April 14th, 2015

Scary Books

Book Review: Dark Detectives

Dark Detectives: An Anthology Of Supernatural Mysteries edited by Stephen Jones
This was originally published in 1999 and has now been reprinted.

Jones overlooks all female occult detectives.

In Egypt’s Land
By Kim Newman, this is the prologue to ‘Seven Stars’. It is short and has no solemnity.

Our Lady Of Death
The snotty biddy Sister Fidelma stomps around Ireland whilst exposition flies and a ‘ghost’ wanders. The author recycled this dull plot as a Sherlock Holmes story for ‘Villains Victorious’.

The Mummy’s Heart
By Kim Newman, this is part 1 of ‘Seven Stars’ and it has a mummy, a curse and a jewel in Victorian London. Good.

Best Lines:
“There’s a curse you see.”
“Of course there is.”

“The Seven Stars fell to Earth as a meteor. Maybe it is a message from those stars.”

“Come out from that desk and be thrashed.”

The Horse Of The Invisible
A Carnacki story, which the ‘hero’ relates to some ‘friends’. This is a boring, badly written tale of a fake haunting.

The Magician and the Matinee Idol
By Kim Newman, the 2nd part of ‘Seven Stars’ involves an actor. This was dull and full of quiet indignation.

Best Line:
“Occupied himself by skulking villainously.”

The Adventure Of The Crawling Horror
A blatant Sherlock Holmes rip-off. A villain fumes with resentment and this was boring of clichés that reek of neurosis.

The Trouble With Barrymore
By Kim Newman. This is part 3 of ‘Seven Stars’ which was mediocre as more severe difficulties are encountered.

Best Line:
“A bar catering to the more theatrical type of alcoholic.”

Rouse Him Not
A psychic detective looks into a mysterious circle on a couple’s land. It is connected to a long ago executed sorcerer. This was excellent.

Best Line:
“They drove an ashen stake through him to keep him in his grave.”

De Marigny’s Clock
Thieves try to rob a psychic detective and fall into a Tardis like ‘clock’. Good.

Best Line:
“That’s no clock and I’m not touching it.”

The Biafran Bank Manager
By Kim Newman. The 4th part of ‘Seven Stars’ is terrible and full of unsupportive prats.

Someone Is Dead
Two psychic detectives romp around in this dated, unfunny and sexist bunk.

Best Line:
“Break contact, you silly cow.”

Vulture’s Gather
A will and a way leaves people unheard, unappreciated and misread. This was executed terribly and things break irreconcilably.

Lost Souls
By Clive Barker, hack by day and hack by night.

By Kim Newman. ‘Seven Stars’ part 5 is a yawn.

The Man Who Shot The Man Who Shot The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance
Makes no sense.

Best Line:
“It started with a friendly game of strip Ouija.”

The Dog Story
By Kim Newman. ‘Seven Stars’ part 6 is dated cyberpunk.

Bay Wold
A poem by Neil Gaiman. I didn’t care.

The Duel Of Seven Stars
By Kim Newman. The tiresome 7th and final part of ‘Seven Stars’.
Pretty Smart

Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D 2x16 + Person Of Interest 3x16 + Gotham 1x11 Reviewed

The boil eyed Hunter steals and Coulson finds this acceptable. They sit around having whinny male angst. Skye is naked and doesn’t notice her status with the Inhumans is an inherently unstable situation. Skye is increasingly and weirdly infantilised. Fury’s toolbox is the mcguffin du jour. Fitz is screamingly pompous. Simmons fakes being part of the insular cabal as she has an utter inability to be sensible. Coulson is self regarding and in a moral and intellectual torpor.

Coulson picks quarrels and provokes trouble. Swivel eyed Skye is an unemployable dimwit. This ep was utterly naff and not emotionally rewarding. I don’t care about Skye, Coulson or May. Gonzalez makes sense. May has contempt and fear and is all repugnant inappropriateness. What is Hydra doing? Nobody seems to care. There is no Ward. Coulson acts like he owns SHIELD. Nothing genuine, real or believable happens. People have improbable haircuts. I’m sick of Fitz and his implicit belittling of everything. Gordon lisps. Cal is naturally resentful and his oppressive omnipresence bore. Monetised manmeat yell. What does Gordon plan for Skye? There are obvious plot ‘twists’.

Peterson and his leather bondage gear shows up. Skye’s mother isn’t dead but doesn’t tell Skye who she is. Wasn’t she supposed to be dead? Skye and Raina are monstrously terrible. Cal knew his wife was alive? So why did he want revenge on Whitehall? May, Coulson, Skye and Fitz are increasingly tedious. Fitz is a thief and Coulson realises he needs Ward. This was a morass of bustdown behaviour.

Best Lines:
“The wife has taken to muumuus.”

“She’s a SHIELD agent not a thing.”

“This isn’t good.”

“I was dead after all.”

“There are no good options.”

“SHIELD’s here.”
“Ours or theirs?”

“Big boy guns.”

“Glad I amuse you.”

“What happened to you?”
“Destiny. Apparently.”

“SHIELD will fall again.”

“Our bad option: Grant Ward.”

99% of this ep is a flashback to 2010 and we meet Reese’s predecessor. There is muttering. Reese and his partner Kara lurk ominously. There was no easefulness to be had due to the screaming implications of this ep. The beached whale woman had Nathan killed and she tried to have the POI of the week Casey killed. Kara menaces a man with wasabi. Greer stands in shadows. English cads run around. Reese’s predecessor was self important, thoughtless, callous, vain, foolish, unjust and hypocritical and it got him killed. There is madness and violence. Casey is lectured, patronised, instructed and spared by Reese. A plot arc from season 1 must be looked at in an all new light. Shaw makes a cameo. This was dull.

Best Lines:
“You are the rotation.”

“Must you do that?”

“Is it necessary to be so intimidating?”

“That man is CIA.”

“He’s highly efficient.”

“A bag full of teeth.”

“He still sucking air or what?!

Rogue’s Gallery
Gordon is a security guard at Arkham. Cat-teen and Ivy causes problems. Barbara pill pops and is dumped by Renee. There is violence and Gordon is treated disgracefully. Dr Leslie Thompkins shows up. Penguin is punched and proud oddness is displayed. Nothing too revelatory happens. The junkie slut Barbara screams and stomps. Gordon’s boss Lang bores. I didn’t think anything could be worse than ‘Man On A Ledge’ but this was. Maroni plots, Barbara needs mouth glue and there are deaths and cliff-hangers. This was incoherent and obvious.

Best Lines:
“Think you can’t fall any further? Think again.”


“I’m guarding lunatics.”

“You’re beginning to irk me.”

“Open the cage mook!”

“I don’t waste psychic energy.”

“He killed his family with an axe.”

“We are toxic together.”

“Fish is doomed.”

“She’s over-reaching.”

Movie Reviews: Fab Five + 14 others

Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleader Scandal (2008)
Jenna Dewan and Tatum O’ Neal star in this true story based on the scandalous disrespectful behaviour of some Texas cheerleaders in 2006. A new cheerleading coach (Dewan) takes on a squad of bratty liars with whiny timbres. The principle (O’Neal) who is the mother of one of the gang is dishonest and inconsistent. The gang post suggestive photos and videos, drink and are an out of control social elite. Cheerleading rules are fragrantly flouted by the recalcitrant brats as they send fake dirty texts, brawl and rampage in a sex shop.

The coach can’t cope and no-one will give the brats a bitter dose of reality. She is left emotionally devastated as the brats do exactly as they please. This had bad acting and was just bad. Consequences arrive sort of. The brats regarded rules as structures of oppression. People who tried to impose discipline were offered up for tacit condemnation. What has changed?

Best Lines:
“They can fling themselves around all right.”

“Satan’s cheerleaders.”

“Tabitha kiss her.”

“Going to camp in a limo.”

“Couldn’t do a back hand swing.”

“Chill bitch!”

“I don’t know what a hotbox means.”
“Either do I!”

“You bubbly slut!”

“The repercussions will be expulsion!”

“The Fab Five run this school.”

“Disciplinary action referral.”

“A bunch of trashy sluts.”

“Run slut! Run!”

“Wait for those little monsters to graduate.”

The Pretender 2001 (2001)
A follow up after the show’s cancellation after 4 seasons. Miss Parker has inner sense, Jarod battles yet another evil pretender while showing off his new hair cut and Mr Lyle hangs out with Mr Raines. This was good.

The Pretender: The Island Of The Haunted (2002)
The end, no questions answered but more are raised. Thanks TPTB! Jarod finds his useless mother again. She runs off, again. Miss Parker and Jarod bond. Sidney and Boots break into the Bodily Fluids Storage Facility. Mr Lyle and Raines plot. Paternity is revealed, Mr Parker gets his and Raines is revealed. Where is Mr Parker and Brigitte’s baby? Who is the real father of Lyle, Miss Parker and Brigitte’s baby? WTF is the chosen one? Excellent.

Lexx 1x01: I Worship His Shadow
Bizarre German/American cult TV show pilot.

From Hell (2002)

Dark City (1998)
Very strange.

Best Lines:
“He can tune!”

“We use your dead as vessels.”

My Little Eye (2002)
Contestants on a webcast reality show hang out in an isolated house. Okay.

The One (2001)

Past Tense (1994)
Okay, with a good twist ending.

Joyride (2001)

She’s All That (1998)
Sweet and cute.

Wishcraft (2001)
A low budget horror about a guy who gets three wishes. Meatloaf co-stars.

Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997)
The Jason/Kimberly/Tommy triangle goes on. Kat falls in water and forgets she is an Olympic calibre diver. Ugly zords are driven around. A 12 year old becomes a Ranger. Incredibly complex arm movements and posing are performed. Silly.

Best Lines:
Pink is out!”

“Into the fire! Into the fire!”

Mars Attacks (1996)

Carry On Behind (1975)

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Arrow/Flash’ superhero fight club trailer

Best Line:
“And I thought you had anger management issues.”

‘Scream: The TV series’ promo

Chinotto drink - utterly horrible.
Gluten free and wheat free bread - okay.
Spicy chilli tortilla chips Pringles - good.

I will review ‘The Game’ and ‘In Fear’.

‘Law & Order: SVU’ Quotes:
“You hoped it would remain private? On the internet?”

“A publicity stunt to jump start your porn career.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Worse than murdering someone.”

“She was disowned. Her family removed her from the family tree.”

“Dim-witted vulgarians.”


“Hashtag diversity.”

“Somewhat unfair reputation.”

“It smells of farmyard.”

“A faint wisp of despair.”

“A lot of people think I’m the murderer from Broadchurch.”

“Poor choice of husband.”

“Pertinence and modernity.”

“Instinctively recoils.”

“Lewdest moment in 19th century fiction.”

“Angry words were being muttered about the lack of booze and limos.”

“Hadn’t had a heart attack: he’d smoked some extra-strong grass which had caused a panic attack.”

“A strange-looking phone with no pull-out aerial.”

“That crap Daniella Westbrook from Eastenders shoved up her nose until it caved in?!”

“This is Breaking Bad country.”

“Unironic enjoyment of video games.”

“It’s tomorrow’s bespoke wallpaper.”

“The credibility of the claim evaporated.”

“Why aren’t people more outraged at that?”

“I hate cake.”

“His speciality was being empty.”

“He could never be fully forgiven.”

“Endless supply of mafia idiots.”

“Toxic atmosphere.”

“A strangely empty place.”

“Outstanding moral debt.”

“Anchoring bias.”

“There’s desperation hiding in those budgie smugglers.”

“Their sole purpose being to have sex and die.”

“Lothario tendencies and a limited intellect.”

‘Countryfile’ Quotes:
“Green-laneing should be banned.”

“Walkers cause erosion.”

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“Think of her as scheming.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“My wife ordered a dust ruffle.”

“Justice has a new name: up.”

“I’ve been addicted to oxy for awhile now.”

“Monkey headed lord of winds.”

“Gave himself a shotgun tonsillectomy.”

“Beware cocktail waitresses with free drinks and eyeball height cleavage.”

“Atheist strip club.”

“I’m supposed to care about things.”

“Morally acceptable screw job.”

“1am loving.”

“Confrontational energy.”

“Ask you some questions in our beating room.”

“Your corpse bride is getting cold.”

“God isn’t sky police.”

“We were scathed.”

‘American Crime’ Quotes:
“Beat his ass.”

“Juvie bitch.”

“Cuts a dude. ODs his girl.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“He told me to go kill myself.”

“How thoughtful.”

“Give your feelings a voice.”

“Significant mood insatiability.”

“Did you call anyone?”

“She’s been in distress for 24 years.”

“Take her out of the situation.”

“She’s just mental.”

“Made bad choices.”

“Everything is a fight.”

“We could have had better parenting.”

“There is no our anymore.”

“Let me talk, for once.”

‘Raffles’ Quote:
“The milk had beaten me by a short can but I was ahead of the Daily Mail.”

‘Raised By Wolves’ Quotes:
“R2D2 is Churchill.”

“Like a bollixed mattress.”

“Stop that maudlin bollocks.”

“That heartless gorgon.”

“The atmosphere in here must be 90% Glade.”

“She hates light and air.”

“This chintzy snake pit.”

“She’ll mace us and claim she thought we were burglars.”

“She still carps on about how she missed the last episode of ‘Tenko’ because I was hit by that bus.”

“Go get your mummy a cider.”