February 22nd, 2015


Book Review: Fire With Fire

Fire With Fire by Jenny Han and Siobhan Vivian
The 2nd in a trilogy that sees sweet revenge turn sour. Lillia, Kat and Mary came up with a grand revenge ploy but it all went awry. Now as they continue to plot, things go even more awry. The school mean girl is mean, the popular jock is a feckless, violent, criminal ass and Lillia seems unaware that she herself in a terrible person. This was good despite the sudden random supernatural theme. I have to read book 1 but I won’t bother with book 3.

Best Lines:
“The thing’s got more viruses than a prostitute.”

“Your girl is a two-timing slut whore!”
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Scary Books

Movie Reviews: The Abominable Snowman + 3 others

The Abominable Snowman (1957)
A black and white Hammer movie about sexist, racist noxious men who go looking for the Yeti. Nobody is sonorous as they Yeti hunt. This was a bloated, slow burning narrative with no tension or character development. ‘Tibet’ looks like Snowdonia. The plot is seriously rough. A Yeti trap is ludicrously stupid, a Yeti hand and face briefly feature and this was a sadly failed movie. Still co-star Peter Cushing goes for it like he is doing Lear at the RSC and no wonder Hammer made him their tent pole star.

Best Lines:
“Perhaps we’re the savages.”

“Waiting for man to die out.”

“That creature.”

“Savage thing.”

“The ignorant natives or the filthy food they eat.”

Orphan (2009)

Run Fat Boy Run (2007)
Simon Pegg and Dylan Moran are tedious.

Air America (1990)

Trailers, Quotes and a 2006 Tape Tale

‘Spring’ trailer
An American harasses a woman into dating him. She has secrets and there is body horror. No.

‘The Musketeers’ 2x07 promo

‘V For Vendetta’ (2005) promo

Lost’ season 2 promo
Hee, I miss this show.

‘Banished’ promo
BBC2 liberal drone-fest. No.

The reveal of who killed Lucy on ‘Eastenders’ was ludicrous.

I love almond bath oil.

I won’t bother with ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ issue 10x12.

I will review ‘Red Queen’, ‘Jessabelle’ and ‘Those Above’.

I found a stash of expired cough medicine - seriously what were they being stockpiled for? One bottle expired in 2007!

Anyone else recall the ‘Blockbusters’ board game?

Anyone else recall when Lindsey Lohan tried to be a pop star?

Rose Lemonade - good.
Chorizo soup - okay.
Goat's cheese ciabatta - ok.

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“You waste of skin and fat.”

“I’ve been writing creepy letters to that?”

‘Bring Up The Bodies’ Quotes:
“It is well to keep behind her in the hunting field. She is keen and quick but not too accurate. This summer she put a crossbow bolt in a straying cow. And Henry had to pay off the owner.”

“What’s George Boleyn for? That’s a question he asks himself.”

“Dwarf trying to pull her up. Kicked it away.”

“He keeps his promises. Mostly.”

“Some of the acts alleged against her are not fit for discussion among decent people.”

‘Gambit’ Quotes:
“Do not touch my person! You, idiot, give me your boot!”

“Test of skill involving farm animals.”

“You stupid bastard.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“You had lots of medicine there. Why did you fail?”

“Screaming, retching, vomiting.”

“That’s the reason I didn’t die.”

“A plan to check out alone.”

“They wouldn’t believe it, they didn’t believe it.”

“People that he typed with.”

“No one did anything.”

“Why did you not do that?”

“No one would believe or help us.”

“False and irrational statements.”

“This lady is unstable.”

“Were they not prophetic?”

“May have been inadequate.”

“You do not have the right or the moral empowerment.”

“Many atypical features.”

“Almost normal.”

“Absolutely refuted.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Not one for nostalgia.”

“Britpop will never happen again - too many drug addicts, maniacs and people in jeans with long hair, not washing.”

“If you can’t be arsed paying 99p for one of my songs, then I don’t want you to have it.”

“Little fat hairy legs.”

“Inadequately washed underwear.”

“Beware the donkey sized sea gulls that swoop around.”

“Once the unquestioned voice of Middle England.”

“Still embroiled in a costly, seemingly never-ending legal battle.”

“God was about to vomit on them.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Frankie disowns Esther. Jack’s in jail - oh boo hoo! Mercedes, Grace and Joe are all working together to frame Freddie for a non-murder. But in tedious soul-destroying fashion Freddie and Lindsey run off with JJ to parts unknown. Lindsey needs killing. Joe vows to kill Freddie. Lindsey whines about her baby.

Cleared out a 2006 tape. It began with a ‘Criminal Minds’ ep ‘Broken Mirror’ in which there are identical twin (Elisabeth Harnois) hijinks. This was not arresting or uncompromising. The friendless bozo unsub is hauled off. Yawn.

Then came an ‘Invasion’ ep ‘The Key’ in which the school reopens. Nose job woman’s snotty teen son snots about aliens. Russell menaces the Sheriff. Sulky preggers nut job (Elisabeth Moss) dies and some nutter (James Frain) wanders about. I didn’t care about this, the weird alien pregnancy, the island of mystery, the deaths and I really did not care.

Best Line:
“The Park Ranger who shares children with my wife.”

Then came a ‘Battlestar Galactica’ ep ‘Sacrifice’ in which people party on Cloud 9. Where do they get their supplies? A hostage sitch develops. Billy dies. This was not acerbic or caustic and was without much acclaim despite Dana Delany guest starring.

Best Line:
“It’s not, it never was.”

Then finally there was a ‘Charmed’ ep ‘Engaged and Confused’ in which Christy, the Triad and the obnoxious Coop run around. Coop tries to trigger a cute response but no. Stuff blows up, Phoebe is snippy and nobody notices that Christy is evil. This ep was an aberration. Didn’t Cole kill the Triad years ago? Paige marries in an afterthought as her half-sisters clomp around.

Best Lines:
“Blowing that guy off.”

“Kind of suspicious.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Arrow 3x11 + How To Get Away With Murder 1x04 + The Musketeers 2x06 Reviewed

Midnight City
Felicity and her one dimensional ranting bores. Why can’t Americans pronounce the word herbs properly? Where is Maseo’s son? What happened to his marriage? Will Oliver shut his mouth? Why doesn’t Laurel use the canary cry? Laurel gets beat up and needs saving by Roy. As for Roy, he needs to shut up. People deal with their feelings by hitting bad people really hard.

Diggle and Roy are useless. Why hasn’t Ray fired the thankless cow Felicity? Thea and DJ dude lurk. Ray babbles about hard light beams. Brick takes hostages. I feel dejection about the ignoble fate of this show. Felicity wearies viewers. A mad project of vigilante activity is planned. In flashbacks China White (Kelly Hu) and her bad wig plots.

Lance knows what a bo-staff is, yet doesn’t know that Oliver is the Arrow and that the Black Canary is Laurel? Belle Reve is mentioned. Why doesn’t someone kill Malcolm? Diggle the patronising ass needs to shut up. Laurel jumps onto a car, badly. A rescue mission is screwed up. How does Laurel’s wig stay on? The Mayor (Christina Cox of ‘Blood Ties’) makes bad decisions.
Why is Thea such a moron? Brick makes demands. A really fake helicopter ‘flies’ around. This was not of high moral worth. Laurel wears black lipstick and jumps through a window. Brick is still going. DJ dude is a League spy. This was clichéd, starchy and plain puke.

Best Lines:
“You picked the wrong alley.”

“They fear her.”

“Kill the rest!”

“You just wrote that down.”

“Bad choice!”

“The Undertaking that killed my son.”

“You do not get to judge me.”
“Too late.”

“It’s a bad idea.”
“So you’ve said repeatedly.”

“You should be very afraid.”

“This whole neighbourhood turning into a scene from ‘The Purge’.”

Let’s Get To Scooping
Connor is a slut, Wes is weirdly obsessed with the skanky Rebecca the trashy drug dealer and Bonnie the arse face (Liza Weil of ‘Gilmore Girls’) pulls faces. Wes lies and a white trash stockbroker (Elizabeth Perkins of ‘Over Her Dead Body’) is facing insider trading charges. Women wear unflattering clothes and there is ranting about torts. Everyone has bad diction and who is hair gel guy again?

Keating’s lover investigates Sam. Flashforwards show the gang doing boring sub-Aromondian babbling. Michaela rants, Connor shags some evil twink, Frank is an ass and the evil twink hurls himself out a window. This was boring. Bonnie lies, man-whore Connor has a good cry after his boytoy Oliver dumps him due to the twink shagging, Rebecca is thankless and Keating has a good whine.

Best Lines:
“She’s a bartender not a stripper.”

“I said leave!”

“What’s next? Herpes?”

“Too dumb to care.”

“Not here to talk about my pussies.”

“You exhaust me.”

“Plenty more Sam to bag.”

“You weak little bitch.”

“You don’t ask for the truth, you pound it out of them.”

“Greedy little pigs.”

“I’m not happy.”

“Are you on something?”
“I wish.”

“Why is your penis on a dead girl’s phone?”

Through A Glass Darkly
Louis XIII and his court head to an observatory to view an eclipse. The astronomer is freaky. No-one has noticed that Rochefort is high end trash. Louis, Anne, the unnamed royal baby and the King’s Mistress Milady all travel in the same carriage. The Red Guard lurk - who is paying for them? Men in masks get murdery. I am reminded of ‘The Dark Crystal’. Athos hangs out with Treville unaware of the flintlock pistols and daggers being waved in the rapidly escalating hostage situation.

After some bland and unappealing episodes, this was good. Aramis goes out a window. Rochefort doesn’t get to murder anyone for ages also Marc Warren looks bored in the role. Rochefort and Porthos are chained to a pillar in a cellar for no apparent reason so they can bond. Milady saves herself. There are chaotic twists in fate. The mad astronomer Marmion babbles. Why is Queen Anne plastered in fake tan? D’Artaganan wants in to Constance’s knickers. He’s not very bright is he?

Louis is relentlessly moronic, Marmion is a non-specific sociopath, Athos grinds the nerves with his sardonic snarls and d’Artagnan is ensmuggened. Rochefort’s five years in a Spanish jail are brought up. The widely loathed Louis acts like an archetypal useless schlub not the King of France. People are aghast as Louis is castigated in a pitiless tirade. Athos has no reaction to Aramis being ‘dead’ so much for buddy buddy vomit. Does the royal baby have teeth?

Marmion has a motive rant about a plague village and triage and Louis’ indifference. Milady revels in impropriety, nobody notices that Rochefort is indisputably dubious and will someone kill Constance. Posh patrician Rochefort is nonchalant about murdering. Louis berates d’Artagnan and ditches Milady and is largely awful. In grimly familiar fashion Louis thinks the sun shines out of Rochefort’s ass. Rochefort doesn’t seem to be wearing a shirt. Constance throws away her reputation for the pernickety d’Artagnan in front of the royal court.

Best Lines:
“It sickens me.”

“I can’t be here.”

“The game must be witnessed.”

“Can’t you musketeers do anything useful?”

“I admire your optimism, however deluded.”

“Hell is where you’re going.”

“What will he be when he is a King?”

“Never seen a woman before?”

“Nothing. Yet.”

“Remember the plague years.”

“Let’s discuss my moral character.”

“The King is the vehicle of fate.”

“As if I would tell you.”

“We’re done talking now.”
“Suits me.”

“What made you like this?”

“Once again you are my saviour.”

“I’m forgetting myself.”

“Food should have been left for us but it never came.”

“A week later he died anyway.”

“That was either a wounded bull or Porthos.”

“I heard you broke a window.”

“This is all very moving.”

“They’d be ashamed.”

“I forbid this!”

“Find him! I want his head!”

“Are you going to show mercy?”

“Rochefort, you are a hero.”

“Rochefort come, we must discuss how I can be better protected.”

“Why does everyone hate me?”