July 23rd, 2015


Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Mission Impossible’ holiday promo
Santa comes to the North Pole and finds a message from the 88 IMF lot. They all wear horrible clothes except for Nicholas and wish viewers a happy holidays. This looks naff.

‘The Man In The Iron Mask’ (1998) trailer
Louis XIV is a bad king and a tyrant. The musketeers have an intensely completive relationship and a plan. I love this film.

‘Fantastic Four’ TV spot

Gluten free Rocky Road bar slice - yum.
Peanuts - yum.
Vegan organic Italian Tomato & Basil soup - good.
Ginger & Lemongrass drink with Kombucha - nothing special.

Remember the wretched 1993 - 1994 TV show ‘Time Trax’?

I am reading ‘The King’s Concubine’.

The 80s ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books are remembered.

A new ‘Vorkosigan’ novel in 2016! Yay!

Mick Fanning Quote:
“Thanks for not eating me.

‘The King’s Concubine’ Quote:
“A shameless woman and wanton harlot.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Relevant past behaviour.”

“Yelling rages.”

“The girl from the gutter.”

“I didn’t believe we were engaged.”

“Hitting on the snow plough guy.”

“Theft by deception.”

“Danced in topless bars.”

“Gold-digging maneater.”

“Morally and ethically wrong.”

“I have facts. I have data.”

“Roll into a bar at midnight.”

“You’re a ho!”

“Wouldn’t rational thought kick in?”

“Not the alcohol police.”

“Don’t touch my husband ever!”

“Why are you in that kind of exchange with people?”

“I had not drank.”

“Beyond what is normal in a bar.”

“Feuding about a dog bite.”

“That’s not the issue here.”

“Venting about.”

“She’s been lying.”

“Read these Twitter things.”

“Drain your coping energy.”

“This is meltdown mothering.”

“A life history.”

‘National Geographic’ Quote:
“A border that swallows lives.”

‘Hannibal’ Quotes:
“They are identically different.”

“Incoherent threats.”

“Open him all the way.”

“Did you do this?”
“Of course.”

“Mind coming over here and pulling this needle out of my neck?”

“I snatched Will Graham right out of your mouth.”

‘The Man In The Iron Mask’ (1998) Quotes:
“Smile and nod a lot. And if you get stuck, just wave and announce: continue.”

“You know them better than anyone. Are they a threat to me?”
“If they are a threat, then we need not seek them out. They will find us.”
“Not if you find them first.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Sienna makes a Titanic model. Joe’s still in hospital. Lockie and John-Paul act like dogs in heat. Porsche smashes up Lockie’s car and he gaslights her by claming to be addicted to snooker betting. Reenie tries disability fraud. Dr S’avage does flagrant misrepresentations and lies. Reenie whines about Pete. Characters have lost the run of themselves completely. Leela emotionally traumatises Peri some more. Dr S’avage threatens Reenie with injurious falsehoods. Where is Ben? Porsche is misused. Frankie tries to stop the adoption. Frankie rants about Esther’s baby.

Tom and Peri find Frankie culturally disruptive. Nana shows off her selfie stick. Cleo whines. Porsche drags Lockie to a GA meeting. He sounds like he is from Essex not Scotland. Reenie drinks and her multiple fractures seem to vanish. Reenie calls Sienna “Kate Middleton” and a fight breaks out. Sienna’s Titanic model is smashed and Cleo cries as Reenie endangers society. Porsche is raucous about Lockie coming clean. Reenie is arrested for ABH.

Frankie berates John-Paul overlooking that Craig ditched him and that she tried to steal his son. Where is Matthew? Frankie tries to steal Peri’s baby. Cleo looks up creepy Pete. Lockie is revealed to be cheating on John-Paul with Mercedes. Man whore! Man whore! I’m amazed end stage syphilis isn’t rampant.

Pete blackmails Cleo for sex - she’s too stupid to see it. Mercedes justifies shagging Lockie. How long has it been going on? Where is Cameron? John-Paul calls Mercedes selfish. Diane sobs over the missing Rose. Cleo brings Pete back home, she and everyone else don’t care that he is a sex offender. Scott shows up. Frankie interferes more. Cleo doesn’t care about Porsche. Pete asks Reenie to marry him and then makes Cleo have sex with him. Lockie is a total manwhore. Scott has a Beefcake Boyz poster on his wall.

Why are he and Tegan still doing the fake kidnapping? Mercedes and Lockie make out some more. Tom scrunches up a sonogram. Tegan does something stupid, nothing new there. Nobody cares about Porsche. The McQueens are all awful.

Best Lines:
“You’re in serious trouble.”

“A cheap horrible slapper.”

“I am backed up like a barber’s drain.”

“Get off! Get off!”

“This is a decent family pub.”

“Back of a van. Classy.”

“It’s not all about you.”

“A wife and two lovers.”

“Your grubby man.”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: D.A.R.Y.L + Excalibur

D.A.R.Y.L (1985)
Naff film about a couple who unwittingly adopt a robot child. ‘Small Wonder’ was better.

Excalibur (1981)
A heroic fantasy in which Uther Pendragon shags another man’s wife and conceives Arthur without bothering to take off his full plate armour. Merlin (Nicol Williamson) has epic screaming fits. Helen Mirren prances. There is lots of sex, death, adultery and legends. Various people die or go mad or live lives of quiet misery. This was overdone, camp and weird.

Fortune Hunter (1994) 1x05 + Mission Impossible 2x16 Reviewed

Red Alert
This generic schlock bad pulp spy drama starring the late Mark Frankel as Carlton Dial was cancelled and I’m not surprised. Super spy Dial runs around doing stuff while his irritating partner Harry can’t act. A Russian spy satellite crashes. There is bad acting. Mark Frankel uses his real English accent. The opening credits feature Frankel doing a dramatic turn and jumping off things and is so very 90s. This show is full of bad synth music.

A mad general (J.G. Hertzler of ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’) uses the satellite as part of a plot to form an impendent Ukraine. No comment. Dial doesn’t like Harry. There is really bad acting. The satellite is full of toxins. Is the USSR gone or what? Dial casually mentions he was married for 17 days and was in an East German prison. Pompous liberal windbags spout hot air. This has no old school credibility and is terrible. Frankel also appeared in the far superior ‘Solitaire For 2’ and ‘Kindred: The Embraced’. It is hard to believe he has been dead almost 20 years.

Best Lines:
“Oh my god. What was that?”
“Let’s go find out.”

“Don’t touch it.”
“I wasn’t planning to.”

“You always were a sweetheart auntie.”

“Watch the new mission disc.”

“Here. Smell this.”

“I hate to be ungrateful but hands up!”

“I own a Burger King!”

“Which Roosevelt?”

“Who’s the bass player for Pearl Jam?”

“Not a chance.”

“You’re a bad liar too.”

“You can’t tell me you need a jackhammer.”

“I’m not good at trust.”

The Sands Of Seth
In Egypt people suspend all rational though to follow a crazy cultist in this final ever ep. TPTB seem to have a low opinion of the viewers intelligence. Nobody is emotionally or morally conflicted about their work. Jim does portentous verbal interplay. The baddie does psychotic behaviour. Nicholas has smooth charm yet seems cold. People yap about Seth. Utter moral ambiguity is sniffed out. Grant yaps and fakes a scroll with a laser printer.

The baddie tries for gravity and fails. He is the sort who’d go through you for a shortcut. Nicholas wears an ugly unbuttoned shirt and has a sad gaze. Various people dress like it is the 1930s. Shannon and Jim pretend to be father and daughter. Hieroglyphics are faked. Max punches people. A guy pretends to be a mummy.

Obvious fakes are accepted as real. Max gets in with the excoriating baddie. Grant dons gold eyeliner. Nicholas is in peril, again. This was good. Max has to fake murder Nicholas. Cue lots of OTT gurgling and the baddie being defeated. The IMF somehow escapes and wanders off destroying antiquities in the process.

Best Lines:
“They are only sleeping.”

“Several radical Arab states.”

“I think I made an impression.”

“Most of his images were destroyed during the Crusades.”

“You scum!”

“Your attitude is very unfriendly.”

“You’re still here, I see.”
“Yeah. Does it bother you?”
“Frankly, yes.”

“The seal of the seven jackals. No one has entered here for 4000 years.”

“The dead will walk again.”

“The master does as he pleases.”

“Robe him for the ceremony.”

“I would die for you!”
“And you will!”

“You’re all crazy!”

“What’s wrong with you people?”

“While I intone the ancient scroll.”

“Both of them lost in the sands of time.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Review: Under Ground

Under Ground by S.L. Grey
Survival is only for the few.
A coterie of rich weirdoes become convinced that the end is nigh. So they hole up in a survival condominium called The Sanctum located in the middle of nowhere. They think they’re safe. They’re not. This good novel is a succinct message that the greatest danger is within. Cost-cutting, paranoia, secrets, lies and a teenager devoid of empathy or intelligence increase the pressure until the worst happens and there’s no way out. This is page turning enjoyment.

Best Lines:
“So caught up in paranoid hysteria that we’re all willing to bury ourselves in the ground.”

“Her paranoia has reached pathological levels.”

“Dragons are Evil and from the Devil.”
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