July 28th, 2015

Pretty Smart

Book Review: The King's Concubine

The King’s Concubine by Anne O’Brien
This fat would be bodice ripper tells the tale of Alice Perrers who rose from nothing to be mistress to King Edward III. Information on this real life mistress is hard to come by so this is a dull tale that is written in a style that is a poor imitation of Philippa Gregory. Nobody cares about the gold-digging tramp and the unprovable claims made against her.

Best Lines:
“Plantagenets did not react well to stern admonitions.”

“It pleases the king that I do that.”

“You’ll rise no more.”

“I’ll tolerate much Isabella. But not that.”

“You’re a grasping self-seeking whore!”

“You have of necessity to please me, so that I don’t cast you off.”

“In case I cast you from my door for your reluctance in wifely matters,”

“A self-serving harlot of the first order.”
Scary Books

The Last Ship 2x04 + Humans 1x07 + Hannibal 3x07 + The Americans 3x04 Reviewed

There’s a hospital ship out there and Chandler is determined to find it. An Australian and an Israeli join the crew. Brian F. O Byrne is the big bad and his minions have attacked the non-combatant hospital ship from a submarine. This dull and muddled ep comes to an extreme conclusion.

Best Lines:
“Do what needs doing.”

“Let’s find em.”

“General havoc.”

“No sign of life or death.”

“Hostiles operating on board this ship.”

“My advice: avoid it.”

“The man behind that voice.”

“Find me something to shoot.”

Humans 1x07
The female synth cop’s origin is explained. She is ‘Beatrice’ the synth copy of Leo’s dead mother. Laura has querlousness. Niska whines. Beatrice whines. Vera is useless, George acts sedated and is got rid of. Joe is useless. Fred wears an ugly jumper. George’s ‘son’ synth is to be scrapped. What is synth fluid? The twit Leo whines like a silly pompous prat. This was facile, superficial and a joke. Beatrice cosies up to Hobb and is a psycho. Laura whines, there is an unfortunate news broadcast, a betrayal and yelling.

Best Lines:
“Your own mother couldn’t love you.”

“I was never her.”

“The synthetic appliance you absconded with recently. He’s been concealed in a wardrobe.”

“There’s no place for us here.”

“We’re not a kind.”

“Our plan to conquer the planet and make humanity our slaves.”

“It was an accident, he got in the way.”

“He made me to replace her.”

“We were never meant to be.”

Hannibal and Will are prisoners of Mason and his deranged carer. Margot and Alana roll around in bed. Mason torments Margot and pushes the acceptability level. Alana whispers. Hannibal’s tied up but not for long. Mason is a sicko. There is death and Margot wants a baby. Alana and Margot kill Mason. Will is done with Hannibal so he surrenders. This was slow moving.

Best Lines:
“I’m not going to miss you.”

“You got a big surprise coming to you.”

“Don’t think too long smiley.”

“Will always deny you.”

“What difference would one more murder charge make to me?”

“Could I have ever understood you?”

“Take it out! Take it out!”

“They’re all dead out there!”

“I’m taking what you promised me!”

“He helped us milk you.”

“Can you go home?”
“No more than you can.”

Elizabeth and Philip target a teenager. Nina is told to spy on her cellmate. Philip and Stan go to their self help meeting. Philip and Elizabeth have more issues and do more morally wrong things. Stan doubts the defector. People do contradictory things. Paige and Philip bond over Alison Moyet. Paige plots and attention seeks. Stan tears up a bathroom.

Best Lines:
“Go into your space.”

“I lied and sat down.”

“That is horrible.”

“That’s a fine list.”

“She does what she does.”

8 Movie Reviews

Sydney White (2007)
A Snow White tale set on a college campus. Syndey White and her gang of dork friends take on an evil sorority girl named Rachel Witchburn. This was an anodyne tale of a boring prince charming, improper expressions and people acting in abnormal ways. I felt great hostility for this. There is no moral order and this was inadequate, full of poisonous aspects and of absolutely no importance. Danny Strong co stars.

Best Lines:
“Your idea of a date is to convert me?”

“You serve meals to the homeless.”

“These plates are plastic! Touching them hurts my hands!”

“I had to turn the faucet myself!”

“My spleen broke my fall.”

“I don’t need my soothing words.”

“Hi ho.”

“I have a voodoo doll of her in my underwear drawer and I stick pins in it!”

“Let’s hear it for the dorks!”

“She ain’t no ho!”

“Hi ho.”

When The Wind Blows (1986)
Animated film about an elderly couple caught up in WWIII. I dislike it.

Nicholas And Alexandra (1971)
Dull tale about the inept Tsar Nicholas II. The Tsar and his awful wife are lionized and the revolutionaries are unkempt murderers. The four indistinguishable daughters run around, there is no dog and the family and a blindly loyal servant are shot in the cellar. Their deaths are highly sanitised. This film features Brian Cox, Ian Holm, Roy Dotrice, Tom Baker, Laurence Oliver and Lynne Frederick.

Best Lines:
“It’s all of them.”

“It’s good to be alive.”

“Someone young will lead us to the harvest.”

Dangerous Liaisons (1988)
Lavish but dull.

From Dusk Till Dawn (1995)

Mission Impossible II (2000)
Sexist tosh.

Dolores Claiborne (1995)
An unhappy woman (Kathy Bates), her miserable daughter (Jennifer Jason-Leigh) and a series of accidents. This was okay and based on the Stephen King novel.

Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein (1994)
Kenneth Branagh overacts.

Trailers, Quotes and 2005 Tape Tales

‘Man From Uncle’ TV spot

‘Zoo’ promo
Something strange is going on. Maybe.

Best Lines:
“The awakening.”

“No longer afraid of us.”

‘Gotham’ season 2 promo
Gordon takes on renegade shampoo models and the villains rise. Mmm.

‘The X Files’ promo
How are the Lone Gunmen back? Mulder looks old.

‘The Hunger Games: Mockingjay part 2’ trailer
Wasn’t that dam blown up? The war concludes, action, Gale, Peeta, monsters and hints of Prim’s fate.

Best Lines:
Standing together with 13 Districts.”

“Make sport of our deaths.”

‘Flockstars’ promo

Best Line:
“Release the sheep!”

‘The Descendants’ promo
Failed Oscar bait.

‘Battlestar Galactica’ 2x02 promo
Looks dramatic but isn’t.

‘Pixels’ TV spot

Hazelnut torte choc - yum.
Raspberry macaroon - dry.
Key Limey Pie choc - not so good.
Raspberry Infusion choc - okay.

‘Quirke’ starring the miserable git Gabriel Byrne as a miserable git is miserable.

I am reading ‘Dream Stalkers’.

I won’t review ‘The Walking Dead’ 5x10 ‘Them’.

‘90210’ Quote:
“Everybody fights with my sister.”

‘True Blood’ Quotes:
“Needs a little quiet time.”

“That don’t feel so good.”

“This dungeon of hell.”

“Making fun of my childhood.”

“The real bad kind.”

To The Manor Born’ Quotes:
“If you’re ever passing this way again, keep passing.”

“Robert Maxwell was from Czechoslovakia!”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Out of my life.”

“Let it go.”

“You started it.”

“I can’t handle this.”

“I don’t know. I don’t care.”


“All his IP addresses are blocked.”

“It’s all bad.”

“They’re laughing. I can hear them.”

“This is a stock letter.”

“Terribly inappropriate.”

“Can I go?”

“I don’t want to know about it!”

“I don’t want to hear about it!”

“Okay, whatever.”

“Something’s not right here.”

“People know the truth when they hear it.”

“Horrible things that were said.”

“I don’t want to be in anybody’s life.”

“No context for these people.”

“Big red flags.”

“Leaving here with some truth.”

“Overwhelmed and underappreciated.”

“Handle some tasks.”

Cleared out two 2005 tapes. The first began with a ‘Veronica Mars’ season 1 ep ‘Weapons Of Class Destruction’; Veronica sticks her nose into things. Keith dates Wallace’s mom. Keith never admitted he got the Kane murder case wrong. Logan whines, Duncan has mad innocence and Veronica flippantly causes more trouble. Veronica ruined Duncan and Logan’s friendship. She’s a trenchant bitch and this had the ATF, a kiss, Duncan running away and a frame job. This was crap and Veronica is wilful, capricious and haughty.

Best Lines:
“You’re truly sick.”

“A sadistic crone.”

“He was paid to confess!”

Then came another ‘Veronica Mars’ ep ‘M.A.D’ in which Dick, Beaver and Logan mock Veronica who has ingrained hostility for everyone. A girl is blackmailed by her ex over a sex tape. Veronica and Logan make out. Veronica plans draconian revenge on the sex tape maker. Veronica uses Mac. The blackmailed girl eschews revenge. Veronica makes the hot tub sex tape blackmail all about her. Veronica lies and learns something. Dull.

Best Lines:
“Miss White Trash title.”

“Recycling passports on eBay.”

“Has maids fold his underwear.”

“Such a charmer.”

“A downloadable national joke. You know right up there with Paris Hilton or that ‘Star Wars’ kid.”

“There I’ll be for the rest of human history.”

“Sensual charades.”

“Think I’m trashy.”

“Yachting is not a recognised excuse for a late English report.

“A better soul than I do.”

Then came a season 2 ‘Battlestar Galactica’ ep 'Scattered'. This has flashbacks, Apollo screaming and the President locked up. An FTL jump goes awry, Baltar has visions, nobody is gracious and Helo is a moron. People wander around in the woods and on Caprica. This was very very boring.

Best Lines:
“I did it for nothing.”

“They lie about everything.”

“Bitch took my ride!”

Finally there was another ‘BSG’ ep ‘Valley Of Darkness’ in which Billy bores, people talk in short bitter sentences and the cylons attack. The President won’t stop being awful, Starbuck whines, everyone douses themselves in self pity and I’m aghast at how bad this is. This was a dour inglorious mess of culpability, self interest and double dealing.

Best Lines:
“We’ve been boarded!”

“Thought I’d be stepping over decaying corpses in the streets.”

Then the second tape was all season 7 ‘Charmed’ eps. The first one up was ‘Imaginary Fiends’ in which Paige bitches, Piper sends Wyatt to preschool, Paige wears an ugly top and a demon befriends Wyatt, Phoebe is at graduate school and there is endless talking and bad facial hair. This sucked.

Then came ‘Death Becomes Them’ in which Paige is lazy, Phoebe sees dead people and the dead walk as Sheridan bores.

Then came ‘Something Wicca This Way Goes’ in which Zankou takes over the manor, selfish Sheridan causes problems, there is bad CGI and the sisters sit on their asses and then do a stupid plan. This was to be the last ever ep until TPTB decided on a season 8. This was dull.

Best Lines:
“Our plan to die.”

“To get the next generation ready to pick up where we left up.”

Then there was ‘The Seven Year Witch’ in which the Elders wear bathrobes, Leo wanders, Piper sees Cole (Julian McMahon), Phoebe’s bf (Billy Zane) dies and Cole’s past is retconed. This was grim.

Best Lines:
“Doesn’t that mattress look strangely familiar?”

“The last Halliwell that trusted you ended up bearing your demon spawn.”

Then came ‘Scry Hard’ in which Piper and Leo end up in the Halliwell doll house and this was dull with endless talking.

Best Line:
“Have you gone crazy again?”

Then there was ‘Little Box Of Horrors’ in which Pandora’s Box is guarded by Hope, Paige gets into a lift that breaks down and this was so predictable.

Then came ‘Freaky Phoebe’ in which Sheridan resurfaces. Magic school bores. Sheridan had a right to her vengeful exuberance. Phoebe sluts it up again. This was noxious. The sisters macliously destroy more people and play the victims.

Best Line:
“Thank god for memory dust.”