August 16th, 2015

Pretty Smart

Trailers, Quotes and a 2006 Tape Tale

‘Doctor Who’ series 9 trailer
Loud and annoying. Daleks, Missy and Capaldi riding horses and diving out a window. This looks ugly and will Clara just die?!?

‘Hitman: Agent 47’ TV spot

Best Line:
“They want our dna to build an army.”

‘Charmed’ promo ‘Forever Charmed’
The last ever ep. Yeah!

‘Teen Mom 2’ promo
Mutual bitter hostility and no moral authority.

‘The Trials Of Jimmy Rose’ promo
This ITV drama looks okay.

Best Line:
“I’m done with being a good boy.”

Made some more gluten free cupcakes - yum.
Gluten free strawberry tart - yum.
Gluten free beef roll - yum.
Fresh lemon dairy free frozen goodness - not so hot.

I won’t read ‘Shattering The Ley’ or ‘She Walks In Darkness’.

‘Loving You’ Barbie from 1983 is fugly.

Abz looks rough.

‘Victoria Derbyshire’ Quote:
“I regret certain things.”

Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“You’re the dirt bag she’s referring to?”

“Exponentially more true.”

“Unemployed people don’t turn down jobs!”

“You made the problem.”

“Her ruined reputation.”

“She has a new weave.”

‘Charmed’ Quotes:
“I want your screams.”

“She’s not our concern.”

“Really great good.”

‘V For Vendetta’ Quotes:
“But I’d rather die behind the chemical sheds.”

“What you have are bullets and the hope that when your guns are empty I’m no longer standing because if I am, you’ll all be dead before you’ve reloaded.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Kim and Dylan are still in the opening credits. Lockie has no accountability. Sinead does not seem to mourn baby Katy. Lockie serves Porsche a rancid breakfast. Mercedes is jealous of Porsche. Pete and his loutish behaviour pervs over Cleo. Sinead wants to hook up Scott and Harry overlooking the age difference. Celine is thick.

Porsche is thick and thankless. Lindsey visits Joe. Has she ever apologised for the cheating and inexplicably deciding Freddie was her soul mate? Sinead torments Nico. Pete and Reenie ruin Porsche’s party. Ste and Harry flirt. Where is John Paul? What happened to John Paul’s love of music? Pete corners Cleo. Sinead locks Harry and Ste in a portaloo. Nico and Dylan fall out. Why are we supposed to feel sorry for the dim Cleo?

Pete is in his vest in post cotial bliss with Cleo. Mercedes has to shag Lockie at Porsche’s birthday party because she’s a slag. Holly sticks her nose in as Cleo goes looking for the morning after pill. Harry and Ste flirt. John Paul finally shows up. WTF is Porsche wearing? Harry is 17 - why would he want Ste? Lockie calls Porsche his narky wife and berates her for not being fun Porsche. Maybe that is because she told you she was abused by Pete and you went out drinking beer with him the next day?

A vicar visits and Sinead puts on a posh accent. Mercedes and John Paul laugh at Porsche at her party. Lockie shags Porsche and then ditches the party to head off to shag Mercedes and doesn’t seem to wash his junk in-between. This family are awful. Ste calls Scott “trash”. Takes one to know one. A confrontation blows up when Porsche espies the morning after pill leaflet. Dylan fondles Grace’s negligee.

Best Lines:
“A Reenie free zone.”

“Let’s all feel sorry for Reenie.”

“He’s not got your record.”

“I’ve seen nicer looking stuff up Nana’s nostril.”

“I’m sweating more than mum going through customs.”

“That Dylan’s a drug dealer.”

“He’s nothing like his dad.”

“Spend 69p on that spoilt cow?”

“Boob flash the barman.”

“I’m trash.”

“He’s in the bogs.”


“Almost as cheap as you.”

Cleared out a 2006 tape. It began with the last ever ‘Invasion’ ep ‘The Last Wave Goodbye’. Where did Carlita and her cat carrier go? The hybrids plan a mass transformation which is stopped. Why is nobody wondering where Carlita is? There is a next stage after hybrids. There is bad CGI. Someone is shot. This was absolutely appalling. Larkin is taken into the water by Underlay.

Then came a ‘Smallville’ ep ‘Fade’ in which Lois the whore, Clark, Chloe and the Kents continue to treat Lex terribly. F this show.

Then came a ‘Charmed’ ep ‘Kill Billie Vol 2’ in which TCO are reviled as selfish trash monsters. Paige whines. There is bad CGI and witch fights. TCO have protagonist cantered morality. The Hallow is dug out again. The Triad get got, again. Stuff blows up and so does the Manor. Piper staggers around the wreckage and finds Phoebe dead (yeah) and has a good cry. Leo the dolt returns and is slack jawed at the general destruction. Piper encounters Billie and so Piper’s stunt double attacks her. This was ugh.

Best Lines:
“We’ve been waiting for you.”

“We don’t need potions.”

“There won’t be a next time.”

“Though not as I expected.”

Then finally there was a ‘Criminal Minds’ ep ‘The Popular Kids’ in which a satanic cult is suspected. The satanic panic is mentioned. This was infuriating.

Best Lines:
“People you see but don’t know much about.”

“Became born again in prison.”

“Potential satanic cult members.”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Twenty Years After + Letters To Lovecraft

Twenty Years After by Alexandre Dumas
The sequel to ‘The Three Musketeers’ sees the foursome reunite as France is threatened with civil war and Milady’s formidable son shows up for vengeance. Also Anne of Austria has ungraciously forgotten all they have done for her, Cardinal Mazarin has machinations and Cromwell prepares to topple Charles I. This was a rollicking good adventure full of kindly witticisms and four heroes who are incapable of having egoless personalities.

Best Lines:
“It is the noise of the populace, who are rioting.”

“Terrible projects of revenge.”

“D’Artagnan, you are the best of us all.”

“And if he does not act right, I will smash him.”

“Your repentance is too recent for us to have much faith in it.”

“This weakness is repugnant to me.”

“France can never expect peace and happiness until he has left it.”

Letters To Lovecraft edited by Jesse Bullington
This anthology is inspired by H.P. Lovecraft’s essay ‘Supernatural Horror In Literature’.

Past Reno
A man tries to go home. As to the rest of the erstwhile plot, I have no idea what was going on. Meaningless.

Only Unity Saves The Damned
A group of no-hopers try to escape their small town only to discover that such attainment is impossible. Okay.

A man watches this children learn to swim. A woman joins him. I have no idea what was going on in this disjointed tale but it was okay.


Doc’s Story
I’ve read this tale of werewolves in another anthology. It’s very good.

The Lonely Wood
Crass and trivial.

Help Me
A man fishes and hauls in something full of spitefulness and venom.

Best Line:
“He did not like that it smiled.”

Glimmer In The Darkness
A young Lovecraft meets a bizarre man. Devoid of substance.

The Order of the Haunted Wood
A sinister account of a disinterred connection between a debasing ad and an ancient disturbing fertility cult. Good.

Only The Dead And The Moonstruck
Bad choices, ghastly advances, a preferred narrative and malignant threats. Good.

That Place
By Gemma Files. Estranged siblings find the remnants of an old long forgotten game. Old memories stir and the frisson of recognition leads to an enjoyably disturbing ending. This was excellent and the ending has a depressing inevitability.

Best Lines:
“Never knock first. Wait until THEY do.
Wait again. Until THEY go away.”

“If it’s That Place, they don’t.”

The Horror at Castle of the Cumberland
SJW crap.

This has no cohesive strategy.

One Last Meal, Before The End
A tale of the Windigo, excellent.

There Has Been A Fire
An un-poignant tale of something with nefarious ambition.

The Trees
A tale of a sea voyage. No adulation.

Food From The Clouds
In a historically anomalous London, two idiots spurn sense. This was not very likeable.

Best Line:
“Proper fish, not the scary ones like what come out of the Thames.”

The Semi-Finished Basement
A group meet to discuss the changes in the world. Okay.

Best Line:
“It was hard to feel safe in a room with windows these days.”

Movie Reviews: The Cutting Room + Snitch + A Royal Affair + Red

The Cutting Room (2015)
Has a freakish opening but this found footage horror goes downhill from there. Who does the footage belong to? There is out of step dancing and a sexist burk steals the dancers camera to make a media studies project with two girls, one of whom has a side fishtail plait like it is 1984 or something.

Danny Dyer is mocked and everyone mumbles. Raz, Charlie and Jess stomp around. This frustrates and aggravates and is an atrocity and that is just how I felt 12 minutes in. The acting is appalling, it’s like ‘Hollyoaks’ rejects or homeless druggies lured off the street with promises of free heroin. The trio get excited over a missing girl and decide to make their ‘film’ about cyber bulling.

This is ludicrous, unrelatable, useless and not dark, involved or believable. The morons ignore the escalating threat (such as it is) and I felt apathy as they lost in the dark dark tunnels of somewhere. This was full of weaknesses: the characters are morons who can’t act. This was an abomination. Are we supposed to care about the twist which reveals the dark dark tunnels to be the chthonian sanctuary of a mad degenerate? This was not atmospheric and just ends. This was utterly utterly crap.

Best Lines:
“Some DVD extras.”

“It’s incredibly GCSE.”


“Really, really weird.”

“How can you hate forests?”

“He’s a bastard.”

“There’s no why.”

“This is so pointless.”

“Bit of a weirdo.”

“The world’s creepiest man.”

“Doing what creeps do.”

“You felon!”

Snitch (2013)
This is based on a true story. An idiot small time drug dealer, Jason, is busted by the DEA. He faces 10 years. His mother is the awful ex of John (Dwayne Johnson). Jason is a small, petty moron and John is angry. The US Attorney (Susan Sarandon) gets John to be a snitch with an offer to reduce Jason’s sentence. Bad things happen to Jason in jail. John looks up drug cartels online and gets an ex-con employee (Jon Beranthal of ‘The Walking Dead’) to help him. John does dangerous things with absolute certainty heedless of the ramifications to himself and others. There are guns, agendas, semis and people reacting furiously. There is no moral leadership or consensus and things go awry. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Runner! Back fence!”

“We are losing badly.”

“Don’t cry Jason. Not in here.”

“You know we can’t so don’t say it.”

“No known ass criminals.”

“Let’s have an honest conversation as to why you’re in my crib.”

“He ain’t 5-0, that’s for sure.”

“The liberals think you’re a bitch.”

“Just don’t do that.”

“Show us your loyalty.”

A Royal Affair (2012)
This film had unreadable subtitles. It is the Enlightenment and the exiled Queen of Denmark writes a letter of explanation to her children about what happened. She was an English princess sent to marry the mad King. She wrinkles her nose at the poor dirty serfs and the rats. The King cares more about his dog. Everyone is unwelcoming and she can’t even have her books.

A doctor (it’s him from ‘Hannibal’) gets a job as the King’s physician and he sets out to do something about things that are unjust in the extreme. The King acts like a deluded drug casualty. There are loads of actings and characters who exposit like Batman villains. The belligerent King has no charm and is increasingly unlovely. The doctor panders to the King and his abrasiveness and venom. There is no duty or respect. The Queen spends her time looking sad. Then she and the doctor have an affair. The evil Queen Dowager plots all their ruin. There is sheet sniffing, a downfall, executions, plots and a coup. This was a true story but a boring film.

Best Lines:
“What if he doesn’t like me?”

“They seem to think she is needed.”

“You’re fired, cow.”

“Your father is one of Germany’s most conservative priests. And yet you insist on publishing praises to the French freethinkers.”

“I don’t want to!”

“The light of the north.”

“I reek of him.”

“Cruel writings.”

Red (2010)
This was terrible and featured retired spies killing people. Bruce Willis is lame and beats up Karl Urban and his cute hair.
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To Light The Way To Bed

Once Upon A Time 4x02&4x03 + Covert Affairs 4x01&4x02 Reviewed

White Out
Anna knew David back in his bad wig days. Anna blathered. The intrinsic hyperbole about ‘Frozen’ bores. Bo Peep shows up. Anna is implausibly thick - did her mother drink whilst pregnant? Elsa causes issues. Will Henry piss off? Hook annoys. There is fake snow and Bo Peep is a cockney crime lord warlord. Elsa is bloody stupid in her cheap ass dress. Anna and Elsa are not nuanced or charismatic. They’re dull and judgmental. David’s fake dad died in a drink-carting accident. Bo Peep is now a butcher. This ep was a conspicuous failure. There are many ‘Frozen’ shoutouts and the ice cream lady is the Snow Queen (Elizabeth Mitchell of ‘Lost’ and ‘V’).

Best Lines:
“This is a bad time.”

“This is your curse.”

“So rule it.”

“I don’t give anything.”

“Iffy clams.”

“Stop saying letters.”

“You’re the bloody dark one.”

Rocky Road
Graham is mentioned. The Snow Queen and her nose job plots. Robin Hood, Maid Marian and their son wander around. There is talk about an urn. Rumpo and Belle lurk. Emma mentions her lie detecting power. Regina manipulates Henry. Where is Ruby? Why is this show so boring now? Marion collapses. Hook won’t wear a shirt. Anna’s idiot mancandy does stuff. Hans menaces Elsa and is mocked by his brothers. Who cares about Anna or Elsa? Will Scarlet shows up. This grates. The Snow Queen and her massive chest wanders plotting. This was all stolid moral laxity.

Best Lines:
“Where is she?”
“Lost at sea.”

“That’s a very dangerous insinuation.”

“They’re rock.”

“Hey Dairy Queen!”

“The Snow Queen. She was already here.”

“Your secret vault of terror.”

Annie and Auggie are together. Annie will have a violent confrontation in 10 weeks. There are no cute opening credits. Where have Ben and that reporter gone? Annie and Auggie look into Arthur’s secrets in Colombia and run into an obnoxious arrogant CIA station chief (Hill Harper). Joan’s pregnant, men with guns menace people and only Henry recalls his murdered son Jai. Everyone looks chunkier. There are reveals and Arthur resigns. This was okay and I haven’t a clue as to what is going on. Who is the woman (Michelle Ryan of ‘Eastenders’, ‘Jekyll’ and ‘The Bionic Woman’) Arthur was talking to?

Best Lines:
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing good.”

“Crazy and dead inside.”

Dig For Fire
Arthur confronts Annie. Joan finally wears sleeves. Annie follows Henry. The plot revolves around Teo, oil and a polygraph. Joan’s ex is evil. There is a great fight between him and Annie that ends unexpectedly. This was good. Does Annie recall Simon? Henry gives Annie a job.

Best Lines:
“Do you have wire cutters?”
“No. But I’ve got teeth.”

“Looks nasty and recent.”