March 22nd, 2015

To Light The Way To Bed

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Musketeers’ 2x10 promo
Will Constance just die already? Why are we supposed to feel sorry for Anne and Aramis?

‘Wild Card’ TV spot

I won’t review ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ issue 10x13.

I will review ‘Blackwood’ and ‘Skin Game’.

I am reading ‘The Elder Ice’.

WTF is folk fest?

Saw the eclipse, it was good. The last solar eclipse was in 1999.

‘The Huntsman’ is a prequel to ‘Snow White And The Huntsman’?

‘Sleepy Hollow’ has been renewed? Why?

A Carnufex was a 9 foot land dwelling proto crocodile?

I may review ‘Breaking Dawn: Part One’.

‘Richard III: The Princes In The Tower’ Quotes:
“Now beyond reach.”

“Appalling medieval nobleman.”

“Until I see evil in them.”

“Eyed each other nervously.”

“No ifs!”

“I arrest thee!”
“What me my Lord?”

“I see thy head off!”

‘FTWeekend’ Quote:
“You’ve done me wrong and now I’m sad.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Wear inappropriate hats to state occasions.”

“Power-hungry alcoholics.”

“Speaks as if he learned English off a German.”


“Regurgitated rants.”

“Complete disjuncture.”

“No dacoity.”

“Stuffy little place, mentally, morally and physically.”

“Finding himself expelled from boarding school at the age of 13 for, as he says cryptically “burning stuff”.”

“He was caught after drains were found to be blocked with human flesh.”

“Bad French spoken by the ignorant.”

“Body dissatisfaction.”

“Belief in his own righteousness.”

“Overpriced scented candle enthusiasts.”

“Privileged idiocy.”

“Unbearable upstart.”

“When he eventually, inevitably goes to jail.”

“How smutty the question.”

“You literally are a guy who has it all - except for respect, love, friends, good parents and a Grammy.”

“She’s Madonna, so of course she’s done everything - a quick flick through the 1992 box Sex would provide pictorial evidence of most of it.”

“Incredibly depressing films.”

“No one is happy, not even the fascist scum who run things.”

“We have seen the future. And it looks bad.”

“Everyone looks as if they got their fashion cues from Alice Cooper.”

“Women wear a lot of mascara in dystopian societies. So do men. Even in the distant future, harmless, non-threatening young people will get tattoos in a desperate attempt to make themselves look scary.”

“Working on a computer that looks as if it was designed in 1978.”

“Also, the lighting is very poor.”

“Seeking to bring back peace, justice, sensible urban planning and reliable plumbing.”

“Cultural Revolution-mode pyjamas.”

“Siouxsie and the Banshees-era haberdashery.”

“Someone threw a bag of mushy peas at me.”

“For the most part, we were not his priority.”

“A modified rock-chick dress sense unchanged from her 20s: she’s a looker but senses that nowadays people could be looking for the wrong reasons, and it’s dawning on her that the badass routine works only when people fancy you.”

‘The Daily Telegraph’ Quotes:
“Road of misery.”

“A load of Blackpool lager louts.”

“Chewed her pen seductively.”

“All this blame was piled on me.”

“An exhausted toothless wreck. With a cigarette.”

“Les Dawson said his mother-in-law’s smile was like a crack in a septic tank.”

‘Two Broke Girls’ Quote:
“Unless we have those giant Persian roaches again.”

‘Flight Of Black Angel’ Quotes:
“Probably a UFO nut.”

“You prove it or you die.”

“Go to hell.”

“I want the bastard’s ass as much as you do.”

“I’m gonna fly lead.”

“What if he rides it down?”

“He is hostile.”

“No shooting.”

“Ringleader copies.”

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“The moon is leaving us.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Playing the victim.”

“This creep.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Well, it obviously didn’t.”

“Isn’t it your job to know?”

“Christ in the flesh here.”

“So absurd.”

“I’m being blamed.”

“A message of blame.”

“Blame implies intent.”

“Alleged cult leader.”

“Not being authentic with yourself.”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Afraid + Journal Of The Plague Year

Afraid by Jo Gibson
This is a collection of 2 1990s books by the one-time YA horror author.

Dance Of Death
This was published in 1996 and is a poorly rendered tale of a pair of red high heels coveted by various vapid teenage girls. They wear the shoes and arbitrary horrible things happen to them at the behest of inanimate objects that somehow have an agenda. This was moribund and increasingly dismal. You feel detached from the loser idiots in this unsurprisingly generic tale that finds the horizon of crassness and boredom and sails right beyond it. This demonstrates why the 90s model of YA horror is a dead form. There is an entirely improbable resolution where a high school student’s article is printed in every newspaper in the country to warn people about the inexorable killer shoes.

Best Lines:
“I had to recite it to the rats all night, to keep them from eating me. I was locked in the attic and they were very hungry.”

“The answering machine told me.”

“The cursed red shoes had won! She was going to die.”

“There’s no way Lisa’s father could have bought her shoes at Delano’s. Tow truck drivers don’t make that much.”

The Dead Girl
This is from 1993. Orphaned Julie goes to live with her relatives. She soon learns that she is a dead ringer for dead cousin Vicki. Now a stalker is after her, there is slut shaming and emotional incest. This was unsuccessful as various types evince conformity.

Journal Of The Plague Year by C.B. Harvey//Malcolm Cross//Adrian Tchaikovsky
This is a collection of three novellas set in the world of ‘The Afterblight Chronicles’. Oddly ‘The Afterblight Chronicles’ logo isn’t on the cover or mentioned on the back page. But what do you expect? Abaddon have messed up this saga for a long time.

Orbital Decay
Set on the International Space station. The Cull erupts and the non-conversant astronauts wonder about the Pandora experiment and the future. This was good as it is finally explained what the Cull is and that yes, it was deliberate. This was okay but unremittingly ordinary.

Best Lines:
“Arming yourself will not resolve the situation.”

“Put the machete back into the survival kit,”

“They’re not going to have even the basics of a civilization left.”

Dead Kelly
An Australian criminal with no social responsibility emerges from the bush to find that the Cull has struck. Everyone is so blasted furious in post-apoc oz and so begins this airless and contrarian tale of grim psychopathy. In the rampant returning primitivism, nobody wants to rebuild - only destroy, kill and rule in truly vicious style over dead eyed, numb and despairing victims. The uncaring Dead Kelly is incapable of nuance and revels in the grot that surrounds him. This was okay but the dry gulcher Dead Kelly is overwhelmingly intensely dislikeable.

Best Lines:
“The army had these lorries with flamethrowers. For the bodies.”

“That’s why you just happen to have an assault weapon about your person.”

“What were you doing when I found you?”
“Eating out of a bin, Spider!”

“He often wondered whether, if things had turned out differently and he hadn’t hacked them to death with that axe, they might have made good grandparents.”

The Bloody Deluge
Two years after the Cull two scientists are on the run in Poland. The New Teutonic Order is after them and the scientists get refuge in a monastery. One is a militant atheist and a debate on faith and a siege ensue. This was very good and actually has hope for the future.

Best Lines:
“Better to stress the liver than die of Cholera.”

“This is what they do. It’s what they’ve always done.”

“They will not return in our lifetimes.”

“You have never missed an opportunity to show me how very grateful I should be.”

“No quarter, no mercy was asked, expected or given.”

“When history discarded him.”
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Arrow 3x15 + How To Get Away With Murder 1x08 + The Blacklist 2x12 + The Musketeers 2x09 Reviewed

Nanda Parbat
Thea is devoid of function. The quietly majestic Ra’s has a bath. Nyssa rants. Nobody mentions Tommy. It’s perennially nocturnal in Starling City. Nobody thinks Lance should know how his daughter died. Oliver smugs in his power rehearsals and grotesque conventions. I feel an increasingly disconnection from him. Oliver is poisoning what he once wrought.

Thea has a psycho babbling focus on herself. The Arrowgang seems a forced collection of wilfully eccentric personality tics. Felicity and her scrawny life babbles. Thea confesses to Laurel. Ray obsesses over his sociotechnological problems. Laurel confronts Oliver over his lying. Merlyn’s ideological way needs stopping so Thea has him captured by the League. How did Thea contact the League? Oliver wants to rescue Merlyn. Why? There is a bad child actor.

Why is Oliver such an obscurantism? How are all those vigilante fights done surreptitiously? Oliver is a spiteful little creature. How did he get Nyssa in a cage? Oliver is acting in such a way as to deceive human sense. Didn’t Oliver go to Nanda Parbat to fight Ra’s? How can he not know where it is?

This show needs to be reconceptualised. Oliver is smug and insular. Everyone bows to Oliver’s whimsy too meekly. Ra’s was around in 1854. Oliver is an egotistical ass. Diggle calls Oliver his brother for some reason. Where is Sin? Felicity and Ray boff. I don’t care about Ray and his suit. Ra’s al Ghul makes Oliver an offer. WTF? This was dowdy with useless Hong Kong flashbacks.

Best Lines:
“You shouldn’t even speak to me.”

“None of you told me?”

“Some identity issues.”

“Murdered my sister and corrupted yours.”

“Vengeance is justice!”

“You will die there.”

“So far up his colon.”

“Creepily not okay.”

“I was your Horseman.”

“Or at least dignity.”

“Agony and blood.”

“What he was.”

“So take it.”

He Has A Wife
There are flashbacks to Rebecca and Lila doing coke. Meanwhile a woman’s world of rigorous order is undone by her being on trial for murdering her nanny. This show is just a collection of weird, lonely characters. Rebecca’s somewhat aggressive deliberateness is annoying. This was not authentic. Keating and her structuring misery annoys. This show is not pleasingly absurd and does not gain in scale or complexity. This was implicitly awful. Laurel and Frank boff, Connor lies, there is STD talk and affairs all round. Keating tantrums like a bitter hag. Michaela meets her future mother in law who has her measure. Frank has a girlfriend who isn’t Laurel. There is a kiss and Keating is ungrateful. Wes tantrums and Michaela steals.

Best Lines:
“Not going to steal anything.”

“I watch Court TV.”

“It sounds fake I know.”

“You’re sucking up. Stop it.”

“I broke us.”

“A Jesus obsessed control freak.”

“Use your brain instead of your penis.”

“Either sign or I cancel the wedding.”

“Go back to that nasty backwood bayou swamp you came from.”

“You’re going to regret this.”

“He’s not a good man.”

“Where is everyone?”
“Not here yet.”

The Kenyon Family (no. 71)
A cult of perverts/militia nutters is attacked by its own. Cooper’s wife is hyper-emotional. Keen and co stomp around the Kenyon family’s nation-state in the Smokey Mountains. Red grins inanely. Keen is an interfering harpy. Has Ressler’s drug addict plotline been unjustly abandoned? A massacre is uncovered, shipping containers are dug up and there are some highly unsettling twists. The FBI is lamentably stupid. Whatever soul-searing trauma is currently bedevilling them is overcome. This was dithering and vague - it started out well but descended into dullness, earnestness and market orientated mediocrity. Red has no shame and reality is uncongenial to ideological projects - manufactured reality collapses much like this show has.

Best Lines:
“The weak died.”

“Never wanted you.”

“I wish you’d stop.”

“We make Your Word our command.”

“Loathsome individual.”

“Plain spoken common sense.”

“The Church Of The Shield.”

“Doomsday paranoia.”

“The Silver Bear prophecies.”

“Ancient Druid Elder.”

“The Defiled States of America.”

“Ran off with the Uber driver.”

“Feed the turtle.”

“Your tone is insulting.”

“Our Burning Bush.”

The Accused
Constance whines and is an intransigent frump. Aramis and the Queen sulk over being held to account for their adultery. The calculating Rochefort regards people as irritating human shaped obstacles. Rochefort is a sexless censorious humiliator with no grasp of psychological reality. The Queen so enjoyed her defilement, she has no regrets. Milady bugs. Things will be irreparably altered. D’Artagnan is a stupid ass. Where are all the court servants? The Queen and the musketeers defy the King.

Catherine and Milady face each other. Constance wails - oh die bitch. Athos and Milady continue their toxic live indefinitely. Rochefort is in the Cardinal’s old rooms. Louis is poisoned. Milady and Constance both need to die for being annoying. The Queen and Aramis are guilty and intend for a bastard to sit on the French throne. Everyone overlooks that. The Queen is covered in bronzer.

Mad eye starer Rochefort plans a brute cauterisation of the Queen and her staff. The Queen and the musketeers have no recourse. People are increasingly desperate. Is this all a Spanish plan? There is an execution and an arrest. Are we supposed to cheer the violent stupid moronic ‘goodies’ for their lies, violence and smugness? This was good.

Best Lines:
“Sleeping with the Queen has consequences as you are about to discover.”

“My loyalty got the better of me.”

“You have no future without me.”

“He could not forsake me like this.”

“Save your lies.”

“She’s a murdering whore.”

“Forgive me if you can.”

“I will decide what is unwise.”

“Why are you praying?”

“I will beg you one more time.”

“The King will see what you are!”

“The King will very soon know the depths of your disgrace.”