fairly horrendous husband and children fail to notice. Good.

Best Lines:
“Nobody in this house needs her. And she knows it.”

“It is the voice of every friend she wishes she still had.”

The Death Verses of Yian-Ho
A poetry student uncovers evidence linking poets centuries and countries apart. Unbelievably horrible stuff happens as the study of prominent poets leads to an inescapable fate. Excellent.

Best Lines:
“Pretty weird folklore at that.”

“Hunger incarnate.”

“A tongue more ancient than any devised by mankind.”

Twenty Mile
The 1st Cassie tale about how she became the unexpected inheritor of the family ranch. This is excellent.

Best Lines:
“There was something under the earth of Twenty Mile.”

“Just thinking about what her relatives had been living above all these years made her queasy.”

Experiencing The Other
The 2nd Cassie story. It’s 2 years later and a group of new age nutters want to experience the weirdness at Twenty Mile. This was excellent as events take an unexpected turn.

Best Lines:
“Whatever you do, stay inside. This is shaping up to be a bad one.”

“What this storm was calling out of the Earth tonight.”

“Someone just wants to get in, and they don’t feel like knocking.”

Paradigm Wash
The 3rd Cassie tale; a month has passed and Cassie takes up amateur anthropology. She works at a very weird dig site. But weirdness soon turns to an endurance test in terror as unholy debauchery and depravity waits below. This was excellent and disturbing.

Best Lines:
“Those, at least, had been created by humans.”

“If he’s lucky, he won’t survive it.”

“And she didn’t like the implications of surface life.”

“From places we don’t even names for.”

“There’s a reason tourists aren’t allowed into those deep places anymore.”

Night Of The Piper
The 4th Cassie tale sees her volunteer at a shifty organisation. An ancient and unholy union comes to life. Good.

Best Lines:
“Reeked of ‘60’s-era social worker.”

“Some ancient cultures should stay buried.”

The Wind-Caller
The 5th Cassie tale. She is stranded by a snow storm and meets a woman whose ex fancies himself as Lucas Buck from ‘American Gothic’. This was good.

Best Lines:
“His size and bearing said town bully.”

“You really believe me?”
“I wish I didn’t.”

“Something older and darker.”

The Neighbours by Mary-Rose Hayes
A family buy a cheap house in Marin County (like in the movie ’Serial’) and admire the tacky orange rug in this 1978 novel. The husband has judgmental weird Catholic parents who love him and judge their younger psychic son. The husband gets a job aboard and fecks off to be feckless, useless and absent. The hopeless mother falls victim to the intensely manipulative emotional landscape perpetuated by the goddammed repugnant desperate housewives around her. Only the precocious child who has psychic powers can alert her psychic uncle that something is rotten in Marin. This was a good tale of horrible people, sinister neighbours, neglect, family dynamics, annoying kids and a hero who seems the type to shout at pigeons. This could have been fleshed out more though. Dated moments include: crew cuts are unusual, muu-muus, platforms and blue eye shadow being worn, petrol being expensive, a child is named Chetwynd, there is a Pooh Bear toy and sunglasses are a novelty.

Best Lines:
“Tacky old wall-to-wall carpeting.”

“But she’s not a hooker anymore, Dad.”

“You’ll be saving your profanity for the outside of this house.”

“Disparage its poor mileage as thoroughly unpatriotic.”

“The successful young suburban matron uniform of tailored polyester knits and bubbly hairstyles.”

“Regarded the act of dying to be in questionable taste.”

“She’s got a repellent personality.”

The Best Horror Of The Year Volume Seven edited by Ellen Datlow, part 1

The Atlas Of Hell
A creepy dark tale about an abominable artefact. Very good.

Winter Children
There is goings on at an old folk’s home. Good.

A Dweller In Amenty
A disturbing tale of a sin eater. Very good.

Outside Heaven
A tale of a small community that can no longer close its eyes to the dark aspect within. Good.