April 16th, 2015

To Light The Way To Bed

Monsters (1988 - 1991) 1x11 + The 100 2x15 + Supernatural 9x15 Reviewed

Rouse Him Not
This is loosely based on the short story of the same name by Manly Wade Wellman. An artist lives with her dog in a remote house. A peeping tom lurks. John Thurston (Alex Cord of ’Airwolf’) shows up claiming to be investigating local superstitions. He tells the artist that a man executed for witchcraft and murder used to live in her house. The artist overacts. A pentacle is found in the basement, a yokel is eaten or something and so Thunston whips out his sword to deal with the thing in the basement. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“I’ll sic my dog on you!”

“People like weird stuff.”

“I know things.”

“Strange words.”

“That’s the time strange things waken.”

“Evil hates silver.”

“A silversmith before he was a saint.”

Blood Must Have Blood, Part One
Raven’s bullet wound healed fast. There is death and Clarke won’t shut up. Where did Clarke get her fingerless gloves? Who built the Mount Weather novel and who carries it around? Where is Kane? Where are Jaha and his merry bunch of morons? Isn’t this show a bit similar to that old show ‘Jeremiah’?

There are no interesting linguistic avenues. The ousted President sulks and Cage has only been in charge for a week?! Concern troll Cage is called on his crap. Daddy has to come up with a bright idea. Wick mumbles. Mount Weather plans for species continuity, Monty is an idiot and Cage does what he wants with no apology. Octavia is accepted as a Grounder and minutes later is out on her ass. Mount Weather is breached and then there is a cruel twist. An alliance shatters, Clarke mumbles, Indra pulls a knife and there is death and an empty chamber. This was mediocre.

Best Lines:
“As long as we’re behind the doors, they can’t touch us.”

“Step aside please.”

“It will fight back. Hard.”

“What if we’re too late?”
“What if we’re not?”

“The Reaper tunnels.”

“Safe in the harvest chamber?”

“Dam joke.”

“You’ve killed us.”

“A door that hasn’t been breached in 97 years is going to fall and an army of savages is going to flood these halls, killing every last one of us.”

“Actually I can go faster.”

“Just keep backing up.”

“We’re still too close.”
“Not as close as they are.”

“You’re one of us now.”

“What did you do?”

“I have no home.”

This episode reminded me of why I gave up on this show. An idiot takes duckface selfies and sees slenderman. Then she dies. Sam still can’t act. Dean won’t tell Sam to get lost. What happened to the monochrome look and classic rock? The Ghostfacers show up and there are only two of them now. The man trolls act like children. Sam and his ridiculous hair pulls faces. Castiel isn’t in this ep thank god; I can’t stand Misha Collins and his constipated face. There is death, Sam whines and TPTB Sam-worship goes on. This had promise but became crap. One Ghostfacer is left by the side of the road in an invisible shame closet, there are unsubtle metaphors, indignation, Sam playing the martyr and a stupid reveal.

Best Lines:
“The Winchesters. Yay.”
“Says nobody.”

“Amazon me bitches.”

“Part man, part tree.”

“Thinman hangs out by trees and the woods are where trees hang out.”

“Quit raining on my rainbow.”

“Doing a ‘Scream’ thing.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes, a Flash rewatch and a 2006 Tape Tale

‘The Flash’ 1x19 promo
Barry gets it and will the truth come out? This looks good. Has real Wells’ body been found? What is going to happen?

Best Line:
“After the accident Wells became a completely different person. Because he is a different person.”

Unfriended’ TV spot
A Skype horror movie? This looks annoying.

‘Battlestar Galactica’ promo

‘Torchwood’ series 1 finale promo
Bad bad acting and dialogue and just no.

I want to find lemon & mint Pellegrino.

Health issues are at me.

White chocolate Easter Egg - okay.

Anyone else recall Findus Chilli Beef French Bread Pizza?

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“She’ll probably end up with a pimp.”

“She’s smoking black tar heroin.”

“Here go screw up your life.”

“That would be on the list of don’t say.”

“She is a bitch.”

“Nailing jello to the wall.”

“Contributing to her toxic behaviour.”

“Woke up in the middle of the street.”

“I don’t care what you say or don’t say.”

“Manage his toxicity.”

“The constant criticism.”

‘The Flash’ 1x01 Rewatch:
The kind and thoughtful Dr Wells is actually long dead. The man the gang have known and trusted is an impostor who murdered the real Wells and who is filled with hate and violence. Did Wells make a Flash joke in this speech before the particle accelerator was turned on? Why did Wells put on sunglasses when Barry started running and then take them off again? Were Wells injuries part of the plan to appear to be a mild mannered mentor? Why is Wells seemingly allergic to wearing primary colours? Barry says “He killed my mom” and the next shot is of Wells with glasses off. Joe is an ass who put an innocent man in jail and suffocates Iris.

Did Wells deliberately make Grodd into a metagorilla? Why is Barry not a CSI anymore? Wells lets slip his frustrations when yelling at Barry. Poor real Wells had a dream for STAR labs and had his life stolen and his dream and reputation ruined by a time travelling crazy man. Wells lets the real him show briefly. If FEMA classified STAR labs a Class 4 hazard how are the gang able to wander around it? If Wells is from centuries in the future, why is he obsessing over a paper from 2024? When did Wells build the secret room? What are the round things on the walls? Soundproofing? The final scene is creepy and Wells doesn’t say a word. The STAR labs logo on the wheelchair is cute. Wells is sick and destructive.

Best Lines:
“What’s important is you. Not me. I lost everything. I lost my company, I lost my reputation, I lost my freedom”

“You’re not a hero.”

“Run Barry. Run.”

“The ring under us popped.”

“We have no way of knowing exactly what or who was exposed.”

Cleared out a 2006 tape. It began with a ‘Supernatural’ ep ‘No Exit’ in which Joe and Ellen are Godardian provocateurs. Sam has bad hair. A serial killing ghost looms and this left me bored and weary.

Best Lines:
“Girl’s been kidnapped by an evil cult.”
“Girl got a name?”
“Katie Holmes.”

Then came a ‘Stargate: Atlantis’ ep ‘The Return part 1’ in which Richard Dean Anderson, Robert Picardo and Mitch Pileggi stole the spotlight. Contact is made with a ship full of Ancients. The show continued its reputation suicide with this totally incompetent ep. The Ancients wander around with bubble perms and rubber suits, they want their city back. Then came a ‘Torchwood’ series 1 ep ‘Combat’ in which the picture is murky and Owen is angry and Weevils wander. What became of the Weevils later on? Gwen is awful and there is a Weevil fight club. This was the nadir.

Then came another ‘Torchwood’ ep ‘Out Of Time’ in which a plane from 1953 lands. Rhys is awful. The cast make weirdly diffident acting choices. Jack is complacent and complicit. No.

Best Lines:
“Welcome to the wonderful world of scantily dressed celebrities.”

“They sell films in boxes?”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Stranger Than Fiction + Wild Things + League Of Their Own + Return To The Batcave

Stranger Than Fiction (2000)
This stars Natasha Gregson Wagner and Dina Meyer. A group of ‘friends’ engage in murder, a cover up and bad driving which leads to more cover ups, blackmail, bribery and more murder. The friends keep on killing people to cover up earlier murders and misdeeds. This is similar to ‘Very Bad Things’ but better. The ending leaves intriguing questions raised but unanswered. This was weird but good.

Best Lines:
“Why is there a naked dead guy on your living room floor?”

“Dear God this man had a hard life being a bum and all. Please watch out for him since Emma didn’t. Amen.”

“Everything in the trunk is supposed to be dead!”

“We’ll kill her. She’s really really old! I mean, how hard could it be?”

Wild Things (1998)
They’re dying to play with you.
Was this a thriller or a stealth parody of the erotic thriller genre of the 90s? The evidence goes both ways. In steamy, swampy Florida - plotting is afoot in Blue Bay. By the end credits (which are full of didactic footnotes) several characters have activity limitations by way of being dead.

Blue blood Kelly Van Ryan (Denise Richards of ‘Starship Troopers’ and ‘The World Is Not Enough’) is the hot mean girl cheerleader at her school. The guidance counsellor Sam Lombardo (Matt Dillon) is an orange sleaze whom Kelly and others inexplicably lust over. The school is so posh it has a sailing class. Suzie (Neve Campebell of ‘Scream’) is trailer trash - you can tell by the henna tattoos, cheap jewellery, dark makeup, two tone hair and dark nail polish. She and Kelly do not get on.

Kelly’s mother Sandra (Theresa Russell) is never fully dressed. There is inappropriate behaviour, everything is sexualised, people shout down huge mobile phones and the DA (Jeff Perry of ‘Nash Bridges) is wise while two dogged cops (one of whom is Kevin Bacon) investigate the goings on. Lombardo hires low rent strip mall lawyer Bowden (Bill Murray). Lies are told, the Van Ryan lawyer (Robert Wagner) rolls his eyes, a spear gun is waved and who is exploiting who?

How is Sam so desirable? How does he entice and confound so many women? There are twists, a threesome and a twisted and kinky plot. There is death, a lot of people look orange and a cop is rabid. A stone cold manipulative psychopath is behind events - but it is not who you think. Kelly wanted to be loved and choose badly, people are shirt phobic, there are lots of death, ludicrous twists, nudity, more twists and a bad polyester wig. This was excellent.

Best Lines:
“You’re finished here.”

“Swamp trash.”

“I know exactly what’s going on.”

“Keep a real close eye on my new friends.”

“What is a sex crime?”
“Not getting any!”

“Where’d she get those shoes? Whores For Less?”

“Where’s your hose Mr Lombardo?”

“Kelly Van Ryan’s gonna wash your jeep?”

“They’re not going to find it. Right?”

“Jet set real estate heiress and part of the powerful Blue Bay elite. And the girl from the wrong side of the tracks.”


“You’re dead!”
“No I’m not.”

“Here’s to large bank accounts.”

“Nice girlfriend you got there.”

“The area known as stoner beach.”

“A student is accusing me of rape.”
“Male or female?”

“Three times is enemy action.”

“Hope I never make you mad.”

“One little white trash bitch.”

“Pricy piece of trim.”

“What we have here is you on the Van Ryan property without a proper warrant shooting a porn flick.”

“Get out of these people’s lives.”

“People aren’t always what they appear to be.”

“Take one of your mom’s valiums or something.”

“Angry sexually confused girl.”

“That little straw up Kelly’s nose or that dog collar you got wrapped around your neck.”


A League Of Their Own (1992)
Tom Hanks speaks over the women and there is tiresome sibling rivalry in this account of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League during World War II. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Well then, this would be more, wouldn’t it?”

“This is our daughter Dottie and this is our other daughter, Dottie’s sister.”

“You think there are men in this country who ain’t seen your bosoms?”

Return To The Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt (2003)
The Batmobile is stolen and Adam West and Burt Ward must find it whilst having flashbacks of the making of the classic 60s TV show. This was hilarious.

9 Book Reviews

The Kronos Condition by Emily Devenport
Sally and her friends are gifted with powers in this 1997 novel. But their mentors are evil. This was densely plotted and fairly enjoyable.

Eggheads by Emily Devenport
An searches for the long vanished race known as the Earlies. To decipher the glyphs they left behind is the ultimate prize. There are setbacks, betrayals, body horror, aliens, oppression and destiny in this excellent 1996 novel.

Larissa by Emily Devenport
The sequel to ‘Shade’ reveals more about the Q’rin, Lyrri and the enigmatic Aesopians. This 1993 novel is excellent.

Godheads by Emily Devenport
This 1998 novel is the sequel to ‘Eggheads’. An has become a legend and transformed the galaxy. Edna must find herself and her place in it. Excellent.

Belarus by Lee Hogan
A rich man recreates Imperial Russia on the colony world Belarus with himself as Tsar. He overlooks the microwars in the Republic and the orbiting derelicts from an ancient civilization. Enemies lurk deep beneath the surface of the planet and darkness is coming. This 2002 novel from Emily Devenport using a pen-name is wonderful.

Best Line:
“Something is in there. Something hiding. Something dreadful.”

Enemies by Lee Hogan
This 2003 novel is the sequel to ‘Belarus’. It is set 1000 years later and the planet has regressed to a pre-technological age due to the war. The Republic has fallen but the Union has arisen in its place and it is seeking out lost colonies. Belarus has been ‘rediscovered’ but what does that mean for a woman named Serina? Gripping.

The Secret History by Donna Tartt
This is a disturbing tale about cruel amoral college kids who are into snobby elitism, pompous intellectualism and murder. Their ’inspirational’ teacher is nothing of the sort and this was complex, dark and good.

To The High Redoubt by Chelsea Quinn Yarbro
From the author of the Saint-Germain series and ‘A Mortal Glamour’ comes this clichéd fantasy mush. A shamed Knight and a magic woman tramp around the ‘east’ talking and talking and talking. This was dumb, boring and had an excessive amount of italics.

Best Lines:
Grain food.”

“Fruit food.”

Night School: Resistance by C.J Daugherty
The 4th in the series is dull, boring and plodding. Allie is torn between two equally boring boys in a triangle of doom. Nathaniel and his mysterious end game does vague stuff. More secrets and lies are uncovered and this book ends on a cliffhanger. This was daft, irritating, unconvincing, ropey and spirit sappingly derivative.

Best Line:
“I’m not setting anything on fire.”