August 27th, 2015

Scary Books

Book Reviews: Sword & Blood + Ringstones

Sword & Blood: Book One of the Vampire Musketeers by Sarah Marques
This came out in 2012 and so far there has been no more. Which is a shame as this was a great vampire AU take on Dumas’ creations. Athos is bitten by the evil Milady. D’Artagnan is in peril. Porthos and Aramis lumber around and Constance is a pagan. This has vampires, blood, magic and sex. It is not a happy and peaceful tale but full of anger and game playing. This was enjoyable. The author also wrote the ‘Musketeer Mysteries’ under the pen-name Sarah D’Almeida.

Best Lines:
“Every bush seemed to him a menace.”

“Wield it in honor and do not stain it with surrender.”

Ringstones by Sarban
This slim novella is a wordy, dated tale of ‘mordent horror’. It is full of spelling mistakes, a moronic heroine, purple prose and exposition dumps. This was dull and incoherent.

Best Line:
“If there is a bog-hole anywhere within reach you never do miss it,”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Gotham’ season 2 promo
James Frain, the Joker, guns and more villains. Yawn.

‘The Final Girls’ trailer
Teens end up in classic horror film ‘Camp Bloodbath’ and this looks funny!

Best Lines:
“Being chased by a psycho.”

“No sex!”

“Selfie time!”

‘Fear The Walking Dead’ trailer
A prequel to ‘The Walking Dead’ has flu shots, boring characters, running, blood and the end. Maybe.

Best Lines:
“How not to die.”

“Everyone was dead.”

“Safer from what?”

“Far away from what’s outside.”

“When civilization ends. It ends fast.”

‘The Walking Dead’ season 6 trailer
Rick’s dirty. Morgan is back. There is gore, walkers and Daryl choosing.

Best Lines:
“Rick is dangerous.”

“This is what life looks like now.”

“Don’t come back.”

‘The Dentist’ (1996) trailer
I’ve never seen the movie, the trailer was unsettling enough.

‘Emerald Point’ promo
WTF is this soap?

Microwave corn on the cob - okay.

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Now I’m afraid here.”

“Issues important to them, from animal welfare to the density of rubbish bins.”

‘The Man From UNCLE’ Quotes:
“If he’s dead, so are you.”

“Will you let me see Illya?”

“He was reassuringly unlikeable.”

“Everything I want I have.”

“You are a sly Russian.”

“I never heard of Raisin Rye.”

“Co-existence award.”

“It contains very important samples.”

“Chemical fungus.”

“I thought he died.”

“Involuntarily and bitterly retired.”

“Disreputable looking body.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Unsafe around him.”

“Violent and unstable.”

“Over-involved here.”

“Did you lose your temper in court?”

“Thrown the baby’s mobile across the room at her.”

“Tired of all his antics.”

“Meet me on the street.”

“Abusive drug addict.”

“You are a violent person.”

“More and more aggressive and hostile.”

“That’s interesting.”

“You should be afraid.”

“Do you want to debate that?”

“You don’t have insight.”

“Love shouldn’t bleed, bruise or hurt.”

“Excuse making wife.”

“I’m not a mean person.”

“What you acknowledge.”

“I would not like that.”

Richard Pryor Quotes:
“Thank god we got penitentiaries.”

“Why did you kill everybody in the house? Because they was home.”

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“Journalists should now be armed.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Celine continues being mental. Leela is wholly self serving. TPTB recall that Leela is a fire-fighter. Grace wants Kim dead, sadly Kim lives. Dylan was in the police van that hit Esther and Kim. Celine steals drugs from the hospital. Why wasn’t Dylan handcuffed? The car goes on fire. Esther isn’t dead either. Ziggy visits Tegan in the slammer. The spirituality neutral Tegan is full of lasting toxicity. Ziggy is all inaction and passivity. There are no moral visionaries in Chester. Tegan isn’t sorry. Will Kim start stalking Leela now?

Dylan collapses. Trevor is sad. Lindsey and Dr S’avage are the only doctors in Chester. Kim won’t shut up. Frankie insists that Curtis’ name is Stefan Bloom. Frankie is vile. Esther is unreasonable. Curtis isn’t her child! Grace says that her dead sister and father were terrible people. Celine is inept. Leela has a perforated eardrum from immense air pressure. Dylan has liver lacerations. Kim is awful and Esther finally notices. Dylan is murdered by the blue hand killer. Tegan is in hospital. Trevor cries.

Lisa is in the opening credits now and Dylan is gone. Trevor and Nico yell. Dr S’avage wonders why Dylan died. Tom gives sleazy glances. Trevor broods and cries. Curtis is in the hospital for some reason. Trevor still looks like he just escaped from prison. Grace is dispassionate. Nico is full of lingering unpleasantness. Tegan has no indication of sense. Celine collapses. Trevor takes Curtis, again. Frankie and Jack try to stop him. Esther calls Curtis her son. Tegan is appalling. Chester has a democratic deficit. Celine is on drugs and has a fatal presumption about Leela. Remember when Kim was the normal sister? Tom wants Peri to keep the baby and blackmails Cameron. Trevor makes a deal with Esther and throws Grace out blaming her for Dylan’s death. Grace menaces Trevor who threatens murder.

Best Lines:
“The way you look at me. It’s worse than being ignored.”

“Mental cow.”

“Trevor, are they dead?”

“McQueen loon.”

“I hope you never wake up Kim.”

“How insensitive can you be?”

“Your stupid face.”

“Six months. You did this.”

“I am a proper man.”

“Heavy, masculine stuff.”

“Make sure you do.”

“Go and assess yourself.”

“Like dangerous crazy.”

“I don’t have any family left.”

“She’s that unhinged.”

“His old tranny one.”
“What have I ever done to you?”

“He won’t survive in there.”

“Now save him.”

“There is no we.”

“One in. One out.”

“You killed him!”

“You love me right?”

“You really don’t know me very well.”
Illya K

The Walking Dead 5x14 + The A Team (1983 - 1987) 5x06 + Hannibal 3x12 Reviewed

Gabriel is aghast. Eugene wanders around in bad shorts and has drollery. The gang behave in a manner that is in no way acceptable. Carol is unhesitatingly awful. Rick and co assert moral superiority over Alexandria. People get into mortal peril. Carol is paranoid and this ep gave not one scintilla of enjoyment.

Best Lines:
“You think they can fall?”

“Not if I don’t go.”

“None of these are problems.”

“All of you, you should have listened.”

“I take no responsibility for this.”

“Why wouldn’t he be?”

“False light is here inside these walls.”

“They’re not good people.”

“There’s only one way it can go.”

The Say UNCLE Affair
This was infamously awful stringent ratings bait back in 1987. The A Team travel to Siberia and steal a stealth plane for no clear reason. Their blackmailing boss General Hunt Stockwell (Robert Vaughn and his scary 80s sunglasses) smugs and then his old Russian CIA buddy Ivan (David McCallum - all the way with Illya K) shows up. Ivan sounds British not English. Is Hunt a good guy or a bad guy? TPTB never got to reveal that as the show was cancelled. Oddly Vaughn has never popped up on ‘NCIS’. Hunt and Ivan’s reunion goes awry due to gun pulling, frisking and knock out gas.

Hunt is menaced by Ivan. The A Team and some annoying barrio kid Frankie hang out and need to save Hunt or their promised pardon goes away. Ivan menaces Hunt more - ‘The Man From UNCLE’ had a more positive portrayal of Soviets in 1964. Ivan and Hunt were partners and trusted friends at the CIA for 10 years but something went awry. Vaughn overacts. The A Team are sexist jerks. This ep was kinda crap and only McCallum bothers to act. Outdated computer tech is looked up, Mad Dog sings. Ivan looks like Ducky with his bow-tie and glasses. McCallum is very cute and in a noteworthy scene kicks Frankie’s ass.

Hunt doesn’t even know where the jet is. Something happened to Hunt and Ivan in Cuba and affected them greatly but we never find out what. Ivan has just gone to the bad. The A Team fakes an earthquake. Robert Vaughn is hard faced. Hunt and the A Team are the ones in the wrong here. There is gunfire and precipitous action. Hunt goes after the cold, precise presence Ivan. Is Ivan Trigorin dead? We never find out. There is no emotional investment in this ep and it was insulting and kind of meaningless.

Best Lines:
“What does it do?”
“It tells time.”

“Open Channel D.”

“The world has changed quite a bit.”

“Trouble is the best motivator I know.”

“A lighthouse operation.”

“Auto theft is not nice.”

“The superficial relationships.”

“Code Name: Brown Fox.”

“Read it and destroy it.”

“Secrets still exist. Some even from you.”

“Only one of us is coming back.”

“It belongs to the garbage man!”

“Madonna stood in there naked.”

“I’ll break you.”

“Such a deep state of delusion.”

“I would have killed you myself.”

“Hey fool. Shut up.”

“That day might come very soon.”

“I won’t sign the death certificate until after I sift through the wreckage.”

The Number Of The Beast Is 666
Human powder keg of anger Will broods and has anger problems and talks to Bedelia to resolve his unclarity. Jack never apologised to Will. Alana piles on the gothic make up. Chilton resurfaces. Hannibal keeps getting published. Freddie is convincingly awful. The Red Dragon is insulted. Francis bores and grabs Chilton and gives him a slide show. Hannibal is the proximate cause of everything. Chilton suffers more. Francis menaces his girlfriend. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Is Hannibal in love with me?”

“Lest we forget the lamb.”

“Bound in a pit.”

“It didn’t hold up to scrutiny.”
“Of course it didn’t! I was lying! On your behalf!”

“The freak value of your byline”

“Nobody will be afraid of you anymore.”

“Ugly and impotent.”

“Fear is not what you owe me.”

“There is much for you to dread.”

“He wanted the world to know his face.”
“And now he doesn’t have one.”