September 20th, 2015


Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Doctor Who’ 9x02 promo
Is this in black and white?

‘Miss You Already’ TV spot
It’s basically a ‘Beaches’ remake isn’t it?

Best Line:
“It’s aggressive, like you.”

‘Vikings’ promo
Linus Roache?!?!

‘A Tale Of Love and Darkness’ promo

‘Hollyoaks’ This Autumn promo
Cindy is onto the murderer Peri can’t be a mother, there is a fire and Patrick plots.

Wispa - nah.
Spiced Winter Red Tea - nice.

Patchouli earth soap smells okay.

I am reading ‘The City Stained Red’.

RIP Jackie Collins.

There will be a TV show based on ‘The Mist’? As long as Thomas Jane isn’t in it.

Jennifer Lien who was fired from ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ long ago has become a trainwreck. Shame.

Clara is leaving ‘Doctor Who’! Yes! She is dreadful.

I won’t review ‘Once Upon A Time’ 4x12 ‘Heroes and Villains’ or 4x13 ‘Darkness on the Edge of Town’. Neither will I review ‘The Last Ship’ 2x12 ‘Cry Havoc’.

‘Doctor Who’ Quotes:
“I intended to accuse.”

“Why have I ever let you live?”

“Since the Cloister Wars.”

“Some baby leakage on his jacket.”

“A friendship older than your civilisation.”

‘Once Upon A Time’ Quotes:
“I don’t bow down to fish!”

“What you do is complain.”

“I care about me.”

“The end of our misery.”

“No one calls me that here.”

‘Irish Examiner’ Quotes:
“Predatory art speculators.”

“Drunk people throwing bottles at your head.”

“A study in surly rudeness.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Effective combating force.”


“Will never, ever be heard.”

“Would follow U2 around Dublin intent on beating them up.”

“I knew which bus stop one of them got off at on his way home from town. I waited for him. It ended after that.”

“We cocoon ourselves within our houses.”

“No little craftiness.”

“Carried off with some efficiency.”

“That bloke is the person Robert Wagner used to play.”

“Played an unpromising hand.”

“An emotional pall.”

“Too hilariously useless.”

“You’re arthouse hard.”

“Angry, intolerant and pompous.”

“A kind of stubborn grace.”

“Damply sleazy.”

“An impossible conceit.”

“Trenchant hostility.”

‘Marvel’s Avengers Assemble’ Quotes:
“We’re calling it that?”

“Hit it a lot.”

“Less talking and more fighting.”

On ’Hollyoaks’: Hypnotoad calls Joe a doormat in yet another display of disparagement. Kim plots to break up Lindsey and hypnotoad but Lindsey is on to psycho Kim. Hypnotoad hits on Mercedes. Psycho fake Lisa lies. Jade moves in with Jack. Sinead finds out about Ste and Harry and storms out the door and that is her hastily contrived exit. Poor Sinead vanishes from the soap in hooker wear along with her baby in a jury rigged departure. Ste cries and gets violent with Harry. Once again overlooking the fact he is married to John Paul.

After Sinead’s undignified exit, she and baby Hannah vanish from Chester. Sinead is gone from the opening credits. Ste and Harry lie to Diane and claim Sinead ran off with a man. Nobody wonders how she is, where she is or what she is doing for money. Ste cries about losing his family ignoring how his adultery and violence ruined previous families he had with Amy, Doug and John-Paul. Lockie won’t stop cheating on Porsche and fails to see why it’s a problem. Kim exposes hypnotoad and Mercedes’ latest hookup. Reenie is upset when Derek moves in. Ste blames Harry for losing his family - ignoring the fact that he is the one who keeps wrecking them. Ste is lazy and pathetic. Where is the former hooker with no qualifications, job or money and her child?

Best Lines:
“Gin and shame!”

“Don’t you call my little Hannah a mistake!”

Cleared out a 2005 tape. It began with an ‘I-Man’ ep ‘Money for Nothing part 1’ in which Darien is depressed, the Keep is stupid and this looks low budget. The Agency needs money and Darien is treated like a servant and goes insane, again. This was terrible.

Then came the ’Pilot’ ep of ‘Dead Like Me’ in which George sulks and drawls. A lot of plot set up in this ep was dropped for the actual show. George is a loser and also orange. She is killed by a toilet seat from the Mir space station. Then she is recruited as a grim reaper. Cue whining. This bored.

Best Lines:
“Hates the word moist. She thinks it’s pornographic.”

“You will move out of this house.”

“Those are the last words my mother will ever say to me...boy is she going to be sorry.”

Then came another ‘I-Man’ ep ‘Money For Nothing part 2’ in which Darien wears a black poloneck and sunglasses and acts cray-cray. Hobbes is useless. There is bad acting. Darien’s eyes go silver. There are bad SFX. Darien menaces people and his idiot arch-nemesis shows up to annoy. There are ridiculous contrivances to hide the fact Darien isn’t wearing his SFX contact lenses. This sucked. Then finally there was a season 4 ‘Smallville’ ep ‘Bound’ in which Clark treats Lex badly some more.
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Eat The Rich + She Devil + Silent House

The Comic Strip Presents: Eat The Rich (1987)
In this movie, a group open a restaurant and do exactly what it says on the tin. They serve up the rich. This has pointless car chases, death and is hokey.

She Devil (1989)
A watered down adaptation of Fay Weldon’s vicious revenge novel ‘The Life and Loves of a She Devil’. Frump Ruth (Roseanne Barr) is dumped by her wuss husband Bob (Ed Begley, Jr) for pink slut Mary Fisher (Meryl Streep). Ruth plots vengeance and gets it. But the vengeance is nowhere near as dark and disturbing as it got in the book. Anyway Ruth ruins Bob, drives Mary to a breakdown and involves her ignored children, Mary’s aged mother and Mary’s hot butler in the morass. This was funny but way too slight.

Best Line:
“Soft core porn for bored housewives.”

Silent House (2011)
This remake of a film I’ve never seen focuses on a girl, her father (the poor man’s Billy Burke) and his brother who are tidying up a remote holiday home. There is a real time one-take conceit. There is mumbling, annoying characters and the gargoyle faced daughter hears odd noises and random odd things happen. I had no idea what was going on besides whimpering, flailing and excessively loud breathing. If you wonder how some random nutter tiptoes around the house and withdraws unseen the twist explains it despite contravening all logic. The heroine has a haunted look, there are shouty men and a not particularly complex plotline. Ill-defined goings on take place, people scream and glower post-ironically. This was not a chilling portrait of malice and darker themes.

Best Lines:
“A hole. Nicely done.”

“Just looking at its making me sick.”

“Goddam squatters!”

“What are you doing?”
“I’m getting my gun.”

“What did you do to him?”
“Not nearly enough.”

“Look at what you did to me!”

Five Go Mad In Dorset + Reign 2x06&2x07 + Agent Carter 1x06 Reviewed

The Comic Strip Presents: Five Go Mad In Dorset (1982)
This hilarious edition of the comic anthology show is a cruel parody of Enid Blyton showing up the classism and racism. This was followed up by ‘Five Go Mad On Mescalin’ in 1983 and ‘Five Go To Rehab’ in 2012.

Best Line:
You’re so licky!”

Three Queens
Francis and Mary should be 15! Where are Henri’s former mistresses Diane and Penelope? Lola’s family belatedly disown her for being a slut. Kenna urges gold digging. Catherine and Mary travel and are in peril. Catherine points out, again, that Mary has no sense and terrible judgement. Mary wails about her failing marriage, oh Mary - you have two worse husbands to come. A discrete quanta of peasants revolt. There is comedy, bonding and ignored advice. A fake King and Queen con peasants and they have an unexpected sponsor. Lola fires a bow, Bash does nothing and Narcisse and Conde do stuff. This was good. The fake Queen wails, Francis is a stupid liar, there is death and Mary’s dumb antics come back to haunt her.

Best Lines:
“Burn it all!”

“Makes the disgrace even worse.”

“I’ll never be admitted to the house again.”

“We’re women; we’re not allowed to have things of our own.”

“One of my special villages.”

“Flat on our royal fundaments.”

“We must have their love. I thank heavens I can buy it.”

“They all depend on the good will of the commoner. For very good reason: there’s 20 million of them.”

“Kill the royals!”

“Purses are for servants!”

“What will our marriage become?”

“A terrible, terrible hatmaker.”

“No pond of asses’ milk.”

“Court is what I need sanctuary from.”

“Disinterested generosity.”

“I don’t carry poison everywhere. I might accidentally kill myself.”

“I know that desperation.”

“Never give up a crown to anybody.”

The Prince Of The Blood
Where is Catherine’s daughter Margot? Her other daughter Claude shows up in a creased dress looking like Gloria Von Thurn Und Taxis circa the 80s. Francis sulks. Narcisse lingers and wants weak Francis to issue an edict against Protestants. Francis and Mary act religiously tolerant, which they weren’t. Claude wants to shag Bash - ignoring the fact he is her half brother. Greer is over dressed like a wallpaper shop threw up on her. Bash learns the truth about his father’s death. He and Francis look scruffy. Francis asks Lola for help. Lola utilises no brain cells. Claude tantrums. Lola bathes and Narcisse acts like he is in ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. Conde is a member of the Bourbon branch of the French royal family. Lola learns a secret. Conde fakes being a protestant. Francis acts in a manner that is not entirely fair. Mary is a dim bulb. Kenna whines. Narcisse gloats. Catherine hallucinates. Francis folds, Mary tantrums and ultimatums are issued. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Close your mouth. Bow.”

“Bowing to corrupt nobles and releasing murderers.”

“This isn’t a request.”

“People will kill each other in the street.”

“Did you marry a protestant?”

“Father threatened to kill both of them if they didn’t marry.”

“There’s no going back now.”

“She will not be your friend.”

“I am familiar with this threat.”

“What have you done?!?”

“I am finished waiting for him.”

A Sin To Err
Evil Russians plot, the SSR are stupid and Peggy blathers about the unnamed Black Widow programme. Jarvis smugs. Peggy looks into Howard’s conquests - I’m amazed he doesn’t have syphilis. Dottie does psycho staring. Souza is onto Peggy. The boss and Peggy have disheartening experiences. Dottie does not plan deconfliction. Leviathan has fooled the SSR. Thompson is an audacious jackass. Peggy wears trousers in 1946 - was that presumable? The SSR chase Peggy there is a fight in which she beats up numerous World War II veterans. This ep was a rancid armpit. Peggy lies and smugs and falls victim to her own knock out lipstick. Peggy’s busted and still won’t stop being smug. Souza clenches his jaw.

Best Lines:
“Been stabbed yet?”

“Knock if there’s danger.”

“Please go away.”

“That is immensely disturbing.”

“If you run, I’ll know it’s true.”

“Move that crutch faster.”

“Stuff secretary school.”

“Scary men.”

Book Review: The Year’s Best Dark Fantasy & Horror 2015, part 2

The Year’s Best Dark Fantasy & Horror 2015 edited by Paula Guran, part 2

The End Of The End Of Everything
A too long ridiculously pretentious over-sexualised tale about the end.

Fragments From The Notes Of A Dead Mycologist
From Jeff VanderMeer comes this incoherent mess.

A Wish From A Bone
By Gemma Files. Cryptoarchaeology leads a team to a forgotten temple where ‘Evil Dead’ like events take place. This was excellent.

Best Lines:
“Since to name them was, inevitably, to invite their attention.”

“Given how Hynde described ‘em, what sort of people would worship the seven, you think?”

“Say on.”

Mothers, Lock Up our Daughters Because They Are Terrifying
Stupid teenagers play at magic. Dull.

Children of The Fang
Grandpa is not a nice old man and neither is what he keeps locked in a freezer in the basement. Good.

Best Lines:
“That I can expect a visit from your friend in the freezer?”

Sleep Walking Now And Then
A ridiculous and too long tale about a play.

Combustion Hour
I have no idea what this was about, but it’s okay.

Resurrection Points
A bizarre tale.

The Nursery Corner
There are creepy goings on at an old folk’s home. Good.

Water in Springtime
A creepy tale of becoming and discovery.

Running Shoes
A silly tale of sweatshop horror.

And The Carnival Leaves Town
A terrible tale of an evil carnival and post-realist wish fulfilment. Or something.

Who Is Your Executioner?
I’m aghast at how dumb this tale of a living dead girl is.

Death And The Girl From Pi Delta Zeta
A good funny tale of how a sorority girl fell in love with death.

The Floating Girls: A Documentary
A tale of how girls disappear and hints as to why. Very good.

Mr Hill’s Death
What is a tragedy? Good.

Madam Damnable’s Sewing Circle
An okay steampunk fantasy.

Only Unity Saves The Damned
There’s no getting out of this small town. Good.

A man gets a job in a necropolis where the dead don’t lie still. This was dark and good apart from the bad sex scenes.

Best Lines:
Where they went was never known.”

“Gods did not usually keep quiet about their presence.”

“That heinous ruined place.”
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