August 23rd, 2015

Pretty Smart

Angel & Faith Issues 10x16&10x17 Reviewed

Those Who Can’t Teach, Teach Gym part one
I can’t believe I missed this. Faith has got an apartment. Doesn’t she mean a flat? She goes to investigate odd goings on at a school which is called a prep school for some reason. She goes undercover as the PE teacher which she calls the gym teacher. This was okay.

Best Line:
“Your angsty teen conflict.”

Those Who Can’t Teach, Teach Gym part two
Faith and Fred continue to investigate weird goings on at the school. The school dinner apparently includes jell-o which nobody in the UK calls jell-0. The duo uncovers vampires and a familiar face. This was okay.

Best Line:
“Anything else is nutter talk.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Dinotrux’ promo

‘Orange Is The New Black’ promo

‘Mad Men’ clip
Sally watches ‘The Man From UNCLE’ on a cheap ass TV but is interrupted by malign involvement.

‘We Are your Friends’ TV spot

‘American Bully’ trailer
A disturbed young man and his friends do stuff. No.

‘Evil Things’ trailer
Looks annoying and full of screaming.

‘Adam Chaplin’ trailer
A rubber demon and this looks cheap and 80s.

‘Descendents’ trailer
Cheap looking with vampires.

‘Trapped Ashes’ trailer
Looks 80s with sex, monsters, blood and killer titties.

‘Breadcrumbs’ trailer
Idiots are menaced by weirdoes in this take on ‘Hansel & Gretel’. Maybe.

Best Line:
“That was just a little creepy.”

‘We Are Your Friends’ trailer

‘Legend’ trailer
Tom Hardy is the Krays. I preferred the version with Martin and Gary Kemp.

‘Hitting The Apex’ trailer

‘Point Break’ trailer
Stop remaking things!

‘No Escape’ TV spot

Mature cheddar & red onion kettle crisps - mmm.
Gluten free chocolate chip biscuit breaks - okay.
Salted caramel chocolate spread - nice.

Banky’s Dismalland looks weird.

When I was in Monterey I saw Grey whales. I remember that.

Another squirrel came to eat. And then another!

I will review ‘Gentleman Jole and The Red Queen’, ‘The Forgotten Room’, ‘The Mammoth Book of the Mummy’, ‘The Alchemy of Chaos’, ‘A Pocket Full Of Lies’, ‘The Doll Collection’, ‘The Falling’ and ‘The Perfectionists’.

I won’t read ‘Glorious Angels’, ‘The House of Shattered Wings’, ‘Deceptions’ or ‘Earthly Joys’.

I won’t review ‘Once Upon A Time’ 4x04 ‘The Apprentice’ or 4x05 ‘Breaking Glass’.

I won’t bother with ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ issue 10x18.

The Goldbergs’ Quotes:
“Thank you. No.”

“You do know none of this is real?”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Seduced him all the way to the altar.”

“Helping herself to my future.”

“She still hasn’t apologised.”

“Hateful voicemails.”

“How not sorry she was.”

“Not your man.”

“I can’t do things sexually.”

“Didn’t have repentance.”

“Why do I have to be here for this?”

“Bitch face.”

“Hatred and the anger.”

“How are you self-righteous and sanctimonious?”

“Made being a bitch a lifestyle.”

“Does the turkey fly or what?”

“That didn’t need to go on.”

‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ season 9 Quotes:
“People bones?”
“We have them.”

“So what will it look like?”

“We’re begging for help from something, and it’s not dirt.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Why have Reenie and Pete taken over Myra’s house? Sienna and Nico and their GHD hair shack up with Ben. Darren plans to propose to Maxine. Esther wakes up. Frankie slaps Grace and disrepsects her. Nancy doesn’t bring up Craig and Sarah to John-Paul but she should. Where was Matthew when Porsche was throwing John-Paul, Lockie and Mercedes out of the house and showering them with suitcases? Nancy and Darren aren’t divorced. Aren’t Patrick and Maxine divorced? Where is Mitzeee?

Pete sneers. John-Paul, Mercedes and Lockie plot. Grace wants Dylan gone. Why was Claire killed off and replaced with her never before mentioned sister Grace? Lockie tries to get Porsche to forgive him by using highly inappropriate words in an echo of Pete. Porsche is disgusted, Pete reacts and Lockie has no idea why what he’s said is so awful.

Lockie claims to be misunderstood. Patrick broods by a cliff. John-Paul ignores his son. He and Mercedes aren’t sorry. Reenie threatens Mercedes with a cricket bat. Pete feels up Porsche. Maxine somehow finds Patrick by the cliff. Patrick is faking being sorry. Where is Theresa? Patrick soberly decides not to hand himself in. Dylan stomps off. Darren berates Maxine and makes ultimatums. Darren is awful. Cameron, Leela and Peri all rant. Porsche sings ‘Shake If Off’ off-screen.

Boyband-haired Dylan pouts. Maxine is in a slippery moral area. Frankie and Jack coo over Esther. Esther’s problems are trivialised. This is an endless melodrama where nothing is at stake. Maxine is described as kind; everyone forgets how she used to wear FM shoes and mock people. Dylan plots with Kim. Maxine leaves Darren to be Patrick’s carer.

Best Lines:
“Mercedes owes me a tenner!”

“That drug pushing boy of yours.”

“But Lockie?”

“Not my Ste. Not anymore.”

“Why are you dressed like a gigolo?”

“I didn’t stick my finger in any pie.”

“Don’t make me the enemy.”

“Those 3 skanks.”

“Lord of the underworld.”

“They hate all of us!”

“You disgust me.”

“Mum! I killed someone!”

“Locked in a youth offenders!”

“You’re scaring me.”
“I’m glad.”

“He can’t be here.”

“Would you marry me?”
“I did. Twice.”

“Get naked and feed me pizza.”

“You will not win on this.”

“She can have him.”

“You deserve to be alone.”

“Spreading lies about us.”

“Having a séance with the underworld.”

“Kim never wanted you or the baby.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: The Outsiders + Whispers From The Abyss, part 1

The Outsiders edited by Joe Mynhardt
This anthology of stories about a gated community that worships Lovecraftian horrors is terrible and dull. Nothing about this was qualitative.

Best Lines:
“You have the psycho-mum who talks to the thing.”

“Probably wondering what kind of marine biologist would join a cult.”

“The Nameless One with the silly name is doing its thing.”

Whispers From The Abyss edited by Kat Rocha, part 1
Another anthology of Lovecraft inspired fiction.

A kidnapped scientist is set to work making monsters. Excellent.

Pushing Back
A short creepy tale of a police interrogation. Okay.

Nation Of Disease: The Rise and Fall of A Canadian Legend
A short creepy account of a doomed band and their disturbing music. Good.

When We Change
A brief and chilling sequel to ‘Shadow Over Innsmouth’. Excellent.

A tale of a parasite. Unadorned.

Secrets In Storage
A man buys the contents of a storage locker and uncovers spooky stuff. This was excellent.

The Well
A man’s down a well but so are other things. Okay.

The Neon Morgue
A shamelessly manipulative tale of an often awful future. This was not deeply unsettling or quietly devastating drama, just insubstantial.

Fear and Loathing In Innsmouth: Richard Nixon’s Revenge
Hunter S Thompson goes to Innsmouth to find dirt on Nixon. His ranting like a Dadaist improvisational noise experiment rarely registers in respectable media. This was good apart from the 60s ideological fixations.

Best Lines:
“Squalid, shifty bastard.”

“This is fish country.”

My Friend Fishfinger By Daisy, Age 7
A young girl writes about her ‘best friend’ unaware of the lies, evasions and layers of deceit around her. This was sweet, wistful and heartsick.

Chasing Sunset
A misbegotten son plots a cultural uprising against his father. Okay.

I Do The Work Of The Bone Queen
This unlovely mindless tale was not emotionally charged.

Suck It Up, Get It Done
A hilariously exasperated sewer worker finds what utterly vile things lurk in the pipes. Good.

Movie Reviews: Forget Me Not + The Man From U.N.C.L.E

Forget Me Not aka Haunted Souls (2009)
A group of no names star in this okay horror. A coma victim has her legs shaved for some reason. Elsewhere inexplicably awful teenage friends party. The boys all have ape drape hair and are difficult to tell apart. The girls are all slutty. They play in a graveyard at night that is extremely bright. Weirdness takes place. Only Sandy notices that her friends are dying and being forgotten. There are flashbacks, shoplifting and people go to investigate the scary noises. Nobody acts in an impartial, objective manner. A grotty pool is a red herring. Sandy’s hysteria doesn’t help her case. Nothing happens in a coherent and logical manner. Reality warps and things go badly for everyone. Flashbacks finally reveal how youth culture set all this in motion and there is a cold ending.

Best Lines:
“I’m dating her. Faithfully.”


“Does that wash off?”

“What are you, Irish?”

“This is our game!”

“Is nobody bothered by this?”

“You’re trash.”

“Nobody’s on drugs.”

“Who did this?”

“Sandy doesn’t have any friends.”

The Man From U.N.C.L.E (2015)
This was a boring borderline terrible movie based on the classic 1960s TV show. Loathsome CIA spy Napoleon Solo tangles with brooding KGB lug Illya Kuryakin. Then they team up to fight Nazis. This was too long, too full of itself, too self aware and you don’t care. The ‘stars’ lack the style and gravitas of their TV counterparts. Their characters and relationship bear no resemblance to their TV counterparts. Jared Harris and Hugh Grant pop up. The ignorant belligerent Solo is a Ken doll. Illya has regular psychotic epsiodes and this was unfailingly tedious and unpleasant.

Best Line:
“They had soft bones.”

Outer Limits(1963-1965) 1x05 + CovertAffairs 4x03&4x04 +Agent Carter (2015-2016 ) 1x01&1x02 Reviewed

The Sixth Finger
A scientist advances the evolution of a man (David McCallum) by 20,000 years which leads to him being covered in rubber makeup and having no social decorum. This was black and white and blurry. It all began in a Welsh village when Cathy brought bread to the local mad scientist who had a monkey who can file. Cathy liked the reluctant miner Gwyllm who is all dirty and brunette. Cathy took Gwyllm to the mad scientist’s house and so began the over-reach of humanity and the consequences there of. McCallum is hot when all the coal dust is cleaned off him but then he got into a machine and a lever is moved and Gwyllm evolves and the make up is piled on. Gwyllm became borderline sociopathic, the Michael Caine looking mad scientist was useless and could only gawk as Gwyllm played piano. This was dull, limited and ineffective.

Best Lines:
“Your ignorance makes me ill and angry.”

“Where are we going?”

“What wonders or terrors does evolution hold in store?”

“Old and misty valley.”

“Can you do that with people too?”

“If I have to beat it into you.”

“He annoys me terribly.”

“Spreading discontent and acting myself superior.”

“The most backward place in the world.”

“Create the man of the future.”

“Our biological future.”

“Useless like the others.”

“Books about everything!”

“What have I got to sing about?”

“He’s not to be laughed at!”

“Man produces little that is lasting.”

Into The White
Teo’s secret is revealed. Joan breaks into Seth’s house to clean it. Calder (Hill Harper) and his libertarian paranoia bores. Auggie contradicts himself. Calder is a prejudicial moron. Teo is combative. Joan uses fair means and foul to get a job. This was haphazard.

Best Lines:
“Lose his moral compass.”

“Wipe the scene.”

“That’s not relevant.”

“You preyed on her sense of loyalty.”

“Sorry for kicking you.”

“Or something very bad will happen.”

Rock A My Soul
How does Annie afford such pricey shoes? Annie spies on a couple. Are Arthur and Joan divorced or what? Their marriage issues bore and have since season 1. This was not new and fresh. Henry plots. Auggie and Annie are morons and the indisputable point is that this ep sucks. Auggie consistently disappoints. Are we supposed to feel relentlessly sad for him? Cos no. Calder shows up to annoy.

Best Lines:
“You still need a story.”

“Filling out exit paperwork.”

“Too many people know too many things.”

“Your loyal silence.”

“My only child is dead and I didn’t get so much as a sympathy card from you.”

“I blame you for Jai’s death.”

“You can leave now.”

Now Is Not The End
It is 1946 and Peggy is in NY for some reason. She pretends to work at the phone company but works for the SSR (Strategic Scientific Research). Howard Stark (Dominic Cooper) is in trouble. Women are expected to get married and stay at home. Peggy chafes against this. There are clips from ‘Captain America: The First Avenger’. Peggy’s co-worker Thompson (Chad Michael Murray of ‘House Of Wax’ and ‘One Tree Hill’) is an ass. But her other co-worker Sousa (Enver Gjokaj of 'Dollhouse') is nice. Peggy also befriends a waitress named Angie (Lyndsey Fonesca of ‘Nikita’).

Peggy looks into who framed Howard Stark and enocunters a mysterious baddie (James Frain). Stark’s butler Jarvis helps Peggy look for weaponized stuff. ‘Fringe’ is knocked off. Something called Leviathan is coming. Also Jarvis and Stark may not be trustworthy. This was okay and already is far better than ‘Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D

Best Lines:
“Is it the shoes?”

“He got his personality shot off.”

“Love the hat.”

“My bad babies.”

“Why invent them at all?”

“You’re not going to like the future, such as it is.”

“The Nazis fed us better than this.”

Bridge and Tunnel
Peggy hates a bad radio show based on her and Captain America. Thompson shows off his sleek haircut. Peggy can’t let her SSR co-workers know she is looking into the Stark case so it’s all a bit season 1 ‘Alias’. Ray Wise pops up as an industrialist. There is mention of Project Rebirth and a confrontation. There is death, a symbol and Thompson gets violent. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Thrillingly realistic.”

“Oh, don’t be lewd.”

“Get wiggling.”

“What a beautiful day to mend these pants.”

“We’re gonna need a new stick.”

“Nazi scum.”

“That’s suspicious.”

“Proper young ladies.”

“Moral guidance.”