February 27th, 2015

PromNight2

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Raised By Wolves’ promo
Huh.

‘The Following’ season 3 promo
What?

‘Unfinished Business’ TV spot
No.

‘American Crime’ promo
What?

Orange & Chocolate seed shot - nice.
VCH lima lemon - okay.
Cajun Quarter Pounder - very good.
Minter Wonderland ice cream - okay.
Luxury Valencia Orange yogurt - good.
Honeycomb choc - okay.

I will review ‘The Life of David Gale’, ‘Journal of the Plague Year’, ‘Night School’ and ‘The Dolls’.

‘Broadchurch’ has been renewed? WTF?

‘Moone Boy’ Quote:
“I don’t think he diluted that. I think he’s drinking it neat.”

‘10,000 BC’ Quotes:
“He’s toxic.”

“If the apocalypse came, I’d be rubbish.”

“Stone Age people were mad.”

“These people don’t deserve me.”

“Toilet in the woods, not washing, no make up.”

“They must have been so miserable in the Stone Age.

“I’m not sure how.”

“There is hair everywhere.”

“Go away!”

“The group remains meatless.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“You need to be in a morgue.”

“Not the best.”

“He was stealing your pain meds?”

“Which is completely false.”

“I started seeing the Facebook.”

“It’s all over the internet.”

“All over their internet.”

“Buys foil to make a tinny.”

“Dies unnaturally.”

“A safe classy level.”

“Nasty and disgusting.”

“The problem solving skills the two of you don’t have.”

“Shame on the both of you.”

“Deep sickness in a human being.”

“Riot police show up at his door.”

“Very mentally unstable.”

“I’m a pathological liar?”

“You don’t matter at all.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Social attitudes of the time.”

“Less public understanding and acknowledgement.”

Kane Quote:
“I buried my brother alive, twice. Since then I’ve set a couple of people on fire and abducted various co-workers. Oh and I, uh, once electrocuted a man’s testicles. Years ago I had a girlfriend named Katie but let’s just say that didn’t turn out too well. My real father is a guy named Paul Bearer, who I recently trapped in a meat locker. I’ve been married, divorced, broke up my ex-wife’s wedding and tombstoned the priest. And for reasons never quite explained, I have an unhealthy obsession with torturing Pete Rose.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Jack isn’t in jail, he’s picking up trash at Jason’s eating disorder clinic. Peri tells Tom she’s pregnant. To be blunt Tom doesn’t look mature enough to father a child. Theresa gets a job as a school secretary and can’t spell secretary. John-Paul somehow has his job back. Patrick and Trevor square off.
Richard/Lost

Movie Reviews: Satan's Cheerleaders + Head Over Heels + Vanity Fair + 13 others

Satan’s Cheerleaders (1977)
From the director of ‘Wacko’ and ‘Lambada: The Forbidden Dance’ comes this tale of disco music, bad acting, ugly clothes and un-magnificently bitchy cheerleaders. A nasty devil worshipping janitor wants to get the irritating handjob girls. The moronic cheerleading coach is a moron, the cheerleaders strike ‘sexy poses’ and the Fonz like football coach is a greased up twit. They attend Benedict High in the town of Arnold. Oh ha ha, ha.

The four cheerleaders and their coach head off to a game but their car breaks down in the vicinity of dim-witted pom pom fetishist devil worshippers. The four cheerleaders hitchhike in their ugly attire, the creepy janitor lurks as does a bum (John Carradine), a monk (played by Charlie Chaplin’s son) and one cheerleader Patti is molested by satan in the woods. This was misogynistic putrid crap.

Sheriff Bubb and his wife Emmy (Yvonne de Carlo of ‘Mirror Mirror‘) lurk being wilfully incompetent slow witted white trash. The cheerleaders make locker room graffiti jokes and conform to the worst cheerleader stereotypes. They think Keats is what footballers wear on their feet. Eventually though the slutty cheerleaders realise they are surrounded by an incompetent devil cult. Budd and his dogs Lucifer and Diablo chase them as Patti, Sharon, Chris and Debbie do carnal simmering and show off their bold hold hairspray.

Best Lines:
“Pull her hair!”

“The big tough football hero fell down!”

“We’re having an orgy, what’s it to you?”

“When it comes to making men.”
“You can’t beat a cheerleader!”

“Please don’t do anything foolish.”
“I won’t.”

“God is number 1!”

“Pre-vert!”

“Let’s hitchhike yo guys!”

“Handful, yep.”

“There’s a dead man lying out there in the woods!”

“Where men are men.”
“And the women are glad of it.”

“She’s thinking.”
“Why would anyone want to do that?”

“Praise be to satan.”

“Let’s split up.”

“Crazy satan cult.”

~
Head Over Heels (2001)
A Monica Potter/Freddie Prinze Jr romantic comedy with models, dumb comedy, a non-murder and diarrhoea jokes yet it is oddly cute and funny.

Best Lines:
“This shirt makes me look like a heroin addict.”
“And not in a good way.”

“The look on your face. I used to see it all the time when I’d catch me Uncle Pete looking at me.”

“I got the limo at the Jackie auction; it’s totally bullet-proof.”

~
Vanity Fair (2004)
In Regency England, Becky (Reese Witherspoon) leaves school sporting a silly posh accent and looking for a husband. Gabriel Byrne lurks ominously looking like an ill tended compost heap. Becky’s bbf Amelia is to marry the horrible George (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers of ‘The Tudors’ and ‘Dracula’). George has obvious contempt for everyone and Amelia can’t see that nice guy (Rhys Ifans in a bad wig) loves her. People stomp around, at various times Becky and Amelia end up the embodiment of desolation but love saves them. George foils Becky’s first attempt at husband hunting so Becky moves onto being a governess to a burk (Bob Hoskins) and manages to marry his son (James Purefoy of ‘The Following’).

Ugly uncomfortable costumes are worn. An Irish wolfhound looms. George has a punchable face. Becky wants to climb the social ladder. There is comedy nudity and Amelia’s family is ruined. George is a bounder and a cad. Nice guy despairs. There is racism and Becky ends up married to George and widowed and a mother in short order. Becky has a son, the dug up looking Byrne ruins her and her husband abandons her. George’s son grows up to be a burk. Nice guy is only ever a friend. Becky becomes a 'card dealer'. Amelia won’t listen to sense and is rescued by nice guy. Evil toff gets away with being an evil toff. Becky gets saved by her lost first guy. Eileen Atkins, Jim Broadbent and Geraldine McEwan run around. This was iffy.

Best Lines:
“The less said about that the better.”

“Revenge may be wicked but it’s perfectly natural.”

“It has made him rich.”

“Keep your toadying until I get to a fire.”

“Are you trying to steer me towards an indiscretion?”

“False note.”

“It can be un-understood.”

“Marry an heiress and buy a peerage for yourself.”

“There’s nothing you can’t have if you will reach for it.”

“If you think it would be amusing.”

“My place? How kind of you to remind me.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“We’re ruined.”

“That life, finished for us.”

“To begin with, she’s not English.”

“What of honour?”
“Honour.”

“Be silent Sir!”

“What does everyone receive her?”

“We march in 3 hours!”

“Will you not wish to know that?”

“In my way I have loved you.”
“Then that is your misfortune.”

“You think I’m like him?”
“Very.”

“Your mother won’t wish to see her.”

“You have none sir?”

“You have no children.”
“Don’t I know it.”

“You can hardly lay that at her door.”
“Can’t I?”

“That little devil.”

We are both weary of it.”

“You trail wickedness and heartache.”

“We have all been fools.”

“You have no friends beyond this door.”

“It’s the women who keep the doors of society closed.”

“My wife is as gay as Lady Macbeth.”

~
Citzenfour (2014)
A self congratulatory liberal documentary about the preening smug faced Edward Snowden. This was scarcely credible.

Best Lines:
“I don’t want to get anybody’s door kicked in.”

“Solutions consultant.”

“I already know how this will end for me.”

“People self-police their own views.”

~
The Pom Pom Girls (1976)
Terrible.

Invitation To Hell (1984)
Satan (Susan Lucci of ‘Devious Maids’) runs a health spa. Robert Urich must foil her. This okay camp was directed by Wes Craven.

Slumber Party Massacre (1982)
Dull, stupid and slow.

Soul Survivors (2002)
Crap.

Scary Movie 2 (2001)
Yuk.

Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th (2000)
Okay.

Slaughter High (1986)
Turgid.

Little Shop Of Horrors (1986)
I like the songs.

Hard To Kill
Steven Segal plays Mason Storm who wakes up from a 7 year coma and kicks ass. Camp hilarity.

Terminal Velocity (1994)
Charlie Sheen crap.

Spy Hard (1996)
A Leslie Nielsen starring parody in which the villain is ‘Matlock’ and the line “I’m an unarmed man!” has never been so literal. Okay.

Transformers (2007)
Okay.
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Scary Books

The Flash 1x12 + The 100 2x08 + Wolf Hall 1x06 + Arrow 3x12 Reviewed

Crazy For You
Cisco obsesses over Ronnie and polices Snow’s grief. A teleporting metahuman does boring stuff. Barry sees his dad (the underused John Wesley Shipp) in jail. Hartley annoys and babbles about Stein (Victor Garber of ‘Alias’). Hartley and his intellectual snobbery bores. Cisco is a moron. Hartley is so non-conformist that he conforms to everything on the non-conformist list.

There is babbling about bomb shadows and then Hartley gets his hearing aids back and runs off. Wells babbles about quantum entanglement and quantum splicing. Iris bores. Barry rants about Iris not wanting to suck his dick. Stein and Ronnie merged in the dark matter blast. Cisco is a fool. Snow gets drunk, sings karaoke and vomits. Barry dates Linda.

This had no contemporary real message. This episode fell flat and felt utterly stale. It didn’t engage or come across as even remotely plausible. These are the most self obsessed people on the planet. Barry’s dad gets stabbed; the villain of the week is caught and abandoned. Iris is miffed that Barry has moved on. Barry won’t stop lying even though his dad knows. In the only good part of this episode sewer workers are attacked by Grodd.

Best Lines:
“I’d start babbling.”

“Made some poor choices.”

“Super villain basement jail.”

“Crazy cool, right.”

“Parker pulled a Shawshank?”

“Why he didn’t leave.”

“Catch me if you can.”
“I can.”

“Spooky action.”

“Southside dive bars.”

“Made my ears happy.”

“The evil dress.”

~
Spacewalker
Will they stop waving guns? Raven, Finn, Bellamy, Abbie and Clarke are shocked at the idea of Finn paying for his mass murder. Murphy stirs the pot, Lincoln grows a beard, Abbie snots and flashbacks to one year ago try to give Finn and Raven depth. A lot of people note that Finn killed 18 people and has to pay. Why do Clarke and co keep protecting the mass murderer? Abbie is loathsome. Finn once loved Raven, now he loves Clarke. He’s a fast mover. Kane returns. Abbie is a fool. Flashbacks show that Raven and Finn were always reckless fools who made bad decisions. Bellamy trouble makes. Finn was and is a moron. Raven is vile. Everyone defends Finn until he hands himself over. Clarke does something and blubbers. This was iffy.

Best Lines:
“Get rid of him!”

“Give him to the Grounders!”

“I’m not dying for him.”

“A lot of people died last time.”

“Tried to stop him.”
“Not hard enough.”

“Starts?”

“There’s nowhere to go.”

“Courage isn’t justice.”

“Sick bitch.”

“You plead for nothing. You cannot stop this.”

“We are what we are.”

“Then he dies for you.”

~
Master Of Phantoms
Anne’s power is dissolving and her enemies are gathering. Henry’s lust has run out and he makes his anger, distrust and Anne’s loss of favour obvious. Anne rants, eye rolls, snits and makes things worse for herself. Cromwell stares. If only Anne would stop talking but she won’t. There is no sign of Mary Boleyn. Jane Parker-Boleyn sees all and gets slapped.

There is boasting, tales of deviant sex, Mark is a moron and gets tormented for it. The accused men are talked at by Cromwell. Kingston lurks. Anne can’t see that she is doomed. Ugly hoods are worn. Where is Jane Seymour? Norfolk’s berating of Anne isn’t included. Anne has a baying trial. Where is the King’s bastard son Richmond? There is foreshadowing and Bryan lurks. Anne wears ratty ermine to the scaffold. Not included is Jane Seymour’s cold denunciation of Anne. Why isn’t the executioner hooded? Anne makes her speech and dies. There is blood and in a creepy final scene, Cromwell gets a hug from a grinning Henry. This was okay but unsatisfactory.

Best Lines:
“Those who’ve been made, can be unmade.”

“You’re an inferior person.”

“Shoots his arrow straight.”

“You’re no Queen. You’re just a knight’s daughter and your time has come.”

“Take away my brother’s wife and drown her.”

“He knows me to be a good wife.”

“He didn’t look persuaded.”

“In the French fashion.”

“A filthy proceeding.”

“Seat yourself, pretty boy.”

“Forgive me, I have to piss.”

“Other infamous incitations.”

“We’ve never tried a Queen before.”

“She thinks there’s still hope.”

“We do not want men to handle her.”
“It’s a little late for that.”

~
Uprising
Brick (Vinnie Jones) controls the Glades. Arsenal is mistaken for The Flash. Black Canary uses a baton to batter people. Felicity mumbles and Sin is finally back. Thea hangs out with her dad because she is a dumb bint. Flashbacks to 21 years ago show Malcolm and his big hair mourning his wife and ignoring little Tommy. Little Oliver was an ass even as a child. Who was the bald guy at Rebecca Merlyn’s funeral? How did Malcolm learn about the League? How did he know where to find little Nyssa?

Captain Lance recognises bikie Arsenal straight off and it is revealed Brick killed Rebecca Merlyn all those years ago, got away with it and set all of this in motion. Oliver does stuff and is the least interesting part of this episode. Malcolm wants to team up with Team Arrow. Felicity whines and makes everything all about her. Why does no-one but Malcolm mention that he killed Tommy? Will Felicity the pissy little bitch just shut up? Diggle doesn’t mention Tommy at all as he sneers at Malcolm. Thea doesn’t mention how Malcolm neglected and then killed Tommy.

Laurel asks Ted Grant for help, Roy asks Sin and an all out street fight against Brick is planned. Wildcat aka Ted Grant gets beat up. Vigilantes can only be fit and proper persons and Malcolm is not considered one. But he crashes the street fight anyway and beats Brick down.

Brick wanted into the Orchid Bay Butchers and that is why he killed Rebecca. Oliver shows up to make speeches. Malcolm has a good cry. Oliver won’t shut up, Brick doesn’t die and Sin recognises that Black Canary isn’t Sara. Oliver asks Malcolm to train him. Felicity tantrums and stomps off. This was good but how come Team Arrow aren’t deemed a criminal organization anymore? This was good.

Best Lines:
“Will mourn your passing, I’m sure.”

“Wrong city.”

“Because they’re desperate.”

“Hesitation is death.”

“The League of Assassins is called that for a reason.”

“Share bunk beds in hell.”

“They’re cutting down cell towers.”

“Somehow he’s still not dead.”

“The red one.”

“You have your options. Weigh them.”

“I suggest you run real fast.”

“Who else is there?”
“The town.”

“Really?”

“You should see a doctor.”
“No health insurance.”

“Thea will never forgive me.”
“Start giving her reasons to.”

“When you have killed 503 people, including your own son, you tend not to worry about scales.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: City Of Heavenly Fire + Those Above

The Mortal Instruments Book 6: City Of Heavenly Fire by Cassandra Clare
This doorstopper of a tome that ties up ‘The Mortal Instruments’ and ‘The Infernal Devices’ is a crashing bore full of padding and set up for yet another spin-off in ‘The Shadowhunter Chronicles’. Sebastian is stupid, the fairies are stupid, Emma is stupid and there is endless walking and talking and talking and walking. There are ridiculous plot gyrations and this was boring. I expected something better than this.

Best Lines:
“He’s long dead,”

“Demons are just angels who make poor life decisions.”

“You know my people cannot survive in the poison lands.”

“Jocelyn expected that he was a great deal like his father.”

“I’d be happy if they were dead.”

“Whom no one wanted to remember.”

“The repetition of old mistakes.”

“The shadow may not descend for years yet.”

~
Those Above: The Empty Throne Book 1 by Daniel Polansky
This was an excellent high fantasy (or a sly high fantasy parody). Those Above have ruled their human subjects for 3000 years. Those Above are either elves, fairies or aliens but whatever they are they are unfathomable, emotionless and feared. A widow has spent decades building a political base and planning the overthrow of Those Above. A famous general is summoned to build a new army. A guttersnipe sickened by his life dedicates himself to a new cause. And a slave of Those Above who does not yet realise she is a slave serves her inhuman master with love and devotion. I can’t wait for more. Who are Those Above and how has human history been so thoroughly erased?

Best Lines:
“What she held in her hands might get her killed, and not swiftly.”

“Friends became enemies, enemies became corpses.”

“He wore undergarments of the sort frowned on by the more decent type of whores.”

“We dig our holes and then fall into them. All Eudokia had done was provide the shovel.”

“Eat, or become food.”

“Stood around trying to look tough, and mostly succeeding.”

“Next time you go listening at doors, make sure you understand everything you’ve heard.”