July 16th, 2015

Scary Books

Book Review: Lady Of Misrule

Lady Of Misrule by T.A. Pratt
The latest ‘Marla Mason’ novel is horrendous. Various characters talk endlessly, a mary-sue named Marzi pops up to take up valuable plot time and several badly defined baddies run around doing bad stuff that nobody cares about. Pratt’s writing style has deteriorated since he was dropped by his publishers and started self-publishing. Dude, get an editor. Marla returns to Felport in a massive anti-climax and does more crap and then there is a cliff-hanger.

Best Lines:
“I find humans objectionable.”

“I do not wish to speak to the valet,”

“I’m talking Korean-horror-movie freaky.”

“It’s a knife. You stab stuff with it.”

“I could turn him into a drooling cucumber.”
“It might be an improvement.”

“I’d rather put my dick in a food processor.”

“She doesn’t get to win. I can’t have that.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Movie Reviews: The House On Sorority Row + Cathy's Curse + The Possessed + 11 others

The House On Sorority Row (1983)
Sisters in life, sisters in death!
This was remade badly in 2009. This somewhat decent original stars Eileen Davidson of ‘Days Of Our Lives’ and Harley Jane Kozak. This is set in a sorority house and has 80s suitcases, 80s fashion, a vinyl collection and a filthy ominous pool. It is summer but 7 sorority sisters stay at party at the urging of bitchy Vicki (Davidson). The over bearing housemother Mrs Slater does not approve. Beer is drunk, the twits bitch and one girl discusses her job at Pan Am.

There are cocaine jokes, corny music, perms and something weird is going on. This was a huge hit back in the day apparently. Mrs Slater waves her evil silver cane, Vicki makes out with her mancandy on a waterbed covered in silk sheets. She has an unappealing personality. There are homages to ‘Diabolique’ and toys in the attic, broken toys. There is hilarious overacting, vague weirdness and Mrs Slater denies Vicki her big o by slashing her waterbed. Vicki plots revenge cue cackling and demented smiling as Mrs Slater dies. Or does she?

Vicki gets slapped. People get murdered and bodies end up in the fetid pool. There is a very very long dull party populated by cartoon broad goings on. This was fairly decent but not soul wrenching.

Best Lines:
“Anyone ever clean that pool?”

“I’ll see that what you did is remembered.”

“There’ll be no problems.”

“Deserted enough for you?”

“Get off me.”

“A toast to law school.”

“Who us?”

“I want you all out by tomorrow.”

“We always do it here.”

“Look what daddy brought his little girl.”

“You filth! Trash like you doesn’t belong in my house!”

“Gimme that gun!”

“Oh my god the band’s here!”

“Stall the band!”

“Won’t she float?”

“I’m a sea pig!”

“Floated out of that pool?”

“Gotta get rid of her.”

Cathy’s Curse (1977)
I sent mommy to the madhouse, I scared the butler to death, I threw nanny out the window. Now three of us are left. Daddy, dolly and me me me!
I had heard how horrible this film was but I had to see it to believe it. This has ugly wallpaper, bizarre dialogue, an unclear plot and the 4:3 aspect ratio is treated as a suggestion not a rule.

Things happen for no clear reason, mad synthesiser music blares, a rabbit causes a car crash, a car catches on fire, there is random on screen text and the print is bad with bizarre colour. Was this made as a joke or a tax shelter? Who are the characters? What is going on? I have no idea. There is ugly hair and no discernable quality. The child Cathy explores the attic and encounters a huge frog statue and a fugly doll. Then gets possessed. This was horrible, cheap, sour, heavy handed and sketchy.

Best Lines:
“Your mother’s a bitch!”

“You and I both know I’ve had a nervous breakdown!”

“Your women are coming.”

“What’s that filthy rag?”

The Possessed (1977)
A TV movie that sees satanic forces at a girls school causing fires. Only notable for a perv teacher (Harrison Ford) burning up. Co stars James Farentino, Diana Scarwid and P.J. Soles. Lame.

Jennifer (1978)
This is ‘Carrie’ with snakes. A shy unhappy scholarship girl at a posh school (the same building used for ‘Deadly Lessons’) is bullied so she kills them. Lacks inventiveness, talent or interest.

Carnival Of Souls (1962)

Looker (1981)
Stupid but has nice song.

Blood Beach (1980)
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, you can’t get to it. A monster in the sand eats people. Okay.

Alice Sweet Alice (1976)
A brat (Brooke Shields) is murdered. A yellow raincoat is worn. An evil landlord makes rape faces. This was daft.

The Philadelphia Experiment (1984)
Nancy Allen stars in this tale of time travel and secret experiments. This was no memorable.

Scissors (1991)
Sharon Stone stars in a bizarre thriller full of wide eyed hysterics, scissors, Ronny Cox, Michelle Philips, writing on widows and a raven. It is still crap.

Lady In White (1988)
Lukas Haas stars in this overdone ghostly ‘Stand By Me’ murder mystery knock off.

Village Of The Damned (1960)
Every woman in Midwich wakes up pregnant. The mass rape is shrugged off as the resulting alien children are all blonde, creepy weirdoes. Creepy.

April Fool’s Day (2008)
Disrespectful and crap remake.

The Stepfather (1987)

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Ant-Man’ TV spot

‘P.S.I Luv U’ (1991 - 1992) Intro
Connie Sellecca gurns, horrible music and super cheesy opening credits. This looks horrible.

‘The Edge Of Hell’ aka ‘Rock N Roll Nightmare’ trailer
An evil hand puppet?

‘P.S.I Luv U’ promo
The plot involves witness protection, pretending to be married and amnesia. This looks horrible and populated by people with personality disorders.

‘Southpaw’ TV spot
Boxing and no.

‘Cleveland Abduction’ trailer
Makes me uncomfortable.

‘Damien’ trailer
So it is a sequel. Damien has been reborn. Looks good.

‘Tales Of Halloween’ trailer
An anthology of 10 tales? Slutty Dorothy, bad screaming, stupid monsters and attack pumpkins. Mmmm.

‘Sherlock’ Christmas special
Dismembered country squires, the Victorian age, snow and ugly facial hair.

Best Lines:
“Did you enjoy it?”

“Hardly in the dog one.”

“Not a plot device.”

Garlic & Herb potatoes - yum.

I won’t read ‘Blood Sisters’.

Why does the Mexican army have falconers?

The ‘CSI: Cyber’ ep ‘Selfie 2.0’ was okay.

I won’t review ‘The Walking Dead’ 5x08 ‘Coda’ or ‘Hannibal’ 3x06 ‘Dolce’ because I’m frustrated by how badly the shows have eroded and I just don’t care.

‘Empire’ Quotes:
“Your mother tried to murder me.”

“Checkmate bitch.”

“Bitch ass face.”

“Run them pearls ho!”

“Child I don’t want no chicken.”

“You respect me!”

“Even god can’t kill me.”

“Game time bitches.”

Hawaii Five-0’ Quote:
“This is dirt on a cliff.”

‘CSI: Cyber’ Quotes:
“The abductor’s anthem.”

“Don’t get loud. Explain.”

“An obvious stressor.”

“Yes madam.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“That’s not even a problem.”

“Steroids are drugs.”

“Walked out of that dark place.”

“Personality problems.”

“Two weeks ain’t sober.”

“You can’t like your life.”

“You haven’t been so far.”

“We’re so far off.”

“Twisted and dependant.”

“Gender separate.”

‘Go Set A Watchman’ Quotes:
“The trash won’t wash out of him.”

“They’re trying to wreck us.”

“If you did not want much, there was plenty.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quote:
“He’s after murdering people.”

‘Monkey Life’ Quote:
“Pee Piquita, pee!”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: So Ste the twice married HIV positive father of three and lover of an abuser and an abuser himself is to hook with Tony’s son Harry? And TPTB don’t see any problem with this? Kim overworks her laser printer. Peri and Tom freak out over Leela’s idiot plan. Darren seems jealous of Maxine and Minnie. Grace’s nail polish changed colour overnight. Darren speaks negatively to Patrick; he’s a moron. Dylan has horrible hair. Kim is vile. Theresa wears tiny skirts and thinks Patrick is decent and tells Darren about the MND.

Darren criticises Maxine and she dresses like a lunatic clown. Darren has a negative communication style. Trevor wears a suit. Kim sees Grace as a sexual reward to be served up to her and has paranoid jealously. Poor Esther. Grace freaks out. Nico wears dark wine coloured lipstick. Leela interferes. Dylan has contempt for Trevor. Grace and Kim make out and Grace nearly pops out of her bra. Patrick’s toxic ways resurface as he attacks Theresa and she cowers.

Tom drinks. Sinead and Esther are friends why? Trevor, Dylan and Grace have a big fight. Theresa runs from Patrick. What stolen money does Patrick have? Trevor learns of Dylan cross dressing and has a massive meltdown. Dylan sabotages Trevor’s car. Kim drugs Esther to make her go into labour. Theresa tries to drag her two kids and tiny suitcase home. Patrick is sinister and treats Theresa like a hooker. Sinead and Esther are stranded and Esther is in labour.

Best Lines:
“Auctioning off our kid.”

“They’re flat pack!”

“Letting these people take my baby!”

“A dirty old lech!”

“Very immensely pregnant.”

“So he is actually dying right?”

“You’re emotionally unavailable.”

“Pregnant or far?”

“We made a baby.”

“I spiked her drink.”
“With what?”

“My son’s a tranny?”

“She cheats on you with a mad lesbian?”

“You’re stood there in a dress.”

“Haven’t you got a silly mummy?”

“Get that stuff off.”

“That’s even more disgusting!”

“One name, one family.”

“Like labour low?”

“Dylan the drag queen.”

“It doesn’t need saying Theresa.”
Scary Books

Mission Impossible 2x10 - 2x13 + CSI 15x04 Reviewed

For Art’s Sake
Are we meant to believe that after this series, Jim went on to work with Ethan bloody Hunt and turn traitor? Why did Cruise so irrevocably alter Jim’s character? An art thief strikes in ninja gear and wields a sword cane. Nicholas won’t button his shirt. Shannon has backcombed her hair excessively. The Raffles wannabe thief is Travers (Alex Cord). Nicholas looks suave. Clothes and technology from the 80s are on display.

Travers like Degas and Shannon hints at having an unknown Degas. Travers growls. Shannon wears horrible clothes. Grant creates a fake Degas with a glorified printer which seems to dry instantly. Travers steals the ‘Degas’ and ‘kills’ Shannon. Who makes the masks? The IMF does a comedic abduction involving identical poodles and a hot dog cart. Shannon dresses like Ivana Trump on an off day. Max is dumb muscle. The gang reveal themselves to Travers and he has an overacted defeat. This was very good.

Best Lines:
“Long and painful.”

“I’ll download the memory in his fax machine.”

“Really wanted that painting.”
“So did I.”

“You sure that painting we scraped off wasn’t worth anything?”

“Going down. Repeat: down.”

“I’ll fake you a reference shot.”

“Stupid woman!”

“Adios, minister!”

Deadly Harvest
Jared an evil scientist creates a virus that can damage wheat. He and a female colleague fight and a fire break out. The insidious project could do inestimable damage. So the dipped in St Tropez Nicholas pretends to be Jared after extensive plastic surgery. What becomes of the horribly burnt real Jared is never explained. Shannon pretends to be Jared’s now deceased female co-worker. Nicholas wears a striped orange tie.

TPTB hint at a Shannon/Nicholas hook-up which went nowhere. Nicholas wears video camera glasses. Jouseff K is the big bad. Jim wears a jacket that looks constructed from cheap carpet. Nicholas puts on a mad Arab accent. Jouseff K reacts to Nicholas pretending to be Jared by claiming he isn’t Jared which is sensible really. Nicholas convinces him by wearing fake fingerprints and an unbuttoned shirt.

There are huge floppy discs, a convoluted plot beyond any descriptive power, unacceptable behaviour and Nicholas has infinite resilience. Judgement is bestowed. This was good. Nicholas and Shannon erase Jared’s research, nobody has a copy. The baddies overact. Nicholas and Shannon get busted. Nicholas looks sweaty whilst handcuffed and wearing a billowing shirt. Max the lug bores. Nicholas gets an instant trial. Jim strides in claming to be an Amnesty International lawyer. Cue stonewalling and large ham grandstanding. The IMF escapes way too easily.

Best Lines:
“The camel-leopard.”

“The wheat sowing season is very close.”

“Not a pleasant memory.”

“Death and famine.”

“Now you bring me plants.”

“You will be given a fair trail and then you will be executed.”

“Can you find a bucket?”

“He gave no mercy and he’ll get none.”

Cargo Cult
In New Belgium, evil miners exploit a Stone Age tribe. Nicholas wears a bizarre tie, the miners are unintelligent moronic perverts and Jim has dynamite in his briefcase. There is a cargo cult, exploitation and Nicholas and Max nearly get thrown into a volcano. Nicholas is remarkably calm. The baddies have profound psychological problems, Shannon has no agency and the Stone Age tribe seem to speak English. There are terrible choices made and death. This was silly.

Best Lines:
“Your wanton disrespect.”

“Simple hill people.”

“This pigpen.”

“We’re gifts? To him?”

The Assassin
There is a mention of the EEC and slo-mo shots. There is bad CGI and a sinister force is behind a wave of assassination. Nicholas wears a batwing shirt. The assassins are linked to a stress clinic. The team members have no pasts and no stories. There is an instant printer. Nicholas pretends to be an alcoholic burnt out reporter to get into the stress clinic. Max does some bad acting. In his role as a desperate drunk, Nicholas gets drugged, operated on and psychologically sandblasted. The insta healing surgical incision on his neck is a thing. Shannon wears a fugly hat, 80s earrings and ugly shoes.

There is a moment of reactive comedy. The evil baddie with Trump hair subjects Nicholas to a weird ‘brainwashing’ video whilst smirking. Things get a little disturbing. Max and Shannon break cover when Nicholas acts like a borderline psychopath. Max and Nicholas fight and they end up in the pool. Shannon mispronounces OPEC and wears white stilettos.

The gang try to snap Nicholas out of it but don’t restrain him and he attacks Shannon who is inept. Grant goes on about mind control microchips. The assassination is tied into apartheid. The mask making process is shown. Nicholas punches glass and hasn’t a scratch on him. Nicholas jumps a zoo worker in hilarious fashion and the brainwashing ‘wears off’ or something. Nicholas shrugs it off and the precariat do nothing about the baddie getting eaten by lions. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Whatever he’s put in your head, fight against it.”

“Your day of destiny.”

“He’s behaving like he’s been brainwashed.”

“Have I missed something?”

“He’s still brainwashed.”

“I’ve been sidelined to Boston!”

“Where’s the nearest bar round here?”

“You’re losing it buddy!”

Book Of Shadows
A high school turns out to have witchcraft, murder, secrets and roids going on unnoticed. Characters act like jackasses, there is a cherry opal, exposition dumps and a desperate mom. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Tattooed on a dead biker’s ass. Blended nicely with his swastikas.”

“Chemistry teacher dealing meth.”
“Good show.”

“Creepy ass tapestries.”

“The janitor’s a witch?”

“I pretend not to know that my husband’s having a weekly tryst with a stripper named Tangerine.”

“Blood drops in his closet.”

“The foul modern text device.”

“We found Ed Lusk’s cauldron.”

“Cold serpent of death.”