July 14th, 2015


Humans 1x05 + The Americans 3x02 Reviewed

Humans 1x05
The sexbot runs and denigrates humans - her acts are un-sanitisable. Is Leo a synth or a cyborg? This went to crap faster than ’In The Flesh’. Didn’t the 1990s ’The Outer Limits’ do various eps about evil AI? This show started out so well but has descended into ordinariness. The synth cop fakes being human. The killer synth is huge news - it has serious negative connotations.

Is there some massive cover up/conspiracy going on? It’s inconclusive. There is no Youtube just ‘SharedView’. The well meaning George meets the sexbot. Why is George in the UK? George’s NHS synth Vera is creepy. Matilda is as succinctly annoying as her mother.

Who is Tom? Why does Laura throw strops whenever he is mentioned? Synths are recycled with care and dignity, allegedly. Joe is abjectly self-pitying. The sexbot is belligerent and George does a stealth Turing test. George’s ‘son’ synth is lost in the woods. This episodes does not invigorate. The sexbot is terse and George is a wry pragmatist. Leo tries to get Anita to be Mia - his ‘love’ is not reciprocated. He throws strops. Pete tells his wife that the rental agreement for Simon is up. She finds it indispensable and probably goes to bed with it. She’s checked out of her marriage and deserves no sympathy.

People see the spread of true AI as having insurmountable consequences. Leo and Laura have the personality of veruca socks. Leo rejects Anita. Laura, Toby and Matilda learn that Anita’s sex code was activated. Toby lubes up his bike and yells. Hobb turns out to have been involved in the creation of synths.

Best Lines:
“They’d fear us even more.”

“What are you?”

“When you die again.”

“I believe this to be an improper environment.”

“What are you feeling right now?”
“Boredom at that question.”

“Such a teenage cliché.”

“You worry me.”

“Would you like to see a ladybird?”

“What are you doing?”
“Having some carrot cake.”

“Flytipping him in the woods.”

“You must be very proud when you turn on the news.”

Nina’s in a grim prison. Philip is pensive which signifies his inner battle with the dark side. Elizabeth’s teeth hurt. Paige notices her parents’ oddness. Cotter Smith and Frank Langella guest star. The defector arrives in the USA in a crate but is she for real? Philip and Elizabeth and the other guy get rid of the body. Nina is reticent about her cellmate. Elizabeth reveals how she was recruited at 16 and how her hardliner mother reacted.

The murderer has an elusive persona. Oleg confronts Stan who doesn’t think he’s much to contend with. Oleg’s father visits Nina. Stan meets Sandra’s new man. Stan is affected by things but Sandra has moved on. Bad wigs are worn and Stan jokes about the Russians love of disguises. Gaad is awful, oh bad John Boy. This started out well but became mediocre.

Best Lines:
“She’s a teenager, in this country.”

“They’re looking for somebody my size who got her face slammed against the hood of a car.”

“Why a misfortune?”

“She told me to go and serve my country.”

“I don’t want her ending up in a suitcase.”

“We can’t go back.”

“Before you say anything, it was dark.”
Scary Books

5 Movie Reviews

Space Camp (1986)
Lea Thompson, Kelly Preston, Tate Donovan, Kate Capshaw and a horribly untalented Joaquin Phoenix star in this horribly sappy family movie derailed by its unfortunate resemblance to the real life Challenger disaster. This has an irritating robot, incompetent NASA staff who fail to recognise Morse code and it takes a teenager to think of landing in White Sands. The real NASA mission control would have let the shuttle full of teenagers blow up on the launch pad instead of launching it.

Best Lines:
“Wait till your parents get the bill for breaking Daedalus.”

“Launch us or we’re gonna explode!”

“We wanna breathe not dry clean our lungs.”

Frankenstein Created Woman (1967)
The 4th in the series. A dolt is persecuted for the sins of his father and falsely executed. His ugly girlfriend drowns herself and Frankenstein does a soul swapping resurrection. The revived girl kills people and Frankenstein shrugs it off. Okay.

The Brides Of Dracula (1960)
Christopher Lee isn’t in this. Van Helsing runs around gets bit and cauterizes the wound with a hot poker and holy water. He also uses a windmill to make a giant cross. Silly.

Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)
The 7th in the series sees the Count revived by hippies who got bored of jazz spectaculars. Van Helsing’s grandson (Peter Cushing) and his daughter (Stephanie Beacham) are in peril. Christopher Neame is a desperate wannabe. Hip chicks Caroline Munro and Marsha Hunt are in danger. Oddly enjoyable.

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Bond and a Russian agent take on another crazy super-villain who steals submarines, has an underwater base and feeds people to his shark. Henchman Jaws debuts and the opening scene contains the famous ski jump and the theme song is ‘Nobody Does It Better’. Okay.

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Suicide Squad’ trailer
The suicide squad, various d level baddies, Batman and the Joker looks like a diseased Billy Idol.

Best Line:
“I put em in a hole and threw away the hole.”

“I’m just gonna hurt ya really really bad.”

‘Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation’ TV spot
Will Ethan Hunt just die?!? Also Simon Pegg needs to piss off.

Best Lines:
“This isn’t going very well.”

“An anti-IMF.”

‘Partners In Crime’ promo
“What have we got ourselves into?”

‘The Americans’ 3x03 promo
Looks good.

‘Buckaroo’ ad
A tacky toy.

Spanish hot choc - okay.
Garlic puree & Philadelphia on a baguette - yum.

Fidelis et mortem - faithful in death.

It’s -233 Celsius on Pluto. I didn’t know about the Kuiper Belt which is made up of 100,000 small worlds.

‘Sapphire and Steel’ may be revived.

Some people think riders in the Tour de France are cheating by riding bikes powered by secret motors?

‘Odyssey’ Quotes:
“You killed my man and escaped. With a spoon.”

“Beastly people.”

“I do not care.”

“There’s nothing recognisable.”

“He was a good man down deep.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“A 5 day bender.”

“Even if I’m bored. I’ll do cocaine.”

“What needed to be talked about.”

“Affirmative misstatements.”

“Next question.”

“I am on to her.”

“Doing cocaine everyday.”

“A bad drunk.”

“You can eat food.”

“Go on, psycho! Go away!”

“He won’t live to see 30.”

“The internet king.”

“Next question.”

‘Inside The Ku Klux Klan’ Quotes:
“The Klan is awake.”

“That’s Nazi, I don’t like that.”

“Have a nice white day.”

“Dumb, too.”

“Doing a lot of drinking.”

“She’s not Klan material.”

“The invisible empire.”

“Polyester satin is a lot easier to work with.”

“Do not turn your back on the cross, ever.”

“Nothing successful.”

“I take everything as a genuine threat.”

“Hung up their hoods.”

“A non-hate organisation.”

“Going to meet their fate.”

“They’re communists.”

“I’m 5th generation Klanman.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Patrick fears losing his job and reputation over his MND - seeing as he didn’t lose either over being an abusive creep, he has nothing to worry about. Peri has a huge baby bump. Maxine confronts Patrick and he manipulates. Darren and Nancy ignore their kids. Patrick threatens that Minnie could go into care. Esther plans a water birth - Trevor’s love of fish is mentioned. Grace and Kim sneak around. Peri plans to have her bastard child adopted. Dylan is foul. Tom acts like he’s 45 and Nico looks like a gonk. What about the search for Rose? I wish Lindsey and hypnotoad would die. Where is Mitzeee? Patrick isn’t battering Theresa because he can’t.

Trevor plans a club. Kim is a nutter. Where is Cameron? Has Lockie abounded Porsche? Theresa is inconsiderate. Where is Sandy? Where is Tegan? Is Warren Fox dead? What happened to Dr Paul’s son? Where are Ste and Sinead? Leela annoys. Maxine needs to get away from the annoying Darren. Kim plans bad things for Trevor. Leela and Peri’s relative Angela shows up to annoy and sport poo coloured bronzer. Why is Theresa with Patrick? Where are her children? Leela is about to be a grandmother and never seems to go to work.

Best Lines:
“When you die, she comes to me.”

“He doesn’t know how to be different!”

“He’ll get really mad at me.”

“I expect you’re delighted.”

“Ah, here we go.”

“Talking about mucus plugs.”

“How do you know these things?”

“Don’t ask me to give you my blessing because I can’t.”

“You have no right to ask me for anything!”

“I thought you were the boy.”

“Patrick hasn’t got a conscience.”