August 18th, 2015

Scary Books

Book Review: Dare Me

Dare Me by Megan Abbott
From the author of the dumb ‘The Fever’ and the excellent ‘The End of Everything’ comes this tale of disturbing teenage girls with an unnerving ability to icily harass each other and set tragedy in motion. The girls blaze with bitterness and knowingly appraise their new coach and plot her ruin. People are pathologically unable to tell the truth or not obsess over cheerleading or have any stupefying shame for their hammy self regarding aggression. This was clunky, vulgar, brutal and joyless.

Best Lines:
“In the end all the things you think matter are just disappointment and noise.”

“We’re an excuse society now.”

“All tits and eyeliner.”

The Last Ship 2x07 + Zoo (2015 - 2017) 1x01 + The Americans 3x08 Reviewed

Alone And Unafraid
The XO is all preposterous uncontrolled fury. The gang try to ingratiate themselves with the immunes. This was excruciatingly inexplicably boring and was full of minor irritations, self serving hypothetical risk and a general mood of intolerance. The POTUS may be ideologically aligned with the immunes and their fraudulent justifications. There is irritation and woe, gunfights and this was in general a chaotic disappointment. The plague carrier is hauled off along with the POTUS by Chandler and his gang. There are infected toys and the POTUS is entrenched in Sean’s beliefs. I was unimpressed.

Best Lines:
“Is that really the President?”

“Shut it all of you! Shut it!”

“Whatever you say Duck Dynasty.”

“You dirt bag.”

“Get in dirt bag!”

“And for what?”

“We cannot lauch the helo until we are into the mouth of the harbour.”

First Blood
Cecil’s revenge!
This world spanning ‘thriller’ has ridiculous opening credits and bad CGI. A reporter/blogger wages a hate campaign against a biotechnology firm. She is a dead-eyed millennial with a shag and go boyfriend. An anti-hunting duo in Botswana encounters weird lion activity. The script is particularly dim. Virtue is signalled. The bitter and nebulous ranting reporter encounters a remote and mysterious vet pathologist (Billy Burke of ‘Revolution’ and ‘Twilight‘ doing his best impersonation of David McCallum in ‘NCIS‘).

There is no pervasive sense of gloom. This was garbled, rambling and full of banalities. The characters are uncharismatic and have absurd telly names. One character is chewed on by lions and the other encounters a harridan survivor. I abhorred this. Whilst looking for a missing cat named Cupcake, the reporter and pathologist find a tree full of cats. Wild allegations are hurled. The only interesting character is not dead yet but is probably suffering from a raging infection. This was so dumb.

Best Lines:
“The animals decided no more.”

“Baboon dung.”

“I do not accept that explanation.”

“The girl with the genie tattoo.”

“I had to look it up.”

“Always come back to their food source.”

“What is it?”
“Lion dung.”

“Really dude.”

“Stop chasing the unicorn that killed Kennedy.”

“Something fell down on us from a tree.”

“How does one get eaten to death?”

“Why is that important right now?”

“It doesn’t just happen.”

“Females, their offspring and one or at most two males.”

“We do not want to be here when night falls.”

Nina is inveigled to do more. Philip and Elizabeth have prisoners. Martha is questioned by an intimidator and lies. She doesn’t cower quietly. There is a confrontation. A tense stony silence would be preferred. I’m demotivated from caring. People have an obsessive interest in being awful. Toxic people have no moral stature. There are more slights and inattentions to Paige. Philip and Elizabeth have an idealised view of their identity. Nina is ordered to do something. Gaad attacks the mail robot. Old faces return. There is a jerk and Martha confronts Clarke over the stupid pen. Does Martha buy Clarke’s crap? I’ve forgone all interest.

Best Lines:
“Not a supply pen.”

“Is this relevant?”

“Are you asking if I’m resentful?”

“You don’t know people like him!”

“I will never forgive you.”

“He’s you.”

“Is that enough?”

Movie Reviews: Zero Dark Thirty + 16 others

Zero Dark Thirty (2012)
This has no emotional tone. Various agitated people spew vitriol as they hunt bin Laden. Chris Pratt is a Navy SEAL among other brutishly untameable homo-stylish SEALS. Mark Strong and John Barrowman are men in suits. The super-strait-laced CIA agent Maya (Jessica Chastain) does a lot of wordless staring. Her friend gets blown up with no eulogising. Kyle Chandler, James Gandolfini and Harold Perrineau feature. There are carefully curated visuals and solipsists. The climax is all stoicism and is not triumphal. This was mediocre.

Best Lines:
“Pre 9-11 understanding.”

“Keeping me from getting ass-raped in a Pakistani prison.”

“Black hawk down in the animal pit.”

“Can you pop it manually?”

“A negative breach.”

“Do not leave a hard drive.”

“Where do you want to go?”

Disclosure (1994)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)

The Punisher (2004)
The Punisher (Thomas Jane) takes on a revolting criminal (John Travolta). This has no happy resonance.

Murder By Numbers (2002)
A cop (Sandra Bullock) takes on evil teenagers. Okay.

Pretty Woman (1990)

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (1999)

Star Wars: Attack Of The Clones (2002)

Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith (2005)
Risibly egregious piss.

Knocked Up (2007)
Sexist tosh.

Green Street (2005)

30 Days Of Night (2007)
Ok but I wish Danny Huston had eaten Josh Hartnett.

Ghost Ship (2002)

Forget Paris (1995)
Debra Winger gets a bird stuck in her hair! Har har har, not.

The Mummy Returns (2001)

Best Line:
“The next apocalypse!!!”

The Recruit (2003)
To Light The Way To Bed

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘You, Me and the Apocalypse’ promo
Looks interesting.

‘Ballers’ promo

‘City Slickers’ (1991) trailer

‘Unstrung Heroes’ promo

‘The Exorcist III’ promo

‘The Bad Education movie’ TV spot
Befouling cinemas soon.

Best Line:
“Who’s up for strip club?”

Light Tahini - ugh.
Harissa chilli sauce - no.
Eucalyptus & Peppermint mints - nice.

I will review season 2 ‘Reign’.

Jasmine Grapefruit soap smells nice.

Covert Affairs’ cancelled!

Springhares are cure.

‘Trailer Park Fae’ Quote:
“Old age measured in geologic spans.”

‘The Man From Uncle’ Quote:
“You have something that belongs to me. A friend of mine.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Daddy is allowed to do whatever he wants. Take risks. Get hooked on drugs. Leave.”

“No, you can’t.”

“A guilt that’s self-generated and condoned.”

“A completely different standard of parenthood.”

“Mind-buckling notion.”


“Unimprovabale name.”

“Anomic, angular.”

“My woman would never dress like that.”

“Odious lady banter.”

“Curiously sexless.”

“Fights in loos.”

“Similarly cantankerous tones.”

“Distracting, dismissive and obstructive.”

“Cod-medieval jingo.”

“Rancid history.”

“The groom fell in love with a hooker and called the marriage off.”

“Being thrown out of clubs.”

“There’s an implicit coercion.”

“What is the attraction of taken men?”

“We want to take him to a titty bar.”

“You are a major loser.”

“Hen weekend - not naff.”

“Unpleasant and almost certainly inaccurate sexual advice.”

“Warm, encouraging, sarcasm - free applause.”


“Satirical aggression.”

“Corrosive and contaminating obscenity.”

“Feral hens don’t last long.”

“Garum was Roman ketchup made from rotted fish guts.”

“Dude food.”

“A long series of threats and vicious letters.”

“Needed enemies to demonise.”

“Braid bars.”

“A moronic woman screeching for attention.”

“A very cold way.”

“Spreads Chlamydia.”

“Myth of victimisation.”

“Connected to him only.”

“Virtual slags.”

“Beard fleas.”

“Grit and determination.”


‘Father Ted’ Quotes:
“Big cheating bastard.”

“More water.”

“What remains of your lives.”

“Lick some arse.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Even here I’m a pariah.”

“Your logic trail.”

“That is not healthy thinking.”

“Having conversation with your father who’s been dead since 07.”

“Your whore mother.”

“You can be helped.”

“Long deep psychotic depression.”

“Do you need help?”

“You then set the house on fire.”

“I wasn’t thinking anything.”

“Did you have an emotion at the time?”

“You had a knife with you?”

“Severe anxiety.”

“Breaks with reality.”

“He laughs inappropriately.”

“I didn’t talk to her that much.”

“What way did she fail you?”

“You stopped taking baths.”

“Did your mother notice?”

“Did you swing hard?”

“Why so many?”

“His low flat and distinctly monotone voice.”

“Putting voices in my head.”

“This circumstance.”

“It’s not probable but it’s possible.”

“Did some bath salts.”

“I put 20 grand in the mailbox.”

“There is a chip somewhere in my body.”

“Started kicking out the windshield.”

“Shoot his gun off.”

“Electronic harassment.”

“Shooting up the signs.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“When did everyone get so annoying? When did everyone get so full of themselves? When did everyone get so angry? When did everyone get so stupid?”

“Desperation or naivety.”

“Abandonment issues.”

“Deranged by egotism.”

“Categorically refuted.”


On ‘Hollyoaks’: Nobody cares about stupid Cleo. Pete tells Cleo that everyone will blame her if she tells and the worse thing is, he’s right. Everyone blamed Porsche when she told. Diane returns. Since when are Maxine and Darren friends with Ben? Nobody has moral scruples. Porsche is a pit of rage and hollers a lot. Harry lies. Darren thinks Sienna killed Carly. Hannah is christened. Lockie and Mercedes hump in the middle of Chester. Sinead remembers Katy. Where is John Paul? Porsche rages. Tony and Harry call the McQueens slags. Ste forgets the existence of Leah, Lucas and John Paul. Lockie claims to love Porsche. Scott lies. Reenie called two of children Cleopatra and Porsche? Ugly clothes are worn as are grotty hair extensions. Ste and Harry pine. Reenie and Pete give Cleo some of Reenie’s birth control pills in a truly grotesque moment. Porsche finally learns about Lockie and Mercedes.

Best Lines:
“You’ll lose us all.”

“Playboy jr.”

“My perfect little family.”

“Angry drunk, a total mess.”

“A dirty skank.”

“He’s only got two months to live cos of Dengue fever.”

“I’ll never be a sleaze.”

“You don’t even need a lock.”