August 30th, 2015

Hawkeye

Book Review: The Devil's Looking Glass

The Devil’s Looking Glass by Mark Chadbourn
Book 3 in the ‘Swords Of Albion’ trilogy is inept. I haven’t read books 1&2 but I get the gist. In an AU Elizabethan England, Famous spy Will Swyfte fights evil elves, obsesses over a long lost girlfriend, pisses off his friends and is astoundingly selfish. Surmising; Will Swyfte is an ass and I don’t care about him or his prancing, lying and deceitful failings.
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and a 2002 Tape Tale

‘Empire’ season 2 promo
Nope.

‘Under The Dome’ promo
This show sucks.

‘Narcos’ promo
Mmmm.

Microwave Butter Popcorn - yum.
Goats Cheese pannacotta with beetroot and port puree, pickled beets and a grated beetroot honeycomb - yum.
Blue Cheese Dressing - yum.

I am reading ‘Kitty Saves The World’.

Read a ‘Captain America: Civil War’ spoiler that annoys me.

P - please come home.

‘Side Effects’ Quote:
“An inability to construct a future.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“General prostitution.”

“She just gave up on us.”

“A history of not caring.”

“Winter times were brutal.”

“Dirty nasty snow.”

“You choose a tunnel.”

“You didn’t choose her.”

‘Dead Man’s Curve’ Quotes:
“All of society’s rejects in one spot.”

“Hey Jezebel!”

“You just escalated the situation and established yourself as a threat to me.”

“Hey, rich boy!”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass for your personal well being.”

“Do not, do not throw that bottle!”

“You’re taking a ride down to the security trailer.”

“Nobody ever liked you anyway.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Usually the first to leave or develop a drink problem.”

“A shy or serious one.”

“Every member of the audience will want to believe that they are the ones to mend it.”

“The lucky ones stayed out of rehab and made it to the lucrative reunion tour.”

“You do not vote and have no political opinions.”

~
On ‘Hollyoaks’: Tegan is back. How? Tom is abhorrent. Tony and Diane are menaced by Tegan. She’s unfair, disproportionate and poorly informed. Peri’s ready to drop. Tegan is disgruntled and she has malevolent agency. Ste and Sinead have a HIV scare. Scott babbles about tan towels. Cameron plots things. Harry ruins Tony’s BBQ. Scott lies. Tony calls Ste and Sinead’s relationship a joke. Tegan attacks Diane. Cameron lays it on thick. Diane is onto Scott. Tegan is a moron. Tony and Diane make out. Harry fancies Ste. Why? Ste overlooks the fact he is cheating on John-Paul with Sinead. Harry and Ste make out and Ste gets violent. Seriously? Tegan poisons Diane.

Diane collapses. Tom is awful. Ste and Harry fight. Sinead wears tiny shorts. Ste has forgotten Doug and John-Paul. Ste proposes to Sinead overlooking the fact that he is married to John-Paul. Where are Pete and Reenie? Peri wears her school uniform skirt up around her armpits. Tom berates her. Price Slice is the only shop in the village. Porsche picks on Celine. Scott disses the Spice Girls musical. Ste and Harry make out in Harry’s school. Inappropriate on so many levels. Tegan carries on poisoning Diane. What is Ste’s appeal? Ste and Harry get naked and Sinead walks in. Tom outs Cameron’s double murder.

Best Lines:
“You saturated me sausage.”

“You can forget that.”

“Kissed in that portaloo.”

“Spineless little coward.”

“Lying in a ditch somewhere.”

“We’re getting married.”
“What?”

“I’m getting married to Sinead now.”

“A poor gay urchin.”

“He’s an ex-con.”
“Who isn’t in this family?”

“Sling your hook you.”

“My one true ship.”

“Trap her in a loveless marriage.”

“You won’t be here for much longer.”

~
Cleared out a 2002 tape. It began with a season 3 ‘Angel’ ep ‘Loyalty’ in which the tracking is way off. Wesley obsesses over baby Connor’s safety. Holtz and Justine are redolent in their horribleness. Wesley talks to a plastic sign. Where is Cordelia? Wesley makes a deal with Holtz.

Then came a ‘Charmed’ ep ‘The Fifth Halliwheel’ in which Paige is jealous that her half-sisters have men. Nobody notices Cole is possessed by the Source. There are three sisters and only one bathroom. There is yap, yap, yap and Paige stares at Cole and badmouths him. SHUT UP BITCH! This was unrepresentative. There are demonic power brokers, Phoebe steals someone’s job as an advice columnist and Paige goes crazy and is unapologetic.

Best Lines:
“Sex can replace sleep.”

“Glowy.”

“New lingerie is in order.”

Then came a ‘Queen Of Swords’ ep ‘The Witness’ in which the run down hick town is protected by Tessa who isn’t recognised in her silk catsuit and tiny lace mask. Peter Wingfield isn’t in this ep. The big bad (Valentine Pelka) is menaced by another big bad (Bo Derek). The big bad’s sidekick (Anthony Lemke) shags the stupid Vera who can’t enunciate properly. Tessa is in peril. This was boring and the Queen of Swords performs her familiar function. This was uninteresting.

Finally there was a ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ season 6 ep ‘Normal Again’ in which the tracking was off. The Trio plot against Buffy. Xander shows up and the others dutifully ignore the pain he caused Anya. This ep prompted intense speculation. Spike annoys. Buffy may be in a madhouse and hallucinating Sunnydale. Her parents show up. Why do the gang still hang out with Andrew in the comics? Dawn whinges. Buffy freaks out and this could have been better.

Best Lines:
“Grand overblown conflicts.”

“You’re in a mental institution.”

“The central figure in a fantastic world.”

“They aren’t as comforting as they once were, are they?”

“Grand villains to battle against.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Covert Affairs 4x05-4x11+ Reign 2x01&2x02+ OnceUponATime 4x06&4x07 + Agent Carter 1x03&1x04 Reviewed

Here Comes Your Man
There are more clips of the future Annie/Calder confrontation. Joan sneers. Calder and his brash persona annoys. Auggie is slapped down. There are still no opening credits. Annie goes to the Vienna opera and meets an arms dealer (Simon Kassianides). This was unacceptable. Auggie thinks he is a seamless truth finding machine. He isn’t. Annie is a twit. Teo shows up and things go awry. Annie and Auggie exude smug. Henry is followed.

Best Lines:
“Comfort is not our goal.”

“He sang like a goat.”

“Extremely dead.”

~
Space (I Believe In)
Seth’s body has been found. Annie is the CIA liaison. Annie runs into an old foe. Calder annoys. Annie has forgotten Ben and Simon. Annie lies, Henry plots and the CIA are smug. There is nice stunt work. Annie will not stop lying. Annie and Auggie are jerks. Did they ever mourn Jai? Henry plots. Annie does shameful catastrophic things. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Ladybug red.”

“You have friends in low places Miss Walker.”

“Am I supposed to thank you?”

“There will not be another offer.”

~
Crackity Jones
Auggie’s wife (Michelle Ryan) isn’t dead. There are flashbacks to 2006 with Auggie and Helen. Auggie punches Arthur. Auggie sulks. Annie and Helen are sent on a mission. Annie and Auggie bore. Helen and Auggie bore. Auggie is really annoying. Michelle Ryan shows off her accents. Annie and Auggie break-up. Annie’s dramatic storming out is undercut by the fact she seems to have difficulty closing the door.

Best Lines:
“So she wasn’t really shot.”

“Nobody chooses to stay at Interpol.”

“I find them deeply concerning.”

“Made an emotional decision.”

~
I’ve Been Waiting For You
The Annie/Auggie crap drags on. Why was Henry in a jungle? Teo is in Scotland. Calder stirs the pot. Teo and Arthur have issues. Joan and her pee coloured hair and obvious roots bores. Henry learns something and Annie and Auggie’s crap catches up with them. This was bad.

Best Lines:
“The entire CCTV network in Europe.”

“A burn bag.”

“There’s malfeasance here.”

“I’m clarifying your role.”

“Carefully and quietly.”

“We made the wrong choice.”

“Suffer no consequences.”

~
Hang Wire
Henry, Annie and Teo are in Denmark. Auggie has an adversarial stance towards Calder and creates threats where none exist. Arthur, Joan and Annie self-generate problems. Stupidity is in plentiful supply. Arthur accosts a lawyer (Zuleikha Robinson of ‘The Lone Gunmen’ and ‘Lost’). Auggie refuses to have conscious perception of his faulty perception. Henry is companionate and then he isn’t. Joan is moronic. Auggie is a fool. There is death and Henry achieves his revenge because the ‘good guys’ were morons.

Best Lines:
“I don’t know what assumption you’re operating under.”

“You don’t trust me.”
“Not even a little.”

“Vengeance is mine.”

~
Levitate Me
Arthur is in deep deep trouble. Joan no longer matters and collapses. Henry gloats. There is more death and Henry regains cultural acceptance. This was okay. Annie and Calder finally have their confrontation and there is a twist which is spoiled by Oded Fehr’s name appearing in the cast list.

Best Lines:
“A one and done basis.”

“I don’t hear any typing.”

“Leave now Henry before I hurt you.”

“Target not receptive to approach.”

“Check that tone Anderson.”

“You might not be able to come back. Ever.”

“It had to be done.”

~
Dead
Annie’s faked her death and assumed a new identity as brunette biker chick Jessica. She’s after Jai’s mother. Joan is demoted. Calder loves his three piece suits. Auggie is wooden and unemotional and utters not a word of apology for being totally wrong about Calder. How does Auggie still have a job? Annie manipulates Jai’s mother. Wasn’t Jai’s mother a spy and that is how she met Henry? There is wooden acting and this was painfully dull. Annie batters a guy and it all goes awry.

Best Lines:
“Don’t even talk to me.”

“Why am I bleeding?”

“Pain induced questioning.”

“You’re weak.”

“Drugs?”
“No thanks.”

~
The Plague
The Black Death causes mortal fear. Francis goes looking for Lola and her bastard. Plague infiltrates the castle. Nostradamus looks very different. Nobody asks when he had the shave and haircut. Mary is mendacious. Greer snots. There is death and plotting. Mary plots, badly. Others plot better. Bash broods. Francis wants his bastard son. There are exposition dumps and this was okay.

Best Lines:
“Not this day.”

“Thank him and say goodbye.”

“Show your gratitude and grant me your silence.”

“You’re nobody now.”

“The next King after Francis.”

“You are nothing but a guest in this court without the support of your King.”

“Death already walks the halls.”

~
Drawn And Quartered
Who is engraving gravestones during a plague? Bash is made Francis’ advisor. Francis’ cousin, Conde, moves in. Mary is unhappy over Lola’s bastard. Has the plague suddenly passed? Mary and Francis share a bedroom which royalty didn’t do. Mary’s judicial murder comes back to haunt her. Nostradamus is accused. There is foreshadowing of Mary’s future overthrow and downfall. Mary makes stupid irrevocable decisions. Greer annoys. Mary doesn’t cover her hair despite being married and being Queen of France. Executions are demanded. There are ghosts. Who carved Henri’s tomb and when? Greer is abandoned. The seal of confessional is broken. Catherine abandons Nostradamus. Horrible deaths are avoided. Leith loses his land. Nostradamus leaves. Francis is called a usurper. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Your actions spared no one!”

“You command nothing!”

“He killed a Cardinal!”

“My lands feed your people.”

“After all I’ve done for you!”

“Ask your statue.”

“I don’t like you.”
“I don’t care.”

“All the wars and whores were nothing.”

~
Family Business
The Snow Queen was Emma’s foster mother. Belle just sits there and looks pretty whilst lying. Belle’s father was stolid and her mother died. Why did TPTB reconfigure the show to make it all about the boring Anna and Elsa? The proliferation of fantastical myths goes on. The acting consists of emotive hand gestures and wrung out whining. This ep was a joyless existence. Robin Hood waves a crossbow. Significant risk factors are indicated by tearful piano ballads. Rumpo is unstoppably horrid and full of petulance, arrogance and bad temper. This ep was full of limitations and clichéd meanderings. Anna has a deep honest implacable hatred for the Snow Queen Ingrid. This was crass, embarrassing and tacky.

Best Lines:
“An evil ice cream truck.”

“They’re quite nice.”

“I don’t think it’s a storm.”

“The war is not going well.”

“I know his name. And I dare not speak it.”

~
The Snow Queen
The origin of Ingrid’s unreal nostalgia and deep dissociation is shown. Robin Hood has delusional love for Regina. Emma is jealous of her baby brother. Snow White and Prince Charming and their dad sandals are terrible parents. There is foreshadowing of Dark Swan. There is bad SFX. The ‘goodies’ are manipulative, callous, superficial and loaded with judgement. This was all indignity with no sincerity or emotional connection. Emma’s powers go out of control leading to contrived drivel. The incontrovertible fact is that this was dumb. There is tragedy and passing passion and desire and awful people. This was less successful.

Best Lines:
“What dark sorcery is this?”

“Silly little things.”

“Devil box.”

“Your scary face on.”

~
Time And Tide
Jarvis is questioned by the SSR. Peggy suffers indignities. Dottie Underwood moves in. There is mention of a tide gate. Jarvis has a past. There is no threat present. Where’s the Tommy Lee Jones character. There is death and Jarvis gives viewers plentiful reasons to dislike him. This was mediocre.

Best Lines:
“Next one over.”

“Don’t be that guy.”

~
The Blitzkrieg Button
Howard Stark returns to spread more raw misery. Peggy’s landlady more or less calls her a ho. The chief interrogates a Nazi war criminal. Stark acts like he is in a ‘Carry On’ movie. Thompson looks good in his 1940s suits and slick hair. There is uncertainty as to where the plot is going. Peggy realises that Howard isn’t as shiny lovable package and that he and Jarvis have been lying to her. Lies and secrets are revealed. Peggy is disgusted. There is a reveal and a Stan Lee cameo. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“One who frequents taxi dance halls.”

“A man in a girdle.”

“The only thing missing are words.”

“Defend young women from compulsion.”

“It is unbecoming for a lady to read Freud.”

“You are disgusting.”

“A bum you found down the street.”

“Carol once put a whole chicken down her sweater.”

“These rolls keep for 3 days. 4 if it’s cold and you put em out on the windowsill.”

“Could you make me one of those that holds pickles?”

“All American cow.”

“Tell me your name and profession.”

“Your stink.”

“We got ourselves a conspiracy.”