July 9th, 2015

Pretty Smart

The Walking Dead 5x07 + Hannibal 3x05 Reviewed

This show has no concept of nuance or honest rationale. Rick and his gang of jerks smash up Gabriel’s church. ‘You’ll burn for this’ is carved into the church. Rick is consistently annoying and won’t listen to counter arguments. Now Eugene’s misrepresentations are out, Abraham has had a breakdown. People try to cure it by yelling and gun pointing. Typical mismanagement. I contemplate why I still watch this show. Non aspirational banter is exchanged. Rick never considers talking to people.

Beth is completely consistent in being dumb. The gang mock zombies overlooking the fact they are human remains. People are jerks, no wonder things don’t get better. Rick just won’t stop provoking violence. Rick and co’s learnt response is to shoot. They are idiots and this was crap, clumsy and brutal.

Best Lines:
“Daryl takes the guard out.”

“Knives and silent weapons.”

“Theirs for ours.”

“Trying and doing are two different things.”

“She’s not worth the effort.”

“So guess.”

Whispering and Barthelme absurdity fill this episode. I feel indifference and impatience for this show which despite its arty pretensions has little snap, wit or insight. It’s overstuffed, bland and pedestrian and things happen for no discernible rational reason. Hannibal is nefarious, Jack chucks his wife’s ashes and his wedding ring into a river whilst overacting and Alana babbles to Mason. Do they know Hannibal is in Italy with Bedelia? Will is pushed off a train, Jack and Hannibal have a fight which Hannibal loses and yet Jack does not arrest him. This was terrible.

Best Lines:
“Are we obligated to talk?”

“All the elements of epiphany were present.”

Movie Reviews: Girlfriend From Hell + The Delinquents

Girlfriend From Hell (1989)
Liane Curtis, Dana Ashbrook of ‘Twin Peaks’ and Lezlie Deane star in this dreadful sexist horror-comedy. It has an okay themes song, a showcase of hideous 80s fashion and that is about it. Nerd Maggie (Curtis) is set up on a blind date with nerd Carl. Maggie’s best friend (Deane) and her annoying voice annoy. There is a party with self-evidently awful people. 80s tech, terrible acting, self serving toxic people, bad dialogue and cheapness fill this film which rapidly disillusions viewers of any enjoyment.

Maggie is possessed by satan and goes from slob to 80s style ‘knockout’ with an ugly red dress, fingerless gloves and Elvira hair. A sexist violent moronic devil chaser (Ashbrook) chases satan as do violent nuns. There are fights, shagging, cake and people have an accepting attitude to Maggie’s personality change and smoking at first. This never shifts into drive phase and was ubiquitously terrible, inept and unfunny. This was incompetent, domestic violence is treated as funny and this was a pointless misstep. This gives a paucity of enjoyment.

Best Lines:
“Pick it up the way I did: from the neighbourhood slut.”

“Your sister Rosie used to love it.”

“What’s with all this dumb party stuff?”

“You eat fish!”

“I have my pride you know.”

“My boss doesn’t invite him.”

“I bet he was throwing up again.”

“Mr hot shot devil chaser.”

“EAT YOUR FOOD! Before I make you eat it.”


“That’s devil’s nectar.”

“It’s bad girls like Maggie that make decent girls like me do this sort of thing.”

“Is she dead?”
“Nah, I think she fell on her head.”

The Delinquents (1989)
Crappy Kylie Minogue film.
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Self/less’ TV spot

‘The Gallows’ TV spot

Milk chocolate - yum

I am reading ‘Sacraments Of Fire’.

Read an interview with Christopher Ryan of ‘The Young Ones’. He does stage work now and to him, the show was so long ago.

Dear relative: I’m tired of cleaning up after you, I’m tired of you being seemingly incapable of doing your own laundry. I’m tired of your utter inability to recycle and your recourse to alcohol at 4pm. Also stop obsessing over keys!

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Evil twisted liar.”

“So many disturbing things.”

“A crusade to ruin her.”

“You’re such a liar.”

“Where were you?”

“Emergency shelter care.”

“You failed to show up.”

“Just plain stupid.”

“Sent him dirty pictures.”

“Very harsh times.”

“I almost died because of it!”

“I wasn’t doing it.”

“What did you do with our food stamps?”

“You insult her.”

“So done with his mother.”

“Everything that makes you evil.”

“Because you’re on drugs.”

“Explain the drugs I found in my garage.”

“I cleaned up your drugs.”

“Your dad threw me out.”

“Like he was incapable.”

“Ruined my name in the industry.”

“Depressive psychosis.”

“Meth babies.”

“Your filthy house.”

“Can we pause?”

“We lost our TV.”
“The TV already had a hole in it.”

“Even if we begged - where we you?”

“Bad mouth me.”

“Play the sob story.”

“Horrible rotten things.”

“Very strong and powerful distain.”

“Any positive regard whatsoever.”

“Fails to recognise her responsibilities.”

“A contributing citizen.”

“Exclusionary criteria.”

“Onset trigger.”

“Why is this funny to you?”

“Sick psycho.”

“Queen of crocodile tears.”

“You know that you messed up.”

“That’s your idea of parenting?”

“What is your goal there?”

“She’s praying to a candle.”

“Spiders will come onto you in your sleep.”

‘Game Of Thrones’ Quotes:
“His sins do not pardon your own.”

“They’re bastards born of incest and adultery.”

“I deny it.”

“Falsehood and fornication.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quote:
“The face of a dead louse.”

‘Days Of Our Lives’ Quotes:
“Despicable things I’ve said to you.”

“I know you love me.”

“Your lovely wife will be reduced to a pile of bones.”

“Sounds like an order.”

“Let her go.”
“I don’t think so.”

‘The Young Ones’ Quotes:
“That I did not expect.”

“Mike you bastard.”

“Vyv, chuck the telly out the window.”

“It’s risotto Mike.”
“It’s snow isn’t it Neil?”

“Piss face.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Lockie treats Porsche like crap and bangs John-Paul. Robbie makes Phoebe’s funeral all about him. None of Phoebe’s friends show up. Robbie shags Nancy. Lindsey rubs self tanner on Ziggy’s ass. Reenie is manipulated by Pete. Rose is still missing. No-one cares. Patrick shags Theresa. Lockie and the McQueens are disgusting dismissing Porsche as a lying attention seeker. Nana is stupid and treats Porsche as the enemy. She and John-Paul denounce Porsche. Nobody believes Porsche. Cleo gets ready to shag Pete. Again. Where is Matthew? Cleo is a moron, Lockie justifies his cheating and Reenie is pathetic. Lockie and John-Paul mock Porsche and shag. I hate these people.

Best Lines:
“We love you Petey!”

“She’s making it up!”

“See what she’s like?”

“Porsche is a disgrace.”

“You? Of all people?”

“She had a reputation Lockie.”

“Meat feast was it?”

“You pickled old witch.”

“Not my problem.”

“Pete’s done one.”

Book Reviews: The Moorstone Sickness + Grants Pass

The Moorstone Sickness by Bernard Taylor
This slim 1982 novel sees a couple move to a small town with a secret. She’s wet, he’s a boor and the ‘mystery’ of what is going on is obviously telegraphed and contingent on the couple being morons. While it has initial promise; sloppy writing and sexism drag the potentially good narrative down. This is not recommended.

There are dated references to a collection of seventy-eights, smoking in cafes, someone having polio and attending a Glenda Jackson play. There is sexual harassment, patronising behaviour and grown women are described as girls. The wife acts like London is a hellhole. Worst of all there is a horrendously bad sex scene in which the phrase “rampant hardness” is used.

Best Lines:
“His stertorous breathing.”

“While the particular villagers - their benefactors - end up dying in the nuthouse.”

Grants Pass: A Post-Apocalyptic anthology edited by Jennifer Brozek & Amanda Pillar

In a moment of whimsy, a woman posts a blog declaring Grants Pass the ideal place of sanctuary in case of something happening. Mmm.

Three bio-engineered plagues are released that coincide with bizarre weather. Iffy.

An Unkindness Of Ravens
After the end a hooker meets a reactionary militarist. This was written without any discernible talent.

Best Line:
“We stopped laughing when the plagues hits New York.”

A dull inert tale of verminous cretins.

Hell’s Bells
A nihilistic lunatic child reacts obliviously to the end and then becomes an ominous spectre. Try hard.

Self absorbed, hypocritical, tantrum throwing astronauts on the ISS get morose and it leads to awful chaos. This was excruciatingly rudimentary.

Animal Husbandry
I read this in ‘Wastelands 2’; the twist is the ‘heroine’ is putrid and vile, carrying out squalid acts. This was very good.

Men Of Faith
A group of good old boys head for Grants Pass. But one of them has an abhorrent plan. Good.

The Chateau De Mons
A teenager waxes epistemologically on what to do after the end. Okay.

The Few That Are Good
A badly written tale of two disreputable dim brothers who think they have the smug hegemony on being good and forcibly enforce their own authority.

Rights Of Passage
After the end, two’s company and three’s a crowd especially if one has self proclaimed inadequacies. This was not faultless.

A Perfect Night To Watch Detroit Burn
Canadians v Americans and various preconceptions. This was existentially null.

Final Edition
Small town madness is unconditional yet bad.

Best Line:
“Ducks in Lake Crook were staring at me again yesterday.”

The Discomfort Of Words
A blood curdling tale of a woman alone in Lanzarote. Very good.

Newfound Gap
Anarcho-primitivism is the way as preconceptions of the past are ripped away. The days of humanity have finitude. Very good.

Ink Blots
A solitary woman goes looking for someone, anyone else, who may have survived. Okay.

Black Heart, White Mourning
Another nihilistic lunatic deals with the end. Okay.

By The Sea
In Cyprus an old woman is determined to do things her way. Creepy.

What became of Grants Pass? Did it work? This hints at the answers. Okay.

The end and the beginning as the woman who posted the Grants Pass blog heads there to see if it worked. Okay.