June 28th, 2015

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘General Hospital’ opening credits

‘Dallas Buyers Club’ trailer
Oscar bait.

‘The Fifth Estate’ trailer
Bad dye job, bad accent, just no.

‘Alaskan Bush People’ promo

‘The Americans’ season 3 promo
Bad wigs, punching, jaw clenching and Paige as a spy. I’ll be watching.

RIP Patrick Macnee.

Poor Tim Curry.

I won’t review ‘Made For You’.

Remember the halfpenny?

Super Seed Snack with apple & cinnamon - okay.
Raspberry Jaffa Cakes - yum.
Non-dairy Raspberry Sorbet - okay.

Dear relative: stop breathing like a sex offender, frying messes in pans, moving around drying clothes and opening windows too far. Also stop whining that nobody checked on you. You’re an adult. Shut it.

I still miss ‘The Cape’ which was axed devastatingly early which was an emotional hammer blow to those who wanted to see more of Peter Fleming but not the ‘hero’ spiralling into degradation.

‘Teen Mom OG’ Quotes:
“I’m thankful for my tanning bed.”

“She’s nasty dude. She’s got no morals.”

‘General Hospital’ Quotes:
“Captivity humour.”

“I’m not in the WSB.”

“Dr Scorpio-Drake.”

“Commandeered my family’s island.”

“My dear sister-in-law.”

“Two dead Cassadines.”

“You are going to bring them back.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Knicker shops, amusement arcades, fast food joints, tacky souvenir shops and derelict sites.”

“Words were exchanged.”

“Very negative peer group.”

“Concerns he misused tablets.”

“Does anybody care?”

“From one jazz dive to another.”

“It’s industrial international bullying.”

“Laughing at her online.”

“Shaming and blaming.”

“Failings and frailties.”

“Decline of cineliteracy.”

“Must also deconstruct, contextualise and recalibrate.”

“His many paintings of anuses.”

“Enact pratfalls.”

“Galloping coincidences and startling improbabilities.”

“Comparatively quiet.”

“More pointless celebrity cameos than Cannonball Run II.”

‘Days Of Our Lives’ Quotes:
“It’s all that opera he’s been listening to. It just warped his mind. Look what it’s done to yours.”

“What purpose is it now that you serve?”

“My bastard son.”

“Shut up you pig!”

“That slut that you call your mother.”

“Are you about to die?”

“He could not care less.”

“You’re so utterly alone.”

“You can talk to me you fool!”

“How has he done that?”

“Thank the good lord.”

“Do you think it’s a lost cause?”
“Not completely. Not yet anyway.”

‘Naked & Afraid: Bares All’ Quotes:
“I ate a parrot head.”

“Wound up with three diseases.”

“Cooked grubs taste like bacon.”

“Somebody left a urine sample out in the sun.”

“Weird toxins in it.”

“Inappropriate colour.”

“Munching on a beak.”

Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Little more questionable crowd.”

“Bought her innocence.”

“A very dark and destructive path.”

“Whore, crackhead, worthless piece of scum.”

“Negative and ugly.”

“It was harsh.”

“An addict and a liar.”

“She’s trash.”

“Not looked at as good people.”

“IV meth addict.”

“Brings shame to their family.”

“Something good doesn’t happen.”

“A very bad image.”

“Concerned about being embarrassed.”

“Why did these people kick the door down?”

“Contextualise this.”

“Momentum trend pattern.”

“I don’t know how to do it right.”

“In a hot minute.”

“In some rough waters.”

‘Robin Hood’ (2006) Quotes:
“Nobody will miss him! Least of all me!”

“Showing their breeding.”

“Pilgrims no-ones ever heard of.”

“What will you do? Cry?”

“The daughter you have. Not the daughter you wanted.”

‘FTWeekend’ Quotes:
“Negotiate safe passage.”

“More male relatives were called to the house.”

“The family remained unreconciled.”

“Shame-triggered violence.”

“Irredeemable deviation.”

“All rational thought is suspended.”

“Self-satisfied air.”

“It is wished that the practice of stopping on the paved walk to look in at the windows should be discontinued.

“Gauche, droll cackle.”


“Famously voluble.”

“Floozies in bonnets.”

“Refused to lose.”

“Intellectual eunuch.”

“Screwing up was her thing.”

“Succumbed to dictator worship.”

“Ill-suppressed grin.”

“Faded one.”

“A promising deal with Atari video games ended with truckloads of cartridges being buried in a desert in New Mexico.”

“The trend crashes.”

“The avenging and repentant.”

“In descending order of artistic merit.”

“1990s nostalgia.”

“Floppy, overcooked fusilli.”

“No right to decide who is honourable.”

“I felt I was trying to eat a privet hedge.”

“Scholarly bilge.”

“Arid jargon.”

On ‘Neighbours’: Paige encourages Brad and Lauren’s adultery. Poor Terese - why does she put up with the surfer bum Brad? Paige wants Terese gone. Paul’s daughter Amy is an idiot.

Best Line:
“Mum and Dad would be happier if they were a couple again.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Tony is shifty. I hate Tegan and Leela is a dumb bint. Diane is arrested for abducting Rose. Tony freaks out. Ben is weird. Tegan faked Rose’s abduction for the attention. Leela needs to be kicked, hard.

Book Reviews: The Albino’s Treasure + Armageddon’s Arrow + Get Dirty + Dead Until Dark

The Albino’s Treasure by Stuart Douglas
For four years Titan books have churned out crap like ‘The Web Weaver’, ‘The Will Of The Dead’, ‘The Spirit Box’, ‘The Army of Dr Moreau’, ‘The Stuff Of Nightmares’, ‘Gods Of War’, ‘The Titanic Tragedy’ and ‘Sherlock Holmes vs. Dracula’ but this is okay. There are art thefts and murders. Watson is disgruntled and Holmes indulges in his usual morbid self-indulgent propensity for drama. Baddies run around, Watson gets morally outraged and there is a great big reveal. Let us hope Titan books maintain the upsurge in quality.

Star Trek The Next Generation: Armageddon’s Arrow by Dayton Ward
This was terrible. The Enterprise E is out exploring The Odyssean Pass when it encounters a drifting derelict sleeper ship. This leads to much endless talking, a war that has raged for generations, Taurik learning something he shouldn’t, endless boredom and Mary-Sue character T’Ryssa Chen being an irritant.

I don’t care about the aliens, their war or their pain. I loathe creator’s pet T’Ryssa Chen and I cannot abide Crusher and Picard doing nothing but cooing over their dribbling toddler whilst other characters act as a Greek chorus to tell us over and over and over again how much marriage and fatherhood have changed Picard for the better. This is un-compelling, non-suspenseful and un-intriguing.

Best Line:
“We have heard stories of great civilizations living far away among the distant stars.”

Get Dirty by Gretchen McNeil
The sequel to ‘Get Even’. The revenge seeking DGM are in trouble. Now someone is getting revenge on them. The foursome try to figure out who is tormenting them whilst learning their campaign of revenge was not always a dish best served cold. This is a good tale of vile teenagers, vengeance, the price of revenge and a deranged baddie who you won’t see coming.

Best Lines:
“You can be Ant-Man.”
“I’m totally Hawkeye.”

“Didn’t Hawkeye spend like half the first movie as a bad guy?”

“Have you ever bothered to ask?”

“Dude might go full Heathers on Bishop DuMaine.”

“What is going on at this school?”

Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris
This 2001 book was the 1st ‘Southern Vampire Mystery’ which eventually became ‘True Blood’. Sookie the rural telepathic waitress meets vampire Bill. Cue shagging, a serial killer and dated references to banana clips, faxes, tapes and Kenny G. This was not an effective diversion.

Best Lines:
“It’s not that long a drive from Bon Temps to New Orleans, and everyone who came into the bar said that if you threw a rock on a street corner you’d hit one. Though you better not.”

“How old is he?”

“Ginger’s face lit up like she had a dated with David Duchovny.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Movie Review: How I Live Now (2013)

Tom Holland the new Spider-Man co-stars in this tonally inconsistent UK drama alongside Anna Chancellor of ‘Suburban Shootout’. Loud unhappy American Daisy comes to the rural UK to spend time with her aunt (Chancellor) and cousins Piper, Ed and Isaac (Holland). Daisy is all Beats headphones, eyeliner, noir nail polish, ripped tights and rank hypocrisy. She moons over her ‘Kes’ like cousin Ed who wears an ugly jumper and ignores all talk of a great off-screen war. Daisy is detestable in every way. Her preoccupied aunt leaves for peace talks and Daisy enjoys the countryside idyll until there is a mood shift when London is nuked.

There are no answers or even questions as to what is going on. Daisy makes out with her cousin. Everyone seems fine for being doused in fallout as do their animals. Daisy burns her Emergency Travel Document from the US embassy to stay with Ed. It’s all a lark to them. Then soldiers show up and there is another mood shift as the kids are separated and sent off to different places to work. They need to be given the slap as they’re so inherently selfish.

This film is like ‘Tomorrow, When The War Began’ and ‘Threads’ only crap and completely ineffective. There is talk of contaminated water, secure zones and a mysterious ‘they’. Piper and Daisy are put to work and somehow Daisy’s hair bleach never grows out. She is a walking genital sore. There is death and eating of diarrhoea like substances. Daisy will not tolerate sense. Who is attacking? What is going on? Why is nobody helping? How did Daisy get a gun?

There is more death and Daisy is mental and inept. Perverts show up. Fairytale elements are woven into the story in bizarre fashion. There are improbable coincidences and then things jut get back to normal. This was ridiculous.

Best Lines:
“Which one are you?”

“Would you like to see my unicorn?”
“Um, probably not.”

“How much dead animal do you want?”

“Knob cheese.”

“Bucket’s by the toilet.”

“Water zone D.”

“They’ve taken the checkpoint!”

Odyssey 1x05 + True Blood 7x04 + 12 Monkeys 1x05 - 1x08 Reviewed

Beat Feet
The dismal, vacuous and ridiculous ‘drama’ drags on. The evil Colonel acts suspiciously. Bob the stranger fearing agoraphobe mutters. Harrison the non-discerning cuboid chunk of ham is unaware of Ruby’s murderous ways. The irritating kid plot meanders along. The often maddening Peter acts in undignified ways. Bob does deranged Freudian mutterings. Harrison is disconcertingly dumb and arrogant. I am uninterested in this and its synthesiser tones.

Odelle’s husband moves on, Peter’s boring wife is an idiot, ursine malevolence is everywhere, there is muttering about Black Sands and Peter has no winsome integrity. The sinister pressure and intertangled plot threads are bloated and boring. Odelle sees her funeral and still acts stupidly. Mutual recriminator Peter man-handles someone whilst acting like a paranoid nutter due to unending threats. Ruby shags her boss (Connor Trinneer). This was dire and un-involving.

Best Lines:
“You scared yet?”

“There is a plan.”

“You don’t even miss her.”

“Why would I do that? How would I do that?”

Death Is Not The End
Hoyt learns his momma is dead but not that Jason’s skanky vampire glapal killed her. The hot werewolf’s father finds out his son is dead. Sookie doesn’t care that Tara is dead. Jason doesn’t care his hot galpal killed Hoyt’s mother. Eric makes evil faces and suddenly remembers Willa. Vampires are awful. There are more Eric flashbacks in which a character looms into the shot from the shadows. Fangtasia started out as an XXX video store in 1986.

Sookie bullies Holly manically. Jason is an ass. Jessica and James have issues. Sookie is awful. Flashbacks to 1996 show how college girl Ginger met Eric and Pam. Flashbacks to 2006 show how Ginger has given up college to work in the video store and she came up with the idea for the vampire bar which Pam stole. Vampires are awful. Sad music plays. Eric and Willa reunite. There is a rescue mission, idiots, a fight, Terry visits and Arlene nearly dies. This was detestable and sorely lacking.

Best Lines:
“Good vampire cinema.”

“Close your mouth dear.”

“What are you?”
“I’m his.”

“Your nasty place.”

“You’re the law.”

“This place smells like sperm and piss and bad hair dye.”

“Put those away.”

“Oh good, there’s more.”

“I can make her remember.”

“I trust you.”
“You shouldn’t.”

“We have a Christian to kill.”

“I triggered an avalanche that killed an entire ski village.”

The Night Room
In 2011 Jennifer came to work at the Night Room and the music goes evil. People had tried to steal the virus before. In 2015 Jennifer is interrogated. In 2043 the time machine is busted. In 2015 Cole and Cassandra’s raid on the lab goes badly as the Army of the 12 Monkeys got there before them. Cassandra is profoundly sad. There is scary music and in 2043 Max has stories about Jones, bad stories.

Who is The Witness who leads the Army of the 12 Monkeys? The Army of the 12 Monkeys are like The Dawn in the 90s show ’The Burning Zone’. Both want to end the world. In 2043 Ramse learns something. But where did the photos come from? In 2015 there is a thing in the vault and Jennifer is menaced with a rat. This was excellent with a twist.

Best Lines:
“Brimstone, horsemen, zombies, crazy clowns.”

“The Big Burn is a better out.”

“You can’t save everyone.”
“I thought that was the point.”

“Cole wasn’t the first was he?”
“No. There were others. Others lost in time.”

“Thank you. You can go now.”

“I remember enough.”

“In a 1000 generations we would not rebuild what was lost!”

The Red Forest
Cole has ended up in a 2043 where the West 7 are in control of Project Splinter. Cole can’t cope with this alternate timeline and then he learns that in this time Deacon isn’t the leader of the West 7. Ramse is. Cole’s assurances work. Marcus is angry. There is mention of Spearhead.

Aaron is worried about Wexler, a CIA whistleblower. There are mentions of Operation Troy. Cole menaces Aaron who reiterates his dislike of Cole. There is talk of the Brotherhood. Cassandra is in peril. The Army of the 12 Monkeys act in revolting fashion. Is Aaron trustworthy? Poor choices and decisions are made. Aaron learns the truth. This was very good.

Best Lines:
“This is wrong, you’re wrong.”

“What’s 911?”

“Nice job jackass.”

The Keys
The CIA created the virus from the thing in the vault as a bioweapon to kill Wexler. Where did the thing in the vault come from? Why was the pathogen in it unknown? Pouty thing Cassandra is affected by her encounter with the Army of the 12 Monkeys. Cole’s dying. The Army of the 12 Monkeys have connections to antiquity. Cole is softened. The aggressively nonchalant Aaron tries to have sophistication and panache.

Wexler is scathing and has plaintive insolence. Cole, Aaron and Cassandra refight battles and face hard stares. There are disturbing failures of virus control and imprecision in decision making. Wexler lacks diligence and self control and he knew about the Army of the 12 Monkeys. Cassandra has endless lamentations. This was kind of turgid and guest star Stephen McHattie did little.

Best Lines:
“We need this guy dead.”

“You just look.”

“I’m in the middle of the woods. No bleach.”

“You’ve no idea what you’ve just done.”

“It’s over. For everyone.”

2043: Jones has no sociability and Ramse has no obsequious deference. The time machine is busted again. Jones and co head to Spearhead for help. Spearhead is lead by Colonel Foster (Xander Berkeley of ‘Nikita’). Foster wants to find a cure and years ago staged a coup to make people fight the constantly mutating pestilent virus. The Colonel has unquestioning deferential followers and is opposed to Project Splinter. Ramse is highly obtrusive and meets his lost love Elena (who looks like Helen Hunt) and their son. Jones comes across as a negative influence and a nut. Meanwhile Aaron and Cassandra reunite. No one wonders where Jennifer is and Cole is alive. But there is a twist. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Temporal mishaps.”

“A pointless endeavour.”

“Not even the immune can survive another one.”

“What did she do now?”

“They were all lost in the fires when Atlanta fell.”