August 4th, 2015

Scary Books

Book Review: The Birthgrave

The Birthgrave by Tanith Lee
This reprint of Lee’s 1975 alleged classic has an eye-catching cover but apart from that has nothing to recommend it. A woman who may be the last of a long gone race wakes up in a volcano and stumbles around a devastated world. Some like to see overweening greatness brought low as she tries to uncover her past from the realm of historical oblivion. This has not the remotest spark of interest or believability as she encounters obscure and squalid circumstances. I was not infatuated with the tale of the woman and the demented accidents of chance that happen to her.

The Blacklist #1 Reviewed

The Gambler part one
This comic is set in season 2: Red orates, Keen sneers and some git causes fraught scenes. Keen is the subject of opprobrium and this was good and the mystery intrigues. This was far better than the precocious season 2.

Best Lines:
“If you pass out, you’re out.”

“There’s no fun in outliving all your friends.”

“My picture’s on the most wanted boards of 63 countries.”

“When Goliath’s topple, someone always benefits from the fall.”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: X The Unknown + Into The West + 5 others

X The Unknown (1956)
This black and white Hammer film centres on a monster from the Earth’s core. Men with Mr Whippy hair face it down with out-moded tech. This was profoundly un-glamorous and not unusually complex. It was almost a parody of gloom. It was not volatile and lacked slowly rising tension and conniving acting. The monster has sinister autonomy and goes around being disruptive. It’s ultimately destructive and disintegrates and debilitates. The wayward misbehaving thing must be stopped by irritating intellectuals. Terrorformer!

Best Lines:
“2000 miles down. Who knows?”

“Stop lowering.”

“Get me out of here quick!”

“The food’s bad enough when it’s warm.”

“You got worms?”

“It must have a bottom somewhere.”

“Nameless horrors creeping around in the night.”

“How do you kill mud?”

Into The West (1992)
Two Traveller boys find a magic horse and go on an adventure whilst shouting all their lines. Their drunken hapless father (Gabriel Byrne) broods and mutters and sleeps under his coat like a whore. He finally goes looking for them with the help of another Traveller (Ellen Barkin). The dirty thieving ill-mannered kids nearly get killed and get away with their vileness. This was terrible with ridiculous geography and Byrne acting like he is in ‘King Lear’.

Best Lines:
“The other man is your father.”

“Are you trying to get me put in jail?”

“Don’t start the funny breathing.”

“About 15 sir.”

“Don’t let me keep you from the drink.”
“You won’t.”

“You are harbouring a pony.”

“Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph.”

“The drunken layabout sponging no good.”

“Tinker’s whore.”

Never Say Never Again (1983)
Bog standard drivel with Sean Connery and Kim Basinger.

300 (2006)
An overblown tale of Thermopylae and Xerxes.

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
Demeaning unsuccessful trailer trash melodrama.

Little Shop Of Horrors (1986)

The Breakfast Club (1983)

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Aquarius’ promo
Makes ‘Dark Skies’ look subtle.

Best Line:
“I’m Charlie Manson.”

‘Life in Squares’ promo

‘Trainwreck’ TV spot

‘Absolutely Anything’ TV spot
Terminally unfunny.

‘The Scandalous Lady W’ promo
This BBC2 drama looks interesting.

‘Sinister II’ TV spot

‘Paper Towns’ TV spot

Rewatched some season 8 ‘Charmed’ and remember when Billie would don dominatrix gear to kill demons and do unnecessary flips? How did she see when inside in a dark room whilst wearing sunglasses?

Best Lines:
“A nice flip.”

“Easy sis, don’t creep me out.”

“Who pays for that?”

“Glen was at your urn.”

RIP Ann Rule and Roddy Piper.

I won’t review ‘The Walking Dead’ 5x11 ‘The Distance’.

Did anyone ever see ‘It’s A Royal Knockout’?

Remember when Frank Bough was publicly shamed, twice, for his proclivities?

‘Friends’ Quote:
“Chased around a tire yard by an escaped mental patient.”

‘Dance Of Fire’ Quote:
“How crazy she’d been about him, while all along he was working with Josef to raise a demon. What a creep.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“You don't get sick so much as your liver dissolves and dribbles out of your body.”

“A patina of entitlement.”

“Giving disingenuous expectations.”

“There is no absolute proof.”

“Rabidly defending.”

“Sheen of inevitability.”

‘Father Ted’ Quotes:

“The thick looking one.”

“Jumpers and cakes.”

“I’m hugely confused Ted.”

“I smell wee.”

“This one smells of wee.”

“Interminably waiting.”

“I can have you killed.”

“I have no willy.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Wow! I’m so showbiz, I’m pissing sequins.”

“Maybe wear something else. We could see your bra.”

“A cliché already performed for you.”

“Inundated by failures.”

“Charles has a valet who irons his shoelaces.”

“Notoriously mentally unstable.”

“The rural exodus.”

“Before being evicted by a footman.”

“Born stately.”

“Undiluted pleasure.”

“Majestic understatement.”

“Conspicuously invisible.”

“45in waistband.”

“The line of succession was hastily reordered.”

“Represents assuredness.”

“Very polite kind of implacability.”

“The more rarefied air of the upperhouse.”

“Best known for having the door of the Commons theatrically slammed in his face.”

“Swan upping.”

“Sauces that go on the plate first.”

“To encourage enjoyment and not greed.”

“Extended apoplectic Anglo-Saxon rants.”

“Duck tit.”

“Musical cloche-work.”

“Peppa Pig’s Spanish uncle’s armpit.”

“Combinations that defy hunger.”

“A little poison pill of repulsion.”

“As if a moisturising leper had done jazz hands over the bowl.”

“Insistently travel.”

“Garish hand-painted Versace leather shirts and grotesque trousers.”

“From the Mao people.”

“Puffing around the same art deco hotel.”

“Mercilessly mocking housemaids and common women.”

“Delivers them like a man spitting his own teeth.”

“Self-conscious modernity.”

“Chased them through Kent’s motor-way service stations.”

“Littered with heaps of rubbish and abandoned shopping trolleys.”

“When the royal palace in Madrid caught fire in 1734, guards locked the doors to prevent looting, and the painting had to be thrown out of the window by monks.”

“Dead by the age of 25 or 26, after 19 pregnancies.”

“Foreign sailors in various stages of intoxication.”

“Hug drugs.”

“So protracted a gloat.”

“A deeper and ore discouraging silence.”

“A burning sense of disappointment and rage.”

“Walls painted the colour of snot.”

“A morose singer in a grotty bar.”

“At a disciplinary meeting he hit the prison governor with a chair.”

“Any venue that did not fall into line was wrecked.”

“Incapable of backing down.”

“His election agent was later convicted of murdering his own parents.”


“Shameful betrayal.”


“Some kind of heinous thought.”

“I am unappreciative or ungrateful.”

“Commodifying personhood.”

“Entitled or haughty.”

“Damning and disturbing.”

“The same diabolical position.”

“Lack of resolve.”

“Open to misinterpretation.”

“Field preparation.”

“Tourists who turn up with prostitutes and cases of beer and prove incapable of shooting straight.”

“Deeply unfashionable assertions.”

‘The Three Musketeers’ (2011) Quotes:
“The King’s favour.”

“Build me one!”

“Love the outfit. Very retro.”

“We’ve met yes.”

“Whose advantage? Yours?”

“I take them off your corpse.”

“Come and take them.”

“Don’t interrupt.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Celine is perved over by Pete . Nico kills Ben’s daughter Carly. Sienna and Dr S’avage cover it up. Lisa is obviously fake and stirs trouble. Ben is upset.

Best Lines:
“Show some kindness.”

“What have we done?”
To Light The Way To Bed

The Last Ship 2x05 + Humans 1x08 + The Americans 3x05 + Small Sacrifices Reviewed

This ep was not wholly credible and had silly dialogue delivered with some horrible, terrible accents. This ep is untouched by joy and is a fumbled thundering bore. What are Spearfish? There are exposition dropping baddies on a submarine and they are riddled with unspecified emotional issues. There is no consistent story. The baddie promotes disappointment and hated and they succeed despite having the IQs of Bognor Beachfront chavs. The XO is pompous and astoundingly imperious.

Chandler hunts the sub. The stark assessment is that this season has already run out of ideas and that the characters are full of moaning self-absorption. Chandler is all constancy, devotion, sacrifice and un-amusement. Whilst the baddies are all impropriety and aren’t truly intimidating foes. The XO is archly snotty, nebulous and self regarding.

The dog shows up. The baddies are fraught, acrimonious and depressing in this self-delusion and pulchritudinous. They’re bluffing egoists who are vastly inferior in their blank grime to the increasingly indignant doleful Chandler. There is alarmingly abnormal behaviour and vociferous outbursts with impunity. Ballistic missiles are fired in a display of wilfully abhorrent behaviour. This was terrible though I supposed it could have been worse, you could have been watching ‘Dutch’.

Best Lines:
“Lucky old git.”

“Lovely little germ.”

“Cos I said so.”

“Are we hunting or evading it?”

“Is he milking this.”

“A Brit and a maniac.”

“Getting some kick from her prop off the sea bottom.”

“He’s a believer.”

“We don’t even know if he’s loyal.”

“All personnel, Quiet Two.”

“Fret not.”

“We have already taken Europe! All of it!”

“All hands, crash dive.”

“Dive, dive, dive.”

“Nerve men, show some nerve.”

“Never forget, we’re the selected.”

“Into that?”

“Europe was decimated.”

Humans 1x08
How was this renewed? It’s over-rated and clichéd, I can’t stand the un-endearing Leo and his defiant strut and unsubtle acting. This show was tired and unreal with no poignant naturalism. It ailed and Leo is thick, hopelessly silly and desperate. This was unsuccessful.

Fear, anxiety and the anti-synth movement grows. Leo is a cyborg. The spinelessly fey Laura and Matilda do more unflattering long-suffering obstinacy. This show isn’t functional or present. Hobb wants rectification and to regulate synth conduct. More misery and convolution follows in this unsavoury and ineffective ep. Pete the cop barges in and changes his lifestyle.

Laura and co become the staff to synths. Not a good plan. I’m sick of Leo the Borg and his destructive personality. How did this show go so terribly wrong after a great first ep? Laura insinuates, there is a march we don’t see, Beatrice annoys, a flash drive is lost and this leaves you emotionless.

Best Lines:
“That sounded beneath you.”

“There is another.”

“Wanting a freedom that humans will never give.”

“He didn’t want me.”

Salang Pass
An accumulation of issues affect Elizabeth and Philip. They pretend to be avuncular but aren’t. Stan and Oleg plot, Stan ascribes motives to the defector. There is foreshadowing. Philip listens to the BBC news. Martha wants to foster. Philip has a burgeoning inappropriate relationship with a teenage girl. Elizabeth and Philip are distanced and impervious to shame. Remember when Philip attacked a perv with a BBQ fork? The teenage girl is unhappy and Philip has to run from the parents. Philip recalls being trained to use sex. It’s dark and sick, no wonder he has issues. This was mediocre and depressing.

Best Lines:
“Do you have to make it real with me?”
“Sometimes but not now.”

“Are you stoned?”

“Us now. You next.”

“It’s weird.”

“I don’t miss him. His presence.”

“Do you think about when we learned to do this?”

“I think there’s something to get.”

“Might be confusing. Even for you.”

“You definitely need a better life.”

Small Sacrifices (1989)
Farrah Fawcett, Gordon Clapp, Ryan O’Neal, Garwin Sanford and John Shea star in this miniseries version of Ann Rule’s true crime book about Diane Downs. This was good, dark and depressing.