September 27th, 2015

Pretty Smart

Reign 2x08&2x09 + Agent Carter 1x07&1x08 Reviewed

Terror Of The Faithful
Francis deliberately alienates his wife. Catherine is deeply unkind to Claude. Protestants convey frustrations. Conde is asked for help. Narcisse stalks Lola in a wood. Francis has stultifying conformism. Mary is clumsy and po-faced. Nobody has didactic reflections. There is nothing but misery stringing Francis and Mary together. Francis has no arguable appeal. Francis is overwrought. Lola’s stupidity is entrenched. How do people not know Latin? Bash talks to Catherine. Francis stifles freedom and is far too mean and cynical. Claude is subjected to a virginity test by men - such things were done by women. Narcisse makes a move on Claude. Catherine suspects Claude of murder. Very little of this ep was well crafted.

Best Lines:
“Must you be so loud?”

“Bavaria? It’s cold. Smells like sheep dung.”

“Some rustic Bavarian.”

“You smell gamey.”

“You wilful nag.”

“All I will do.”

“You do inspire impatience.”

“A chaste Catholic wife.”

“She’s upset with some frequency.”

“It’s what drives my existence.”

“Blood will flow.”

“They ruin everything.”

“I’m not pleased.”

“You did this to us. To France.”

Acts Of War
Is it Christmas? Francis’ plodding whitebread style does not go down well. Claude’s hair has changed drastically. Mary dresses like a nun/Princess Leia. Mary and Francis’ interactions are less attractive. Bash is steadfastly loyal to the socially awkward manchild Francis. A marriage between Conde and Claude is proposed. Is Conde really a protestant? Mary is too shouty, show-offy and inaccessible. Claude defies cultural standards. Greer realises how deep her husband is in the grand narratives of system thinking. Claude has not a certain amount of respect for anyone. Narcisse makes threats. Various characters pronounce Valois differently. Bash kills a guy. Relaxed and smirking assassins attack the castle. This ep was not a picture of delight. This was not portentous and was in fact an non-memorable non-event whose inspiration was not torn from the heart and soul. Mary falls victim to right bastards and the inescapable trope of sexual violence. Mary, Queen of Scots did experience that but from her 3rd husband under still debated circumstances. There is bad acting and it’s all about Francis as always.

Best Lines:
“Servants get worse every year.”

“Is it that bad? Fantastic.”


“Might not want you gone.”

“I feel a creeping sense of unease.”

“I ask for things.”

“Dire, dire consequences.”

“Conde will never rule.”

“Ideally, no.”

“All is quiet.”

“I will not have you hissing in my ear!”

“No real place among your own blood.”

“Your selfless offer.”

“Presents for servants, how progressive.”

“Take back what’s yours.”

“I think you are accountable.”

Peggy lies and is astringent and affected and rude. She refuses to explain the contextual specifics and is smug to Souza. Jarvis strolls around. Howard Stark is scum. A man cooks in 1946. Dottie wears a fetish outfit and fights. The chief dies. This was sappy, dreary and implausible. Souza and Thompson get over their lack of understanding. But this was not efficacious.

Best Lines:
“Some daft whore.”

“I find you repulsive.”

“Panic was involved.”

“Leviathan is coming.”

“No one listens to one looks at me.”

“Start shooting. To kill.”

“We’ve been compromised.”
“I know.”

“Incredibly flawed.”

Howard Stark has a selfish and boundless thirst for power and material prosperity. He never thinks about the negative effects and does no examination of conscience. This is a grave summons to conflict. Howard Stark glories in his sense of entitlement. Stark invented a psychosis inducing gas. Souza attacks Thompson. Is Souza the future husband of Peggy? There is not one Hydra mention. Howard Stark finally shows up. An attack on VE day is planned. Jarvis and Stark won’t stop lying. Jack gets the glory. This leaves one soul sapped. Peggy and Dottie fight. Will Thompson, Souza and Dottie be in season 2? There is a re-creation of the ending of ‘The First Avenger’. Angie shows up. When will Peggy found SHIELD? No-one wonders why Steve’s blood hasn’t dried. There is a cameo, yawn.

Best Lines:
“Be a diamond girl.”

“New visions will arise.”

“The silliest goose.”

"Souza tried to bite my nose off.”

“Midnight oil.”

“This isn’t good.”
“No. It isn’t.”

“I know my value.”

“He does not own my integrity.”

“I’m not a bad person.”
“Yes. Yes, you are.”

“I thought you’d be better.”
Scary Books

Book Review: Invoking Darkness

Babylon 5: The Passing of The Techno-Mages Book III: Invoking Darkness by Jeanne Cavelos
This 2001 novel is an unfocused narrative of mini-polemics that is bewilderingly dull. It’s like bad fanfic you’d find on AOOO - the type put up by SJWs that is full of ‘trigger warnings’. Anna Sheridan does stuff as a slave of the Shadows. Delenn does nothing. Galen broods on the moral implications of what he is something he seems to have got over by the time of ‘Crusade’. This is essentially plotless with Anna doing awkward exposition, the largely amorphous Morden acting like he has burger sweats and Galen obsessing over monstrous devolutions and the price of making a techno-mage. It’s an aberration he overcomes quickly. There is still no explanation for why Justin served the Shadow’s cultural imperialism or why there was a big glass roof on Z’ha’dum or why Lorien was living in a hole on said planet.

The Vorlons continue their fanatical delusions of illusions of purity. This was unmemorable and not wrenching and Galen is a glowering paragon of manpain. We are repeatedly reminded that Something Serious Is Happening but truthfully B5 has faded in significance and this book is just a sour note with no discernable purpose. It’s just boring and turgid beyond comprehension.

Best Lines:
“They carried no emotion or import.”

“She didn’t understand them.”

“You are an abomination.”

“No good can come of you.”

“Anna manipulated them carefully.”

“She must perform gestures as she spoke, vary the tone of her voice, shift her gaze periodically, and convey different expressions.”

“We discovered that the civilization wasn’t dead at all.”

“All of you must die.”

“She couldn’t identify the expression on his face.”

“The code that embodied everything that they stood for, had been written in the alphabet of the Shadows.”

“The rune that the mages translated as good, he had learned in his studies, actually meant useful.”

“Fanatical eagerness.”

“Flesh will do what it’s told.”

“We are all damned.”

“Only then did I realise what the Shadows had given us.”

“Her implacable embrace.”

“Still Morden served them.”

Trailers, Quotes and a 1996 Tape Tale

‘Sicario’ TV spot

‘Doctor Who’ 9x03 promo

‘Identity Thief’ promo

‘Black Mass’ promo

‘Bill’ promo

‘A Walk In The Woods’ promo
Nick Nolte looks like lawn fungus.

Best Line:
“Try not to die.”

‘Up Close & Personal’ (1996) promo
Go away Robert Redford.

‘Chewing Gum’ promo

‘Pan’ TV spot

‘Good Burger’ (1997) promo
This is hell.

‘Care Bears’ ad
They’re back?!?

‘The Burning Zone’ promo
This chill-giver is not plagued with the ordinary.

Best Line:
“Throw the sick ones into the sea!”

‘Star Trek: Voyager’ promo
Swarm! Stupid.

‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’ promo
Quark marries a Klingon.

Best Line:
“What does she see in that parasite?”

‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’ promo
The 100th episode of DS9.

‘The Burning Zone’ promo
Dumb and very 90s. Or everyone dies, indeed.

‘He Said, She Said’ TV spot
The horrible clothes.

Best Line:
“Sex with me is very good.”

‘Psycho’ promo
Perkins was hot.

‘The Chamber’ promo

‘The Long Kiss Goodnight’ promo
More action.

Best Line:
“Just point and spray.”

Millennium’ promo
Frank Black broods in this over hyped crap.

Best Lines:
“How does he see it?”

‘The X Files’ promo
The infamous ep about the house your parents warned you to stay away from. This has blood, weirdoes and nutters.

‘Needful Things’ trailer
The devil comes to town. Ed Harris emotes excessively. There are fights and taunting. A good trailer but a bad movie.

Best Line:
“You’re disgusting. I like that in a person.”

‘The Intern’ TV spot

Matcha orange raw vibrant nutrition balls - nice.
White Chocolate - okay.
Paleo box - okay.
Galaxy bar - okay.
Salted caramel bar - ugh.
Blue corn tortilla chips - yum.
Gluten free ciabatta and red pesto - yum.
Un-pasteurised blue cheese - yum.

I will review ‘Right Hand Magic’, ‘Left Hand Magic’ and ‘Zeroes’.

I won’t review ‘Once Upon A Time’ 4x14 ‘Unforgiven’ or 4x15 ‘Enter The Dragon’.

The cancelled sitcom ‘Kitchen Confidential’ is 10 years old! 10!

Sam Smith’s Bond theme sucks.

‘Victorious’ Quotes:
“Come eat from my wig!”

“It’s court ordered!”

‘News’ Quotes:
“Have behaved rotten!”

“This group of reformed drug addicts.”

“One years.”

“Cooking soups.”

“12km backlog.”

Speak’ Quote:
“Pen inflamed essays about marginalization and amid, all the shouting, she still falls silent.”

‘Pacific Heights’ Quote:
“Legally severed from his family.”

‘Totally Dublin’ Quotes:
“The horrors that a biotechnically adept future might want to expel.”

“Less conceptually bizarre.”

“Too devoted to wordy surrealism.”

“Avant-garde critical darling.”

“Creatively repressive.”

“A fearful respect for paper.”

“Cancer dances.”

“Overdressed school runs.”

“The Manhattan geisha’s totem of choice, an $8,000 Birkin bag.”

“Misogyny has been internalised as a lifestyle, inflicted by cliques of women upon themselves.”

“With any luck everyone will feel some sense of shame over what they’ve done.”

“Drastic and ill-advised change of tone.”

‘Warehouse 13’ Quote:
“When did you turn into that?”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Proper character direction.”

“Lurking doubt.”

“Cows squatting in the centre of the dimly-lit roads at night cause traffic to swerve at the last minute, often with disastrous effect.”

“A propensity to succumb to tears on major public occasions.”

“Discard whatever proves troublesome.”

“Inalienable dignity.”

“If you see something on the ground that’s not yours, don’t pick it up.”

“An outbreak of syphilis in Europe in the 15th century killed an estimated five million people.”

“Climate change in a glass.”

“Wakes up with her face in an ashtray.”

“Grave outrage to moral values.”

“Intensely vulnerable.”

“Generate a profound sense of psychological threat.”

“Can express its confusions and insecurities only in violence.”

“Brutal, cowardly, destructive.”

“Mournful thought.”

“Violent, anarchic, disorder.”

‘Strictly Come Dancing’ Quote:
“Bizarre bottom wiggle thing.”

‘Doctor Who’ Quotes:
“Fell into a nest of vampire monkeys.”

“You keep not dying.”

‘Celebrity Big Brother’ Quote:
“Hag, be quiet.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“I’m trapped for life.”

“Recently got married for the 4th time.”

“Unfair in every way.”

“You were breaking things.”

“That disturbing.”

“I will beat your ass!”

“An abusive child.”

“Don’t hit or kick or throw things.”

“Police calm you down.”

“You choose to have that kind of interaction.”

“Antagonistic relation.”

“Eye contact told.”

“I feel left out.”

“Hypersensitive to touch.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Ziggy is shirtless. Why hasn’t Diane thrown Ste the freeloader out? Esther’s storyline must have originally been Sinead’s. Tony is an orange homophobe. Cleo is overwhelmingly offensive. TPTB make her look knowing. Jason resurfaces. The Roscoes have an open view of adultery. Ste is lazy and continuing his long and fraught downward spiral. Cleo wastes food. Who is the father of Celine and Cleo?

Diane cops that she is being poisoned and suspects Tony and Tegan. Harry skips school to chase Ste. Harry hurls himself at Ste who acts like Doug and John-Paul never existed. Harry and Ste are unrepentantly awful. Tegan wants Ziggy. What is Sinead doing for money? Filming the Chester 500 in an abandoned warehouse? Peri and Cleo are friends. Peri has perfect GHDed hair for a new mother. Cleo whines about being the invisible one. Ziggy plans a holiday with Tegan - he has no morals. Leela is injured. Pete yells and nobody hears.

Diane does inane witterings. Harry has an abominable compulsion to shag Ste. Leela’s plotline is infuriatingly insubstantial. Ste has forgotten Sinead. Scott is onto Ste. Scott is as scary as dust. Robbie lurks. Where is Lola? Tegan has a pathological gratitude problem and acts like the moral arbiter of Chester. Ste is stupidly annoying. Diane and Tegan fight in the street. Tony is glad Sinead is gone. Tegan is infuriatingly inarticulate. Kyle annoys. Tegan does disjointed ranting. Diane plants a conspicuous camera. Dr S’avage violates medical confidentiality. Scott is the one poisoning Diane!

Best Lines:
“They always come out.”

“Don’t let Tony in!”

“Why does your dad like gays so much?”

“Welcome to the world of secret affairs.”

“Nasty selfish little cow!”

“You can’t treat him like that. He deserves better.”

“You nearly Roger Federered us in the head!”

“He is too good for me.”

“Men flock to us.”

“You that selfish?”

“Smells surprisingly edible.”

“People won’t understand.”

“They’re revolting.”

“Your online slurs.”

“How is the little one anyway?”

On ‘Neighbours’: Why is the obnoxious and awful Susan still friends with Lauren? Where are Mason and Bailey? Naomi doesn’t want to marry Paul. Toadfish is ungrateful. Paul wears a pleather jacket. How many times did Karl cheat on Susan? Susan annoys. Lauren continues to suffer no consequences for her whoring. Paul does a psycho stare at Kyle.

Best Lines:
“Door enforcer.”

“I’ve been proven right.”

“This doesn’t surprise me.”

Cleared out a 1996 tape. It began with a ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’ ep ‘Apocalypse Rising’ in which people do stuff about Odo’s claim that Gowron (Robert O’Reilly) is a changeling. Odo whines. Worf monotones. O’Brien moans. 4 of the DS9 crew go undercover as Klingons but not Dax for some reason. Dukat wears bling. O’Brien and Odo look like morons. Damar broods. There is bad line delivery. Kira says her pregnancy is Bashir’s fault. How meta. There is a twist and this was dull.

Best Line:
We all have our failures and he’s mine.”

Then came an ‘X Files’ ep ‘Herrenvolk’ in which ‘Everything Dies’ says the opening credits. Various blank faced guest stars infuriate. Mulder cries and gets beat up. Mr X dies. Nobody cares.

Then came an ‘American Gothic’ ep ‘A Tree Grows In Trinity’ in which a town near Trinity is named Ascension. Subtle. Caleb runs. Gail annoys. Lucas Buck has 90s hair. Matt is hostile. Selena slinks. 90s clothes are worn and Merlyn is awful. This bored.

Best Lines:
“If you’re looking for the mall, it ain’t built yet.”

“Just cos he killed her don’t mean they can’t share the same worms.”

“I got a shovel at home with your name on it.”

Then there was another ‘DS9’ ep ‘The Ship’ in which the main crew and some red shirts are on a desert planet poking at a crashed Jem’Hadar warship. It’s a great intelligence find and then more Jem’Hadar show up. Sisko claims salvage rights and a siege erupts. A Vorta argues with Sisko. He has no inclination to negotiate. There are bad SFX and a moral message. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Nobody was alive when this ship hit the planet. Yet it survived the impact.”

“No viewscreen. No chairs.”

“Why do they not come?”

“Very pleased.”