April 30th, 2015

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes, an 'Arrow' rewatch and a 2003 Tape Tale

‘The Flash’ 1x21
Why is Cisco such a tool? Why won’t Joe leave? Why don’t they call fake Wells by his real name? Stop calling a murderer by his victim’s name you jerks!

Best Line:
“What is a Grodd?”

‘Lake Mungo’ trailer
A girl dies and strange stuff happens. This Oz horror looks naff.

‘Nashville’ promo
“Can’t stand the sight of you.”

‘Empire’ 1x02 promo
We all know how ‘King Lear’ ended.

‘Intersection’ (1994) promo

‘Scream 3’ trailer
Terrible trailer and movie.

I’m worried about the latest development with my illness.

I kind of want that ‘Sleepy Kittens’ book.

I am reading ‘Flesh and Blood’.

There’s a new Chelsea Quinn Yarbo novel?

I won’t review ‘Empire’.

I can recall once upon a time loving the ‘Due South’ archive Hexwood until TPTB betrayed the subtext and RUINED the show I once loved.

‘Flesh and Blood’ Quotes:
“His idea of a full day is lying on the sofa and staring out of the window.”

“The sort of schools you see in Channel 4 documentaries designed to shock the middle classes.”

‘Empire’ Quotes:
“Your brothers are showing off again.”
“It’s what they do babe.”

“Shut your mouth.”

“You messing with the wrong bitch.”

“I eat there.”

“Cookie coming home.”

“She ain’t nothing.”

“Don’t come back here crying.”

“You different.”

“Stewed chicken?”

“Don’t you baby me you two faced bastard.”

“I never wanted him anyway.”

“I want what’s mine.”

“Prince of America.”

“Most likely less.”

“Cos this got me.”

“Save that pimp talk.”

“Girls walking around with their scalps smelling like goat ass.”

“You really aren’t ashamed of him.”

‘The Good Wife’ Quote:
“Documents don’t go away.”

‘The Goldbergs’ Quotes:
“What kind of a moron gets stuck in a tree?”

“You water the yard in your underpants.”

“Your wife scares her.”

“You’re calling 976 numbers?”

“Erotic boat ride.”

“Your son has been calling smut numbers!”

“I told you not to punch each other in the privates!”

“I see you lurking behind the curtain like a weirdo in your own home.”

‘Inside No 9’ Quotes:
“I’ve seen roadkill with better reaction.”

“Scary dwarf acting.”

“We need you back in your hutch.”

‘Without A Trace’ Quotes:
“Two kids arrested for getting high behind the gym.”

“We only have one phone line so I didn’t sign up for it.”

“No really very social.”

“Doing what?”

“How do we really know?”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“My parents bolted my window shut.”

“What’s your responsibility?”

“Battery and runaway charges.”

‘Arrow’ Quote:
“The next time you decide to think the worst of me, imagine what I now think of you.”

Rewatched two season 1 ‘Arrow’ eps. First up was ‘Sacrifice’ in which Oliver was an ignorant inarticulate person who treated Tommy appallingly and never apologised. He got Tommy killed so he could moon over Laurel. Now in season 3 after moving on from Laurel and Sara, he is sharing his wang with the bimbo Felicity. Thanks TPTB. Felicity and Diggle are jerks. Malcolm looks botoxed. TPTB should never have killed off Tommy; they probably did so because he was a better actor than Oliver. Nobody ever cared about Tommy not his alleged friends, girlfriend, father or half-sister.

What has become of the Merlyn building in season 3? Malcolm left his unconscious son on the floor so he could lurk in his secret room waiting for Oliver. Malcolm threatened to kill Moira and Thea - why would he do that if Thea was his? Thea got the plotline that should have been Tommy’s. Oliver obsessed over Laurel but Tommy loved her and then died because of her. Why did Tommy apologise to the manwhore Oliver before dying? Tommy was ill served by the lying Oliver and TPTB.

Best Lines:
“I wish you would have died on that island.”

“She’s with Oliver again. Always.”

Then I rewatched ‘Dead To Rights’. Whatever became of McKenna? Malcolm lurks. Did he and Tommy dye their hair? Tommy thought Oliver was his friend in this episode. Tommy was neglected, ignored and emotionally abused by his father and now Oliver is hanging out with Malcolm in season 3. Tommy and his father end up bonding when assassins try to kill Malcolm. Why did Malcolm never train Tommy? Moira hired China White and Deadshot to kill Malcolm but was kind of sad that Tommy would see that. Malcolm won a humanitarian of the year award. Tommy’s life is menaced and Malcolm gets violent. Malcolm is shot and he really should have been left to die. Tommy is frantic and pulls a gun on the vigilante. Oliver has to reveal himself to Tommy who is left in shock. Oliver’s lies and secrets ruined his friendship with Tommy and Oliver was oblivious to consequences. Oliver is an awful person.

Best Lines:
“You are a true friend, thank you.”

“I am 100% certain that I’ll be busy.”

“You taught me that multiple times.”

“You killed him.”
“Surely as he would have killed you.”

“How did you know how to do that?”


“Did Lawton kick his dog or something?”

“Were you going to tell me?”

Cleared out a 2003 tape. It began with a ‘Star Trek: Enterprise’ ep ‘Future Tense part 2’ in which the tracking was way off and it was dull. Then came a ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ season 7 ep ‘The Killer In Me’ which was crap.

Then came an ‘Angel’ season 4 ep ‘Calvary’ which was murky and mumbly. Cordelia kills Lilah in a display of bad acting.

Best Lines:
“Luscious thing.”

“He’s going to kill us.”
“I know. Why do you think I let him out you stupid bitch?”

Then came a season 5 ‘Charmed’ ep ‘Sam I Am’ in which Tony Todd has a cameo, Paige pulls faces, Piper moans and Phoebe plots to murder Cole. The Avatars lurk, ugly clothes are worn and Cole hires a Darklighter and the sisters are dumb. No.

Best Lines:
“Blenders have lids!”

“Evil barges in here all hours of the day and night hell-bent on killing us.”
Scary Books

Movie Review: Scream 3

Scream 3 (2000)
This was written by Ehren Kruger, the soundtrack is even worse than the ‘Scream 2’ one and despite being reshot and rewritten there is bad ADR, bad acting and is gore free and populated by morons you could care less about. Cotton (Liev Schreiber) is now a top TV talk show host. His girlfriend is undressed so she (Kelly Rutherford) and he get the big opening deaths. Sidney lives in high security isolation and works for a crisis centre under an assumed name. Detective Mark Kincaid (Patrick Dempsey) investigates. Sidney’s dead mother has her name dragged through the mud some more. Clunky technology is used.

Violence in cinema is debated on the ‘Stab 3’ set where Woodsboro is recreated. Kincaid and his partner (who later on vanishes without explanation) wander around. Gale (Courteney Cox Arquette) looks like a badly dressed sunburnt scarecrow with a bad wig. She runs into Jennifer Jolie (Parker Posey) who plays Gale in the ‘Stab’ movies. Dewey is an advisor on ‘Stab 3’; Gale ditched him again and has turned into a parody of herself. Jay and Silent Bob cameo. There is an orgy of self-congratulation and Neve Campbell showing off her ACTINGS.

Sidney’s dad shows up. Sarah (Jenny McCarthy) is killed and viewers are invited to be glad that stupid bitches get dead. I don’t care about the endless Dewey/Gale toxicity. Jennifer’s bodyguard (Patrick Warburton) exists only to get killed. The set pieces are idiotic and one features a fax machine. There is 90s hair and this was terrible and dull and worth sitting through only for McDreamy. Where was Kincaid in ‘Scream 4’? Randy (Jamie Kennedy) makes a video cameo courtesy of his never before mentioned sister (Heather Matarazzo). Sidney wears dead Derek’s fraternity letters and there is a pointless Carrie Fisher cameo.

Horror producer John Milton (Lance Henriksen) exists only to be a red herring. There is more horrible sexism. Sidney and Kincaid like each other, he is not the killer. Which is a shame as he is one of the very few people in this film bothering to do any actual acting. In the big dumb climax there is bad stunt work, rampant illogic, off screen deaths and the killer can’t act and you can barely recall who he is. This was piffling tripe populated by cretins who as they say suffer the consequences. This was not the end, adversaries would rise again in ‘Scream 4’ but maybe it and this and ‘Scream 2’ should never have come to be.

Best Lines:
“Only recently finished shooting a cameo as himself in the film ‘Stab 3: Return To Woodsboro’, the third and final part of the famous horror series based on the Woodsboro and Windsor College murders.”

“Never had a psycho problem.”

“An ex-con with a trashy talk show.”

“Probably some psycho fan pissed off they killed Randy in ‘Stab 2’.”

“You win that talent search for the new Sidney.”

“Someone dies and Gale comes running.”

“Hey Connie, how’s Maury?”

“Psychos can’t kill what they can’t find.”

“’Stab 3’ - Jesus I gotta get a new agent.”

“I’m not happy that my character is too dumb to have a gun in the house after her boyfriend’s been cut into fish sticks.”

“My boyfriend just died, why am I showering?”

“Very Hannibal Lecter. Very ‘Seven’.”

"That makes me ANGRY!"

"Dealing with an unexpected back-story and a preponderance of exposition."

"Ghosts that don't go away."

"You can't shoot ghosts."

"Gonna jump outta his screening room with a sling blade or something."

"Third act celberation."
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Book Reviews: Balance Of Power + The Lost Years

Star Trek The Next Generation #33: Balance Of Power by Dafydd Ab Hugh
This 1995 novel features an auction and Cadet Wesley Crusher getting ever more dissatisfied with Starfleet Academy. It has an ugly cover and the auction plotline is ridiculous and inconsistent. Wesley runs around embroiled in trouble and is treated like crap and is sick of everything. This was dumb and not as funny as it thinks it is. Ab Hugh hasn’t written a Trek novel in years and maybe that is for the best.

Best Line:
“Replicators to feed the hungry, holodecks to feed the spiritually dead; and an obsessive fascination with the past to feed dreams of yesterday. It is sterile, unsympathetic. The moral compass spins free pointing neither north nor south. Starfleet has lost its way.”

The Lost Years by J.M. Dillard
This good 1990 novel reveals what happened between the end of the Enterprise’s five year mission and the crew’s reunion in ‘Star Trek: The Motion Picture’. This had 3 sequels: ‘A Flag Full Of Stars’, ‘Traitor Winds’ and ‘Recovery’, none of which were anything more than worthless.

This isn’t a pretty picture of the scattering of the crew. Kirk accepts a promotion he really doesn’t want, blame seeks, chases a co-worker and gets involved in a hostage sitch. Spock sulks, is rude to his BFF, gets engaged and sulks more. A hysterical McCoy gets involved with a Mary-Sue Manic Pixie Dream Girl and a long dead Vulcan mind-lord (no, really) rises from the grave to do something. Uhura is wallpaper and Chekov and Sulu don’t exist. No one is actually likeable in this book.

Best Lines:
“I can discuss this no more.”

“Interested not I.”

“Elements take you old man.”
Scary Books

The Flash 1x19 Reviewed

Who Is Harrison Wells?
Joe, Eddie, Barry, Cisco and Snow plot against Wells. Cisco is a moron as he and Joe look into the car crash 15 years ago. I dislike Joe, he thinks Wells killed Tess. Barry fosters victimhood and sees dark forces everywhere with no real evidence. Iris is awful - why does Eddie want to be emotionally intimate with her? For an episode named after him, it isn’t really about Wells.

A metahuman named Hannibal Bates shapeshifts. Lance helps Joe and Cisco. Laurel lurks and seems to be on weed. Cisco lies. Laurel is playful and reveals her secret identity because she wants Sara’s sonic device modified. Wells heads home after a long day of pretending to be paraylsed to drink and stare into the middle distance. Barry whines about his dad. Menacing music plays as Wells rolls around in his wheelchair - it’s unintentionally hilarious.

Eddie is in peril. Barry is a tool. Singh must know something. Iris is a twit. Joe and Lance discuss daughters. Cisco finds time travel particles and a rubber corpse. Eddie is more intelligent than Barry which means he is doomed like Tommy Merlyn on ‘Arrow’. Barry is a moron. Bates aka Everyman kisses Snow. Wells tasers Everyman. Iris is nosy and an idiot. Laurel gets her Canary Cry. Joe, Cisco, Snow and Barry learn the rubber corpse is the real Wells. Fake Wells is creepy. Cisco, Snow and Barry somehow get into Wells’ secret room and see the suit and the newspaper. This was very good.

Best Lines:
“Something’s chasing me.”

“Is that a real question?”

“If, Barry, if.”

“You can’t outrun me.”
“I won’t have to.”

“That would be bad.”

“I love the way that you beat up criminals.”

“Harrison Wells stood by my side.”

“Run like a normal person.”

“What do you want us to do Thawne?”

“Like why anyone in their family thought that naming a kid Hannibal wouldn’t mean he’d grow up to be a criminal?”

“Not one I would accept.”

“Hello, you.”

“If this is who I think it is.”

“Yes. Her.”

“Hands on the metahuman.”

“This body is the real Harrison Wells.”
“If this is Dr Wells, then who have we been working for this whole time?”
“Dr McGee said that after the accident Wells became a completely different person. It’s because he is a different person.”
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