March 3rd, 2015


Trailers, Quotes and a 2000 Tape Tale

‘Chappie’ TV spot

‘Elvira’s Movie Macabre’ opening credits

‘Gotham’ promo
Mob war!

‘Suite Francaise’ TV spot

‘Hex’ series 2 promo
The antichrist baby and Ella show up in this 2005 show.

Best Line:
“He has his father’s eyes!”

Mint Dark choc - good.

Season 3 of ‘House of Cards’ sounds bad.

There’s a sequel to ‘The Three’! Yay!

I will review ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’.

There is to be a 5th ‘Alien’ movie?

I’m not interested in another ‘Supergirl’ incarnation or the latest ‘Arrow’ spin-off.

That 1980s song ‘Walk The Dinosaur’ is terrible.

‘The Sunday Business Post’ Quotes:
“I have freedom. I could buy 90 cars tomorrow. I just can’t drive them.”

“All you do is shout at each other all day.”

“Your Downton Abbey rock.”

“King of dad rock.”

“Communist heroin.”

“My father hates idle bastards too.”

“Searing and disconcertingly honest.”

“Bellowing Mancunian vocals.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“If you want an example of how to get rid of money quickly just live here and hang out with a few people.”

“A millionaire spending as a billionaire.”

“Long hair, shirt off.”

“Soapy storylines.”

“Who is now so old that Hollywood numbers don’t even go that far.”

“Thin gruel indeed.”

“Buying BMWs and my hobby was crashing them. That was not a wise period.”

“Know what you’re worth, not what you’re told you’re worth.”

“Distaste for comfort.”

“Feeling particularly antagonistic.”

“It’s the porn-baron associations that get to me.”

“Stack of pay-off diamond rings and a spray tan.”

“Designed for early burn.”

“Candles have been reported to explode.”

“Managing to steal the family housekeeping money and buying chips.”

“I bought a load of chips for us. I put so much vinegar on mine that the bag broke and they fell into a puddle.”

“Bog-standard 1990s semi.”

“Craving character.”

“Tatty carpets.”

“Advised in brusque tones.”

“Miles and miles of bugger all.”

“Worrying jackhammer alacrity of a porn film.”

“Unfolds with the intensity and insanity of a telenovela.”

“Dragging the clothes from his body.”

“This is about as awful as films get.”

“Ignores the screams of fury and disbelief that come along the phone lines.”

“Much of what makes him objectionable.”

“Petty-minded fools.”

“He steals cigarettes as a matter of principle to express his existential freedom.”

“Lost faith in fiction.”

“Unrepentant gropers.”

“The first treatment for Eastenders suggested that it should be set in a caravan park.”

“Doesn’t want home-made pickles.”

“Even he balked at what he had done.”

“Blighted villages.”

“Designer lofts with circular beds.”

“An infinity pool, crowded with blow-up dolphins.”

“Chippendale-esque staff.”

“Our dream holiday is a 1980s music video.”

“Broke with expensive taste.”

“It was bling and hookers and drive-by uzis, and headless bodies left in ornamental fish ponds.”

“International art bollocks.”

“Staggeringly bad value.”

“Here’s a large fish, eat it.”

“Emotional suppression.”

“Professional Jezebel.

“I was kicked out of my home.”

“Chanting raucously.”

“Injuriously adversarial.”

“The levels of venom and hatred.”

“Bored by a book when you’ve barely cleared the first paragraph.”

“Never liked ye.”

“Hold someone accountable.”

“Implies emotional fragility.”

“Getting up close and personal with an owl, in a bar, in Soho.”

“Done nothing since 2008 to look for work, retrain or to prepare herself for work.”

‘Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark’ Quotes:
“I need this job like a leper needs a three way mirror.”

“Does anybody know what that movie was about? I’ll tell you what it was about. It was about an hour and a half too long!”

“It’s the antichrist I tell you! The antichrist!”

“This quaint little hellhole.”

“Go ahead, bore me.”

“Is that make up I see on your face young lady?”

“Cheap little tart.”

“Now that we’ve dispensed with the obligatory display of bereavement.”

“Shut up you old bag.”

“To my dear brother Vincent, I leave the rest of my estate and holdings. Of which there is none.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quote:
“I wasn’t even high in that picture.”

‘Spy Hard’ Quote:
“You scumbag.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“What’s wrong with your ears?”

“Look out the window!”

“Ethnic princess section.”

“The cool zone is beyond maximum capacity. Disperse! Disperse!”

“Easily reassured fool.”

“That’s creeping me out.”

“Groin gravy.”

“Scream collector.”

“Useless humans.”

“Cat ate my heart medicine.”

‘The Sunday Telegraph’ Quotes:
“To prove the point, he flushed his Kindle down the lavatory.”

“Caused such a scene that the police were called.”

“People go mad after taking it.”

“Speak in a very high-handed way.”

“Brittle undercurrent.”

“Coarse, malign or rude.”

“Suffered a torn scrotum and had four teeth knocked out.”

“Didn’t do much for his judgement.”

“Raffles, the gentleman thief of the gas-lit London he remembers so well.”

“Nuanced eyebrow raising.”

“An ambitious seductress.”

“Didn’t even come close to having the necessary skills for the job.”

‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ Quotes:
“What the hell did you take?”
“I have no idea but they were bowing to it.”

“A civilization that’s barely invented the wheel happened to see a starship rising out of their ocean!”

“Somewhere he believes we are unwilling to go.”

“There’s no way anyone survived.”
“He could.”

‘Red Queen’ Quotes:
“My only real friend. We used to beat each other up as children.”

“I can see all his teeth are gone or broken. Maybe he ran afoul of his own toothbrush when he was a growing boy.”

“The gods rule us still. They have come down from the stars. And they are no longer kind.”

Cleared out a tape from 2000. It began with a ‘Hercules: The Legendary Journeys’ ep ‘Darkness Visible’ in which the duo are shirtless in the Carpathians as they look up old pal Vlad. Iolaus becomes a vampire. This was murkier looking than usual but was not knowing or amusing. Herc and his heroic entablature ruinously overshadows everything. This had no purpose.

Best Line:
“Don’t think.”

Then came an ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ ep ‘Them Bones, Them Bones’. Xena is knocked up with the show killing baby. Alti lurks doing more mercurial plotting. The show was worn thin and ragged at this point. Then came a season 4 ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Where The Wild Things Are’. Riley and Buffy shag and shag. This ep was surplus to society’s requirements. Spike lurks. The sheer effrontery of TPTB to foist this on us.

Then came a season 1 ‘Angel’ ep ‘Five By Five’. Faith arrives in LA whilst Angel has flashbacks to Darla and their amorality. Wesley lurks and Lilah wears too much blusher. A bad wig is worn. There is pre-emptive disapproval of Faith. This was boring.

Best Line:
“Are we playing a game?”

Then there was a ‘Nash Bridges’ ep ‘Line of Sight’ in which people run around in a perilous strategy. This was undersung.

Finally there was an ‘X Files’ ep ‘The Amazing Maleeni’ which was ‘The Prestige’ before ‘The Prestige’. This was an ep of thwarted aspiration.

Best Lines:
“He sucks. Why?”

“He still sucks.”

“That was performance art.”

“A bad Mexican car accident. In Mexico.”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: The Life Of David Gale + 18 others

The Life Of David Gale (2003)
Kevin Spacey stars as David Gale a former anti death penalty activist who is now on death row for the rape and murder of a colleague which he claims was career destroying retaliation. A reporter gets to interview him before his execution and he protests his innocence. There is a David Gale death house and museum run by her from ‘Bridesmaids’ and ‘Gilmore Girls’. Gale relates via lengthy flashback how his life fell apart when his obstinate, obstructive, venomous, hate filled wife abandoned him. This resulted in much of his misconduct happening when he was drunk, which was often. Gale became discontented and his political philosophy seemed empty. The words were still delivered with indignation but he was largely being ignored. Then he was accused and convicted of rape and murder. The reporter uncovers the truth in all its brutal simplicity and creepy malevolence. The ‘murder’ scene looks like people acting out their own porn film and the big twist just tops off the dreary, derivative dead wood that is this film.

Best Lines:
“I hate killing and my administration will kill to stop it.”

“There is no truth.”

“It’s a logical contradiction.”

“We also got a video. It’s 50 bucks cos you can see my tits. There’s a version without tits it’s 35.”

“Who did she kill?”

“Everyone will remember him with disgust.”

“That’s a lot of hate.”

“Almost martyrs don’t count.”

“Currently home to weirdoes incorporated.”

“She made sure there was no way out.”

“A good demonstration has to end with riots and arrests.”

Total Recall (1990)
Memorable if sexist.

Twelve Monkeys (1995)
Un-resonant painful drama.

Misery (1990)
A writer (James Caan) is trapped in the not so tender mercies of his Number 1 Fan (Kathy Bates). This was dark, scary, oddly funny and full of endlessly evolving complications from the insidious harsh threatening nutter and her hostile attitude.

Scarface (1983)
A morality tale which exudes all the empathy and passion of a failing VCR. All surface and no depth.

Ghost Rider (2007)
A lowlife hood features in this oddly bloodless formless and texturless film that is cringingly idiotic.

Crimson Tide (1995)
People yell about nasty ramifications in this loud unerringly inept film.

Number By Numbers (2003)
A Sandra Bullock film in which two boys unable to express empathy are murderous. This was murky, dark, bleak and watery.

National Treasure: Book Of Secrets (2007)
This put the franchise on the fast track to oblivion.

The Godfather part III (1990)
Life slowly slides away from the Don and there is theatrically staged slaughter.

Emma (1996)
The chilly sexless Gwyneth Paltrow prances.

Internal Affairs (1990)
A tale of petty fragilities and tiny indignities. Richard Gere does smiling and not smiling.

Coneheads (1993)
A particularly repellent ‘comedy’ full of growing unpleasantness.

Heartbreakers (2001)
Morally innocent con artists and their tonged to death hair bore.

Kill Bill Vol 1 (2003)
A distraction and a charmless one.

Crocodile Dundee (1986)
Lacks panoramic scope.

The Godfather part II (1974)
Despite loftier claims, this bores and is intransigent and arid.

The Devil Rides Out (1968)
Christopher Lee v satanic human detritus! Okay.

Goldeneye (1995)
Tina Turner sings and Pierce Brosnan is silent, strong and austere. I vehemently dislike Daniel Craig.
Scary Books

Book Review: The Dolls

The Dolls by Kiki Sullivan
This starts out so promisingly as Eveny returns to the small town with a secret, Carrefour. But as soon as Eveny starts learning the secrets and the crappy insta-love kicks in this goes downhill. It’s all about hierarchies that the elite engineer, immoderate quantities of not-voodoo, characters robbed of personality, an enemy who sees magic users as aggressive filth and a plot so subtle as to border on the imperceptible. With patronising attention to designer clothing and a colluding enemy to boot, this is a mess. It has a sequel but it and this should be remaindered.

Best Lines
“There’s a storm coming, and they’re the ones bringing it here.”

“I heard it was so gruesome that the police chief hurled all over the scene.”

“We are not living in an episode of The Jerry Springer show.”

“You zandara whores.”
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Person Of Interest 3x10 + Gotham 1x05 Reviewed

The Devil’s Share
‘Hurt’ plays as Carter is buried and Reese rampages. There are flashbacks to 2010 and Finch being defeatist, 2005 and Dr Shaw’s career ending, 2007 and Reese being murdery and 2005 and Lionel confessing. It is such a desperate situation that Root is let out. Quinn doesn’t know when to quit. The shark like Simmons’ shifting life comes down to a fist fight. No one is left unsullied and this was good with a final twist. HR is finally dead.

Best Lines:
“Psychopathic vigilante at the scene.”
“Which one?”

“Tall, dark and deranged.”

“Dropped hum off the roof of a building.”

“He got the devil’s share.”

Doesn’t the seemingly nutty Bruce have school to go to? Alfred is impartial and ignored. Cat-teen shows up. Green vials of a drug called Viper turns users into soft sibilant crazies. The drug has nasty side effects. A busker has a sign that says: Why Lie I Need Money For Drugs. Alfred knows something but Sean Pertwee is wasted. Fish trains her weapon and rants. Maroni poses. Wayne Enterprises is behind things. This was good and blackly comic. Penguin advises Don Maroni. Edward is thrilled and Harvey is a nihilist. Where is Ivy? Viper is the prototype for Venom. There is set up for the future with the evil Mathis, Warehouse 39 and Fish’s weapon attracting Falcone.

Best Lines:
“Do not vex me, mortal.”

“Pickles, bring em.”

“Stole your ATM over milk?”

“Excited, now?”

“You have to earn that.”

“We’re not in your godforsaken freedom.”

“Ladies are in the kitchen or bed.”

“They die a horrible death.”

“Skell on skell mayhem.”

“A dishwasher in a suit.”

“Good story, well told.”

“Still putting too much sex on it.”

“Some dark moral corners.”

“I’m not hearing a sense of moral outrage.”

“I’ll help you die quicker, you terrorist!”

“What’s altruism?”

“Don’t shoot!”
“That’s considerate of you!”