February 15th, 2015

Scary Books

Book Reviews: Arsenic For Tea + Devoted Ladies + Jurassic Park

Arsenic For Tea by Robin Stevens
The 3rd ‘Wells and Wong Mystery’. It is 1935 and Daisy and Hazel visit Daisy’s home, Fallingford, for the holidays. Daisy’s mother has an intrusive gentleman friend, her aunt is appropriating various valuables and Hazel feels out of place among the worthies. Then someone falls mysteriously fatally ill and the schoolgirl detectives must discover whodunit. This was a top hole ripping yarn as murder is solved amongst the various isms of the era. This was good. Onto ‘First Class Murder’!

Best Lines:
“Daughter’s friend! Do I know you?”

“People in shock were supposed to have cold water poured over them.”

“She’s not a thief - people like us aren’t.”

“The bed smelled of stale old lady.”

“Daddy knows perfectly well not to murder his own guests.”

Devoted Ladies by Molly Keane
Published in 1935 this tale of Jessica and Jane hints that they are lovers. Jessica is violent, abusive and controlling but nobody ever does anything to help the pathetic alcoholic Jane. Anglo-Irish gentleman George Playfair meets Jane and entices her to Ireland where he and his racist classist friends give verification to his plan to marry Jane. As for Jane, she’ll go along with the marriage just to escape Jessica. But Jessica won’t be banished and the pathetic unpopular underappreciated Piggy who is desperately in love with George herself is drawn into the fray. This was terrible, dull and full of horribly racist people and controlled violence.

Best Lines:
“With this she picked up a bottle of Tonic Water and made menacing gestures with it across the room at Jane.”

“The floor (of green glass) had exotic lighting and heating below it.”

“Plenty of picturesque discomfort and cold bath water and these incredible Irish mountains always in the distance.”

“All that money and bullied to death by that octopus.”

Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton
Oddly boring and dated.
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Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Musketeers’ 2x06 promo
Oh, looks good.

‘Focus’ TV spot
No to the toxicity and paranoia.

‘Enter Nowhere’ aka ‘The Haunting of Black Wood’ (2011) trailer
Hell no.

‘The Green Inferno’ trailer
Hippies get eaten by an uncontacted tribe. Yay!

I read the pulpy soap ‘Return To Eden’ years ago.

James Franco is to star in the TV show version of ‘11/22/63’!

Drea de Matteo to join ‘Agents of ‘SHIELD’?!

Anyone else recall the 1993 mock documentary ‘CB4’?

I love funnel cake.
Pretzel M&Ms - okay.

Saw a magpie washing itself in a puddle - aawww.

RIP Steve Strange.

Houseguests eat huge amounts of food yet steal salt and vinegar crisps that don’t belong to them. They can’t unload the dishwasher without drama. They moan about the dishwasher tablets, claim to have a lack of money, mess up the recycle pile and obsess over milk and bread. Then they moan about pepper, the pepper pot, the thickness of the frying pan and the status of the cooker. Then they move on to whining about heaters. Bloody houseguests hog the papers, tone police and monopolise the kitchen so no-one else can use it like thoughtless lazy spoilt 5 year olds. Who eats boiled bacon? They do. Houseguests snot, are rude yet claim to be “fragile’ and “ill” so they can get away with it all. Ungrateful attention seeking houseguests eat plum cakes and whine that they aren’t cake - they are dessert. Piss off just piss off and LEAVE!

‘The Sun’ Quotes:
“Tried to stab her mum after a violent row.”

“Abi almost drowned Lauren on Halloween.”

“We’ve seen Abi attack her sister, stalk her dad and run over a dog.”

“I can’t pretend I didn’t enjoy that.”

“It’s a very unfamiliar thing.”

“Stacey revealed to ex-lover Max that she had killed rapist Archie Mitchell with a clump from the Queen Victoria bust.”

‘FTWeekend’ Quotes:
“Thomas Cromwell was, in fact, a detestably self-serving, bullying monster.”

“On at least one occasion he had the fake relic and the custodial friar burnt side by side. Witty, that.”

“Imaginative interpolations.”

“Should candidly rejoice.”

“Richard III’s inconvenient nephews.”

“Unconsidered trifles.”

“Absurdly unread.”

“The alien strangeness of the past.”



“More credibly horrible.”

“Eerie stone effigies of knights lying on the ground.”

“John’s death a year later, supposedly from a surfeit of cider and peaches.”

“Middle-class dissatisfaction.”

“Openly panning his e-waste.”

“Tasted of cigarette filters and damp sacking.”

“Well-meaning cultist fools.”

“To the homes of the unsuspecting in an attempt to convert them.”

“Absorbed in his own brilliance.”

“Staff were routinely subjected to “bollockings” even “chucked in the bin”.”

“Self-conscious masculinity.”

“He held a customer’s mink coat ransom when her husband refused to pay their bill.”

“He is shown bare-chested and holding a shark.”

“Sending a catastrophically destabilising message from an extra solar planet.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Keep those unspeakable Huns out of our islands.”

“It’ll mean knocking off buns, I suppose.”

“Posh-girl thuggery.”

“Telling is how awful he is and how difficult her life is.”

“Spoilt, nasty piece of work.”

“Disastrously remained as a scowling corset-wearing Juggalo-type.”

“Heroin addicts scratching their facial sores in picturesque surrounds.”

“A stream of methadone patients and foodbank users.”

“Thought they were already famous.”

“Father kept his mouth tightly shut when I asked him what it was.”

“Bullet-headed hoodlum.”

“A shaven meerkat of lust.”

“Young flicky hair.”

“Like a lovely English scone with a big maggot at its core.”

“If he’ll keel over mid-rant.”


“Led by his codpiece.”

“Lyrical malevolence.”

“Where more circumspect performers invite speculation through their very cautiousness.”

“Quite hard to care about him.”

“Everyone always imagines he’s high.”

“Delusional behaviour that insulates them.”

“Intellectual impoverishment.”

“Numbed tragedy.”

“I’d rather get another PhD than acquire a heroin habit.”


“Like an apocalyptic Pedigree Chum ad.”

“DVD disaster trash.”

“Deflated the Biblical vibe somewhat.”

“With strained generosity.”

“Confers retrospective power on what has gone before.”

“Stagily preposterous.”

“A bit tinny and irritating.”

“Shouty vegan anarchy-syndicalism.”

“Intricate concept albums.”

“Throwing his excrement around on stage.”

“Scrupulously enforce.”

“Dismissed as paranoid.”

“Serious objections from critics.”

“Yelling into space is reckless.”


“They’ll come here and strip-mine the Earth.”

“Enforced dilapidation.”

“Brandishing an alarmingly large pair of secateurs.”

“Painfully wrought.”

“Sensed hostility from him.”

“Obligation chocolate.”

“Laboriously clunky.”

“Declared persona non grata in my own country.”

“A Kantian view of the world.”

“Preposterous benefits.”

“Good, handsome whores.”

“A houseful of plastic tat.”

“Grunting ingrates.”

“Hate-filled eyes and a complete disregard for double yellows, hell-bent on blocking the roads for everyone else.”

‘Teen Mom 2’ Quotes:
“When Nathan was in prison. That seemed tough for you.”

“They turned their back on me.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“No good bastard.”

“This little whore.”

“No whores allowed is what I put on the front door.”

“You’re not getting in this time.”

“Who’s the Russian?”

“I picked up the mug and let him know what a bitch really is.”

“He’s texting me divorce papers.”

“I get my frustrations out.”

“You were drinking!”

“It just felt appropriate.”

“I can’t see why.”

“Did you throw a 10 inch rock at him?”

“My mom is a psycho.”

“She’s going to burn the house down.

“Your mother is violent and dangerous.”

“Poor victims.”

“You don’t deserve an I’m sorry.”

“I called the cops three times.”

“This is where you punched your mother?”

“You’re not on welfare!”

“I’m on impulse control medication.”

“I can’t take it anymore.”

“I can’t live with a liar.”

“I don’t want him anymore.”

“That’s antagonistic.”

“Pulling plywood off.”

“You’ve lost your place.”

“This is how people get hurt.”

“Step aside, we will.”

“Calm and predictable fashion.”

“Put me in jail!”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Those were some dubious poses.”


“Fanny magnet.”

“Its undoubted brilliance.”

“A suspicion of cleverness accompanied revulsion at the diseased public polity.”

“Chocolate-commercial chic.”

“Too much stupidity eventually killed it off.”

“His gentle banter is equally unwelcome.”

“Hateful neighbour.”

‘Gone Girl’ Quotes:
“You really don’t like him do you?”
“What’s to like?”

“Flyover boy.”

“Knowing she would be sitting there dissatisfied.”

“Are they super-twat’s?”

“So we are dealing with a 20 year old who isn’t sure where she leaves her undies?”

“The blood is profuse.”

“You need to bleed. A lot. A lot, a lot.”

“Found himself a newer, younger, bouncier cool girl.”

“He doesn’t get to win.”

“As long as you don’t own a python and blast death metal at 4am.”

“Hot little skank.”

“Come home Amy, I dare you.”

“That is the most disgusting thing I ever heard.”
“Thank you.”

“Your hair’s dyed all hamster.”

“Why is she dressed like a babysitter?”

“The girl with the giant come on me tits.”

“She’s air.”

“That love ended today.”

“He buys, I nag.”

“Fire doesn’t erase blood.”

“May I go back to where I was being held prisoner by a man with a history of mental problems?”

“Your deeply incompetent hands.”

“I can’t watch you play house with that thing for next 18 years.”

“What’s the laptop for?”

“Cat’s room on the end.”

“Whoever took her is bound to bring her back.”

‘Gone Girl’ commentary Quotes:
“The tragedy vampire.”

“Her enforced isolation.”

“White trash hub.”

“Truly fear Amy.”

“Just about ready to flip this vehicle over and kill everybody inside.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Arrow 3x10 + How To Get Away With Murder 1x03 + The Musketeers 2x05 Reviewed

Left Behind
Where is zombie Tommy? I want zombie Tommy. Felicity and her contemptuous dismissive tone annoys. Diggle is ever useless. Why is it Felicity’s inalienable right to be full of slashing righteousness. A new baddie named Brick (Vinnie Jones) plans to take over The Glades for some reason. The flashbacks to Hong Kong are a yawner. Brick is hate motivated and wears a vest. Thea and her sodsplit dad bond. Arsenal does stuff. Malcolm crashes the Arrowcave. Why does nobody mention Tommy? Where is Huntress? Why is stuff kept from Laurel?

Why is Oliver’s ‘death’ all about Felicity and her selective speech codes? Merlyn has microaggressions. This episode stunk. Everyone lies to Thea, Ray gets annoyed and Felicity is sanctimonious. She is the one who egged on Oliver to fight someone called the Demon’s Head. Felicity stomps out of the Arrowcave to be fragrant somewhere else. Oliver is saved by an old friend. Felicity causes major damage. Laurel steals Sara’s Black Canary gear that was just lying around. Thea keeps on trying to be tough - it is ludicrous. Laurel gets her Black Canary on.

Best Lines:
“Free my wife?”
“From where?”

“Stop ignoring me!”

“I thought he was green.”

“There’s the green one.”

“You take me down first you walk out alive.”

“This is your fault.”

“I’m out.”
“Here, use mine.”

“I don’t have to help you.”

“I’m the justice you can’t run from.”

Smile Or Go To Jail
Who killed Keating’s husband Sam and why? Rebecca and Lila’s boyfriend Griffin are arrested for Lila’s murder. People worry the murder could damage the university. Fickle annoying Michaela has a fiancée Aiden and Connor knows all his secrets. Wes wears a 90s shirt and wants to unlock Rebecca’s phone. Keating is hired by a woman arrested for having sex in a park but Paula (Ana Ortiz of ‘Devious Maids’) turns out to have bigger problems. She is a fugitive wanted for a 1994 bombing. Paula’s husband is emotionally savaged. Patty Hearst is mentioned.

Keating tone arguments and likes her monetisation of sleaze. Wes uncovers a secret about the phone and nags Keating into defending Rebecca. Flashforwards show the gang prancing around faking an alibi. Meanwhile the 1994 bomb leader (Jason Gedrick of ‘Murder One’) is sleazy. Michaela is uninterruptible, Paula is an awful woman and Keating and her friends drink out of long stemmed glassware. Sam lies. Wes is obsessed with the trashy lying ungrateful Rebecca. Griffin blames Rebecca. Why is Wes so obsessed by someone who is so indelibly associated with trash? Laurel the boring one is boring.

Flashforwards show Michaela hysterical. Meanwhile Connor is an ass and Michaela shrieks and engages in bi-erasure. Frank isn’t a lawyer so what is he?  Wes rants. Paula’s husband is forgiving. Connor prolongs his jerk ass behaviour. The bomb leader is incisive and there is a twist. Also Keating’s lover lies. This bored.

Best Lines:
“But we haven’t asked for much.”
“But you’re asking now.”

“Sex in the park lady?”

“Not every case is a serial killer.”

“Shut up and learn.”

“Hooker mom turned out to be bomb mom.”

“I don’t care what you have to say right now.”

“We were against that stuff years ago.”

“We do what with it?”

“Please don’t tell Kevin that I said that.”

“It doesn’t include you ruining us.”

“Do you mind going somewhere else?”

“Your creepy lover just betrayed you.”

“Choose your husband carefully.”

“That is not the right answer Frank.”

The Return
Treville is an ordinary musketeer. Athos is dragged back to his lands and people. Porthos wants to know who his daddy is. Athos screams, is an ass and is as bitter as a bad pint. Noblemen are evil. Athos has misty water coloured memories of Milady. This was not nerve-shredding or sweat inducing. Athos runs into his dead brother’s fiancée who used to be his. Until he took up with Milady who murdered his brother and still beguiles him. There is no Rochefort or any court member in this episode. The fiancée has an axe to grind, a big axe. Sexual violence is planned; this was not feral or genuinely dangerous. Foes are so foe-like they need no motivation or back-story. Athos tells the fiancée about Milady being alive, they won’t end well. This episode was neither amusing nor astounding. Athos preaches revolution and in general acts in an attention-seeking, sad, erratic, irritating, derivative and incompetent way. He and his musketeer buddies are pure smarm. This was laughable and frustratingly bland. Athos is weirdly passive when it comes to Milady who he still loves.

Best Lines:
“Athos is drunk somewhere.”

“I left this life!”

“He burns the crops and poisons what’s left.”

“Your responsibility to the social order.”

“Low people.”

“You live like this?”

“You brought that woman home.”

“I hope she’s burning in hell.”

“Centuries of inbreeding is making the aristocracy stupid.”

“I wasn’t born to this life.”

“She ruined your life and yet she still breathes?”