September 29th, 2015


The Last Ship 2x13 + Zoo 1x07 Reviewed

A More Perfect Union
The div immunes have been defeated, some of them anyway. The ship has no weapons as it spreads the cure. This ep is uninspiring, laboured sentimentality. There is a farcical, brutal and stupid baddie. This season has been soporific and I’m done with this show. The XO does nothing. The baddies are swaggering, defensive, callous, shabby and unrepentant. Tex and his tremendous charisma heads off to find his daughter and he does. The POTUS is perennially vacant, saggy, sluggish, bleak and dull. Eric Dane is a chilly lead. Dr Scott blinks her eyelashes in irritation. Season 2 lacked all emotion and subtlety.

A backwoods type grins manically. Chandler does bitter brooding. Things are precarious, discouraging and inefficient. The characters lack personality, charm and character. The ego crazed baddies bore. The public are gormless, emotional, vexatious and weak. This was full of earnestness and bad CGI. The POTUS is officially sworn in in the new capital St Louis, Chandler looks terrible in his uniform, Scott chooses Chandler, there is a proposal, a singsong, the dog shows up and someone is shot. Season 3 will be full of warlord factions and resource wars. No thanks.

Best Lines:
“Breathing on anyone we can find.”

“Become part of the healing of this country.”

“Stop right there easy rider.”

“So you’re kin.”

“Fired point blank through the door.”

“Negative domino effect.”

“A truck full of sick people.”

“We can make you a martyr. But who would care?”

“A nation to build and a world to repair.”

Jamie is full of inherent foolishness. Was Ben really an FBI agent? Jamie plumbs the depths of self-regard and self-involvement. Mitch is big, loud and domineering and does dingy, oppressive stuff. Steven Culp of ‘Traveler’ guest stars as an evil business man, Carl Lumbly of ‘Pacific Heights’ guest stars as a suit and Simon Kassianides guest stars as Chloe’s cheating ex. This has no weird menace. The law is broken as people indulgently look the other way. How did the gang become indispensable much-loved companions? Nothing is plausible. Jamie’s undisciplined adventurism annoys and Mitch has ruthless self interest and is particularly horrible as he does the grimmest obvious thing. This has unnecessary verbiage and this ep was wholly unbelievable. There is no tension or morbid anticipation. This was unexceptional even as bears run around Paris. Mitch evades, omits and lies and runs an agenda. Yawn.

Best Lines:
“Way too dramatic.”

“Getting all sciencey.”

“All big and scary.”

“Falls temporarily dormant.”

“Why would that be a problem?”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Lewis’ promo

‘Jekyll and Hyde’ promo
Oh yes.

Clean Break’ promo

Best Line:
“I had to leave them there. Tied to a tree.”

‘The Leftovers’ season 2 promo

Best Line:
“There are no miracles in miracle.”

‘The Last King of Scotland’ (2006) promo
Nope, an illusion of tension.

‘Nick of Time’ (1995) promo

Dark orange choc - yum.
Lemonade - good.
Choc with nibs - yum.

I slept through the supermoon!

RIP Log Lady.

Poor Kaley Cuoco and her horrible upside down wedding cake.

‘West Side Story’ (1961) is not a good film.

I will review ‘The Second Lady’, ‘The Man From U.N.C.L.E’ season 1, ‘The Cry’, ‘The Sudden Departure of the Frasers’, ‘Rich Deceiver’, ‘Magic and Loss’, ‘We Will All Go Down Together’, ‘Forces From Beyond’, ‘Failure of Moonlight’, ‘Child of Two Worlds’ and ‘The Bog’.

Remember Penguin bars? Or when scrunch curls were a thing?

‘The Guardian’ Quote:
“A fetid turd.”

‘Right Hand Magic’ Quotes:
“Allow me to befoul myself with delight.”

“Genuinely surprised that someone might take offence at his hurling balls of molten death in public.”

“Steer clear of the maze. Humans were never meant to navigate it.”
“Is it dangerous?”
“It can be, if it has a mind to.”

“What a he-ho. I hope you burned the sheets.”

Better Off Dead’ Quotes:
“Mellow off.”

“I think it would be entirely beneficial if you were to re-enter the sociological mainstream by re-engaging in the ritual act of dating members of the opposite sex.”

“You gotta have pride and class in this business.”

“I’m real sorry your mom blew up.”

‘Due South’ Quote:
“It might be love; then again it might be worms.”

‘The Big Bang Theory’ Quote:
”My breath smells like fly!”

‘The Irish Times’ Quote:
“A rogue sac of pus deep in his pelvis. Then his ankle becomes infected, and the reader winces as a surgeon slices open the inflamed joint. The pus Gerrard informs us forensically, took eight minutes to drain.”

‘Kingdom of Heaven’ Quotes:
“Would I had fought you when you were still capable of making bastards.”
“I knew your mother when she was making hers. Fortunately, you’re too old to be one of mine.”

“I once fought for two days with an arrow through my testicle.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Never been included.”

“Make fiascos that were needless.”

“Tickling time.”

“Did you fake a heart attack?”

‘The Affair of the Poisons’ Quote:
”They had to be fully dressed, bejewelled, tight-laced into their bodices, ready to travel to Flanders or be cheerful and good company, move about, seem not to notice heat or cold or draughts or dust, and all punctual to the moment, giving no trouble of any kind...As for the needs of nature they could not be mentioned...To feel sick was an unforgivable crime.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Cold and unimportant little island.”

“Live mainly on herrings and potatoes.”

“Previously unimaginable.”

“So implausible as to be downright risible.”

“Was smelly and unhygienic.”

“His private life was just too rackety for him to be a proper spy.”

“Establishment insouciance.”

“Prodigiously promiscuous.”

“A little too conventionally structured to convey the absolute weirdness of its subject.”

“Unhappy and enforced Russian exile.”

“Rather tragically sought out British visitors who might bring him English delicacies.”

“Perky, half-baked longing somehow to be someone.”

“Depressingly sad story.”

“Apparently simple chancers.”

“Something that was never intended for you.”

“Hilarity and mirth.”

“Natural disappointment.”

“No one cares for him.”

“The rewards look slight.”

“Miserable beginnings.”

“Act as a permanent reproach.”

“A slothful, barren place with no art, science or material comforts.”

“The tormenting question.”

“Pretentious rehash.”

“Turned being broke into a competitive sport.”

“Glacial garrets.”

“Damp breeding groups of E Coli and gonorrhoea.”

“A pretty unspectacular place.”

“Appalling, hellish, pitiful misery.”

“Nameless fatigue and sated horror.”

“That bloke came at me with a brick. I took it off him and hit him with it.”

“An intimacy and engagement.”

“Transpose tenderness with horror.”

“Incensed by the inactivity.”

“I’m very lucky as to be able to change what I have on the walls according to my shirt colours.”

“It is an abyss.”

“Surrounded by her own owls.”

“Famous and fated.”

“Spent much of the past 8 ½ years in his bedroom.”

“Slow, dirty, grinding one.”

“The transition from feudalism to the modern state took three centuries.”

“Highlight a moment.”

“Drunk whiskey all the way through.”


“My 1970s haircut.”

“Well-intentioned and harmless.”

“Put a one-bedroom flat in the front of its jets for those too posh to slum it in first class.”

“Fetch goat’s milk for a guest’s bath.”

“Located zebra milk.”

“As long as its legal and moral.”

“Fantasise about the day they’ll be asked to bake a birthday cake from scratch for a gluten-intolerant guest at 40,000 ft.”

“Does one look in Sir’s toiletry case? Only if one has requested Sir’s permission to do so.”

“Apply 10 second fold.”

“Stack, than wrap.”

“Oddly impossible.”

“Give minimalism a bad name.”

“Blowtorch oysters by the front door.”


“Oiled and exposed in a desperate bid to sell lycra.”

“A tasselled crevice full of anorexic snobs.”

“Look like a condom filled with dogmeat.”

“Home counties sass.”

“Obsequiously deferential.”

“Falling out of nightclubs.”

“Damnable backstory.”

“Notoriously disruptive.”

“Painfully intimidating.”

“Least sentimental accounts.”

“Excuse his own behaviour morally.”

“Disproportionate pleasure.”

“Controlled anger.”

“Emotionally stifling.”

“Leering, overweight, greasy, geezer.”

“Extraordinarily difficult to offer a compliment.”

“The drunken homeless woman clutching a bottle of meths at the exit to the underpass. “You dirty bastard! I’m calling the police,” she bellowed as I passed.”

“Boldly and without prison.”


“Ritualised space.”

“The status quo can’t hold.”

“Dog foul.”

“Companionable silence.”

“Women going off to the Cotswolds to have a nervous breakdown over a man.”

“Sweet stories about sweet people, sweetly told.”

“Slavering relish.”

“All those phallic cacti.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Ziggy tells Leela he wishes she was dead and is then mistaken for a gay prostitute. Leela messes up. Tegan smugs. Ste lies and he and Harry are caught in a toilet stall. The Ste/Harry plot is nonsensical. My interest is non existent in the errant manchild Ste.

On ‘Neighbours’: Brad fawns over Lauren as they plot against Terese. A schoolboy yobbo injuries Amber’s unborn child.

Book Reviews: The Secret Fire + Threshold

The Secret Fire by C.J Daugherty & Carina Rozenfeld
Prim pursed-mouth Taylor is told to tutor French violent psycho weirdo loner Sacha over the internet. She falls for his proustian ravishments and dishevelment and vaguely threatening presence. Invariably Taylor’s order and stability and astounding complacency is disrupted ever more by magic, really bad decisions and creepy beings with a menacing air. I like this tale of magic, curses, calculated benevolence and centuries of secrets. This was good and there will be more, I’m there.

Best Lines:
“Your neighbours are really conformist and lookist and they’re all staring.”

“It felt good not being sorry.”

“As if the Bringers might leap out from behind the tired-looking hedge,”

“Awful, horrible words.”

“The front door was gone.”

“It was filed under “No known language.””

“I’ll go.”
“You’d better,”

“Grumbling to himself about the state of French youth.”

Threshold by Caitlin R. Kiernan
Chance Matthews has something in her possession - a fossil of a creature that couldn’t possibly have ever existed. But it did. And still does. This tale of a much older reality is a fraught, fractious tale of polemic anthropology that is sadly an absolute bore.