September 13th, 2015

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Byzantium +2010 +Impulse

Byzantium (20120
A Neil Jordan film about vampires (but no Stephen Rea). Two women are chased by grunting, glowering, skulking brutes. The women attack all activities with the same brow-furrowed singularity of purpose. This mess is full of logistical infelicities, glowering sulks, muddled exposition and has neither substance nor discernable purpose.

Best Line:
“In celebration of my wickedness.”

2010 (1984)
Okay sequel to ‘2001’.

Impulse (1984)
Meg Tilly wonders why people are acting crazy.

Book Reviews: Merilynn + The Red Hand

The Sorority: Merilynn by Tamara Thorne
This insipid 2003 novel is from the author of the equally un-compelling ‘Haunted’, ‘Moonfall’, ‘Eternity’, ‘Candle Bay’ and ‘Bad Things’. Eve Camlan is dead and evil witch Malory Thomas focuses her evil plan on Merilynn in-between engaging in juvenile sex jokes. This could have been an interesting tale of the Arthurian mythos carrying on in the new world but instead is subpar ‘American Pie’ style antics carried out by characters with the IQs and personalities of tablecloths.

Best Line:
“My little nut cruncher.”

Hunter Of Sherwood: The Red Hand by Toby Venables
This 2nd ‘Guy of Gisburne’ novel is not as good as ‘Knight of Shadows’. Guy stomps around having glibness and an existential crisis over a murderer on the loose. This is too long, too padded and full of tonal uncertainty, exposition and weighted dialogue. The plot is not capably orchestrated and there is no room for nuanced plot or characterization. This is a dull riff on the legend with the evil Robin Hood cackling and his cult of morons (Marian, Will The Scarlet, Friar Took, John Lytell and Alan O’Doyle) have creative ambition.
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Flash’ season 2 trailer
Who is Zoom? Patty, Atom Smasher and a Flash signal feature. Iris won’t go away.

Best Line:
“An unstoppable demon.”

Shaun of The Dead’ trailer
Terrible trailer.

‘Be Cool’ trailer
Terrible movie, worse trailer.

‘The Amityville Horror’ trailer
This remake movie is terrible as is the trailer.

Diaper Surprise ad
This is just wrong.

Bite size Brownie Biscuits - yum.
Chocolate Gianduia with Hazelnuts - good.
Hazelnut choc - good.
McMor - okay.

I will review ‘The Year’s Best Dark Fantasy and Horror 2015’ and ‘The City Stained Red’.

I won’t review ‘The Silver Skull’ or ‘Once Upon A Time’ 4x10 ‘Fall’ or 4x10 ‘Shattered Sight’.

Series 3 of ‘Black Mirror’ will air on Netflix? Oh piss off Channel 4.

A young Clint Eastwood on ‘Rawhide’ = cute.

Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“I verbally said things.”

“No wonder nobody likes you.”

“Constantly disrespected.”

“The disrespect.”

“Materialistic leeches.”

“Threatening him with a brick.”

“Non-loving relationship.”


“Snide comments.”

“Really bad problem solving skills.”

“It simply is not true.”

“You’re telling lies.”

“I don’t live here for free!”

“A manja cake.”

“Tired of hearing you.”

“Emotional integrity.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Lifeforms potentially drastically different to anything we’ve considered.”

“Homo naldi walked the earth possibly as early as 2-2.5 million years ago.”

“They have lain hidden and undisturbed for perhaps millions of years.”

‘The Greatest Knight’ Quotes:
“Nobles were warned not to comb their hair, clean their nails, scratch themselves or look for fleas in their breeches.”

“William Marshal had buried his first King. It would not be his last.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Kim continues faking Freddie being a child neglecter. What does Ben see in Sienna? Where is Tom and Peri’s child? This show is like a French farce. Reenie yanks on Porsche’s thong. Nico is jealous of Sienna and Ben. Lockie and fake Lisa flirt. Nico plots. Where is Grace? Why is Leela looking after Curtis? Why did Carly the drug addict not sell the £50,000 ring she stole? Trevor gets his door smashed down by the fuzz, again. Nana McQueen looks up Derek. Who? Nico shoves her mother into a grave and menaces her. Harry fancies Ste - why? Fake Lisa’s creepy friend resurfaces and makes her go back on the game.

Best Lines:
“That nutter.”

“You were the grass?”

“I don’t shove my knickers’ in the neighbours’ faces!”

“COPD - whatever that is.”

“Failed marriage - his fault. Fishy family.”

“Snotty nosed shelf stacker.”

“Low end burger bar.”

“We need to get to the bingo by 5.”

“You think you’re bullet proof.”

“Whatever heats my meat.”

“I’d rather have a bikini wax with duct tape.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Reign 2x05 + Agent Carter 1x05 Reviewed

Blood For Blood
Protestants are bothered. The new opening credits are good. The King and Queen of France don’t have dressers. Bash and Leith seem to be Francis’ only servants. The phrase Huguenot isn’t used. Francis is credulous and insufficiently cautious. The political situations in Scotland and England are mentioned. Conde and Narcisse yell. Kenna reads a sex journal. Francis is exhorted to do the right thing. The Queen’s ladies climb into a fountain uncaring of propriety or legionaries disease. The nanny gurns. Would anybody in this era use the word diaper? Francis is properly stupid and gets blackmailed. Castleroy reveals a secret. Greer wears a wildly anachronistic wedding dress. Tea is drunk. Was there tea then? Mary won’t stop talking. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Now they’re your children.”

“For holding unpopular beliefs.”

“Justice. For heretics?”

“It is also against the law not to worship as Rome requires.”

“Catholic rulers losing their thrones. I am in no rush to import that struggle to France.”
“Your Grace, it is already here!”
“Not openly. Not yet.”

“I have a brother. The King of Navarre.”

“I met them the other night. Very unpleasant.”

Nothing but paid brutes.”

“Revenge on revenge.”

“No one will thank you for it.”

“When they gain power and decide they want yours.”

The Iron Ceiling
Dottie is a product of the Black Widow programme the Red Room but neither phrase is used. Peggy and the Howling Commandos reunite - there are new members who act like they’ve been there all along. The derided Thompson has depth. Jarvis is a moral stain. Dottie is a disturbed trier. John Glover shows up as a reporter. There is a mention of Turing. Souza is onto Peggy. Souza properly hurts with some charisma. The Howard Stark main plot arc isn’t impressively propulsive. This was okay. So much for a potential Carter/Souza ship, ah well - everything is impermanent.

Best Lines:
“A weapon they don’t know how to build.”

“He is not mad. He is burdened.”

“Run Peggy run.”

“I hate you all.”

“Never speak again.”