April 12th, 2015

Scary Books

Arrow 3x18 +How To Get Away With Murder 1x11 +The Blacklist 2x15 +Stalker 1x13 Reviewed

Public Enemy
Ray is shot with an arrow, Lance is full on rabid cop, Felicity is a tool and Laurel does not wear a blouse. Oliver is emotionally locked down. The useless Hong Kong flashbacks drag on and reveal Shado had an identical twin who was never mentioned before now.

Lance didn’t know who the Arrow is but Ra’s tells him. Roy and Thea bore. Why doesn’t Lance arrest Felicity? Ray has a blood clot and babbles about his nanotech. Felicity is as bitchy and ungrateful as ever. Nyssa strides, Oliver is dislikeable and there is fighting. Oliver deserves every thing that is happening as he is a jerk punk playing dress up. Lance knows Roy is Arsenal - why doesn’t he arrest him? Lance sees Laurel in action. Oliver makes things worse.

What about Lance’s heart problems? Oliver lies. Lance is tired of lies. I want Ray off my tv! This was offensively bad. Apparently Thea has assets to freeze. Felicity wants no more genital configuration with Ray. Oliver gives himself up and gets a reason you suck speech. But Roy just has to be dumb

Best Lines:
“The man’s a stranger to me now.”

“Also a long story.”

“No warning shots.”

“I need you to trust me.”
“I used to.”

“It’ll stop you.”

“You suffer false perception.”

“Oliver Queen is the Arrow.”

“The freak in Central City.”

“Another lie!”

“Lance knows.”
“The whole city knows Oliver.”

“He looks like a Disney Prince.”

“You got the right to remain silent, take it.”

“Now you’re set on killing Laurel too.”

“Saving people isn’t your speciality: Tommy, Hilton, your mother.”

~
Best Christmas Ever
Where is Michaela’s ring? Sam’s sister wonders why no-one cares about him. Wes whines. Keating is horrible. Wes wonders about his predecessor in his apartment. Rebecca is obviously psycho. A client walks in claiming abuse. Frank is horrible. Asher is bitter. All these people are awful. There are flashbacks to various Christmas funtimes - Michaela got drunk and mortified Aidan who ditched her. Nate’s wife is dying. Keating is awful to Sam’s sister and is so judgmental. Connor is awful. Keating’s client is a liar and a nut. Asher is tired of being bullied. Keating ditches a client. Sam’s remains are found. This was bad.

Best Lines:
“It’s a fake. I bought it with cash at a jewellery mart in Chinatown.”

“My husband’s holding two girls captive in our basement.”

“Or pretend that Uncle Ray isn’t ripped on scotch and looking at us inappropriately.”

“Stop judging.”

“Connor with a chainsaw?”

“You? Good?”

“Stay on your end of the couch.”

“But I’m not going to jail.”

“You don’t get to do that.”

“If you don’t like it, I don’t care.”

“You don’t have nightmares where dead people chase you through the woods.”

~
The Major (no. 75)
This opens with a flashback to Jacob aka Tom being recruited as a troubled teenager by The Major. In the present the harbourmaster case leads to Keen being in court. Keen’s fecklessness and moral poison bores. Keen and co try to intimidate the Judge - no go. Keen acts like she is the star of an oblique sanitary pad commercial. Red rants about how the Major recruits wayward sociopathic children and trains them to be deep cover operatives.

Red has vacant charisma and seems to have learned his life theory from ‘Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome’. Keen is 30. What became of her dog? Keen tells the Judge via clips about the deal with Red. The Judge doesn’t accept this harsh neo-realist drama. I’m bored of Red and Keen’s bitter disputes, endless recriminations, icy looks and conversations that go around and around to no end. What about Ressler’s debasing drug addiction?

Tom sits in a neo-Nazi bar that plays music that seems to consist of the word heil shouted a lot. Keen justified her callous actions. There is a musical montage. Red wants to F someone up. Keen’s charm offensive fails. She is little appreciated. People speak in despairing tones. Who hired Tom is revealed. It was Red and he blames Tom for stuff. Red is disconcertingly crazy. This was good. But what was the point of the whole Berlin plot?

Best Lines:
“That’s not what social services says.”

“Bureaucrats trained in missing the obvious.”

“I can help you become anything.”

“That’s all I’m willing to say.”

“Not by this.”

“Dangerous and horrible things.”

“You’ll need to abduct him.”

“You need to leave Donald.”

“The very concept is comically dichotomous.”

“I did love rug time.”

“How did that conversation go?”

“None of this is possible.”

“What a horrible profiler I must be.”

“Wow, I suck.”

~
The News
A news anchor (Kerr Smith) is stalked. The cultural messaging of this show is weird. The news anchor is all social isolation. His former stalker (the weirdo Frank from ‘Raising Hope’) pops up again and is a faux-prole. Characters mumble. The news anchor has great aggression and is psychologically annihilated. The new stalker is acrimonious. Perry and Beth’s original Krankie look-alike stalker ooze sleaze and run off together. This ep was all grotty Menshevik joylessness. A resentful colleague is a red herring. Characters act with brash idiocy. Nothing is factually persuasive. The resentful co-worker has a stalker of his own and there is a ridic ‘twist’. Another joyless cover version plays.

Best Lines:
“Don’t call me crazy.”

“I don’t understand why this is happening again.”

“Even described their basement.”

“This kid has no idea what he’s just done.”

“It’s time for you to go away.”

“This is help.”
Cat

Movie Reviews: The Facts In The Case Of Mister Hollow + Wild Things 3 + 15 Others

The Facts In The Case Of Mister Hollow (2008)
A short film about a photo. There are files, books, letters and clippings about paganism, child disappearances, ancient Greek and Roman gods and the word Keres. The photo changes and what initially looks innocuous isn’t. There are weird tattoos, a body, something in the fire, a gun, nails, rope and a cloak. This was good and creepy. What happened to these people after the paranormal manifestation?

~
Wild Things 3: Diamonds In The Rough (2005)
The 1st one was luridly good, the 2nd was dire and I’ve never seen the 4th. But based on this, I think I’ll skip the 4th. This is down there with cheese like ‘Identity’, ‘Darkness Falls’ and ‘Thir13en Ghosts’. A blonde rich idiot who never wears a bra fights a poor brunette (Sandra McCoy of ‘Supernatural’). Blondie plots against her evil stepfather and wants diamonds. The stepfather is arrested and cops (Linden Ashby and Dina Meyer) investigate. Hooker wear is worn. People obsess over the diamonds. This has gratuitous sex, body doubles and is vile.

The school in this is the original Sunnydale High from ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’. This is not a shameless sleazefest nor is it a ridiculously convoluted OTT thriller. Nor is it hysterically campy entertaining trash. It is just wooden and dreary. There is double crossing, violence, no sense of place and a dumb ‘twist ending’.

Best Lines:
“Hey watch the hair!”

“Mind if Chad joins in?”

“Chad likes the sound of that.”

~
The Forsaken (2001)
A rip off of ‘Near Dark’, ‘The Lost Boys’ and ‘John Carpenter’s Vampires’. This stars Kerr Smith and Brendan Fehr and vampires menace them. Okay.

The Sweetest Thing (2002)
Moronic smut fest.

Suicide Kings (1997)
Christopher Walken and Jay Mohr star in this kidnapping film that has gun waving, screaming and psychological warfare. This was enjoyable but the acting is bad.

Best Line:
“Your plan. I’m gonna remember that.”

Susan’s Plan (1998)
This was unfunny crap about greedy yelling morons that was boring and unfunny.

Strike (1998)
A boarding school comedy set in 1963. Funny and good.

The Skulls (2000)
Lame, dated and stars Joshua Jackson and Paul Walker.

Sgt Kabukiman, NYPD (1996)
From Troma, this is a tale of a cop with Kabuki powers. Funny and entertaining.

The Brutal Truth (1999)
A high school reunion at a house goes awry. Okay.

The Bulldance (1989)
This is a bizarre tale set in Crete that stars Robert Beltran and Samantha Mathis. This was strange, turgid and makes no sense.

Blair Witch 2: Book Of Shadows (2000)
Terrible.

Chain Reaction (1996)
Stupid.

Speed (1994)
Over-hyped.

Crooks In Cloisters (1963)
Amusing.

Copycat (1995)
Okay.

Little Shop Of Horrors (1986)
The dentist song is the standout.
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Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘True Detective’ season 2 teaser
Interesting.

‘Judas Ghost’ (2013) trailer
Based on the ‘Ghost Finder’ novels. I’m in.

Best Line:
“Where the hell’s the door gone?”

‘A Little Chaos’ TV spot
Huh?

‘Olympus’ promo
WTF?

Best Lines:
“What am I?”
“Cursed.”

‘Wild Things’ trailer
Everyone is plotting. Is this a thriller or a stealth parody?

Best Line:
“Can I play too?”

‘The Jinx’ promo
What?

‘Arrow’ promo
Oliver needs to go down.

Fast & Furious 7’ promo
Guns! Fights! Cars! People going through glass tables!

I am reading ‘The Ocean Of Time’.

I won’t read ‘Disclaimer’ or ‘The Cutting Room’.

I will review ‘Wake’ and ‘Dark Detectives’.

Snow on ‘The Flash’ was in ‘Sky High’.

LJ has been declared a ghost town apparently by BNFs. So? I’m not doing Tumblr.

A 13 part series called ‘Shadowhunters’ based on ‘The Mortal Instruments’ has been ordered! I’m there!

There’s apparently a ‘Wild Things’ deleted scene between Kevin Bacon and Matt Dillon.

Strawberry aloe vera drink - okay.
All organic gluten-free non GMO Vegan Golden Cashew organic Live Food Bar - okay.
Bacio Perugina - excellent.
Gluten free spaghetti - very good.

‘Ros Na Run’ Quote:
“It’s hard with all this screaming.”

‘16 & Pregnant’ Quote:
Your irritation is sitting in my house.”

‘CSI’ Quote:
“Watching her work a corner.”

‘Forever’ Quote:
“Great article on Jimmy Caan’s walk-in-humidor.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Trivialise your involvement.”

“So morally corrupt.”

“It would have been abnormal.”

“Bullies are pack animals.”

“I didn’t care.”

“I didn’t want to think about it.”

“The experience she had to me was false.”

“Sleeping, sick and complaining.”

“Stop yelling at me.”

“My pillbox was my friend.”

“Who’s setting the moral compass for these people?”

“I was just so done.”

“Then it really gets bad.”

“The forward thinking that she was doing.”

‘Wild Things’ Quotes:
“I miss dad.”
“I miss him too. Sometimes.”
“No you don’t!”
“He didn’t have to kill himself Kelly!”

‘Rush Hour 3’ Quotes:
“I believe whore is spelt with a w.”

“Makes double cos she ain’t got no teeth!”

‘Sex and the Church’ Quotes:
“By this sign: conquer.”

“The Christian God had delivered him the Roman Empire.”

“Couldn’t hack it as a hermit so he gave up.”

“Nibbling larks tongues in aspic.”

Marry Me’ Quotes:
“Groundhog day of the dead.”

“Hot FDR.”

“We’ve waited long enough.”

“Deep dish pizza noise.”

“Eating like a cartoon lizard.”

“Special red lacy spanx.”

“The compliment sandwich.”

“Who picked the fuzzy rug?”

“Chuckles and boobs!”

“More fillet mignon essence?”

Sky News’ Quotes:
“Some rotter.”

“Rotters like that.”

On ‘Neighbours’: Brad caused Matt’s death and is obviously moving in on Lauren. Paige uses Matt’s death as an excuse to insinuate herself into Lauren’s life like a worm. Nate is pissed that his boyfriend is obsessing over pregnant Lucy - who is played by yet another actress.
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: Wastelands 2, part 3 + A Necessary End

Wastelands 2: More Stories Of The Apocalypse edited by John Joseph Adams, part 3

The Elephants Of Poznan
By Orson Scott Card. A horrendous tale about the aftermath of a plague and elephants. This was terrible in every way.

The Postman
This inspired the Kevin Costner movie. 16 years after the end, Gordon staggers around the ruins of what was once North America. He finds a dead postman and a collection of mail sacks. Gordon decides to become a mailman, leading to him getting laid and helping to rebuild America. This was written in 1982 and shows it.

Best Lines:
“The late eighties’ depression riots.”

“My tooth powder!”

“He died a year after the war! In the last battle of the warehouses.”

When We Went To See The End Of The World
You can visit the end of the world. Various self obsessed 70s types do and overlook what is around them.

Best Lines:
“It looked like Detroit after the union nuked Ford.”

“Tom danced with Harriet even though he was married to her.”

“Somebody would probably shoot the new President too.”

“His factory had been blown up at Christmas in a peace demonstration.”

“Their younger boy came back from Texas with that new kind of Cholera.”

The Revelation Of Morgan Stern
A woman wonders why she survived. Weird and with a twist.

Final Exam
A multiple choice quiz on the end of a marriage and the end of the world. Okay.

A Flock Of Birds
The apocalypse and birds. Lame.

Patient Zero
He alone survives. Okay.

Soulless In His Sight
A wannbe gritty tale of survival. No.

Outer Rims
Idiotic multiple POV tale.

Advertising At The End Of The World
Unreadable.

How The World Became Quiet: A Post-Human Creation Myth
Trees and bugs. Terrible.

Tight Little Stitches In A Dead Man’s Back
A rancid tale of awful psychosexual people.

After The Apocalypse
A displaced mother and daughter struggle to survive in the after. But the mother is increasingly tired of her useless whining mistake of a daughter. Good with a good ending.

The Traditional
Freaky.

Monstro
Crap.

Biographical Fragments Of The Life Of Julian Prince
A wikipedia page about an author who survived the Meyer Impact. Excellent.

~
A Necessary End by Sarah Pinborough and F. Paul Wilson
The flies are swarming, spreading plague as they go. Civilization is crumbling and only a few are left. Some find solace in God, some in anger and some in acceptance. This was a very good tale of the end. Shame about the horrible cover and spoiler filled rear page.

Best Lines:
“We can’t paint a man as a death-bringer who makes Hitler and Stalin look like pikers until we have a definite link.”

“He’s gone.”
“Where?”
“To the graveyard. Plague.”

“Might let death into the car.”

“Almost every alley he passed contained a rotting corpse or two.”

“They’re not looking very cured to me.”
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