July 26th, 2015

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and a 2006 Tape Tale

‘Hollyoaks’ promo
WTF? Robbie murders Jason?

‘Dogs On The Dole’ promo

‘Insurgent’ trailer
A box, a bad haircut, the factionless, guns and Theo James. This looks overdone.

Best Lines:
“Every last one of them.”

“We don’t have the numbers.”
“We will.”

“Dark times call for dark measures.”

‘Child 44’ trailer
Overacting, dodgy accents and ‘Gorky Park’ was better. No.

Best Lines:
“It was a lie.”

“Murder is strictly a capitalist disease.”

‘Monsters: Dark Continent’ trailer
Monsters, soldiers, shaky cam and an unnecessary and ugly sequel.

‘Curly Sue’ (1991) promo

‘Mutant X’ 1x19 promo
A dream mutant, a shirtless scene, rats and pleather underwear. Looks good.

‘Mutant X’ 1x20 promo
A liplass smoulders, Adam sighs and camp erupts.

Best Line:
“You’re going to fight us to the death?”

‘Mutant X’ 1x21 promo
Mutants are caught on camera. There is fire starting and Mason and Adam have a pissing contest.

Best Lines:
“I want that disc!”
“Come and get it.”

‘Mutant X’ 1x22 promo
Smirking, new powers and posing.

The Gift’ TV spot
Am intrigued!

P; where are you? Please come back, you are worrying people. We’ve had a sighting, come home!

I won’t review ‘Odyssey’ 1x09 ‘Figmo’ or ‘True Blood’ 7x08 ‘Almost Home’.

There’s a novel about vampire musketeers? I’m so there.

Recall ‘Herman’s Head’?

Recall ‘To The Manor Born’? It’s horribly dated and the ‘heroine’ Audrey is a stalker, liar, fraudster, spendthrift sob who attempts murder, is a bigoted classist who spreads false misrepresentations and snobbery and is awful. Also where did her butler and dog vanish to?

Best Lines:
“You horrible little man!”

“Switch this wretched man off.”

Chocolate macaroon - excellent.
Organic gluten free brownie - nice.
Rock salt and malt vinegar crisps - nice.
Wild Elderflower drink - not great.
Whipped Philadelphia with black & green olives - nice.
Silky smooth chocolate alpro - yum.

‘Dracula’ (1979) Quote:
“For the past 500 years professor, those who have crossed my path have all died. And some not pleasantly.”

‘The Big Bang Theory’ Quote:
“Passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trashcan.”

‘Modern Family’ Quotes:
“He was the office weirdo.”

“That’s his job. For now.”

“Creep out the office.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“I hope you die!”

“All be explained in a logical way.”

“He will be there!”

“Please be calm.”

“Get her out of here then.”

“You are assuming!”

“What was it for?”

“You’ve lost your house.”

“My man!”

“Go to hell!”

“I’d do it again!”

“I really don’t care.”

“I don’t expect anyone to understand.”

“You’ve said enough!”

“Oh get over it!”

“You gave him your bank account information.”

“Was there money in there?”
“Not much.”

“His camera doesn’t make pictures.”

“You got your point across.”


“I don’t want to hear about it.”

“You’re a bitch, go for it.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“You’re surveyed and you’re found wanting.”

“I would sooner have been boiled in skunk piss.”

“Forced, pretentious, inept.”

“They don’t have any relationship with fact.”

‘Love and Louis XIV’ Quotes:
“Louis XIII himself displayed his melancholic temperament to the end: when told he had an hour to live, he replied: ‘Ah! Good news!’”

‘Glee’ Quotes:
“Gender role reversal duets.”

“Vicious prepubescent tweens.”

“A sacred honour.”

“You’re always talking.”

“The greatest educator since Mao.”

“My Dunkirk.”

“Lanced it like a genital wart.”

“I don’t retreat, I reload.”

“Pretend people in my head.”

‘Mutant X’ Quotes:
“I’m slightly distracted.”

“If she’s not gone, let her out!”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Why is Myra in the opening credits? Why was Sinead fired? They’re are contradictory stories about her firing. Anyway Cleo feels no moral responsibility to tell on Pete the sex offender. Why is Ziggy so objectionable? He has a moral failure. Tegan’s stupid. I have no sympathy for Cleo and her misplaced loyalty to Pete the pervert. Where are Ste and Sinead? Why does nobody care that Rose is missing? The Lovedays bore. Ziggy is a moron. Tegan realises she made a huge mistake but sees no problem in staging a fake abduction of Rose.

1D reject Harry lingers like a stale fart. Cleo is pathetic. Where are Robbie, Nancy, Patrick, Minnie and Maxine? Leela breaks into Diane’s flat. Pete costs Cleo her job and her relationship with Harry. Scott plays ‘Toxic’ as he rubs fake tan on himself amid a pile of Rose’s dirty nappies. Ziggy finds Tegan’s hidey-hole.

Tegan tries to get Ziggy to run away with her overlooking the fact that he’s married to her sister. Tegan is awful and none of her behaviour is narratively justified. Tegan has no morals. Cleo jumps Harry. Leela is stupid. Tegan is a harlot, concubine and whore. Ziggy has poisonous discourse with Leela, the Lovedays separate and Tegan gets busted. Best of all Ziggy turned her in. Tegan has a mad fit and she is truly pathetic.

Best Lines:
“It’s all your fault!”

“How thick are you?”

“What have I told you about that tone?”

“What have I done?”

“Where you off to?”

“You watch your attitude.”

“Some right lowlife.”

“Your girly phone.”

“We got rights.”

“Ziggy doesn’t have half a brain. Ignore him.”

“Stop having a go.”

“Hopefully tongue down my throat.”

“Whipped cream fight?”

“You call yourself a mother?!?”

“Your Ken doll hair.”

“This is so not good.”

“Carry on packing.”

“Hello mr policeman.”

“Tony’s a moron.”

“Diane’s wily.”

Cleared out a 2006 tape. It began with a ‘Torchwood’ ep ‘Everything Changes’ in which the horrible Gwen plot-pertinently stumbles across Torchwood and their weird for weird’s sake goings on. Andy shows up. Rhys bores. Owen sporadically goes out date raping. There is chincary and Jack has wry resignation. This was dull.

Best Lines:
“I am so having you.”
“I’m having him first!”

Then came another ‘Torchwood’ ep ‘Day One’ in which there is more Gwen, loud fornicating and discontent.

Finally there was the 2001 movie ‘Thir13en Ghosts’ in which things adumbrate along, there is sap as a widower, his moppet son and dumb daughter (Shannon Elizabeth) inherit a glass house from the big bad Cyrus (F. Murray Abraham). An annoying psychic (Matthew Lillard) and a woman (Embeth Davidtz) run around as does the poor family’s live in nanny.

The glass house is full of ghosts, there is an intrusive soundtrack and Cyrus is damnifed. The psychic rolls around yelling all his lines. Ghosts are seen. Shannon Elizabeth has her clothes ripped off. There is screaming, twists and gore. This was crap, full of foul things of the night and is truly odious.

Best Lines:
“We have a family fortune?”
“Well no, Cyrus squandered it.”

“I free trapped souls.”

“I hope to god the barrier spells hold.”

“I can’t believe Cyrus built it.”

“Designed by the devil and powered by the dead!”

“The black zodiac.”

Movie Reviews: Out Of The Dark + Chitty Chitty Bang Bang + Pitch Perfect

Out Of The Dark (2014)
A drip wife (Julia Stiles), her hipster husband (Scott Speedman of ‘Last Resort’ and ‘Underworld’) and their daughter move with the wife’s father (Stephen Rea of ‘V For Vendetta’) to Colombia. Rea’s accent slides all over the place, there is exposition and this isn’t scary at all.

The contrarian husband never changes his facial expression, granddad says everything sardonically and I feel discouraged from caring. The moppet is in peril. Nobody has deep and subtle thoughts. Much ill can be spoken of this mess. The parents ignore the obviously evil arts going on until they can’t. They are dismissively avoidant. Monsters want revenge or something.

Everyone is noticeably lacking in hope. Thank you so much for this ugly crap TPTB. This was a really sad career move for everyone, especially Julia Stiles. Everyone has the personality of a can of body spray. There is ranting, an obvious reveal and a boring ridiculous ending. This was ignominiously stupid.

Best Line:
“The dark legends don’t exactly help either.”

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)
This sexist slow ‘classic’ centres on disingenuous people. A crackpot inventor and his two moppets sing horrible songs. A woman and a grandfather wander around. Barbara Windsor and Benny Hill feature as the idiot selfish father builds a flying car. They visit a mad country, the child catcher prances and this was a glittering misery which is all a dream or something. Terrible.

Pitch Perfect (2012)
This terrible film features annoying people, singing and an irritating bimbo. They slut it up to win the big contest. I could care less.

Best Lines:
“Your oral magic.”

“Dixie Chick serious.”

“Make good choices.”

“You don’t like fun things.”

Mutant X (2001 - 2004) 1x20-1x22 + The Saboteurs aka The Heavy Water War 1x01 Reviewed

Deadly Desire
A scorpion mutant (Krista Allen) seduces and steals and is in general trash. This was feather light and Mason flails uselessly.

Best Lines:
That’s your serious look.”

“We can’t just go get him.”

Dancing On The Razor
A fight between Mutant X and the GSA is caught on film and Proxy Blue threatens to release it. There is no Youtube in this future. The footage is on a disc and everyone wants it. Mason wants the threat cut out. Emma and Shalimar don’t wear bras. An innocent is in peril. Brennan is awful. A GSA agent treats anyone who opposes him as he must. There is flirting, a betrayal and horrible, deathly, fearful things are feared. A noxious would be reporter gets got. The videodisc is fought over. Mutant X and the GSA have a standoff and you half expect a tumbleweed to blow by as Mason in white and Adam in his all black all the time wardrobe eyeball each other. Mason backs down. This was good.

Best Lines:
“This emailer.”

“I don’t like it when other people know my business.”

“His human pit-bull.”

“Wouldn’t want that.”

“A public pariah.”

“Relegate you to the status of a traitor.”

“Your band of renegades.”

“Wrong answer.”

“What are you?”

“Wouldn’t want to bump into this guy in a dark alley.”

“I might not hurt you.”

“Been conspicuously silent.”

“I didn’t realise there was a limit to our interaction.”

“All he needs is a laptop and a modem to send the contents of the disc to the world.”

A Breed Apart
The gang develop new powers. There is bad SFX. Emma’s razor haircut looks bad. Patient Zero aka Gabriel Ashlocke (Michael Easton of ‘VR5’) escapes the GSA with the help of his brainwashed cult. The intellectually incurious Brennan falls on his ass. Gabriel and his breathy whispering and eye watering self centeredness is bigged up as the new big bad. He bores. Hints of Emma’s dark turn in season 2 are sown. Adam spills some secrets and has moral indignation - seasons 2&3 ruined his character.

Gabriel is a sociopath and was killed off by Adam early on in season 2 thankfully. Gabriel menaces Mutant X and takes over the GSA. Mason ends up in a pod. Mutant X somehow gets into the GSA and there is a pose off. This had no emotional arc and no emotional consequences from episode to episode but was okay. Mutant X poses defiantly.

Best Lines:
“Things could get ugly and fast.”

“Emma’s got a mental bazooka.”

“How are you staying so calm, cool and collected?”

“We’re all in for a dose of hell.”

“That’s your I hate myself for what I’ve done to these poor new mutants look.”

“If you think that Adam and his pack of super-powered hoodlums were a pain in the ass. Gabriel Ashlocke gives new meaning to the term.”

“Trust me.”

“A chance to spend eternity regretting everything.”

“Don’t point it my way.”

“To hell with anyone who stands in our way.”

The Saboteurs aka The Heavy Water War (2015) 1x01
Werner Heisenberg is in peril from TPTB in Nazi Germany. He’s played by someone who looks like David Milliband. He’s recruited to work on Germany’s atomic bomb project and sees nothing wrong with it. He needs heavy water which is only made in Norway. How do the Nazis get it? They invade Norway! People talk, there are subtitles and exposition. There is 40s hair, Heisenberg is awful and the British plan to destroy the German’s atomic bomb project. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“We do not intend to wait and see either.”

“Eggy smell in the corridor.”

“I grew up with five brothers and can out-run every one of them.”
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Book Reviews: The Phoenix Guards + Five Hundred Years After

The Phoenix Guards by Steven Brust
The d’Artagnan Romances are transferred to a fantasy setting in which four strangers become friends, join the Imperial Guards and have long winded adventures. Khaavren (d’Artagnan), Tazendra (Porthos), Pel (Aramis) and Aerich (Athos) have overwritten and slightly dull swashbuckling fun. Through the vicissitudes of fate and much purple prose, adventure is had and a friendship is formed. This was followed by the enjoyable ‘Five Hundred Years After’ and the rancid ‘Paths Of The Dead’, ‘Lord Of Castle Black’ and ‘Sethra Lavode’.

Best Lines:
“In which the plot, behaving in much the manner of a soup to which starch has been added, begins at last, to thicken.”

“Remove the point of your sword from my throat, where it hampers my elocution.”

“Ruffians breaking furniture over each other.”

“Poor advisors to whom he listens.”

“Well, you will understand, I hope, if I do my utmost to kill you.”

Five Hundred Years After by Steven Brust
The sequel to ‘The Phoenix Guards’ sees Khaavren still serving the Emperor loyally as plots and disorder doom the empire. A nobleman plans on eliciting a reaction from the Emperor and his ambition is the aggravating factor in the disaster to come. Khaavren has a meet cute with his future wife. The empire comes to an unceremonious end but friendship remains. This was good but not profound.

Best Lines:
“Are you waving that around because you intend to use it, or merely to emphasize a gesture?”

“I have just realized that I am bleeding, and I ought to do something about this.”

“Had sat down suddenly and without first being certain of the location of his chair.”

“With the same thoroughness I formerly displayed in skewering anyone who looked at me in a manner not to my liking.”

“You seem pale and are pitching most alarmingly.”

“He is the Prime Minister; why should he know anything.”

“With all the expression of a wall from which the lone painting has just been removed.”

“You annoy me.”