March 8th, 2015

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter + 2 others

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)
The butterface 16th POTUS spent his shirtless youth hunting the undead who masquerade as slavers. This was crap steam punk with bad CGI and women being stuffed into refrigerators. Honest Abe kills vampires super secretly with his axe-gun and this was played super straight.

Best Lines:
“Myths don’t beat you senseless.”

“Cleary you don’t hate him that much.”

Romy And Michele’s High School Reunion (1997)
This lame chick flick stars Mira Sorvino, Lisa Kudrow, Janeane Garofalo and Alan Cummings. It has a soundtrack of naff 80s music, bad jokes, dream sequences, imagine spots and a dance off. Avoid.

Playing For Time (1980)
A dull tale of moral horror and an orchestra.
Scary Books

Legenderry Green Hornet #1 Reviewed

A steam punk take on the character is bold, brave and adventurous. What year is it supposed to be though? The Hornet and Kato prance around a tale of paper thin disguises, Black Beauty III is an airship and something unpleasant lurks. There is gang war, strange cults and this is not a thundering cliché but entertaining. It contains no moody meditations or historical significance but is okay. I hope future issues are as full of intrigue and wild possibilities.

Best Lines:
“My little lord homicide.”

“They say he won’t leave his tin suit. I can’t imagine how it smells in there.”

“Try not to blow this one up, sir.”
Pretty Smart

Book Reviews: Red Queen + Silver On The Tree

Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard
‘The Hunger Games’ meets ‘X-Men’ in this sadly disappointing tale. Red are commoners ruled by the Silvers who posses god like powers. Mare is a Red but inexplicably she develops an ability. The Silvers hide her in plain sight and Mare plans to uses this as a schematic to bring down the regime me from the inside. But Mare isn’t as clever as she thinks she is and the love quadrangle and sadly inevitable betrayal only makes things worse. Mare is an idiot who seethes throughout this overcooked tale and is a dead jealous easily manipulated hick who finds the obvious villain’s insincere folksy specifying inexplicably compelling. She assumes are rivals are all evil idiots in her ominous self-narration. She’s the idiot. This was underwhelming, unconvincing and the pace is so slow, tedious and implausible.

Best Lines:
“Do you even know what they want? Have you even bothered to listen?”

“They reject our mercy, and they have brought upon themselves the worst kind of doom.”

“Shamed, forever.”

“The Poison Bride. She was an animos of House Viper and sent snakes into my great-great-uncle’s bed on their wedding night. They say his blood turned to venom, he was bitten so many times.”

“You wouldn’t survive the coronation night. She would do what mother did and supplant you with her own child.”

“He knows what he is, and worst of all, he likes it.”

Silver On The Tree by Susan Cooper
This 1977 novel is an overwritten disappointing end to the ‘Dark Is Rising’ sequence. The Dark is defeated through vagueness and there are ass pulls and this was just fuzzy.
To Light The Way To Bed

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Musketeers’ 2x09 promo
Rochefort has the eye-patch and paranoia is layered on by his madness. Looks good.

Best Line:

Run All Night’ TV spot

‘The Gunman’ TV spot

Vanilla milkshake with crunchy honeycomb pieces - ugh.

Read an interesting ‘Hannibal’ casting spoiler.

I remember Soda Stream and Smash.

Anyone else recall ‘Willo The Wisp’?

Saw photos of the repackaged ‘She-Ra’ dolls (Castaspella, Entrapa, Frosta, Glimmer, Mermista, Flutterina and Double Mischief) and they are fugly. Also Double Mischief’s real name is Double Trouble! Though the new Kowl is very cute. And Scorpia and Shadow Weaver finally gets made into figures. Cool! The Light Hope figure is terrible in every way as is Madame Razz. Catra and her pink cat sword is very good.

‘CSI: Cyber’ sounds crap.

‘Independence Day 2’ sounds crap.

I’m on a break from ‘Hollyoaks’.

RIP Michele Ferrero creator of Kinder Eggs, Tic Tac mints, Ferrero Rocher choc and Nutella. Also RIP Mal Peet author of ‘The Murdstone Trilogy’.

I won’t review ‘Angel & Faith’ 10x12.

I will review ‘Legacy’ and ‘Fracture’.

‘16 & Pregnant’ Quotes:
“First drug test I ever passed.”

“No more weed.”

“Every day the faith goes away more.”

“Here’s my kid, you can be alone with him.”

‘Ross Kemp Extreme World’ Quotes:
“Lost out.”

“A forgotten white working class.”

“Bedsit land.”

“How long have you been taking heroin and crack?”
“Since I was 19. I’m 42 now.”

“They just throw you to the seaside town.”

“A parallel society.”

“Some of the most uneducated in the country.”

“Get 20p and sleep in the 20p toilets.”

“Keep myself safe in there.”

“In the groin, yeah.”

“Dumping grounds for the unwanted and neglected.”

“Alcohol mortality rate.”

“Just don’t open it for no-one.”

“Got significant issues.”

“Bad parenting.”

Cucumber’ Quotes:
“Claiming provocation.”

“I looked at my skin this morning. It looked like the city of Homs.”

“Hairs on your cock.”

“Cock hairs.”

“Oh Christ almighty.”

“Cry-wank yourself to sleep.”

“That’s mine you bastards!”

“All of your stuff will be on sale in a pub in Ordsall by 12 o’clock.2

‘Dr Phil’ Quote:
“I don’t wanna go.”


“Super upset.”

“Drunk 100% of the time.”

“Refused to come back to treatment.”

“Getting into a ton of trouble all over Texas.”

“Couldn’t take it anymore.”

“What’s he been getting arrested for?”

“Fighting people.”

“Getting stabbed in the face.”

“Trading sex for drug money.”

“When he’s not drunk, he’s a very nice person.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Smack addicted shoplifters.”

“Making fish fingers in Hungary.”

“Old men drinking on street corners before 10am, and absent buy-to-let landlords snapping up family homes, splitting them up and renting rooms to all comers, letting streets slump into disrepair, about poverty sharpening resentment of anyone seemingly getting something for nothing.”

“Two words: Spray travels.”

“With a Labour leader he habitually calls useless, and worse.”

“Who mercifully never capers.”

“Touchingly credulous.”

“Unusually meditative.”

“Leaves you wrung through.”

“Conceived in a cruise ship hot tub.”

“Whose war babies were of indeterminate parentage.”

“Nightmarish co-dependency.”

“Inveterate moper.”


“Veritable idiot magnet.”

“Lazily formatted, creeped-out nightmare.”

“Must have rolled over in his sleep and killed the tooth fairy.”

“He was just a sad old man.”

“Slack-jawed, startle eyed.”

“He won and suddenly there was hatred.”

“Electoral poison.”

“Ridiculed for being photographed grinning inanely with a banana.”

“Social gaucheness.”

“This social unease.”

“Bottles of emu oil.”

“She was sitting on a grubby playmat with a dog’s tail in her mouth.”

“As if we were completely irrelevant.”

“Urban anomie.”

“The lower end of the literary snobbery spectrum.”

“Hygienically sexy 1970s version.”

“With their Lysol and carbolic.”

“Impossible men.”

“Don’t talk ‘cleverly’ to him.”

“A progress out of falsity.”

“Watch a man called Shep smash all the crockery every time Arsenal lost.”

“Loss aversion.”

‘FTWeekend’ Quotes:
“Most 1950s Britons lived in houses dating back to the Edwardian period or earlier.”

“Dingy domestic drudgery.”

“Partying together in high 1980s style.”

“A series of adverts featuring adults stimulating carnal activity with an ice-cream scoop.”


“Rueing his lost job.”

“He writes contritely.”

“The complex dynamics between those who shame and those who are shamed.”

“Brutal synecdoches of their character.”

“Use the internet unofficially to police one another.”



“Neophile, frivolous.”

“Miss the mark tonally.”

“An encyclopaedic catalogue of inconsequential moments.”

“Unaffected, demotic directness.”

“Emotional intensity.”

“Action thriller manqué.”

“A seedy failure prone to hilariously misfiring scams.”

“His prolixity.”

“Sly glee”

“Dire situation.”
Scary Books

Arrow 3x13 + How To Get Away With Murder 1x06 + The Blacklist 2x10 + The Musketeers 2x08 Reviewed

Laurel does hero stuff and her wig never comes off. Oliver needs to go away. Malcolm lurks and enunciates like Shatner. Oliver dictates to everyone. Who cares about Thea? Count Vertigo II escapes and gurns. DJ dick and Thea bill and coo. Oliver shows Thea the arrowcave and she claims to be understanding. Thea makes it all about her. The Hong Kong flashbacks bore as does Amanda Waller. Nobody mentions if Ted Grant is okay. Oliver calls Laurel an addict.

Oliver was and is a tool. Count Vertigo II recognises Laurel and does her and she hallucinates Sara (Caity Lotz). There is a Canary fight but no wigs come off. Laurel bleeds. Laurel is covered in buckles. Roy is sick of Oliver’s crap and so is Felicity. Diggle is just boring. Felicity badmouths Sara. Thea realises DJ dick is a lying liar who lies.

Roy and Malcolm somehow show up at an opportune moment. DJ dick dies. Nobody notices this or two people running around in fetish outfits. There is a ‘Breaking Bad’ rip-off. Black Canary and Arrow team up; Laurel gets dosed again and beats Count Vertigo II down. Laurel finally tells Quentin about Sara. Oliver pisses off again and this time takes Thea to Lian Yu. This show is struggling and has a serious lack of aspiration.

Best Lines:
“You’re not a hero.”

“Reformed playboy and failed businessman.”

“Epically epic.”

“God forgive me.”

“I will weep for thee.”

“You smell like smoke. Korean barbecue?”

“Be glad.”

“Boy hair.”

“I fancy the new outfit.”

“Selfish bitch.”

“You should be dead. I salute your persistence!”

“Can you live with what it’s become?”

“You think you can be me?”

“Not my baby, not again.”

Freakin’ Whack-A-Mole
Wes delights in his power over Annalise. The Keating 5 do a death row appeal. This is not the most subtle of TV dramas as Annalise rants. Wes outmans everyone and I’m thinking of dropping this show. People mumble about judicial misconduct. Asher has daddy issues. This was boring with useless flashforwards and Laurel is accused of leading Frank the sexist on. Frank is an ass, Annalise needs Sam and WTF is up with Bonnie? Who killed Sam? Also Frank and Annalise aren’t as clever as they think they are.

Best Lines:
“You haven’t been answering your phone or your door.”

“Old ladies find me charming.”

“Pressure to convict.”

“Do I detect prejudice in your voice?”

“You ungrateful little twit.”

“Take that back!”
“Why should he?”

Luther Braxton (no 21): Conclusion
The Level 10 detention facility is escaped with ease. Braxton has Liz. Where did he get a private medevac chopper? There is bad green screen and negative notions. TPTB need to give this show a serious rethink. Braxton hurls wild accusations. Few characters have personality. Braxton is nonplussed about menacing but that deal’s not flying these days. This show isn’t boundary pushing, intoxicating or infectious anymore.

I’ve no idea what’s coming and I don’t care. A doctor is told to retrieve a memory of Liz’s. Nobody is unassuming, kind or socially intelligent. Red and co somehow get off the oil rig. Red does stone faced tutting and sighing as he can’t quite maintain patience with Braxton. There is babble about a memory extinction gene. My intrinsic confidence in this show is gone.

Liz recalls the fire 26 years ago and her toy rabbit. There is yelling about Liz’s father. Men make heavy handed metaphors to each other. Braxton is no longer content to be a minion. Red makes sex jokes. Who is the main antagonist of this show? WTF is the fantastical fulcrum? Why did Liz’s home burn down? Why should I care? TPTB need to detoxify Liz. There is a soured relationship between Liz and Red which begets boredom.

Braxton is dead, Liz’s memories have been blocked and Liz rips up her beloved old rabbit toy and discovers a device she never noticed before in 26 years. Oh piss off show. Where is Tom? Have TPTB remembered that Cooper is dying? This was terrible.

Best Lines:
“Is burning.”

“It does not exist, it never existed.”

“This never occurred.”

“This rig is sinking.”

“I told you so.”

“A memory she has no memory of.”

“They’ve come to an end. Mr Braxton has started something he can’t finish.”

“What’s in it for us?”

“Where is she?”


“If you’re looking for your driver. He’s napping in the trunk.”

“I know just what you are.”

“I know exactly who you are. A thug.”

“Call my bluff. Please, call my bluff.”

The Prodigal Father
Rochefort has no great lucidity and speaks and thinks in the same emotionally deadened tone that shows he is a psychotic creature. Porthos meets his long lost daddy in an un-emotional journey. Constance bores and d’Artagnan is an ass. Porthos aristo daddy lives in shadows and sob stories. Aramis is not very bright. Treville broods. Porthos meets his sleazy family. Constance should be whipped as a harlot not prancing around the palace with two suitors after her.

Fragile autocrat Louis XIII fears he will be assassinated like his father and Rochefort has a strange appeal to him. Anne only has one attendant and still thinks Rochefort is great hero, honest and that he a disarming smile or something. So why did she regift his jewelled crucifix to Aramis? Porthos’ new family lack any tact or sensitivity. Milady disgusts Athos with her plotting. This was not riveting or brilliantly intense.

Porthos and Treville have shallowly constructed issues. People have violent mindsets. Sex trafficking is uncovered, d’Artagnan flicks his messianic locks whilst Aramis has born again radicalism. This had no whimsy or steely conviction. Rochefort causes Louis distress through a campaign of deliberate misinformation. As the atmosphere in court grows more toxic Anne finally becomes aware that the deeply disturbing and undignified Rochefort is psychosexually fixated on her and pokes him in the eye with a hairpin. But it’s too late for her even as his pernicious aspects are clear to her. There will be unforeseeable consequences from him seeing her as behaving improperly.

This episode was egregious, heinous and hypersensitive. Anne just confesses her treasonous adultery to Constance. Porthos just accepts preconceptions and conjecture. There are unflinching indignities and injuries all around along with wider prejudices. In all this ep had no eloquence. Bellicose rhetoric is shouted, Constance needs to die and Rochefort expectorates that he’s been obsessed with Anne since she was 14. There was bad acting, Anne is repulsed, Constance crawls back to d’Artagnan. There is grumpy complaining, coldness, errant aristocrats, desperate contrivance, angry narcissism and seething resentment. I feel large scale indifference for this reducible, shambloic, derisory ep that was full of lofty pomposity.

Best Lines:
“I had my reasons, good ones.”

“I’m glad he’s dead.”

“Why should we mourn him?”

“Rochefort is growing more powerful by the day.”

“Raise your glass Eleanor.”

“My wife is not related to you!”

“He comes from trade and lacks any breeding.”

“You and I could be content together.”

“This is your home. Get used to it.”

“He told me things.”

“Absolutely charming wife.”

“No whore’s trick.”

“Clandestine but legal.”

“Ungrateful witch of a daughter.”

“It is bigger than yours.”

“Your servants answer to me now.

“The King will hear of your adultery with the musketeer Aramis! Guards! Come quickly there is treason in our midst! TREASON!”