September 22nd, 2015


Zoo 1x06 + The Americans 3x13 Reviewed

This Is What It Looks Like
The world is corrupt, ruined, poisonous and grim. A bear strolls around a Parisian flat. A joyless and immoral society in which complaining doesn’t go down well is shown. A criminal is disrespectful. Mitch creates deep animosity and is incapable of non-confrontational approaches. The plot does not generate cohesion. The FBI agent judges and belittles. So many unpalatable men are into coercive control. A huge syringe is waved. Does anyone wonder what is going on in Africa with the lions? The FBI agent is a bad one. Shocker, only not. How does nobody notice the stairwell fight?

Best Lines:
“I am the authority.”

“Do it or I’ll kill you.”

“Not important or appropriate.”

March 8, 1983
Season 3 has under-performed egregiously. Regan makes a speech. Elizabeth and Paige visit West Germany. Philip gets called on his caustic jaded cynicism. Stan plots, Gaad flips out and Elizabeth meets her mother. But is it her mother? That’s enough for her, but it isn’t for Paige. Things go awry. Cotter Smith shows up. Sandra talks. Philip does bizarre things. Paige does something irrevocable. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“They’re liars.”

“Nobody caught the passport.”

“Connected to her roots.”

“They’re not who they say they are. They’re not American...They’re Russians.”
Scary Books

13 Movie Reviews

The Day of The Jackal (1973)
Ignore the heinous remake. Edward Fox is the Jackal - how can he be stopped? This is okay.

Goldfinger (1964)
Sean Connery and Honor Blackman star. A hat is thrown, an ejector seat is utilised, a woman is painted gold, Bond has it off with Pussy Galore and Fort Knox is robbed in this dull film.

Best Lines:
“Just how personal is that?”

“Like a blow torch through butter.”

The Go-Between (1971)
Dull Julie Christie/Alan Bates drama about a fling between quality and a tongue-tied lump of imposing gristle which ends badly.

Red Heat (1988)

The Fog (1980)

The Princess Diaries (2001)

The African Queen (1951)

The Break-Up (2006)
Shut up Vince Vaughn.

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2003)
Epic apart from Russell Crowe’s bleach job.

Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous (2005)
Not as good as the slight original.

Just Married (2003)
Marry Ashton Kutcher with haste and repent at haste. Okay.

Cannonball Run II (1984)
Burt Reynolds coasts.

National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 (1993)

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Hotel Transylvania 2’ TV spot

‘Macbeth’ TV spot

‘Serendipity’ (2001) promo

‘K-Pax’ (2001) promo
Kevin Spacey overacts.

‘Black Hawk Down’ (20010 promo

Jalapeno & Red pepper hummus - okay.
Raspberry tea - okay.
Peppery habanero - nice.

I regret never trying Christmas Pudding flavour Terry’s Chocolate Orange.

I like the musicals ‘The Phantom of the Opera’, ‘Cats’ and ‘Les Miserables’. ‘Mamma Mia!’, ‘Starlight Express’ and ‘Miss Saigon’ were not so great. I like the play ‘The Mousetrap’.

Anyone else recall Twirly Curls Barbie?

Remembering some more UK comic stories from the past. ‘Vicky The Evacuee’ in which the cockney terrors bothered the staff. ‘Wee Slavey’ in which a maid works hard for her idiot bosses. ‘Witch Hazel’ which was about a witch accidentally sent to reform school. ‘Poor Little Rich Girl’ in which a rich girl is bullied by her psychotic guardians and no one notices. ‘Sandra of the Secret Ballet’ in which the kidnapped girls continue to dance for their mad abductor and nobody has a problem with this. ‘The Impostor’ in which a scheming maidservant switches places with an aristo and the aristo can get no-one to believe her. ‘Inky at St Ives’ in which a pup guards his school from such things as fake treasure maps artificially aged with mustard. ‘Lady in the Looking Glass’ about a haunted ballerina. ‘Bad Penny’ in which a coin curses a twit and she screams at the inanimate object which somehow has a will of its own. ‘The Spooks at Number Seven’ in which a house is full of ghosts.

There was also ‘Unhappy Families’ which featured a girl and a malevolent pack of cards which somehow had a will of their own. ‘Daddy’s Pet’ was about a girl whose father returned from working aboard and doesn’t know her at all and disapproves of her liking Five Star, Philip Schofield and having a boyfriend. Thus driving her to a breakdown. There was the metafiction ‘The Double Life’ of Sad Sarah’ in which a girl’s father draws a picture story for a comic about a sad put upon girl named Sarah. But Sarah can come to life and is an awful holy terror.

Best Line:
“This jacket of Dad’s needs brushing.”

‘Fancy Another Jelly Baby’ mentally scared me for a long time. A girl with a sweet tooth is punished for her gluttony by being turned into a giant jelly baby. ‘Catch Me If You Can’ saw a girl learn the hard way about being careful who she played with. ‘Curse of the Condor’ was a South American treasure quest and ‘Hangman’s Alley’ was a dark tale. ‘Titch’s Tale’ was about a short girl who was abducted by aliens who threw her back for being a tich and thus didn’t eat her. ‘Winner Loses All!’ in which Sandy sells her soul to the devil to save her alcoholic father. She becomes a champion showjumper on a horse named Satan, a posh girl bullies her and a vet stalks her. There is a darkish ending but Olympic gold must be won!

One of my favourites was ‘Twin Trouble’ in which Lucy blames her identical twin sister Lynne for the accident that left her paralysed and ruined her athletics career. Lucy keeps being cured of her paralysis a secret and embarks on a hate campaign against Lynne by putting pepper in tea and stealing photos. Even when Lynne catches on to her revenge mad sister no-one will listen and Lynne ends up being put in care. Lynne is surrounded by violent bad girls who smoke and have bad perms. Eventually Lucy exposes herself in ridiculous fashion and all is well. I loved it.

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Very hostile co-parenting.”

“Made numerous allegations.”

“Why has nobody believed you?”

“Not relevant.”

“Parental capacity evaluation.”

“You’re backstage sabotaging.”

“Put the knife down please.”

“Get out of things.”

“Rejection issues.”

“Feel very lonely.”

“I find that really odd.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Needs a mother, not a martyr.”

“She wants to lie.”

“Has it occurred to you that you are WRONG?”

“You wouldn’t have walked out of my house.”

“How much is enough for you?”

“You will stop this.”

“She took away my Facebook.”

“Violated good judgment.”

“Don’t have any constructive communication.”

“Some level of empathy.”

“Look at her yelling and screaming.”

“Zero empathic plug-in.”

“Rabid wild eyed murderer.”

“Used as proof of guilt.”

“I want this stopped.”

“She doesn’t call me mommy anymore.”

“Beyond frustrated.”

“Does that seem like poor judgment?”

“Attacked your ex-husband with a hammer.”

“Some objective finding.”

“Three inch stack of police reports.”

“Psychosexual evaluation.”

“You’re delusional, sorry.”

“No modelling of any kind of resolution.”

“Group esteem.”

“Lean on your own understanding.”

“Very authentic answers.”

“You’ve lost connection.”

“Impulsive erratic.”

“Uncaring and very cold.”

“So cold and judgemental.”

“Not without some basis.”

“No good bitch you are.”

“Love her through that.”

“You can’t walk out.”

“Why are you making me?”

“I hate this!”

“You’re not even crying.”

‘A Winter’s Tale’ Quote:
“The box full of horror movie garbage.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Spectacularly defamatory.”

“Not insignificant.”

‘The Sunday Telegraph’ Quotes:
“The corporation had to put out a statement pleading with listeners to stop sending in wreaths.”

“Spatiotemporal sleight of hand.”

“Radical unschooling.”

“Leering email.”

“Bristle initially.”

“Clearest quantifiable indicator.”

“I want to turn up and feel dignified.”

“Put her morals where her mouth is.”

“Perceive unfairness.”

“Finally - inevitably - crumble beneath the weight of modernity.”

“What is a weekend?”

“People don’t realise that ‘Mrs’ is a title given to women at a certain rank in the household, it doesn’t mean she was previously married.”

“A curious and unfamiliar term.”

“Sense of public shame and failure.”

“Choosing unavailable men.”

“A primal response to rejection.”

“Machinegun invectives.”

“Interminable streams of verbal abuse.”

“Put his thumb through his laptop screen.”

“Pressured her to dress like his mother.”

“Only allowed to buy shapeless clothes from charity shops.”

“He was earning the money to pay for those potatoes.”

“Hag dos.”


“The hypnotic shadow cast by the past.”

“Unconfected truth.”

“The only woman in the movie who didn’t take her clothes off.”

“Acutely observed.”

“Soul chick.”

“Globalisation of indifference.”

“Never gives you a vivid enough sense of where “there” is.”

“Resplendent in yak beard and man bun.”

“Ashen-faced whispering on a cordless phone.”

“Built on the proceeds of the sale of liver pills.”

‘Top Gear’ Quotes:
“Stuff went on.”

“That’s so shaming.”

‘The Crossrail Discovery: London’s Lost Graveyard’ Quotes:
“The deepest and oldest.”

“In times of plague.”

“Thousands of cheap coffins were crammed in on top.”

“Disintegrated beyond recognition.”

“Tossing rejects over the graveyard wall.”

“Such an early time period.”

“More than 400 years old.”

“The articles of belief.”

“What he gets is a council estate.”

“Died of a horrifying disease.”

“Pretty nasty bone change.”

“A goose was a slang term for a prostitute.”

“At least 18 brothels.”

“The French pox.”

“Gross pathology.”

“Died alone and unlamented.”

‘Father Ted’ Quotes:
“Your bladder could go mental.”

“He’s a fair bit away yet.”

“His towel has blown away.”

On ‘Neighbours’: Where are Paul’s other children? Paige is an exhibitionist slut. Toadfish screams at his wife. Kyle and Amy may hook up. What is the point of Brennan?

Best Lines:
“Cover up a little bit more.”

“Genetically incapable of keeping their clothes on.”

“Don’t look at me, I’m broke.”

“A cheating coward!”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Lindsey regrets marrying hypnotoad but decides to stay with him anyway. Leela sexes up for Ziggy. Reenie wants Derek out. Did he molest her? Probably. Leela is still faking being pregnant and Ziggy won’t play with her sprinkler. Nana’s stupid for Derek. Pete has negative controlling views. Porsche dresses like a pole dancer. The McQueens are all of unsound mind. Emote hypnotoad, emote! Derek is obviously dangerously unhinged. John-Paul suddenly shows up claiming to have been staying on a mate’s sofa. What mate? Where is his son? Nana and Derek are to marry. Tegan is up to something. Ziggy sees Leela as defiled. Cleo whines and is thick. Lindsey justifies the cheating and lying she did to Joe by claiming she loves hypnotoad - she never loved him. Porsche does not forgive and neither does Reenie. Pete slobbers over Cleo, Derek slobbers over Porsche and Nana wears ‘sexy’ lingerie.

Best Lines:
“She’ll definitely leave him now.”

“You can’t get rid of me now.”

“You back stabbing little slapper!”

“Cheap slapper!”

“Classy love story.”

“To take that man’s name?”

“Would you forgive him?”

Book Reviews: The Day of the Jackal + Samantha + The City Stained Red

The Day of The Jackal by Frederick Forsyth
This classic 1963 novel about the attempted assassination of Charles De Gaulle by the OAS is very good.

The Sorority: Samantha by Tamara Thorne
This 2003 novel sees various factions on campus primed for war and engaging in somewhat unconstructive activities. This was boring, sexist, misogynistic and full of failed ambition.

Best Lines:
“He will not look kindly on you anymore.”

“Never so wrong as this.”

The City Stained Red by Sam Sykes
A massive but sadly bog-standard fantasy novel which various trope characters do trope stuff that nobody cares about. This was full of folkloric absurdities and gnomic utterings.

Best Lines:
“An expression reserved for war criminals and people who had extremely sentimental opinions of sheep.”

“That we neither offer nor perform in public sectors with stringent decency laws.”

“Muscle, look ominous.”