September 17th, 2015

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: The President's Plane Is Missing + 4 others

The President’s Plane Is Missing (1973)
A decent TV movie in which there are tensions with Red China which isn’t helped when Air Force One crashes in Arizona leaving the dim-witted vice president Kermit Madigan (Buddy Ebsen) in charge and at the mercy of a smarmy official named Oldenburg (Rip Torn). Reporters Joanna (Louise Sorel of ‘Days Of Our Lives’) and Mark (Peter Graves of ‘Mission Impossible’) look into a possible conspiracy as sabres are rattled. The VP is treated as a joke, his wife is a shrew and Rip Torn sucks on an unlit pipe. Ugly 70s attire is worn. Clunky tech is on display and there is apparently a parachute on Air Force One. It takes two idiots to find the wreckage of Air Force One and then dental records prove the POTUS wasn’t in the crash. A General growls. The acting is bizarre, a sexy stewardess opens a door and then comes the big twist which really makes no sense. This was okay but what is a wire service? And where were the press and escort fighter jets?

Best Lines:
“Kermit Madigan is the President of the United States. KERMIT MADIGAN!?!”

“I let you mind the store and you try to burn it down.”

“I don’t care if he went crazy or was abducted or defected or ran off with somebody’s wife.”

“Somebody has to take command.”

“None of them is the president.”

“Air Force One may have been sabotaged.”

“We can’t find the president’s body.”

“Tell me about China.”

“You’ll be severely criticised in the press.”

“They had the will.”

“He tells them elephant jokes.”

“He didn’t jump.”


“He can’t think that big.”

“Dear god, you wonder what he was thinking on the way down.”

“The over-ripe lemon from Orange County.”

“Embassy row is hysterical.”

“The teeth were wrong.”

“Your views are well known.”

“A last resort measure.”

“He was actually threatening me!”

Fatal Instinct (1993)
Erotic thriller parody starring Armand Assante and Sherilyn Fenn. Okay.

Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983)
A creepy carnival comes to town. Okay.

Demon Night (1995)
Crap Billy Zane movie.

Videodrome (1983)
No, just no.
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Criminal Minds’ 10x21 promo
Hotch is bothered.

‘The Walk’ TV spot

Menthol extra strong mints - good.
Cheese and apple - yum.

‘The Last Ship’ has been renewed. How?

I may review ‘Silent House’.

I won't review ‘Asking For It’.

‘Dr Phil’ Quote:
“You don’t know what you’re claiming to know.”

“Embrace some conclusion or belief.”

“An emotional underpinning.”

“Those things bother you.”

“Brass knuckles and his knives.”

“Believes we did something wrong.”

“We didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You should do that.”

“Is that incontinent for you?”

“Set them free with information.”

“Don’t get irritated.”

“The Facebook stuff.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Company keeping.”

“Be attended by unsuitables from a distance.”

“Out with paganism.”

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“Deficit deniers.”

“Theatrical politics.”

On ‘Neighbours’: Brad blames everything that’s happened on Terese’s drinking and not his blatant adultery. Classic criticism avoidance. He runs off to screw Lauren as she has been making doe eyes at him over jam to reaffirm her love for him. Brad and his false promises needs to die. Brad picks Lauren not Terese. Brad whines about being judged for screwing Lauren. Karl needs to judge. Brad is not sorry at all. Paige is glad. Susan and Karl are on Brad’s side. Toadfish arrives home and whines. Paul and Naomi are a couple. Kyle and Georgia break up. Paige and Lauren show up to rub Terese’s face in it. Josh is on Brad’s side. Brad and Lauren have post coital smugness.

Brad only cares about Lauren and is constantly going to her to hook up. Paul dobbed Brad in to Terese. Brad rejects his wife and she has a lawn tantrum. Brad is stupid. Lauren admits she was after Brad from day 1. Terese throws jam and shoves Lauren into the pool. Brad still won’t apologise. Brad cares more for simpering Lauren then his wife. Brad lies and refuses to comfort his wife. Lauren ignores how she betrayed and lied to her dead husband and planned this all along. Why does anyone want Brad? Lauren tells Brad to pick her. Where is Brad and Terese’s third child? Terese throws Brad out. Amber accuses her mother of never loving Matt.

Best Lines:
“Your mum hooked up with our dad.”

“Another toxic secret.”

“There was no affair!”

“How convenient for you both.”

“You wanted this all along.”

“I haven’t always put you first.”

“Alternate life that was lost to me.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Orange Ste bangs Harry - eeewww. Fake Lisa’s non-brother Zack is busted for soliciting. Where are Tegan, Leela and John-Paul? Lockie yells. Wayne the pimp is about as scary as a fart. Selfish cow Lindsey plans to move to Manchester with hypnotoad and JJ. Mercedes has a big belly. Lindsey needs a battering. Zack’s parents yell. Kim plots. Mercedes lists her many dead husbands and fiancée. Ste doesn’t want to cheat on Sinead ignoring the fact he is cheating on John-Paul like he cheated on Doug. Lindsey ignores JJ. Ste wants cock. Fake Lisa obsesses over Jade who may be her actual sister. Wayne and his greasy fringe lurk.

Lindsey learns her job application form never made it. Lindsey and her Croydon facelift ponytail sulks. Fake Lisa is stupid. Wayne can’t act. Zack breaks his leg and there goes his football career. Fat Lindsey whines. Ste and his sweaty tracksuit lurks. Ste shagged George and then attacked him in the street - does anyone recall? Mercedes and Locke shag and she has no shame. Cameron is still in the opening credits. Diane is still sick. Lockie can’t control his wang. Ste wants Harry and no one seems to recall that Ste is married to John-Paul. Joe buys booze for the pregnant Mercedes. Where is Esther? Sinead breaks out her old hooker gear and whips up a curry. Wayne gets a battering. Lisa is a fake and is not Lisa. Real Lisa is still out there. It’s like ‘Brat Farrar’.

Best Lines:
“My cousin’s bisexual philandering husband.”

“Kerb crawling? KERB CRAWLING?!?”

“I didn’t do nothing is NOT AN EXPLANATION!”

“Mercedes Mcslutface.”

“Lisa’s a hooker!”

Queen Of Swords (2000 - 2001) 1x01 +Criminal Minds 10x21 +The Strike +The Bullshitters Reviewed

It’s 1817 and the heroine, Tessa (Tessie Santiago), sword fights in Madrid or rather 1 of her 12 stunt doubles does. The theme song ‘Behind The Mask’ by Jose Feliciano is okay. Tessa learns her father has died mysteriously in Spanish California so she and her maid Marta head out there. The territory is run by the evil Montoya and his evil lackey Grisham who is a deserter from the war of 1812. Dr Helm (Peter Wingfield) has PTSD from the Napoleonic wars but oddly isn’t in this ep. Tessa wears nice outfits and wonders where all her dead daddy’s money is. Grisham beds the slutty useless Vera who has obvious bleached blonde hair. Tessa has a vision of her dead dad (for the first and only time) and finds a secret room. Marta reads tarot cards. Tessa whips up a paper thin disguise from the family sword and her mother’s shawl. She and her 12 stunt doubles fight the evil is cool baddies. This was okay but where oh where was Dr Helm?

Best Lines:
You know this villain?”

“Much has happened since your father died.”

“That man is thirsty!”

“The man wears death like a flower.”

“The Dons. They do nothing.”

“Forgive him. He’s young.”

“I know nothing!”

“Ask me no more!”

“I fear no one.”

“Questions make enemies.”

“Who or what is that?”

Mr Scratch
A murder takes place on a dark and stormy night. Hotch judges and investigates. Thomas Gibson continues to emote like a plank. The murderer says a monster was in his house. Hotch thinks someone induced the murder and several others via drug induced psychotic breaks. Reid annoys. There are Stephen King shout outs and Matthew Gray Gubler directed this ep. He is a better director than actor. How does everyone know what sage smell likes? Orange Rossi needs to be told how to do his job. The case is connected to the satanic panic of the 80s, a foster home and a discredited shrink. What is a Snoopy sno-cone? The BAU is hacked. Reid blathers about math. Hotch is in peril. Again. Didn’t Hotch have an abusive father? A dissociated nut job giggles as Hotch trips balls. Will there be any follow up to this? This was good and full of negative stressors.

Best Lines:
“The shadow monster.”

“Why would I do that?”

“I’m not a murderer.”
“Yes you are.”

“Did I kill her quickly?”

“Talking themselves into believing.”

“The act of recounting a false memory hardens it into fact.”

“Home is scary.”

“Unplug everything!”

“They’re too dangerous to work anywhere else.”

“Stop talking.”

“I cannot help you.”
“Don’t tell me that.”

“Who the hell is he still hunting?”

“So you gave them to her.”

“They’ll kill you.”
“Are you sure about that?”

“I win.”
“I don’t think so.”

The Strike (1988)
The ‘Comic Strip Presents’ does a parody of how Hollywood would do a film about the 1984 miners strike. Okay

The Bullshitters (1984)
The ‘Comic Strip Presents’ does a parody of ‘The Professionals’ which climaxes with the meat headed duo getting shirtless and making out in a pile of gravel thus resolving their massive sexual tension. Whoever made this did not like Martin Shaw. Good.
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Book Reviews: Year’s Best Dark Fantasy & Horror 2015, part 1 + Lust Lizard Of Melancholy Cove + Lamb

The Year’s Best Dark Fantasy & Horror 2015 edited by Paula Guran, part 1

The Quiet Room
A man hates his dead wife. She hates him right back. Obvious.

Emotional Dues
A painter paints his manpain. Then meets a monster, this is imbued with nothing but purple phraseology.

Best Line:
“It was the sound of something trying to get inside the room.”

The Screams Of Dragons
By Kelley Armstrong. This is a ‘Cainsville’ short story. A boy is accused of being a changeling and is abused by his horrible family. This leads to terrible things mostly due to judgmental idiots who do nothing to help. This was good.

Best Line:
“You aren’t one of us. I’ll not have you eat with us.

Body stealing parasites do bad crap. This was not done to judicious effect.

(Little Miss) Queen of Darkness
By Laird Barron. Teenagers indulge in an unholy ritual and years later, the effects become apparent. This was excellent with a good ending.

Best Lines:
“Devoid of context, that stuff reads like the Unabomber’s doodles.”

“He smiles and picks up a claw hammer and comes for you.”

“Cowering in a closet when her lover got nosily disembowelled by the Eagle Talon Ripper.”

“Pact with whom?”

The Female Factory
A too long badly done tale of goings on in an Australian prison.

The Still, Cold Air
The prodigal son inherits his parents’ rundown house. This was good and creepy.

The Elvis Room
A scientist accidentally proves the existence of ghosts and his life unravels. Excellent.

Best Line:
“I knew where its dead were.”

The Cats Of River Street (1925)
By Caitlin R. Kiernan. In Innsmouth, something is moving. This was excellent.

Best Lines:
“Who knows what might be swimming out there.”

“The monsters the mad and unholy men and women of the Esoteric Order see fit to call forth.”

The Lust Lizard Of Melancholy Cove by Christopher Moore
From the author of the inept ‘Practical Demonkeeping’, ‘Coyote Blue’, 'A Dirty Job', 'You Suck', 'Bite Me' and ‘Fluke’ comes this 1999 tale about a sea beast’s visit to hippie haven Pine Cove. You don’t care about the resident nutters or the sea beast’s by-catch. This isn’t funny and is dull and full of outdated technology.

Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore
This 2003 novel tells of the younger years of Jesus as told by the saviour’s forgotten pal. It is a tale of miracles, stupid angels, author tracts, Romans, Mary of Magdala and ongoing sexism. This was appalling and kind of offensive.

Best Lines:
“All affections of modern life were false.”

“I thought you were going to be a village idiot.”

“You can’t have someone like him alive.”