July 13th, 2015

To Light The Way To Bed

Book Review: Sacraments Of Fire

Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Sacraments Of Fire by David R. George III
I went into this with tentative hopes that it would be good. It wasn’t. This was a confusing mess involving time travel, religious fanatic genocidal aliens, an attack, secrets of the wormhole aliens, trouble in the Bajorian religion, a mystery man, a really annoying villain who needs a good slap and pages upon pages of padding, whining and pap. This was stiff, dull and padded. Go away George III - just go away.
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Judas Ghost + Red State + Dracula + 14 others

Judas Ghost (2015)
This low budget UK horror is based on the ‘Ghost Finder’ novels by Simon R. Green. A Carnacki Institute team investigate a village hall. They view their jobs with sardonic detachment until they realise there has been a significant breach and they’re accosted by otherworldly forces. This was creepy despite a cast of unknowns and cheap sfx.

This was made in 2012 but not released until now. ‘Blood’ flies, manipulative ghosts pop up and there is raconteur. This falters a bit toward the end but is good, uncompromising, miserabilism done with wet mouthed malice.

Best Lines:
“You shouldn’t think so loudly.”

“They’re not the echoes of the living.”

“No one is to say come in or even think it.”

“Depends on what it’s knocking with.”

“No one comes back, not from where he is now.”

“Bad places make bad ghosts.”

“Even my piss is holy now!”

“Bloody stupid name.”

Red State (2011)
One remains unaffected by Kevin Smith who seems stuck in the 90s. His output hasn’t improved since ‘Mallrats’. Three teenage idiots who’ve never heard of the International Male catalogue are pitifully stupid and get abducted by a church of nutters who have an invincible belief in their own righteousness. The nutters have cool anger and there are detrimental consequences all round. This was terrible.

Best Lines:
“Suers not doers.”


“Dynamic entry.”

“I subdued the suspect with a head butt.”

“Watch that gay saliva. If it gets on you, it could turn you.”

“Protest that dead Pope’s funeral.”

“God takes pictures too.”

Dracula (1958)
The late Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee star in this horror that was rated X back in the day but is tame now. Blood looks like ketchup, women wander around in uplifting night attire, the impeccably wholesome Harker is not shown in an entirely positive light and Dracula runs the gamut from deliciously demonic to ghastly. This spawned numerous sequels despite being unfaithful to the book.

This was melodramatic and the time, era and place are not well evoked. Van Helsing shows up to fight the gloating Dracula. There is a bad child actress in peril and this was not searing and has no tear inducing pathos. Risible women fall for misleading misconceptions. This was overworked and workmanlike. However the final confrontation between Van Helsing and Dracula is good.

Best Lines:
“But it’s horrible!”

“Soon it will be sundown and they will walk again.”

“This vile contagion.”

The Curse Of Frankenstein (1957)
The infamous Baron (Peter Cushing) who is dead in the eyes with an aura of self loathing and despair builds a creature (Christopher Lee). His mooching cousin Elizabeth moves in. This was tired and sad.

Best Line:
“I’m quite rich.”

Porky’s (1982)

Howard The Duck (1986)
A girl falls for an intergalactic waterfowl. This was almost entirely without merit.

Escape From New York (1981)

Paris, Texas (1984)

The Cook, The Thief, His wife and Her Lover (1989)

Robocop (1987)
Insensitive camp.

Fatal Attraction (1987)

Harlem Nights (1989)

Ruthless People (1986)

Quick Change (1990)

Throw Momma From The Train (1987)

When Harry Met Sally (1989)
I don’t like it.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand (1978)
An okay tale of Beatles fans.

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice’ trailer
Bruce stares, Alfred looks like a hipster, Holly Hunter sounds medicated, Lex has hair, a trashed Robin suit, kryptonite, war, Wonder Woman and the Batmobile gets trashed. Looks good.

‘Doctor Who’ series 9 trailer
Bad hair, monsters, Daleks, Missy and endless endless Clara. Not impressed.

‘Mission Impossible’ 2x06 promo
Stock footage and Max is menaced.

‘Australia’s Hardest Criminals’ promo

Best Line:
“Complete fruit loop.”

‘Inside Out’ promo

Best Lines:
“You too anger.”
“Don’t touch me.”

‘The Saboteurs’ promo

‘Witnesses’ promo
French crime drama - maybe.

‘Fired By Mum & Dad’ promo

‘Broad City’ promo
“I’m sorry I got you maced.”

RIP Roger Rees.

Anyone else recall the Buckaroo toy? Or the 1983 to 1987 ‘Fraggle Rock’?

I wouldn’t mind having a natural bathing pond in the garden.

Seville orange choc - nice.
After Eight brownie - yum.
Toffee macaroon - divine.
Chilli fries - okay.
Blue cheese dip - okay.
Galaxy’s instant hot choc - okay.

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“Never asked the Germans to start this nonsense.”

‘The Young Ones’ Quotes:
“A filthy dirty ‘orrible toilet.”

“You spotty little bastard!”

‘White Chicks’ Quote:
“Holy Christ!”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“The calculated and vicious release of false innuendo to sully his reputation.”

“Remains intolerant of deviations from the polished norm.”

“Kingsley wouldn’t have liked it, but he didn’t like much.”

“If you don’t know what a decent suit is someone can give you advice.”

“Known for “wandering aimlessly through Tallaght”.”

“The car park that time, good taste and practicality forgot.”

“Not exactly sparkling with the recent kiss of toilet duck.”

“All soggy and morose.”

‘Flowers In The Attic’ Quotes:
“This is all we have now.”

“Beautiful, prideful and weak.”

‘Irish Independent’ Quotes:
“Tottering around on big heels.”

“Such a rapid decline in his reputation.”

“Epically ill-judged.”

The Fever’ Quotes:
“Like living at the bottom of an old man’s shoe.”

“Making occasional, unwelcome reappearances.”

“Locked in a cage by a man she met on the internet.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“I’m onto you mommy!”

“Even their cable guy...reported him to CPS.”

“Beat your ass.”

“Shut your mouth over there.”

“A bad seed.”

“Grow up and learn.”

“Disrespectful little brat.”

“I’m the king of this house.”

“Little bastard.”

‘The Daily Telegraph’ Quotes:
“A sacred social totem.”

“Weeping over the sausage rolls.”

“A left-on-the-shelf lather.”

“He cheats it well.”

“Don’t be so big.”

“Nobody flunks acting.”

“That’s a constant fear.”

“Unapologetically crass.”

“Brusingly confrontational.”

“Mischievous malcontent.”

“Comic flaccidity.”

“Biopic corn.”

“Creepy, muffled tenor.”

“Whinge-drinking naffness.”

“The gaspers.”

“Chainsmoked in the Cortina with the windows closed and we were grateful.”

“Moral turpitude.”

‘Teen Mom 2’ Quote:
“People are lying dude.”

‘Futurama’ Quote:
“Snake door. Roger.”

“Teen Mom OG’ Quote:
“Negativity of stuff.”

‘UnREAL’ Quotes:
“Not wife material.”

“Act a little bit more charming.”

“Be a good meat puppet.”

“More pillar candles.”

“You’re now fired.”

Dear relative: thank god you have left. You were ungrateful, lazy and barged into rooms, sat down and talked excessively. You never said thanks; you whined, hogged food and acted like the world owes you something. Stop obsessing over the 80s - they’re done.

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Joe and Mercedes decide to have their baby. Mercedes recalls that Bobby exists. Freddie apologies to Joe. Cleo is an idiot and seems to regard Porsche as competition for Pete. It’s impossible to have sympathy for her. Maxine somehow gets into Patrick’s flat and sees him collapsed on the floor. She learns about his MND but has no idea what it is.

Best Lines:
“I told you! I’m drunk!”

“I can be trusted. I can do trust.”
Pretty Smart

Mission Impossible 2x05-2x11 + Odyssey 1x07 + True Blood 7x06 + The Last Ship 2x02 Reviewed

Jim bothers a mime and wears a dung coloured cardi. A nuke is stolen by a woman who may be a take on The Lady. A religious leader known as The Holy One is worshipped. Jim watches his nice curved TV. Max wears an ugly suit. The gang set up a fake American Clinic. An evil General (Cary-Hiroyui Tagawa) plots. Grant creates the 80s version of a stupid statement dance mix.

This had no genuine despair but had horrid 80s suits and was stupidly entertaining. Nicholas fakes being a newsreader and everybody seems to speak English. Inexplicably the ruthless religious zealot terrorist has mis-emotions. This had no emotional content or moral constraints and was painfully earnest and lifeless dunkytosh.

Best Line:
“You put it there?”

War Games
More camp from the greed age. There is stock footage and war games may become real. An astrology obsessed nutter is nuts. Shannon pretends to be an indignant astrologer. Nicholas has massive shoulder pads and pretends to be an UN observer. Lunacy is unearthed but is not emotionally disturbing or surprisingly touching. Max is menaced. Everyone speaks English.

There is a 1980s flash drive. Bad guys shout all their lines. Shannon wears a flamingo shaped brooch and the IMF do witless humiliation of their confrontational target. Shannon wears poo coloured blusher and eye shadow. Nicholas looks sexually aroused by danger. This was okay. Max does a ‘Cape Fear’ move, there are ridiculous computer graphics and this is the 1st (and only?) episode in which a diminutive of Nicholas’ name is used.

Best Lines:
“His evil ambitions.”

“Jumped up peasants.”

“The decadent aristocracy.”

“Silly advice.”

“Carefully. Very carefully.”

“The map is malfunctioning!”

“Ignore the map!”

Target Earth
Eurospace a private space agency is located in the Australian bush. The ship, Frontier One, looks exactly like the space shuttle. There are mentions of a new space lab and space laser. Footage from ‘Space Camp’ is used. Shannon fakes being a pilot. It is never addressed why the IMF are prepared to die for their country. An evil dude steals Frontier One. People react remarkably calmly to the terrorist takeover. There is bad sfx and no security. This was ridiculous camp and the baddie’s plan is ridiculous. Shannon has to do a space walk and land Frontier One. This was not significant. Shannon is the 1st and only IMF member in space - suck on that Tom Cruise. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“A new dimension in terror.”

“Half of Europe’s out.”

“Who by damn did it?”

“Cigarette now!”

“How the hell did you get there?”

The Fuhrer’s Children
Neo-Nazis plot. The IMF is disapproving. Things get dark. Nicholas wears an orange tie. The gang are in Germany. There is a mention of Noriega. Jim pretends to be South African and doesn’t even bother with the accent. Grant gets busted. Nicholas and Shannon find the neo-Nazis secret weapon - a gaggle of brainwashed Hitler youth children. They are suitably appalled. It’s like the 'Tomorrow Belongs To Me’ scene in ‘Cabaret’.

Nicholas wears a three piece suit. Max is called a true Aryan. The Hitler youth are sent to hunt Grant. But the IMF teaches the kids about MLK. Sap flies as years of brainwashing are shrugged off. Does anyone recall that Nicholas is a drama teacher? The lunatic gets got, nobody in Germany notices or cares about the packs of neo-Nazis running around and there is grot. The Berlin wall had fallen by this point but that isn’t mentioned.

Best Lines:
“Thieving trash.”

“The Fuhrer, sir, our god and master.”

“He had a dream.”

In a horribly inaccurate Ireland there is tweed, flat caps, horse drawn carts, sheep, bad accents, people saying top of the morning to you and cars from the 50s. A van full of pensioners is blown up by an arms dealer to monetise the conflict so the IMF shows up to create a social democratic utopia. There is an emotive tin whistle soundtrack and Nicholas doesn’t do much. This has heightened polarised primary colours, Shannon singing pub songs and a delightfully camp plan to fake a banshee to make the bad guys unravel.

There is an actual line painted down the middle of the pub to keep the sides apart. This ep was funny but I don’t think it was meant to be. This was written by someone who probably has never even spoken to an Irish person. Jim wears a flat cap and organises a fistfight. Nicholas won’t button his shirt. Nobody comments that the banshee looks like the new pub singer in a bad wig and bed sheet.

Everyone is superstitious, the fiery hellpit the old people died in is left by the side of the road because police don’t seem to exist in this version of Ireland also at night there are crickets. Of all the various iterations of the IMF, this is my fav. The IMF force peace on venomous enemies. The baddies play it grimly earnest and lack normal responses. One isn’t emotionally buoyed by the sometimes crass and stupid plot but it is entertaining. Nicholas is ever convivial. Jim urges talking. The stunningly unpleasant and uncannily stupid baddies and their puffed up egos get got via outdated technology. Shannon, Grant and Jim pretend to be portents of doom and sadness. The baddies find this to be exacting to the point of madness. This was goodish, I prefer this show to the 60s version.

Best Lines:
“They’ll not be laughing.”

“Yes I noticed that - several times.”

“You’re not going to need that pitchfork.”

“We can go over there tonight and blow them both away.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea. They might use those machine guns on us.”

“One more foul deed.”

“Rabble-rousing trash!”

“Keep to your side of the line!”

“Shut your face!”

“It’s the old people! Singing!”

“Jim, it’s time to ride.”

Soup Sandwich
Watery Peter does uninteresting stuff. Odelle is the victim of more claggy plotting. I don’t care about the mysteries, enigmas or concentrated uncertainties. Manbot Harrison and his utterly forgettable plot are pedantic. Bob and his chewy diction bores - it is still perplexing how he went from potentially interesting in 1x01 to zero. The plot scrabbles, fetid people exercise malign influence and this was devoid of merit. Peter’s annoying wife needs to go. Peter’s actively hostile brat daughter is odious. If he killed them both with a hammer he’d go up in my estimation. Odelle’s husband gets a clue. The moral of this show is that stupid useless whining women ruin things for good men. Manbot Harrison treats his friends with crap. The ‘celebrity’ is beat up, Odelle doesn’t care. The drug dealer/drug hoover is clearly unstable and this show is not ingenious just piffle.

Best Lines:
“I’m not afraid. I’m a celebrity.”

“Now. Right now.”

“I’m not sure I believe you.”

“This is not good.”

“Have a nice life.”

“It didn’t exactly go as planned.”
“How bad?”

“Stay away.”

This is getting pathetic.”

There is more violence by Eric and Pam. TPTB are toughly predictable. Bill the creator’s pet murders a lawyer (Kathleen York of ‘Vengeance Unlimited’) and some other guy and gets away with it as he’s Bill. Nobody cares about Jessica and her uncertainties and discomfort. James and his sexy squirrel eyes does stuff. People swear like truckers. Sarah makes a reveal. Eric pretends to care about his ‘sister’. Nobody asks if Arlene and Holly are now Hep-V positive too.

Eric has no genuine personal grievances - plenty of people deserve to be revenged on him for all his crap. Amber lisps around her fangs. Jason’s stupidity is a bit tired. Holly is a moron. TPTB have no discernable skills. There are more visions of Tara. I hate Bill.
What is Hep-V? Has that ever been addressed? This ep was all unlovely energies. Attention parasite Sookie gets Hep-V, I’m amazed she hasn’t got an STD. She and Jason brood outside the wonderfully named GrabitKwik store. Bill has issues over his will and Sarah makes a big reveal.

Best Lines:
“They sell anti-glamour contacts at the Walgreens now.”

“Cry me a river.”

“Don’t you think the machete is overkill?”

“You’re the mayor of crazy.”

“She was taking you straight to hell woman!”

“You’re technically dead.”

“They’re seizing assets.”

Fight The Ship
No emotional fallout just ill-advised dramatic focus on guns and people without moral grandeur who don’t strive to be liked. Sense is eschewed. Events are jollied along. The XO gurns and kills someone with an axe because you just know Adam Baldwin insisted on that scene. The retrevability of the quality of season 1 is in doubt. People blithely kill each other over bogus philosophies. There is no invention or incisiveness.

A horrible brat informs. There are more gunfights, more people get shot, no one runs out of ammo, there are explosions and Adam Baldwin gurning wildly. There are fistfights, Chandler’s family annoy and there is a musical montage. The rebel and Granderson both die. Now what? The Red Flu is still out there, the USS Nathan James has been liberated and this was assiduously terrible.

Best Lines:
“Your killing zone at Olympia.”

“A trial or a funeral.”

“To be murdered and sent to the ovens!”

“Surrender with honour.”

“It’s dark enough.”

“Flush em up, out and back aft.”

“Time to fight!”

“Full of sickies.”


“We didn’t have to be enemies.”
“Yeah we did.”

“So this is home.”